"Nancy" was a wonderful woman who was suffering from leukemia. She came onto hospice in June, one month before her eighty-second birthday, so she planned a birthday party for herself. She wanted it to be her memorial and so invited everyone she knew. Her plan was to die shortly after the party.
Nancy's disease progressed very slowly. Each time I visited she would say, "I am sick and tired of being sick and tired." Nancy had been active her entire life and was very impatient with her dependence and the slow decline of her disease. She had moved in with her daughter and had fears that she would overstay her welcome. Her family was very close and devoted to her so the chance of that happening was nil.
Nancy had a wonderful outlook on life. She was very practical and felt it was her time to go. She wanted to just get on with it. In September she bought this large tube of toothpaste and said that it would be the last tube. This poem is a result of the visit I did in early January after the Christmas holidays. Nancy died three months later. I was honored as the family printed this poem in her memorial.
TOOTHPASTE
She turned eighty-two last summer.
She knew she'd never see eighty-three
so she planned a final birthday party
inviting everyone she knew.
It would be her memorial.
Lots of hugs and goodbyes.
Then they could get on with their lives
and she would be ready to die.
Her disease is progressing slowly.
She's impatient with the pace.
She just wants it over,
"I bought my last tube of toothpaste."
Summer turns into Fall
as her toothpaste tube shrinks down.
Her patience is constantly challenged
as the disease dawdles on.
The tube is almost empty
as the Winter holidays roll around.
If you ask her about her Christmas
she'll disappointingly reply,
"I was given two more tubes of toothpaste."
Friday, December 24, 2010
Saturday, December 18, 2010
I KNEW
Seventy-nine year old "Richard" suffered from dementia. He had one daughter, "Betsy", who provided his care. Betsy was very attentive to his needs, but was resistant to ask other extended family to help her out. Richard was up all night and Betsy was not getting any sleep. Betsy had a heart condition and one night she ended up in the Emergency Room because of severe chest pain. It scared her and made her realize that she could not continue this way.
I did weekly visits with Betsy and her father as Betsy needed the emotional support. She would stress easily as things could pile up quickly. She felt the need to be able to do it all. The pressure she put on herself was overwhelming, but she was so reluctant to accept any help.
After the Emergency Room visit and with much encouragement from her family, Betsy placed her father in a Board and Care Home nearby. A week later, I went out to visit Richard at the home and he appeared very happy and content. After my visit with Richard, I called Betsy to see how she was coping with the change. She asked that I come out to see her the next day as she felt tremendous guilt placing her father in the home.
The next day I went out to see Betsy. Ten minutes after I walked into her home, her cell phone rang. She ignored the call and said it was the Board and Care Home. I suddenly had this strong feeling that her father had died and that she should take the call. Immediately her home phone rang. I encouraged her to answer the phone. This time it was her granddaughter. After a very short conversation, Betsy ended the call. The minute she hung up the home phone, it rang again. I told Betsy to pick it up.
She answered the phone and seeing the shocked look on her face, I didn't have to ask what she had heard. The owner of the Board and Care Home told Betsy that her father had just died. Betsy then called her daughter to come over in order to drive her to see her father.
The timing for me to be there was just perfect. My premonition and encouragement to Betsy to take the calls, made it possible for me to follow them to the Board and Care Home so that she and her daughter could say goodbye. Betsy needed the extra support and I felt honored to have been available to her.
I believe it was God's hand that guided me to Betsy's home on that particular day at that particular time.
I KNEW
Somehow I knew when her cell rang
that the news would make her sad.
She didn't answer the call,
even though I said she should.
The home phone then started to ring.
A sense of trouble in the air.
I encouraged her to pick it up.
Shocking news of her father's death.
Somehow God directed me there
at the right time and the right place.
She needed strength; she needed support
minutes after I walked in.
It had to be God's intervention
as the timing was just right.
The premonition with the calls,
knowing she needed to pick up.
I knew the calls were coming.
I knew I was there to help.
But in the end, it wasn't me at all
as I was guided from above.
God always knows how.
God only knows.
I did weekly visits with Betsy and her father as Betsy needed the emotional support. She would stress easily as things could pile up quickly. She felt the need to be able to do it all. The pressure she put on herself was overwhelming, but she was so reluctant to accept any help.
After the Emergency Room visit and with much encouragement from her family, Betsy placed her father in a Board and Care Home nearby. A week later, I went out to visit Richard at the home and he appeared very happy and content. After my visit with Richard, I called Betsy to see how she was coping with the change. She asked that I come out to see her the next day as she felt tremendous guilt placing her father in the home.
The next day I went out to see Betsy. Ten minutes after I walked into her home, her cell phone rang. She ignored the call and said it was the Board and Care Home. I suddenly had this strong feeling that her father had died and that she should take the call. Immediately her home phone rang. I encouraged her to answer the phone. This time it was her granddaughter. After a very short conversation, Betsy ended the call. The minute she hung up the home phone, it rang again. I told Betsy to pick it up.
She answered the phone and seeing the shocked look on her face, I didn't have to ask what she had heard. The owner of the Board and Care Home told Betsy that her father had just died. Betsy then called her daughter to come over in order to drive her to see her father.
The timing for me to be there was just perfect. My premonition and encouragement to Betsy to take the calls, made it possible for me to follow them to the Board and Care Home so that she and her daughter could say goodbye. Betsy needed the extra support and I felt honored to have been available to her.
I believe it was God's hand that guided me to Betsy's home on that particular day at that particular time.
I KNEW
Somehow I knew when her cell rang
that the news would make her sad.
She didn't answer the call,
even though I said she should.
The home phone then started to ring.
A sense of trouble in the air.
I encouraged her to pick it up.
Shocking news of her father's death.
Somehow God directed me there
at the right time and the right place.
She needed strength; she needed support
minutes after I walked in.
It had to be God's intervention
as the timing was just right.
The premonition with the calls,
knowing she needed to pick up.
I knew the calls were coming.
I knew I was there to help.
But in the end, it wasn't me at all
as I was guided from above.
God always knows how.
God only knows.
Friday, December 10, 2010
OPTIMIST
Seventy-five year old "Dotty" suffers from dementia due to multiple bleeds into the brain. She has been on hospice for over eighteen months. Recently she has been improving and it is likely that we will discharge her from our program as she no longer meets the criteria for being terminal.
Her husband, "Dennis", is a retired pediatrician with an amazing, positive outlook on life. He laughs very easily over their life's circumstances even though he is totally aware of the dire situation with his wife. Dotty is unable to walk and spends most of her days in the recliner in their family room. She is totally dependent with all of her needs.
Due to her confusion, Dennis is unable to carry on any meaningful conversation with her. One can see the sweetness of Dotty's personality, although she can anger easily due to her frustrations. That anger passes quickly as she can be easily distracted. No matter what the situation, Dennis can laugh about it and turn it into something positive. His love is that deep.
Eighteen months ago, when I called their home to set up my first appointment, all I had heard was that the husband was a retired physician. After that initial conversation, I turned to my co-worker and said, "I bet he is a pediatrician." Dennis has such a charming personality, it was easy to predict.
Any time a hospice team member would visit, we would find a post-it note, with our individual name on it, located near the doorbell. Under our name Dennis added, "Come on it." They are the cutest couple and I am going to miss them.
OPTIMIST
No matter what the situation;
no matter how hard the day,
he'll always see the positive,
no matter what the case.
He is a diehard optimist.
His cup always half full.
He laughs so easily at himself
and the world around.
Even with her illness,
he can easily make her laugh.
He'll tease and share his day with her,
even though she's so confused.
She mixes reality with faded memories.
Her stories don't make sense.
But you know he won't let it get him down
as he twists it in a positive spin,
"She writes the best fiction."
Her husband, "Dennis", is a retired pediatrician with an amazing, positive outlook on life. He laughs very easily over their life's circumstances even though he is totally aware of the dire situation with his wife. Dotty is unable to walk and spends most of her days in the recliner in their family room. She is totally dependent with all of her needs.
Due to her confusion, Dennis is unable to carry on any meaningful conversation with her. One can see the sweetness of Dotty's personality, although she can anger easily due to her frustrations. That anger passes quickly as she can be easily distracted. No matter what the situation, Dennis can laugh about it and turn it into something positive. His love is that deep.
Eighteen months ago, when I called their home to set up my first appointment, all I had heard was that the husband was a retired physician. After that initial conversation, I turned to my co-worker and said, "I bet he is a pediatrician." Dennis has such a charming personality, it was easy to predict.
Any time a hospice team member would visit, we would find a post-it note, with our individual name on it, located near the doorbell. Under our name Dennis added, "Come on it." They are the cutest couple and I am going to miss them.
OPTIMIST
No matter what the situation;
no matter how hard the day,
he'll always see the positive,
no matter what the case.
He is a diehard optimist.
His cup always half full.
He laughs so easily at himself
and the world around.
Even with her illness,
he can easily make her laugh.
He'll tease and share his day with her,
even though she's so confused.
She mixes reality with faded memories.
Her stories don't make sense.
But you know he won't let it get him down
as he twists it in a positive spin,
"She writes the best fiction."
Monday, December 6, 2010
WAVES
Grief counseling is an essential part of my job as a hospice social worker. Patients are not only grieving the loss of their health, but also the loss of not being able to do those things that had always given them joy and pleasure. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. We each grieve differently. It is important to feel what you need to feel, know that it is okay and process those feelings in a way that works for you.
Elizabeth Kubler-Ross wrote about the five stages of grieving; denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. The stages sound so concise and structured. But grief is far from organized. One can be at acceptance one moment and the next moment; denial; then back to acceptance. It is an experience that is unique to each of us.
Grief often catches one off guard. I call it the "2x4" moment. A song on the radio, for example, can instantly trigger a memory back as if the loss had just occurred. This emotional moment can happen months or even years later. Grief comes like waves on a beach. It overflows and engulfs you only to recede again.
WAVES
Strolling slowly along the beach.
No sense of urgency or direction.
Embracing the tranquility.
Barefoot in the sand.
A sudden wave crashes to shore.
Stinging salt water.
Soaking your clothes.
Chilling your bones.
Total distraction.
Total discomfort.
Shock to the system.
Chaos all around.
Clothes begin to dry.
Emotions recede.
Sun permeates the soul.
Serenity returns.
The softness of the sand.
The smell of the ocean.
The sound of seagulls.
The warmth of the sun.
A sudden wave crashes to shore.
Stinging salt water.
Soaking your clothes.
Chilling your bones.
They call this
Grief.
Elizabeth Kubler-Ross wrote about the five stages of grieving; denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. The stages sound so concise and structured. But grief is far from organized. One can be at acceptance one moment and the next moment; denial; then back to acceptance. It is an experience that is unique to each of us.
Grief often catches one off guard. I call it the "2x4" moment. A song on the radio, for example, can instantly trigger a memory back as if the loss had just occurred. This emotional moment can happen months or even years later. Grief comes like waves on a beach. It overflows and engulfs you only to recede again.
WAVES
Strolling slowly along the beach.
No sense of urgency or direction.
Embracing the tranquility.
Barefoot in the sand.
A sudden wave crashes to shore.
Stinging salt water.
Soaking your clothes.
Chilling your bones.
Total distraction.
Total discomfort.
Shock to the system.
Chaos all around.
Clothes begin to dry.
Emotions recede.
Sun permeates the soul.
Serenity returns.
The softness of the sand.
The smell of the ocean.
The sound of seagulls.
The warmth of the sun.
A sudden wave crashes to shore.
Stinging salt water.
Soaking your clothes.
Chilling your bones.
They call this
Grief.
Saturday, November 27, 2010
LAUGH
My dear friend, Ray, died on Thanksgiving morning, after a four month battle with bile duct cancer. Throughout the entire ordeal, Ray was upbeat with a positive outlook on his situation.
Judy, Ray's wife, and I have been friends for over twenty years. Every Wednesday night we talk on the phone. I call Wednesdays "Judy Night" and she calls them "Marilou Night". Humor is a huge part of our friendship. Judy laughs so easily at almost everything and anything. She finds humor in the simplest things, which is wonderful.
Judy's humor is in her stories. She can go to the grocery store and return home with a crazy experience that she can spin into a funny story. I go to the grocery store and come home with milk and bread.
I visited Judy and Ray a few weeks ago. I said my goodbye to Ray as I knew his time was near. We talked about his life and legacy. His biggest concern was Judy and I promised him that I would take care of her forever. He also was worried about having their financial paperwork completed.
During the course of his disease, Judy kept herself busy managing their home, caring for Ray and all the other numerous tasks that needed to be done. Through it all, she was still herself and able to laugh. The morning of Thanksgiving when she called to tell me that Ray had died, she was in shock and numb. Living so far away, I felt so helpless as I wanted immediately to be there to comfort her.
Later, I gave her a call to let her know that I am always here for her. I hoped to be able to cheer her up. But it was her, in the end, who cheered me up as she, so typically, made me laugh. I am so blessed to have her in my life.
LAUGH
You can always make me laugh.
You laugh so easily; so often.
Even when things are rough,
you find something to chuckle about.
We have been through a lot;
you and me.
Lots of great times, with some a bit tough.
But through it all, you eased the pain
because you can always make me laugh.
Now we are facing a tough time.
Your heart is breaking, the pain is deep.
I promised him I would take care of you forever,
but I feel so helpless, so powerless.
There is nothing I can say.
There is not much I can do,
but to let you know I am always here
to help share the burden, to ease the pain.
I gave you a call to cheer you up.
To let you know you are not alone.
But it was you, who instead, cheered me up,
because then again,
you, so amazingly,
made me laugh.
Judy, Ray's wife, and I have been friends for over twenty years. Every Wednesday night we talk on the phone. I call Wednesdays "Judy Night" and she calls them "Marilou Night". Humor is a huge part of our friendship. Judy laughs so easily at almost everything and anything. She finds humor in the simplest things, which is wonderful.
Judy's humor is in her stories. She can go to the grocery store and return home with a crazy experience that she can spin into a funny story. I go to the grocery store and come home with milk and bread.
I visited Judy and Ray a few weeks ago. I said my goodbye to Ray as I knew his time was near. We talked about his life and legacy. His biggest concern was Judy and I promised him that I would take care of her forever. He also was worried about having their financial paperwork completed.
During the course of his disease, Judy kept herself busy managing their home, caring for Ray and all the other numerous tasks that needed to be done. Through it all, she was still herself and able to laugh. The morning of Thanksgiving when she called to tell me that Ray had died, she was in shock and numb. Living so far away, I felt so helpless as I wanted immediately to be there to comfort her.
Later, I gave her a call to let her know that I am always here for her. I hoped to be able to cheer her up. But it was her, in the end, who cheered me up as she, so typically, made me laugh. I am so blessed to have her in my life.
LAUGH
You can always make me laugh.
You laugh so easily; so often.
Even when things are rough,
you find something to chuckle about.
We have been through a lot;
you and me.
Lots of great times, with some a bit tough.
But through it all, you eased the pain
because you can always make me laugh.
Now we are facing a tough time.
Your heart is breaking, the pain is deep.
I promised him I would take care of you forever,
but I feel so helpless, so powerless.
There is nothing I can say.
There is not much I can do,
but to let you know I am always here
to help share the burden, to ease the pain.
I gave you a call to cheer you up.
To let you know you are not alone.
But it was you, who instead, cheered me up,
because then again,
you, so amazingly,
made me laugh.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
INDEPENDENT
One of several criteria for opening to hospice is that the patient needs to have either twenty-four hour care or a plan for that care in the future when the need arises. The care can consist of family members, friends, hired help or a combination of any of these. Another option is to move into an environment that offers the appropriate care; such as a Board and Care home or a nursing home.
Many families don't have long term care plans and that is okay as long as they are willing to work with the hospice staff toward that end. Part of my job as a social worker, is to assist patients with the options that are available in order for them to have a workable and safe plan. Safety is an important component of hospice.
Quite often, people have a difficult time letting go of their independence as it is a struggle to have hired care or family members being around. Most of us are independent souls and want to run our own lives. I always relate to patients that struggle with letting go of their independence as I know that I will have a difficult time as well if I am faced with a similar situation.
"Leslie" was sixty years old and lived alone. She suffered from colon cancer that had spread to her lungs and bones. She was bed bound and spent her time in the bedroom of her small apartment. She had no family or children, but had many friends with whom she considered her family. Unfortunately, the majority of her friends lived a few hours away and were not available to the extent that she needed.
Leslie relied on her neighbor, "Sandy", to assist her with meals, household chores, errands, etc. Sandy came over three times a day for a few hours at a time. Leslie needed someone twenty-four hours a day due to her limitations, but she would have none of that. She wanted to stay right where she was and was resistant to any changes in the way things were right now.
Leslie was very gregarious and upbeat. I admired her independence as I could understand and relate to what she was saying. But, on the other hand, she was putting herself at risk. One of her dearest friends is driving up in a few days to try to convince her to move in with her. I hope Leslie agrees. If not, she will be at risk for any multitude of things that could arise.
Because I am a mandated reporter, I did call Adult Protective Services to report the situation. Hopefully Leslie will listen to them and find a plan that is safe as well as workable for her. But then, she has a right to make poor decisions. She also has a right to live her life in a way that works for her. I wish her the best.
INDEPENDENT
You couldn't help but like her.
She immediately drew you in.
She was optimistic, upbeat
and independent as hell.
I went in to try to assist her.
She was bed bound and needed some help.
She was resistant to anything I offered.
She was doing just fine living alone.
She had no family, but a few cherished friends
who lived a few hours away.
She relied on a neighbor who stopped by a lot.
To her that was sufficient enough.
I spoke of the risk of living alone.
How safety is a big concern.
Hospice can't open unless she was safe.
Our biggest worry is that she would get hurt.
She would have nothing to do with hiring help
or moving to a Board and Care home.
She wanted to stay right where she was.
She was just fine being alone.
I hope in time she'll change her mind,
although I respect that she stands firm in her beliefs.
Independence is one of her strongest personality traits,
but it also may be her weakest link.
Many families don't have long term care plans and that is okay as long as they are willing to work with the hospice staff toward that end. Part of my job as a social worker, is to assist patients with the options that are available in order for them to have a workable and safe plan. Safety is an important component of hospice.
Quite often, people have a difficult time letting go of their independence as it is a struggle to have hired care or family members being around. Most of us are independent souls and want to run our own lives. I always relate to patients that struggle with letting go of their independence as I know that I will have a difficult time as well if I am faced with a similar situation.
"Leslie" was sixty years old and lived alone. She suffered from colon cancer that had spread to her lungs and bones. She was bed bound and spent her time in the bedroom of her small apartment. She had no family or children, but had many friends with whom she considered her family. Unfortunately, the majority of her friends lived a few hours away and were not available to the extent that she needed.
Leslie relied on her neighbor, "Sandy", to assist her with meals, household chores, errands, etc. Sandy came over three times a day for a few hours at a time. Leslie needed someone twenty-four hours a day due to her limitations, but she would have none of that. She wanted to stay right where she was and was resistant to any changes in the way things were right now.
Leslie was very gregarious and upbeat. I admired her independence as I could understand and relate to what she was saying. But, on the other hand, she was putting herself at risk. One of her dearest friends is driving up in a few days to try to convince her to move in with her. I hope Leslie agrees. If not, she will be at risk for any multitude of things that could arise.
Because I am a mandated reporter, I did call Adult Protective Services to report the situation. Hopefully Leslie will listen to them and find a plan that is safe as well as workable for her. But then, she has a right to make poor decisions. She also has a right to live her life in a way that works for her. I wish her the best.
INDEPENDENT
You couldn't help but like her.
She immediately drew you in.
She was optimistic, upbeat
and independent as hell.
I went in to try to assist her.
She was bed bound and needed some help.
She was resistant to anything I offered.
She was doing just fine living alone.
She had no family, but a few cherished friends
who lived a few hours away.
She relied on a neighbor who stopped by a lot.
To her that was sufficient enough.
I spoke of the risk of living alone.
How safety is a big concern.
Hospice can't open unless she was safe.
Our biggest worry is that she would get hurt.
She would have nothing to do with hiring help
or moving to a Board and Care home.
She wanted to stay right where she was.
She was just fine being alone.
I hope in time she'll change her mind,
although I respect that she stands firm in her beliefs.
Independence is one of her strongest personality traits,
but it also may be her weakest link.
Monday, November 15, 2010
TIME
Seventy-six year old "Bill" suffers from lung cancer. He has been married to his wife, "Vicky" for almost fifty years. When I first walked into their tiny mobile home, he was lying back in a recliner in the small living room. There was a bookcase next to him full of pill bottles, water glasses, paperback books and lots of clutter.
Bill was quick to smile and shared that he spent his days and nights lying in his recliner. It was the only place where he was comfortable and could breathe easily. He was on continuous oxygen and felt safe as everything he needed was within arm's reach. Bill spends his day watching television and listening to chamber music.
Each time I visited Bill's home, I would find him in good spirits with an easy smile. I am always amazed how someone, who has had every pleasure taken away, can still find joy. He was one of those folks. Bill spoke of God and the afterlife and felt that Earth was Hell. He felt that the more one suffered on Earth, the better it will be in Heaven. His belief is what sustains him and what gets him through each of his days.
TIME
He lies in his recliner.
That's all that he can do.
His needs are within arm's reach;
the remote,
his pills,
his oxygen.
His days are long.
The nights even longer.
Not sure if it's Monday or Tuesday.
Each day repeating just like the last.
He is a spiritual man.
He believes in God and the afterlife.
He feels the more we suffer on Earth,
the better our Heaven will have to be.
He takes things all in stride.
He says there's not much else one can do.
When asked how things are going,
he's quick to reply
"I'm puttin my time in."
Bill was quick to smile and shared that he spent his days and nights lying in his recliner. It was the only place where he was comfortable and could breathe easily. He was on continuous oxygen and felt safe as everything he needed was within arm's reach. Bill spends his day watching television and listening to chamber music.
Each time I visited Bill's home, I would find him in good spirits with an easy smile. I am always amazed how someone, who has had every pleasure taken away, can still find joy. He was one of those folks. Bill spoke of God and the afterlife and felt that Earth was Hell. He felt that the more one suffered on Earth, the better it will be in Heaven. His belief is what sustains him and what gets him through each of his days.
TIME
He lies in his recliner.
That's all that he can do.
His needs are within arm's reach;
the remote,
his pills,
his oxygen.
His days are long.
The nights even longer.
Not sure if it's Monday or Tuesday.
Each day repeating just like the last.
He is a spiritual man.
He believes in God and the afterlife.
He feels the more we suffer on Earth,
the better our Heaven will have to be.
He takes things all in stride.
He says there's not much else one can do.
When asked how things are going,
he's quick to reply
"I'm puttin my time in."
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
HUGS
I just flew home from spending three days with my friends Judy and Ray. Ray was diagnosed with cancer four months ago and has been declining rapidly since then. He is so weak and eating very little. His color is ashen and he sleeps most of the day.
This was the first time I saw them since his diagnosis. I couldn't wait to get there to give Judy a big hug. When Judy met me at the baggage claim to pick me up at the airport, I hugged her for so long. I didn't want to let her go. I wanted to ease her pain and let her know that I am and will always be there for her and Ray.
Over the course of the three day trip, I probably hugged Judy every hour on the hour. I needed to have that connection with her. I felt that it was the only thing I could do for her.
I spent some time alone with Ray and I promised him that I would take care of Judy and make sure she will be okay. Judy had asked me to write his obituary and I wanted to ask Ray about what he would want his legacy to be. I started out by saying that Judy had asked me to write.....I paused for a moment and immediately Ray added, "my obituary?"
Ray has accepted his situation from the moment of his diagnosis. He is in good spirits with a quick smile. I am in awe of how he is coping with such a horrific disease.
As Judy dropped me off at the airport, I gave her one final, long hug. It was hard to walk into the terminal and leave her. I know before too long, though, I will return.
HUGS
I have always loved to give hugs.
It's a great way to say hello.
A hug is one of the few things in life
that comes back the moment it's given away.
This time the hugs were so different.
They weren't for goodbye or hello.
I needed to wrap my arms around her.
To protect her from the pain.
I cannot stop him from dying.
I cannot freeze him in time.
He probably has only a few more weeks.
She knows he's slipping away.
All I could do was hug her.
Then hug her again and again.
It's the only way I knew how to comfort her.
The rest is out of our hands.
I wanted her to know I'll always be there
no matter what day or what time.
Her hugs were soothing.
Her embraces so warm.
I guess I needed some hugging too.
This was the first time I saw them since his diagnosis. I couldn't wait to get there to give Judy a big hug. When Judy met me at the baggage claim to pick me up at the airport, I hugged her for so long. I didn't want to let her go. I wanted to ease her pain and let her know that I am and will always be there for her and Ray.
Over the course of the three day trip, I probably hugged Judy every hour on the hour. I needed to have that connection with her. I felt that it was the only thing I could do for her.
I spent some time alone with Ray and I promised him that I would take care of Judy and make sure she will be okay. Judy had asked me to write his obituary and I wanted to ask Ray about what he would want his legacy to be. I started out by saying that Judy had asked me to write.....I paused for a moment and immediately Ray added, "my obituary?"
Ray has accepted his situation from the moment of his diagnosis. He is in good spirits with a quick smile. I am in awe of how he is coping with such a horrific disease.
As Judy dropped me off at the airport, I gave her one final, long hug. It was hard to walk into the terminal and leave her. I know before too long, though, I will return.
HUGS
I have always loved to give hugs.
It's a great way to say hello.
A hug is one of the few things in life
that comes back the moment it's given away.
This time the hugs were so different.
They weren't for goodbye or hello.
I needed to wrap my arms around her.
To protect her from the pain.
I cannot stop him from dying.
I cannot freeze him in time.
He probably has only a few more weeks.
She knows he's slipping away.
All I could do was hug her.
Then hug her again and again.
It's the only way I knew how to comfort her.
The rest is out of our hands.
I wanted her to know I'll always be there
no matter what day or what time.
Her hugs were soothing.
Her embraces so warm.
I guess I needed some hugging too.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
HER BROTHER
Eighty year old "Ben" suffered from end stage lung disease. Ben and his wife, "Milly" have been married for fifty-four years. They have two sons who reside locally and a daughter who lives about six hours away. Ben and Milly raised their children with love and lots of humor.
Ben was only on hospice for a few weeks when he took a sudden turn for the worse. He died three days later. I went out hours before he died and found him unconscious. Ben's breathing was very shallow and it appeared that his death was imminent.
The family said that Ben's sister, "Paula", was driving up and would be there later that day around dinner time. They had told Ben about his sister's visit and believed that he was holding on until she arrived.
Ben's only sibling, Paula, was twelve years old when he was born. She clearly remembers the day her little brother was born. She was out in the waiting room and couldn't wait to see him. The two of them have remained close their entire lives. Paula now lives about 500 miles away, but had been calling several times each week to check in on her brother.
The moment Paula heard that Ben's death was near, she and her husband got into their RV to drive the six hour trip to her brother's home. It was ironic that Paula was there when Ben was born and likewise there when he peacefully died.
Patients hold on for specific reasons. I have experienced patients waiting until an anniversary date, a certain telephone call, some unfinished business to be completed or, like the story above, until a special person visits. It happens too often to be a coincidence. I believe patients have control over when they let go. This story is a perfect example of such a phenomenon.
HER BROTHER
She sat patiently in the hospital room
waiting for him to come.
She wanted to meet her new brother.
To welcome him into her world.
She'll always remember that special day
even though eight decades have passed.
She and her brother have always been close.
It never mattered that she lived hours away.
It broke her heart to hear of his illness
for he had always been strong.
When they were small, she took care of him.
Now there was nothing she could do.
She called weekly to keep in touch.
She needed to hear his voice.
When they told her his time was close,
she knew she had to come.
He was unconscious and barely breathing.
The family had gathered around.
He knew the moment she walked in
as ninety minutes later he was gone.
He had been lying calmly
waiting for her to come.
He wanted one final goodbye
before moving onto his next world.
Ben was only on hospice for a few weeks when he took a sudden turn for the worse. He died three days later. I went out hours before he died and found him unconscious. Ben's breathing was very shallow and it appeared that his death was imminent.
The family said that Ben's sister, "Paula", was driving up and would be there later that day around dinner time. They had told Ben about his sister's visit and believed that he was holding on until she arrived.
Ben's only sibling, Paula, was twelve years old when he was born. She clearly remembers the day her little brother was born. She was out in the waiting room and couldn't wait to see him. The two of them have remained close their entire lives. Paula now lives about 500 miles away, but had been calling several times each week to check in on her brother.
The moment Paula heard that Ben's death was near, she and her husband got into their RV to drive the six hour trip to her brother's home. It was ironic that Paula was there when Ben was born and likewise there when he peacefully died.
Patients hold on for specific reasons. I have experienced patients waiting until an anniversary date, a certain telephone call, some unfinished business to be completed or, like the story above, until a special person visits. It happens too often to be a coincidence. I believe patients have control over when they let go. This story is a perfect example of such a phenomenon.
HER BROTHER
She sat patiently in the hospital room
waiting for him to come.
She wanted to meet her new brother.
To welcome him into her world.
She'll always remember that special day
even though eight decades have passed.
She and her brother have always been close.
It never mattered that she lived hours away.
It broke her heart to hear of his illness
for he had always been strong.
When they were small, she took care of him.
Now there was nothing she could do.
She called weekly to keep in touch.
She needed to hear his voice.
When they told her his time was close,
she knew she had to come.
He was unconscious and barely breathing.
The family had gathered around.
He knew the moment she walked in
as ninety minutes later he was gone.
He had been lying calmly
waiting for her to come.
He wanted one final goodbye
before moving onto his next world.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
ANOTHER PENNY
"Jim", eighty-four years old, suffered from end stage cardiac disease. His doctor referred him to hospice as he had been declining recently. Jim was widowed twelve years ago, the same time that his son died from leukemia. Jim's remaining son, "Ron" lived nearby and was very devoted to his father. The family hired full time attendant care through Jim's long term care insurance to assist Jim with his daily needs. Even though there was help in the home, Ron visited daily.
Ron's wife, "Janet" worried about Ron as she felt that he had never dealt with his mother's or brother's death. Janet said that Ron never cried or grieved over these losses. I spoke about grief and individual strategies for processing cumulative loss. Ron then started to talk about his deceased family members. One could see the pain in his eyes.
Earlier, I had found a copper penny on the driveway as I was walking up to their front door. I picked it up and had a sense that there was a purpose for my find. Some believe, as do I, that finding a copper penny is a message from a departed loved one letting you know that they are okay. I have experienced and witnessed many moments validating this phenomenon.
I put the penny in my pocket and had forgotten about it as I was focused on educating Jim and his family about hospice services that were available. I also wanted to assess how the family was coping and what supports they had.
I remembered the penny in my pocket once Ron started to talk about his mother and brother. I spoke about the meaning of finding a copper penny and shared that I had found one in front of their home on my way to their front door. I pulled it out of my pocket and told Ron that it was from his mother and brother. I had a strong feeling of love, calmness and joy while handing him the penny. Ron teared up, hugged and thanked me for giving him such a priceless gift.
ANOTHER PENNY
I found another penny
on my way into their home.
I knew there was a purpose,
but what, I did not know.
His father's rapid decline
triggered memories of long ago.
Painful wounds resurfaced.
Old feelings suddenly fresh.
He spoke about his grief.
How keeping busy avoids the pain.
He misses his mother and brother.
He thinks of them every day.
I handed him the penny
that I found outside his home.
I knew it was from his family
as I felt tranquility, love and joy.
Was it just my imagination?
Was it a message from above?
Somehow it really doesn't matter
as we both know it to be true.
Ron's wife, "Janet" worried about Ron as she felt that he had never dealt with his mother's or brother's death. Janet said that Ron never cried or grieved over these losses. I spoke about grief and individual strategies for processing cumulative loss. Ron then started to talk about his deceased family members. One could see the pain in his eyes.
Earlier, I had found a copper penny on the driveway as I was walking up to their front door. I picked it up and had a sense that there was a purpose for my find. Some believe, as do I, that finding a copper penny is a message from a departed loved one letting you know that they are okay. I have experienced and witnessed many moments validating this phenomenon.
I put the penny in my pocket and had forgotten about it as I was focused on educating Jim and his family about hospice services that were available. I also wanted to assess how the family was coping and what supports they had.
I remembered the penny in my pocket once Ron started to talk about his mother and brother. I spoke about the meaning of finding a copper penny and shared that I had found one in front of their home on my way to their front door. I pulled it out of my pocket and told Ron that it was from his mother and brother. I had a strong feeling of love, calmness and joy while handing him the penny. Ron teared up, hugged and thanked me for giving him such a priceless gift.
ANOTHER PENNY
I found another penny
on my way into their home.
I knew there was a purpose,
but what, I did not know.
His father's rapid decline
triggered memories of long ago.
Painful wounds resurfaced.
Old feelings suddenly fresh.
He spoke about his grief.
How keeping busy avoids the pain.
He misses his mother and brother.
He thinks of them every day.
I handed him the penny
that I found outside his home.
I knew it was from his family
as I felt tranquility, love and joy.
Was it just my imagination?
Was it a message from above?
Somehow it really doesn't matter
as we both know it to be true.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
GUIDED FROM ABOVE
I experience many coincidences during the course of my work day. I do not believe they are coincidences as I believe these moments are directed from above. I feel God's presence when a plan works perfectly.
I have a new patient, "Mike". Mike is fifty-seven years old and suffers from end stage cardiac disease. He resides in a Residential Care Facility as he has alienated his family and friends due to a long history of drug and alcohol abuse. He has no visitors as his only contact is his sister who resides in another state. Mike has limited funds and needed a new battery for his cell phone as the one he had would no longer take a charge.
His cell phone is his lifeline to his sister, his only support person. Hospice has donated funds that can be used for these type of situations. I wanted to purchase Mike a new battery. There were no identifying numbers on his cell phone, so I traced the battery on a piece of paper to be able to know the exact size he needed.
As I drove away from Mike's facility, I was trying to figure out where I could go to get him a new cell battery. It was a Friday afternoon and I knew the earliest I could get back to him was the following Tuesday. I really wanted to get him a battery as soon as I could as I knew how important it was to him.
I was about ten minutes away from his place when I saw a small strip mall. On impulse, I drove into the parking lot. I thought it would be a good spot to use my GPS to find the nearest phone store. I parked my car and looked around the area before using the GPS. Surprisingly I saw a Metro PCS phone center a few stores away. I went in and asked about batteries. The clerk stated that he needed the number off the telephone. He informed me that the number was under the battery casing. He said if the patient had Metro PCS, he would easily find out which battery is needed. Knowing that Verizon and AT&T are the most popular providers, I had my doubts that this would work.
I called Mike and he said that he did have Metro PCS as his phone service. He gave me permission to give the clerk his name. I was able to return to the store and purchase the correct battery. Because I was still close to where Mike lived, I had time to take him his battery and still make my next appointment.
Mike was so moved that he hugged me and said, "I love you". I was also very moved as I knew it meant so much to him. The process just flowed and the timing was perfect. These are the moments when I feel God's presence.
GUIDED FROM ABOVE
People ask why I do what I do.
They think it would be hard.
But I touch God each and every day
as I am guided from above.
He leads me where I need to go.
He guides me through my days.
The timing somehow is always perfect.
I know I do not work alone.
It has to be guidance from above.
I sense His surroundings.
I know He is there.
A soft whisper,
a gentle touch,
to lead me on my way.
It happens too often to be a coincidence.
Placing me in the right place at the right time.
Thank you God for your perfection.
For your guidance from above.
I have a new patient, "Mike". Mike is fifty-seven years old and suffers from end stage cardiac disease. He resides in a Residential Care Facility as he has alienated his family and friends due to a long history of drug and alcohol abuse. He has no visitors as his only contact is his sister who resides in another state. Mike has limited funds and needed a new battery for his cell phone as the one he had would no longer take a charge.
His cell phone is his lifeline to his sister, his only support person. Hospice has donated funds that can be used for these type of situations. I wanted to purchase Mike a new battery. There were no identifying numbers on his cell phone, so I traced the battery on a piece of paper to be able to know the exact size he needed.
As I drove away from Mike's facility, I was trying to figure out where I could go to get him a new cell battery. It was a Friday afternoon and I knew the earliest I could get back to him was the following Tuesday. I really wanted to get him a battery as soon as I could as I knew how important it was to him.
I was about ten minutes away from his place when I saw a small strip mall. On impulse, I drove into the parking lot. I thought it would be a good spot to use my GPS to find the nearest phone store. I parked my car and looked around the area before using the GPS. Surprisingly I saw a Metro PCS phone center a few stores away. I went in and asked about batteries. The clerk stated that he needed the number off the telephone. He informed me that the number was under the battery casing. He said if the patient had Metro PCS, he would easily find out which battery is needed. Knowing that Verizon and AT&T are the most popular providers, I had my doubts that this would work.
I called Mike and he said that he did have Metro PCS as his phone service. He gave me permission to give the clerk his name. I was able to return to the store and purchase the correct battery. Because I was still close to where Mike lived, I had time to take him his battery and still make my next appointment.
Mike was so moved that he hugged me and said, "I love you". I was also very moved as I knew it meant so much to him. The process just flowed and the timing was perfect. These are the moments when I feel God's presence.
GUIDED FROM ABOVE
People ask why I do what I do.
They think it would be hard.
But I touch God each and every day
as I am guided from above.
He leads me where I need to go.
He guides me through my days.
The timing somehow is always perfect.
I know I do not work alone.
It has to be guidance from above.
I sense His surroundings.
I know He is there.
A soft whisper,
a gentle touch,
to lead me on my way.
It happens too often to be a coincidence.
Placing me in the right place at the right time.
Thank you God for your perfection.
For your guidance from above.
Monday, October 18, 2010
HIS OBITUARY
My friend Ray was diagnosed three months ago with bile duct cancer. He has been through radiation and chemotherapy without much success. He is not eating much at all and has lost over forty pounds during this time. He is now on hospice as he is so weak and is declining quickly.
Judy, his wife, is a very close friend. We have talked weekly on the phone for years as they live in another state. It is our way of staying in touch. Judy and Ray have lots of supportive family and friends who have been visiting. I will be visiting in two weeks for three days. I have been looking forward to the trip as I have this strong need to give my friends a huge hug.
As Judy and I were talking tonight on the phone, she asked me if I would write Ray's obituary while I was visiting. I instantly had tears as I felt so honored to be asked. But then, I felt a huge responsibility as I was wondering if I was up to the task. I have known Ray for one-third of his life and realize that there is a lot about him that I just don't know. My plan is to sit down and talk with him about his childhood, his dreams, his legacy.
I know Judy trusts me to be able to do this. I pray I don't let her down.
HIS OBITUARY
She said she had something to ask me.
She says its been on her mind.
She asked me to write his obituary.
The one thing she just cannot do.
I told her that I would be honored.
I told her that I was deeply moved.
I will do my best to document his life
in the fitting way he so truly deserves.
What can one say in a few paragraphs
that captures the years of his life?
He's a husband, a father, a hard working man.
He also is an amazing friend.
He is proud of his classic GTO.
He's won "Best in Show" many times.
He'll always have chips and salsa nearby
while cheering on his Miami team.
It's clear he'll be missed by many.
Probably more than I'll ever know.
He's leaving an amazing mark while here.
I hope I can capture it all.
Judy, his wife, is a very close friend. We have talked weekly on the phone for years as they live in another state. It is our way of staying in touch. Judy and Ray have lots of supportive family and friends who have been visiting. I will be visiting in two weeks for three days. I have been looking forward to the trip as I have this strong need to give my friends a huge hug.
As Judy and I were talking tonight on the phone, she asked me if I would write Ray's obituary while I was visiting. I instantly had tears as I felt so honored to be asked. But then, I felt a huge responsibility as I was wondering if I was up to the task. I have known Ray for one-third of his life and realize that there is a lot about him that I just don't know. My plan is to sit down and talk with him about his childhood, his dreams, his legacy.
I know Judy trusts me to be able to do this. I pray I don't let her down.
HIS OBITUARY
She said she had something to ask me.
She says its been on her mind.
She asked me to write his obituary.
The one thing she just cannot do.
I told her that I would be honored.
I told her that I was deeply moved.
I will do my best to document his life
in the fitting way he so truly deserves.
What can one say in a few paragraphs
that captures the years of his life?
He's a husband, a father, a hard working man.
He also is an amazing friend.
He is proud of his classic GTO.
He's won "Best in Show" many times.
He'll always have chips and salsa nearby
while cheering on his Miami team.
It's clear he'll be missed by many.
Probably more than I'll ever know.
He's leaving an amazing mark while here.
I hope I can capture it all.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
HIS MOM
Fifty-seven year old "Darla" was diagnosed with lung cancer. She came onto hospice as the cancer had spread to her brain causing a stroke, which left her paralyzed on her right side. Darla had been living with her twenty-one year old son, "Shawn". Darla had divorced Shawn's father over fourteen years ago.
Shawn has a learning disability and had been in special education classes while in school. He is devoted to his mother and has not yet been out in the world to experience any challenges alone. He quit a job three years ago to take care of his mother after her lung cancer diagnosis.
After the stroke, Darla was admitted into a Skilled Nursing Facility for end-of-life care. Shawn is overwhelmed by the emotions of losing his mother. Her personality has changed to where she has become demanding. Shawn hates to visit his mother now as this is not the mother he knows.
When I first met with Shawn, he was asking about state funding to support him financially. His rent bill is late and he owes money to the nursing facility. I spoke with Shawn about some avenues where he may get some help thinking, at the time, that he may not have the maturity to accomplish that without additional assistance.
The following week I met with Shawn again at his mother's facility. Shawn had followed up with the options we previously discussed. He had been successful in those endeavors. I was really proud of him. I felt that I was witnessing him mature right in front of my eyes.
A single tear flowed down his right cheek as he shared that he wanted things to be over. These emotions were new to him and he struggled with how to handle them. I referred him to one of our bereavement counselors as he says that his girlfriend is supportive, but he needed someone older to talk with. He needs a mom.
He is a young man that would make any mother proud. I told him that the best way to keep his mother's legacy alive is to be that wonderful man she raised. Darla died one week later after being on hospice for only three weeks.
HIS MOM
It's been just him and his mom
for more than fourteen years.
The two have been through a lot.
His mom and he.
He's too young to be losing her.
He's twenty-one, but just a boy.
A single tear flows down his cheek
when he thinks of life without her.
These feelings are all new to him.
The pain is way too deep.
His girlfriend is supportive,
but now he really needs his mom.
It's hard to visit her now
as the cancer has invaded her brain.
She's not the mother that he knows.
Her personality has changed.
He's ready for it to be over.
Her last gift to him is time.
He'll move on with his life,
but he'll never forget
the one who raised him
to be a man.
His mom.
Shawn has a learning disability and had been in special education classes while in school. He is devoted to his mother and has not yet been out in the world to experience any challenges alone. He quit a job three years ago to take care of his mother after her lung cancer diagnosis.
After the stroke, Darla was admitted into a Skilled Nursing Facility for end-of-life care. Shawn is overwhelmed by the emotions of losing his mother. Her personality has changed to where she has become demanding. Shawn hates to visit his mother now as this is not the mother he knows.
When I first met with Shawn, he was asking about state funding to support him financially. His rent bill is late and he owes money to the nursing facility. I spoke with Shawn about some avenues where he may get some help thinking, at the time, that he may not have the maturity to accomplish that without additional assistance.
The following week I met with Shawn again at his mother's facility. Shawn had followed up with the options we previously discussed. He had been successful in those endeavors. I was really proud of him. I felt that I was witnessing him mature right in front of my eyes.
A single tear flowed down his right cheek as he shared that he wanted things to be over. These emotions were new to him and he struggled with how to handle them. I referred him to one of our bereavement counselors as he says that his girlfriend is supportive, but he needed someone older to talk with. He needs a mom.
He is a young man that would make any mother proud. I told him that the best way to keep his mother's legacy alive is to be that wonderful man she raised. Darla died one week later after being on hospice for only three weeks.
HIS MOM
It's been just him and his mom
for more than fourteen years.
The two have been through a lot.
His mom and he.
He's too young to be losing her.
He's twenty-one, but just a boy.
A single tear flows down his cheek
when he thinks of life without her.
These feelings are all new to him.
The pain is way too deep.
His girlfriend is supportive,
but now he really needs his mom.
It's hard to visit her now
as the cancer has invaded her brain.
She's not the mother that he knows.
Her personality has changed.
He's ready for it to be over.
Her last gift to him is time.
He'll move on with his life,
but he'll never forget
the one who raised him
to be a man.
His mom.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
FAITH
Forty-nine year old "Andy" suffers from rectal cancer that has spread to his liver. The entire two months he has been on hospice, Andy talks about his belief that God will cure him. Andy is from a very large, extended family who are very involved in his life. Andy is married to "Sarah". Sarah and Andy have a fourteen year old son, "Jeremy". Sarah has been very honest with Jeremy about what is happening to his father.
Andy has been slowly declining, although would never talk about his decline or terminal diagnosis. He believes that God will grant him a miracle and cure him because there are people all over the world praying for him through a prayer chain.
Andy has been becoming weaker until suddenly he could no longer walk and was extremely weak. The hospice nurse went out to make a visit and called me to come out as she did not think Andy would survive the day.
I walked into the home and Sarah was helping Andy in the bathroom. While waiting for them to come out, I was able to meet with Andy's mother and sister who were visiting. They were both shocked at his rapid decline. Andy's mother had lost her eldest son fourteen years ago from cardiac disease. Andy is her youngest son. Her strong Catholic faith and prayer are what sustains her and the family.
Twenty minutes later, I went to check on Andy and Sarah. The bathroom door was open and Andy was sitting on the floor. Sarah was attempting to lift him up into the wheelchair and could not. Andy's sister tried to help and neither could lift him. I then called the non-emergency fire department to help Andy back into bed.
After the firemen left, Andy went from expecting God to grant him a miracle to the sudden awareness that he was dying. He was at total peace about it all. His only worry was his son and I reassured him that his son and family were going to be okay because of the love, support and strong faith his family provided.
Andy said that I came at the perfect time. I told him that I felt guided to his home. He answered, "Yes you were, by God". I, too, felt that I was touched by God; a miracle He granted to me.
The following morning, I called the home to see how things were going. I spoke with Sarah and she said that Andy died at 4:30am that morning. She had not yet contacted hospice as she wanted family to be able to say goodbye to Andy. I informed her that the hospice nurse can come out to do the pronouncement and the mortuary can be called when she is ready.
FAITH
He has always had a compelling faith.
His belief in God is that strong.
He reads bible verses daily
reinforcing his conviction that he will be saved.
He knows God will grant him a miracle.
He knows his cancer will be cured
for all the people who are praying for him
locally and around the world.
Even though he is weakening,
his conviction remains strong.
He will not talk about his dying,
even though his body is starting to shut down.
During my visit today, he slid down to the floor.
His wife was unable to lift him up
so firemen were called to help him to bed.
It was then that he realized the real truth.
He now knows his time is short.
He is suddenly at peace about letting go.
He continues to trust his faith to guide him.
His belief in God remains that strong.
Andy has been slowly declining, although would never talk about his decline or terminal diagnosis. He believes that God will grant him a miracle and cure him because there are people all over the world praying for him through a prayer chain.
Andy has been becoming weaker until suddenly he could no longer walk and was extremely weak. The hospice nurse went out to make a visit and called me to come out as she did not think Andy would survive the day.
I walked into the home and Sarah was helping Andy in the bathroom. While waiting for them to come out, I was able to meet with Andy's mother and sister who were visiting. They were both shocked at his rapid decline. Andy's mother had lost her eldest son fourteen years ago from cardiac disease. Andy is her youngest son. Her strong Catholic faith and prayer are what sustains her and the family.
Twenty minutes later, I went to check on Andy and Sarah. The bathroom door was open and Andy was sitting on the floor. Sarah was attempting to lift him up into the wheelchair and could not. Andy's sister tried to help and neither could lift him. I then called the non-emergency fire department to help Andy back into bed.
After the firemen left, Andy went from expecting God to grant him a miracle to the sudden awareness that he was dying. He was at total peace about it all. His only worry was his son and I reassured him that his son and family were going to be okay because of the love, support and strong faith his family provided.
Andy said that I came at the perfect time. I told him that I felt guided to his home. He answered, "Yes you were, by God". I, too, felt that I was touched by God; a miracle He granted to me.
The following morning, I called the home to see how things were going. I spoke with Sarah and she said that Andy died at 4:30am that morning. She had not yet contacted hospice as she wanted family to be able to say goodbye to Andy. I informed her that the hospice nurse can come out to do the pronouncement and the mortuary can be called when she is ready.
FAITH
He has always had a compelling faith.
His belief in God is that strong.
He reads bible verses daily
reinforcing his conviction that he will be saved.
He knows God will grant him a miracle.
He knows his cancer will be cured
for all the people who are praying for him
locally and around the world.
Even though he is weakening,
his conviction remains strong.
He will not talk about his dying,
even though his body is starting to shut down.
During my visit today, he slid down to the floor.
His wife was unable to lift him up
so firemen were called to help him to bed.
It was then that he realized the real truth.
He now knows his time is short.
He is suddenly at peace about letting go.
He continues to trust his faith to guide him.
His belief in God remains that strong.
Saturday, September 18, 2010
COWS
Fifty-seven year old "Denise" suffers from throat cancer. She has difficulty breathing which is becoming more of a struggle for her as each week goes by. In addition, she has recently started to cough up blood. Each new change is a reminder to her that she is getting closer to death. Her doctor feels she may die within the month.
Denise has a very large collection of porcelain cows. She was excited to learn that I too love cows. Denise stores her cows in two large bins. She brought out the bins today and started to carefully unwrap each cow. She started telling me the stories about each one and where she was traveling when she purchased them.
She was sharing her legacy with me as each cow triggered a beautiful memory for her. It also brought up a lot of sadness as it was a remindeer of all that she will be losing.
Denise asked me to donate the cows to a worthy cause for her. It is important to her that the cows find a home with someone who loves them as much as she does. This is her legacy.
COWS
She has always loved cows.
They easily put a quick smile on her face.
She now has quite a large collection
as her purchases have been many
these past few years.
There's not enough room to display them all.
Most are safely stored in two large bins.
Individually encased in pink bubble wrap.
Each tenderly wrapped by her own two hands.
We went through the two bins today.
She told me the story about each cow.
Each one triggering a lovely memory.
Each one triggering a single tear.
Each cow is reminiscent
of special times and places.
But each is also a reminder
of how much she is going to lose.
She gave me the two bins today.
She asked me to donate them to a worthy cause.
She knows she won't be alive to see it,
but her legacy will continue
as I'll make sure her cows
find a good home.
Denise has a very large collection of porcelain cows. She was excited to learn that I too love cows. Denise stores her cows in two large bins. She brought out the bins today and started to carefully unwrap each cow. She started telling me the stories about each one and where she was traveling when she purchased them.
She was sharing her legacy with me as each cow triggered a beautiful memory for her. It also brought up a lot of sadness as it was a remindeer of all that she will be losing.
Denise asked me to donate the cows to a worthy cause for her. It is important to her that the cows find a home with someone who loves them as much as she does. This is her legacy.
COWS
She has always loved cows.
They easily put a quick smile on her face.
She now has quite a large collection
as her purchases have been many
these past few years.
There's not enough room to display them all.
Most are safely stored in two large bins.
Individually encased in pink bubble wrap.
Each tenderly wrapped by her own two hands.
We went through the two bins today.
She told me the story about each cow.
Each one triggering a lovely memory.
Each one triggering a single tear.
Each cow is reminiscent
of special times and places.
But each is also a reminder
of how much she is going to lose.
She gave me the two bins today.
She asked me to donate them to a worthy cause.
She knows she won't be alive to see it,
but her legacy will continue
as I'll make sure her cows
find a good home.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
MY PRAYER
Nineteen year old "Chris" had been in remission from leukemia for about one year when it suddenly returned with a vengeance one week ago. He was admitted to hospice at that time. When I went out to meet with the family, Chris was unresponsive and very close to death. This is a large, supportive family with a strong Christian faith that sustains them. Many of Chris's friends were present during my visit.
Chris's father, "Ben" said that he and his son had just started to share adult to adult moments. Ben feels that his life will be tortured because of such a tremendous loss. I encouraged him to ask himself what his son would say to him when those moments occured.
Right before I left the home, Ben sat down next to Chris who was lying in his hospital bed. Ben was gently rubbing his son's hand. I asked Ben if he had given Chris permission to go. Ben started to cry and said that he hadn't even thought of doing that. I shared that it was okay if he was unable to do so.
The next morning I called the home to see how things were going for them. Ben shared how Chris had died about thirty minutes after I left. I wasn't yet aware as somehow the hospice nurse's message didn't get on the main reporting line. Ben said that one of his biggest worries was that his son would die and he wouldn't be present. He feared that he would hear from someone else how it went.
Ben stated that right after I left he gave his son permission to go. Chris died thirty minutes later. Ben said that he will never forget me for the rest of his life because of that. He said that I allowed him to be present when his son died. I immediately was speechless and my eyes filled with tears. This poem is my attempt at trying to decipher my connection with an amazing God.
MY PRAYER
Thank you God for using me yesterday.
For guiding me to their home
at that particular time,
on that particular day.
Thank you for giving me the words
that flowed so easily; so clear,
making sure that he would hear You.
You helped him to let go.
He wanted to share this moment.
Not to hear from someone else.
You directly it so perfectly.
You allowed him to be there.
He thanked me and said
he would never forget me.
It makes one humble.
I am in awe,
knowing You chose me in this way
to be a part of something great.
So I thank you God for using me.
I also will never forget.
Chris's father, "Ben" said that he and his son had just started to share adult to adult moments. Ben feels that his life will be tortured because of such a tremendous loss. I encouraged him to ask himself what his son would say to him when those moments occured.
Right before I left the home, Ben sat down next to Chris who was lying in his hospital bed. Ben was gently rubbing his son's hand. I asked Ben if he had given Chris permission to go. Ben started to cry and said that he hadn't even thought of doing that. I shared that it was okay if he was unable to do so.
The next morning I called the home to see how things were going for them. Ben shared how Chris had died about thirty minutes after I left. I wasn't yet aware as somehow the hospice nurse's message didn't get on the main reporting line. Ben said that one of his biggest worries was that his son would die and he wouldn't be present. He feared that he would hear from someone else how it went.
Ben stated that right after I left he gave his son permission to go. Chris died thirty minutes later. Ben said that he will never forget me for the rest of his life because of that. He said that I allowed him to be present when his son died. I immediately was speechless and my eyes filled with tears. This poem is my attempt at trying to decipher my connection with an amazing God.
MY PRAYER
Thank you God for using me yesterday.
For guiding me to their home
at that particular time,
on that particular day.
Thank you for giving me the words
that flowed so easily; so clear,
making sure that he would hear You.
You helped him to let go.
He wanted to share this moment.
Not to hear from someone else.
You directly it so perfectly.
You allowed him to be there.
He thanked me and said
he would never forget me.
It makes one humble.
I am in awe,
knowing You chose me in this way
to be a part of something great.
So I thank you God for using me.
I also will never forget.
Friday, September 3, 2010
MESSAGES FROM ABOVE
Fifty-seven year old "Debra" suffered from end stage colon cancer. She had no family locally as they all lived in different states. She had lived alone for years and was very independent. Her doctor first suggested hospice to her six weeks before she agreed to come onto hospice. Debra had already started her dying process by the time hospice became involved.
It was, at that time, that her brother "Bill" and sister "Hillary" were notified. They immediately got on a plane and flew out to say their goodbyes. They were able to contact the patient's attorney to assist with finalizing her estate. Bill agreed to take his sisters two dogs, which was a great relief to Debra. Bill's son, "Anthony" was an attorney and agreed to be the patient's power of attorney.
Everything fell into place rather quickly as Bill and Hillary were focused and did what needed to be done. They were also able to spend quality time with Debra which was beneficial to all.
Hillary was a school teacher and had to get back home as the school year was starting. They left on a Tuesday morning knowing that Debra was close to death. Debra died later that day. Bill and Hillary both feel so grateful for the time they had with Debra. Hillary said that she has peace in her heart.
MESSAGES FROM ABOVE
When they heard that she was dying,
they flew out to say their goodbyes.
Months would pass without much talk,
but the family ties remained strong.
They could only stay one week
as their work demands were great.
Focused and determined,
they accomplished what they came to do.
They knew her time was close
when they said their final goodbyes.
They boarded their flight to return home,
grateful for that blessed time.
They noticed a personalized license plate
on their drive from the airport to home.
It simply said, "On to God".
It was then that they really knew.
They heard the telephone ringing
the moment they walked through their door.
They already knew what they would hear,
that she had just died that day.
They felt she left them a message from above
on the personalized plate of that car.
It gave them both peace and comfort
knowing she was on her way.
Their connection may now become stronger
than it was when she was alive.
They need only to reach out
and she will always be there.
Messages from above.
It was, at that time, that her brother "Bill" and sister "Hillary" were notified. They immediately got on a plane and flew out to say their goodbyes. They were able to contact the patient's attorney to assist with finalizing her estate. Bill agreed to take his sisters two dogs, which was a great relief to Debra. Bill's son, "Anthony" was an attorney and agreed to be the patient's power of attorney.
Everything fell into place rather quickly as Bill and Hillary were focused and did what needed to be done. They were also able to spend quality time with Debra which was beneficial to all.
Hillary was a school teacher and had to get back home as the school year was starting. They left on a Tuesday morning knowing that Debra was close to death. Debra died later that day. Bill and Hillary both feel so grateful for the time they had with Debra. Hillary said that she has peace in her heart.
MESSAGES FROM ABOVE
When they heard that she was dying,
they flew out to say their goodbyes.
Months would pass without much talk,
but the family ties remained strong.
They could only stay one week
as their work demands were great.
Focused and determined,
they accomplished what they came to do.
They knew her time was close
when they said their final goodbyes.
They boarded their flight to return home,
grateful for that blessed time.
They noticed a personalized license plate
on their drive from the airport to home.
It simply said, "On to God".
It was then that they really knew.
They heard the telephone ringing
the moment they walked through their door.
They already knew what they would hear,
that she had just died that day.
They felt she left them a message from above
on the personalized plate of that car.
It gave them both peace and comfort
knowing she was on her way.
Their connection may now become stronger
than it was when she was alive.
They need only to reach out
and she will always be there.
Messages from above.
Monday, August 30, 2010
SAYING GOODBYE
Seventy-nine year old "Betty" has been on hospice for almost one year. She suffers from lung cancer and had been doing quite well. The moment I met her, I fell in love with her. She has spunk and I saw bits of myself in her personality. She handled her dying in a way that I think I may if I were dying.
I visit almost weekly. Not because she needs it, but because she is such a delight to be around. She has slowly been declining and becoming weaker. The nurse on the case informed me that Betty was not doing well at all. She was now in bed and probably starting her dying process.
I called Betty's daughter and asked if I could come out to make a visit. I had to go say goodbye as much for me as for the patient. Betty had been sleeping most of the time, but while I was with her, she was alert and we had a good talk.
I told her that I would never forget her and that she had made an impact on my life. I asked her to give me a wink as she was passing by. She said she would. She had no fears about dying, but did share that her biggest concern were her two daughters. I assured her that I would be following up to make sure that they were getting the support they needed. I spoke about hospice's bereavement follow-up support that is available. Betty died peacefully two days later.
As a hospice worker, we often get attached to our patients and families as our time with them is very intimate and special. Some patients touch us in a very personal way. It is always hard for families to say goodbye, but it can be hard for us to also say goodbye.
SAYING GOODBYE
I heard you weren't doing well.
I heard there was a big decline.
You're now in bed; not getting up.
I needed to come to say goodbye.
Walking into your bedroom was hard
as I knew this would be the final time.
One last time to talk to you.
To tell you how I feel.
I wanted to make sure you knew
what an impact you have made
on those around who love you so.
Your legacy will be profound.
Have a beautiful journey.
I'll see you on the other side.
Give me a wink as you pass by.
But for now
I'll just say
Goodbye.
I visit almost weekly. Not because she needs it, but because she is such a delight to be around. She has slowly been declining and becoming weaker. The nurse on the case informed me that Betty was not doing well at all. She was now in bed and probably starting her dying process.
I called Betty's daughter and asked if I could come out to make a visit. I had to go say goodbye as much for me as for the patient. Betty had been sleeping most of the time, but while I was with her, she was alert and we had a good talk.
I told her that I would never forget her and that she had made an impact on my life. I asked her to give me a wink as she was passing by. She said she would. She had no fears about dying, but did share that her biggest concern were her two daughters. I assured her that I would be following up to make sure that they were getting the support they needed. I spoke about hospice's bereavement follow-up support that is available. Betty died peacefully two days later.
As a hospice worker, we often get attached to our patients and families as our time with them is very intimate and special. Some patients touch us in a very personal way. It is always hard for families to say goodbye, but it can be hard for us to also say goodbye.
SAYING GOODBYE
I heard you weren't doing well.
I heard there was a big decline.
You're now in bed; not getting up.
I needed to come to say goodbye.
Walking into your bedroom was hard
as I knew this would be the final time.
One last time to talk to you.
To tell you how I feel.
I wanted to make sure you knew
what an impact you have made
on those around who love you so.
Your legacy will be profound.
Have a beautiful journey.
I'll see you on the other side.
Give me a wink as you pass by.
But for now
I'll just say
Goodbye.
Saturday, August 21, 2010
ALL ALONE
Fifty-eight year old "Sylvia" suffers from liver cancer. She lives alone and has always been able to manage. Last week, she became so weak, she ended up in the hospital. It was then she knew she could not return home as she could no longer care for herself.
She chose to go to a Board and Care home where she would get the help she needed. Sylvia has stopped eating and likely will die soon. She stated that she has no friends. Her only family is a niece, "Rita", who lives on the East Coast. Sylvia was so weak and spoke so slowly, it was difficult to carry on a conversation with her. She would become confused, likely from the pain medication, and then correct herself.
Sylvia gave me her niece's telephone number. I was able to leave Rita a voice message on her phone. Sylvia was a legal secretary and I asked her if there was an attorney I could call for her to help establish her estate and final affairs. She denied knowing any and asked if I would call one for her. Anticipating ahead, I had previously printed out a listing of local estate attorneys. I randomly picked one off that list.
Fate was on my side as the attorney was willing to meet with Sylvia the next day. He said that she had to be of sound mind to make these legal and financial decisions. I could hear in his voice how much he wanted to help. After talking with him, I knew that I had chosen the right attorney for Sylvia.
The next day, I received a phone call from Rita who said that she and her father, Sylvia's half-brother, had flown in from Virginia. Rita said that her relationship with Sylvia had been mostly e-mails. Six months could go by without any communication between the two of them.
Rita and her father met with the attorney at the Board and Care home. Sylvia was able to verbalize her wishes regarding her estate. The family and attorney returned the following day with the needed paperwork for Sylvia's signature.
Rita was also able to find out where Sylvia had made pre-paid funeral arrangements. In addition, they also discovered that Sylvia's home is in a trust which is helpful. Rita's brother, Sylvia's nephew, is an attorney in Maryland. He will be the executor of her estate.
I wrote the following poem the day I met Sylvia which was one day prior to meeting her family. It is a wonderful feeling to have been involved with something that had such a positive outcome for all. Sylvia's affairs will be in order and the family has been able to connect and say goodbye.
ALL ALONE
She has always been a loner.
Never depending upon anyone else.
Her one family member; a niece,
lives half a world away.
She likes the quiet of having no friends;
no family to share her life.
Seclusion, solitude, privacy.
Always preferring to be alone.
But now that she is dying
who will speak when she cannot?
It's never been a problem before
as she has always handled things quite well.
She is so weak, it is hard to talk.
The medicine makes her confused.
She lies in bed with no one around.
The end of an isolated road.
How many people will remember her?
How many lives did she truly touch?
But then does it really matter
as she was able to live her life
the way she wanted,
All alone.
She chose to go to a Board and Care home where she would get the help she needed. Sylvia has stopped eating and likely will die soon. She stated that she has no friends. Her only family is a niece, "Rita", who lives on the East Coast. Sylvia was so weak and spoke so slowly, it was difficult to carry on a conversation with her. She would become confused, likely from the pain medication, and then correct herself.
Sylvia gave me her niece's telephone number. I was able to leave Rita a voice message on her phone. Sylvia was a legal secretary and I asked her if there was an attorney I could call for her to help establish her estate and final affairs. She denied knowing any and asked if I would call one for her. Anticipating ahead, I had previously printed out a listing of local estate attorneys. I randomly picked one off that list.
Fate was on my side as the attorney was willing to meet with Sylvia the next day. He said that she had to be of sound mind to make these legal and financial decisions. I could hear in his voice how much he wanted to help. After talking with him, I knew that I had chosen the right attorney for Sylvia.
The next day, I received a phone call from Rita who said that she and her father, Sylvia's half-brother, had flown in from Virginia. Rita said that her relationship with Sylvia had been mostly e-mails. Six months could go by without any communication between the two of them.
Rita and her father met with the attorney at the Board and Care home. Sylvia was able to verbalize her wishes regarding her estate. The family and attorney returned the following day with the needed paperwork for Sylvia's signature.
Rita was also able to find out where Sylvia had made pre-paid funeral arrangements. In addition, they also discovered that Sylvia's home is in a trust which is helpful. Rita's brother, Sylvia's nephew, is an attorney in Maryland. He will be the executor of her estate.
I wrote the following poem the day I met Sylvia which was one day prior to meeting her family. It is a wonderful feeling to have been involved with something that had such a positive outcome for all. Sylvia's affairs will be in order and the family has been able to connect and say goodbye.
ALL ALONE
She has always been a loner.
Never depending upon anyone else.
Her one family member; a niece,
lives half a world away.
She likes the quiet of having no friends;
no family to share her life.
Seclusion, solitude, privacy.
Always preferring to be alone.
But now that she is dying
who will speak when she cannot?
It's never been a problem before
as she has always handled things quite well.
She is so weak, it is hard to talk.
The medicine makes her confused.
She lies in bed with no one around.
The end of an isolated road.
How many people will remember her?
How many lives did she truly touch?
But then does it really matter
as she was able to live her life
the way she wanted,
All alone.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
GRANDMOTHER
Fifty-six year old "Marilyn" was admitted to hospice due to brain cancer. She recently moved in with her sister, "Anne", because she needed help and could no longer live alone. Ironically, Marilyn and Anne's ninety-five year old mother, "Vera", was also on hospice and not doing very well at all.
Right before I went on a two week vacation, I heard that Vera was close to death. When I returned two weeks later, I learned that Vera had died while I was away. I called Anne's home to check in to see on how she and her sister were coping. Anne said that her mother had lived a good long life and that it was her time.
She then shared that her daughter had given birth to a baby girl four days after her mother's death. This was Anne's first grandchild and she thought that it was very special to have a baby born so close to her mother's departure.
GRANDMOTHER
One is saying goodbye,
while another hello.
One has had a long life,
while the other has just begun.
The circle of life
brings up emotions galore.
Happiness and sadness
all because of love.
Her mother had a long life.
Longer than most ever see.
She'll miss having her around,
but knows it was her time.
Four days later a new life emerges.
Her baby granddaughter has arrived.
Softening the blow of such a great loss.
Bringing hope, love and joy.
She sees God's hand in all of this.
Creation of a perfect design.
"God's taken away one grandmother
while giving us another."
Right before I went on a two week vacation, I heard that Vera was close to death. When I returned two weeks later, I learned that Vera had died while I was away. I called Anne's home to check in to see on how she and her sister were coping. Anne said that her mother had lived a good long life and that it was her time.
She then shared that her daughter had given birth to a baby girl four days after her mother's death. This was Anne's first grandchild and she thought that it was very special to have a baby born so close to her mother's departure.
GRANDMOTHER
One is saying goodbye,
while another hello.
One has had a long life,
while the other has just begun.
The circle of life
brings up emotions galore.
Happiness and sadness
all because of love.
Her mother had a long life.
Longer than most ever see.
She'll miss having her around,
but knows it was her time.
Four days later a new life emerges.
Her baby granddaughter has arrived.
Softening the blow of such a great loss.
Bringing hope, love and joy.
She sees God's hand in all of this.
Creation of a perfect design.
"God's taken away one grandmother
while giving us another."
Saturday, August 7, 2010
SO SAD
"Randy", a twenty-two year old, suffered from testicular cancer. He lived with his fiancee, "Carol". He had just proposed to her a few weeks before we met.
Randy was only on hospice two weeks before he died. He was very weak and stated that his first priority was his family and friends. He wanted them to visit, but due to his weakness, it was a demanding chore for him. He felt bad about wanting the visits to be short, but didn't want to be rude. He was always thinking of others.
The last few days before Randy died, he was in a lot of pain, although still concerned about being a bother to his family. The family brought Randy to the Emergency Room because they felt they could not manage his pain. He died a few hours later while in the hospital.
When I heard the news that Randy had died, my first reaction was total sadness. I felt better after speaking with his family. His grandmother felt that Randy wasn't suffering any longer and was in a better place. Randy's mother said that because he was in the hospital, all they had to do was love Randy. They didn't have to be his caregivers any longer. She said that it was comforting in the way everything played out.
It makes one wonder why someone so young has to die. Randy was wise beyond his years and maybe it was just his time to go as his work was done. I would like to believe he is needed more in another place. I am sure he continues to touch hearts and souls. I just know he touched mine.
SO SAD
I only met him two weeks ago.
I hardly knew him at all.
But he immediately tugged at my heart strings.
He was the sweetest guy.
I was shocked to hear of his sudden death.
I couldn't believe it was true.
There must have been some mistake.
Somehow it felt all wrong.
I just know that I feel so sad.
It's hard to explain why.
Probably because he was so young,
but then, he was one of the good guys.
Why is one's life cut so short
while another would survive?
There is no rhyme or reason.
Someday it would be nice to understand why.
His suffering is forever over.
We know he is in a better place.
But I am so sad for his family;
for his fiancee who shared his dreams.
I cannot even imagine the pain in their hearts.
The finality of it all must be surreal.
They will experience what they need to experience,
and as for me,
for a short while,
I'll just feel
a little sad.
Randy was only on hospice two weeks before he died. He was very weak and stated that his first priority was his family and friends. He wanted them to visit, but due to his weakness, it was a demanding chore for him. He felt bad about wanting the visits to be short, but didn't want to be rude. He was always thinking of others.
The last few days before Randy died, he was in a lot of pain, although still concerned about being a bother to his family. The family brought Randy to the Emergency Room because they felt they could not manage his pain. He died a few hours later while in the hospital.
When I heard the news that Randy had died, my first reaction was total sadness. I felt better after speaking with his family. His grandmother felt that Randy wasn't suffering any longer and was in a better place. Randy's mother said that because he was in the hospital, all they had to do was love Randy. They didn't have to be his caregivers any longer. She said that it was comforting in the way everything played out.
It makes one wonder why someone so young has to die. Randy was wise beyond his years and maybe it was just his time to go as his work was done. I would like to believe he is needed more in another place. I am sure he continues to touch hearts and souls. I just know he touched mine.
SO SAD
I only met him two weeks ago.
I hardly knew him at all.
But he immediately tugged at my heart strings.
He was the sweetest guy.
I was shocked to hear of his sudden death.
I couldn't believe it was true.
There must have been some mistake.
Somehow it felt all wrong.
I just know that I feel so sad.
It's hard to explain why.
Probably because he was so young,
but then, he was one of the good guys.
Why is one's life cut so short
while another would survive?
There is no rhyme or reason.
Someday it would be nice to understand why.
His suffering is forever over.
We know he is in a better place.
But I am so sad for his family;
for his fiancee who shared his dreams.
I cannot even imagine the pain in their hearts.
The finality of it all must be surreal.
They will experience what they need to experience,
and as for me,
for a short while,
I'll just feel
a little sad.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
CANCER SUCKS!
I have known Judy and Ray for over twenty years. I met Judy in Graduate School and was introduced to her husband Ray soon after. Ray and I took an immediate liking to each other when we discovered that we both loved black licorice.
Even though they live in another state, we remain very close. Judy and I talk weekly and have visited each other's homes often. Due to work demands and distance, we do not visit as often as both of us would like.
Ray was diagnosed with Bile Duct Cancer last week. The prognosis is poor. He will be getting radiation with hopes of prolonging his life to about 8 months. My first impulse was to fly to their home, but then I stop and realize that my stronger need is to be there in a way they need me to be.
It amazes me that I work with families with the same situation every week and feel pretty confident in my role as a social worker. But when it comes to Ray's disease, I feel so inadequate. I want to help, but don't know what to do. Judy and I will sort it all out I know. But right now I just know that "Cancer Sucks!"
CANCER SUCKS!
I work with cancer patients every day.
I truly understand their individual needs.
I always know how to help.
I typically know what to say.
But when cancer comes to someone I love,
I just know how inadequate I feel.
I don't know what to do.
I don't know what to say.
Being there just doesn't feel like enough.
Listening can't make things better.
I want things to be like before,
although I know it is forever changed.
Cancer is so random.
No one is immune.
It makes one pause and wonder.
What is the lesson; the purpose?
I just know that cancer does teach us
about life; about grace.
It's all about special moments.
It's all about love.
All I can do is continue to listen.
All I can do is be there for them.
But in the end I still believe,
Cancer sucks!
Even though they live in another state, we remain very close. Judy and I talk weekly and have visited each other's homes often. Due to work demands and distance, we do not visit as often as both of us would like.
Ray was diagnosed with Bile Duct Cancer last week. The prognosis is poor. He will be getting radiation with hopes of prolonging his life to about 8 months. My first impulse was to fly to their home, but then I stop and realize that my stronger need is to be there in a way they need me to be.
It amazes me that I work with families with the same situation every week and feel pretty confident in my role as a social worker. But when it comes to Ray's disease, I feel so inadequate. I want to help, but don't know what to do. Judy and I will sort it all out I know. But right now I just know that "Cancer Sucks!"
CANCER SUCKS!
I work with cancer patients every day.
I truly understand their individual needs.
I always know how to help.
I typically know what to say.
But when cancer comes to someone I love,
I just know how inadequate I feel.
I don't know what to do.
I don't know what to say.
Being there just doesn't feel like enough.
Listening can't make things better.
I want things to be like before,
although I know it is forever changed.
Cancer is so random.
No one is immune.
It makes one pause and wonder.
What is the lesson; the purpose?
I just know that cancer does teach us
about life; about grace.
It's all about special moments.
It's all about love.
All I can do is continue to listen.
All I can do is be there for them.
But in the end I still believe,
Cancer sucks!
Sunday, July 25, 2010
A CUDDLE
64 year old "Carla" suffers from breast cancer. It has spread to her bones and she is rapidly declining. Carla lives with her husband, "George", who is a retired surgeon. They have been married for twelve years and George says that she has changed his life. He shares that he is now more open and spiritual because of Carla.
He is a very intellectual man who always had total control throughout his career as a surgeon. He was attempting to use those same skills to take care of his wife. He had been resistant to ask for help from family or friends as he felt he could manage. Carla is now total care and up at night which means George is not getting any sleep as well.
He became overwhelmed, sleep deprived and not coping due to the pressures of being Carla's lone caregiver. He came to the realization that he has to hire 24 hour help. I assisted him with getting attendant care in the home. He was then able to let go of many of the duties that he had felt responsible for.
A CUDDLE
He was a surgeon by trade
dealing daily in life and death.
He was educated and well trained.
He always knew what to do.
Now that his wife is dying
he does what he's been trained to do.
Organizing, prioritizing, intellectualizing.
It has always served him well.
But this time it is not working.
He is overwhelmed and losing control.
He just wants to give her what she needs.
He wants to do things right.
He was able to finally step off the whirlwind
by allowing himself some needed relief.
He realizes it's not a surgeon she needs,
but a husband to simply be there.
When she asked him to come cuddle
he willingly laid by her side.
The tears did come when he realized
she knew what he needed all along.
He is a very intellectual man who always had total control throughout his career as a surgeon. He was attempting to use those same skills to take care of his wife. He had been resistant to ask for help from family or friends as he felt he could manage. Carla is now total care and up at night which means George is not getting any sleep as well.
He became overwhelmed, sleep deprived and not coping due to the pressures of being Carla's lone caregiver. He came to the realization that he has to hire 24 hour help. I assisted him with getting attendant care in the home. He was then able to let go of many of the duties that he had felt responsible for.
A CUDDLE
He was a surgeon by trade
dealing daily in life and death.
He was educated and well trained.
He always knew what to do.
Now that his wife is dying
he does what he's been trained to do.
Organizing, prioritizing, intellectualizing.
It has always served him well.
But this time it is not working.
He is overwhelmed and losing control.
He just wants to give her what she needs.
He wants to do things right.
He was able to finally step off the whirlwind
by allowing himself some needed relief.
He realizes it's not a surgeon she needs,
but a husband to simply be there.
When she asked him to come cuddle
he willingly laid by her side.
The tears did come when he realized
she knew what he needed all along.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
DOUBLE TIME
40 year old "Tom" suffers from melanoma. He is married with three young children, all under eight years of age. Tom is from a very large family of whom many live nearby. There are many cousins for his children to play with in the neighborhood.
"Janet", Tom's wife, works out of the home, but is struggling with her work demands and her husband's increasing needs and decline. Janet has difficulty reaching out to her family and friends for support. She told me that her mother raised her and her siblings as a single mom and did it all. She felt she should be able to do the same. Tom has been up the past two nights and Janet has had little sleep.
Meeting with her today, we talked about the gift of receiving and how it is a benefit to all. I believe she finally understood and was receptive to having a hospice volunteer come weekly. While we were talking, Janet's mother called and asked if Janet wanted her to come over to help. When Janet hung up the phone, she came to me with a big smile and said, "I did the first step. I told her YES!:"
During my visit Tom, Janet and I talked about Tom's dying. Tom said he is tired and ready for it all to be over, but he doesn't want to let his family down. Janet said that Tom's mother tells him to keep fighting. Janet gave Tom permission to go when he is ready.
We spent time talking about how letting go is not giving up. We talked about why someone so young has to die. Tom paused for a moment and what he said triggered the following poem.
DOUBLE TIME
He has always been an upbeat person.
His cup, without exception, half full.
He prefers to focus on the positives in life.
It's what get's him through each of his days.
But now he is facing his biggest battle.
He's weak; he's tired; he's had enough.
He's fought hard, but now he is done,
although doesn't want to let his family down.
His wife says it's okay if he's done,
but his mom tells him to keep up the fight.
He's tired of being such a burden.
Each day takes an additional toll.
We talked about his dying.
We talked about his life.
We talked about how it's not giving up
when he knows it's time to just let go.
I told him his life's work must be done
for it all to end so soon.
He paused for a moment and then replied,
"I must be putting in double time".
"Janet", Tom's wife, works out of the home, but is struggling with her work demands and her husband's increasing needs and decline. Janet has difficulty reaching out to her family and friends for support. She told me that her mother raised her and her siblings as a single mom and did it all. She felt she should be able to do the same. Tom has been up the past two nights and Janet has had little sleep.
Meeting with her today, we talked about the gift of receiving and how it is a benefit to all. I believe she finally understood and was receptive to having a hospice volunteer come weekly. While we were talking, Janet's mother called and asked if Janet wanted her to come over to help. When Janet hung up the phone, she came to me with a big smile and said, "I did the first step. I told her YES!:"
During my visit Tom, Janet and I talked about Tom's dying. Tom said he is tired and ready for it all to be over, but he doesn't want to let his family down. Janet said that Tom's mother tells him to keep fighting. Janet gave Tom permission to go when he is ready.
We spent time talking about how letting go is not giving up. We talked about why someone so young has to die. Tom paused for a moment and what he said triggered the following poem.
DOUBLE TIME
He has always been an upbeat person.
His cup, without exception, half full.
He prefers to focus on the positives in life.
It's what get's him through each of his days.
But now he is facing his biggest battle.
He's weak; he's tired; he's had enough.
He's fought hard, but now he is done,
although doesn't want to let his family down.
His wife says it's okay if he's done,
but his mom tells him to keep up the fight.
He's tired of being such a burden.
Each day takes an additional toll.
We talked about his dying.
We talked about his life.
We talked about how it's not giving up
when he knows it's time to just let go.
I told him his life's work must be done
for it all to end so soon.
He paused for a moment and then replied,
"I must be putting in double time".
Saturday, July 17, 2010
SEASONS
I was asked by our Bereavment Coordinator at Hospice to write a poem for the quarterly newsletter. This poem is now a part of our Bereavment packet that goes out to families. I believe that life is ever changing just like the seasons. Our loved one's spirit will always be around. We just have to be aware.
It amazed me that this poem just popped into my head and I sat down and wrote it out rather quickly. It seems, at times, that I am just the transcriber for a higher power. I am truly guided from above.
SEASONS
If you feel, I will embrace you.
I'm the warmth of Summer sun.
If you listen, you will hear me.
I'm the whisper of a Fall breeze.
If you look, you will see me.
I am the eye of a Winter storm.
If you love, you will always find me.
A springtime bud forevermore.
It amazed me that this poem just popped into my head and I sat down and wrote it out rather quickly. It seems, at times, that I am just the transcriber for a higher power. I am truly guided from above.
SEASONS
If you feel, I will embrace you.
I'm the warmth of Summer sun.
If you listen, you will hear me.
I'm the whisper of a Fall breeze.
If you look, you will see me.
I am the eye of a Winter storm.
If you love, you will always find me.
A springtime bud forevermore.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
ONE MORE CHRISTMAS
56 year old "Diane" suffers from throat cancer. She lives with her adult daughter, "Julie" and six year old grandson, "Jess". Diane had to quit her job six months ago due to her illness. She loved her job and it was a huge loss to her to have to leave it.
Diane's voice is very hoarse and she has difficulty speaking. People have a hard time hearing her on the telephone. Two of her closest girlfriends live out of state and the telephone was their primary support to each other.
Diane loves Christmas and was looking forward to having one more Christmas in five months. That hope was shattered earlier this week when her doctor said she would likely survive for only one month unless she agreed to have a tracheotomy placed. Diane chose not to have one inserted because of the complications she perceives she would have with one placed. I encouraged her to talk to other patients that have lived with a tracheotomy. Diane said that her uncle had one, which made her more determined in her decision.
I went out to do a visit this week and Diane was very tearful, but had come to terms with her choice of not having a tracheotomy placed. With this new development, she feels that life has been so unfair to her. She said her biggest regret is that she won't be able to celebrate another Christmas.
ONE MORE CHRISTMAS
All she wants it to make it.
To make it five more months.
To live until December 25th.
To celebrate one more Christmas.
She thought she had more time.
She thought she'd see next year,
until her doctor said to her,
"It's likely one more month."
It took her by surprise.
The news was a total shock.
It knocked her off her feet.
Her world turned upside down.
She's trying to regain control.
She's orgnizing; she's rearranging.
She's making memorial plans.
But then all she wants is
one more Christmas.
She can still plan her holiday.
She can wrap presents and enjoy a tree.
Who says Christmas has to be in December
when one can celebrate in July.
Diane's voice is very hoarse and she has difficulty speaking. People have a hard time hearing her on the telephone. Two of her closest girlfriends live out of state and the telephone was their primary support to each other.
Diane loves Christmas and was looking forward to having one more Christmas in five months. That hope was shattered earlier this week when her doctor said she would likely survive for only one month unless she agreed to have a tracheotomy placed. Diane chose not to have one inserted because of the complications she perceives she would have with one placed. I encouraged her to talk to other patients that have lived with a tracheotomy. Diane said that her uncle had one, which made her more determined in her decision.
I went out to do a visit this week and Diane was very tearful, but had come to terms with her choice of not having a tracheotomy placed. With this new development, she feels that life has been so unfair to her. She said her biggest regret is that she won't be able to celebrate another Christmas.
ONE MORE CHRISTMAS
All she wants it to make it.
To make it five more months.
To live until December 25th.
To celebrate one more Christmas.
She thought she had more time.
She thought she'd see next year,
until her doctor said to her,
"It's likely one more month."
It took her by surprise.
The news was a total shock.
It knocked her off her feet.
Her world turned upside down.
She's trying to regain control.
She's orgnizing; she's rearranging.
She's making memorial plans.
But then all she wants is
one more Christmas.
She can still plan her holiday.
She can wrap presents and enjoy a tree.
Who says Christmas has to be in December
when one can celebrate in July.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
IN CHARGE
82 year old "Carl" suffered from Pancreatic Cancer. Carl was the favorite son growing up and was used to having things his way. He had always been in charge and that continued throughout his life.
He was soft spoken and not much of a talker, but had always had the command of the room. Carl lived with "Beverly", his wife of 56 years. Being a retired physician, Carl knew that the course of his disease was quite often rapid.
The first few visits with Carl and Beverly were always a lot of fun as Carl would constantly do a play on words. He got a kick out of getting me, which was often. At my first visit, for example, Carl said that his biggest complaint was weakness. Later on in the conversation, Beverly was talking about a family member that lived nearby. Carl then said, "I go their weakly."
Once Carl developed the first symptoms of a decline, he retired to his bed upstairs. He seemed to turn within and stopped talking. He appeared depressed, which he always denied when asked. He would just lie in his bed and stare at the walls. He had no stimulation as he kept the radio and TV turned off.
His decline was slow and Beverly was getting exhausted. Beverly shared how she was ready for it to be over as Carl had no quality of life. She didn't want him to suffer any longer and she was ready to move on with her life.
Carl had always said that he was ready to go and his family was wondering why he had not yet let go. One week prior to Carl's death, I made a visit and asked him if he was ready to go. His reply triggered the following poem.
IN CHARGE
He has always been in charge.
Of his life,
of his family,
of his dreams.
He has always done things his way.
It has worked well for him so far.
Whatever life hands down to him,
he makes sure he is in charge.
Once he knew his cancer was terminal,
he reacted the only way he knew.
He quickly became in charge of his disease,
willing it not to slow down.
He took to his bed and turned within,
quietly waiting for the end.
No music
no TV,
no books.
Life was over and he was done.
Weeks have gone by with a gradual decline.
His family is tired and worn.
They don't know why he's not letting go.
They are ready to move on.
He's gaunt, he's weak, he lies so still,
but they know he's still in charge.
Because when he was asked if he's ready to go,
he softly whispered in a determined voice,
"Not quite yet".
He was soft spoken and not much of a talker, but had always had the command of the room. Carl lived with "Beverly", his wife of 56 years. Being a retired physician, Carl knew that the course of his disease was quite often rapid.
The first few visits with Carl and Beverly were always a lot of fun as Carl would constantly do a play on words. He got a kick out of getting me, which was often. At my first visit, for example, Carl said that his biggest complaint was weakness. Later on in the conversation, Beverly was talking about a family member that lived nearby. Carl then said, "I go their weakly."
Once Carl developed the first symptoms of a decline, he retired to his bed upstairs. He seemed to turn within and stopped talking. He appeared depressed, which he always denied when asked. He would just lie in his bed and stare at the walls. He had no stimulation as he kept the radio and TV turned off.
His decline was slow and Beverly was getting exhausted. Beverly shared how she was ready for it to be over as Carl had no quality of life. She didn't want him to suffer any longer and she was ready to move on with her life.
Carl had always said that he was ready to go and his family was wondering why he had not yet let go. One week prior to Carl's death, I made a visit and asked him if he was ready to go. His reply triggered the following poem.
IN CHARGE
He has always been in charge.
Of his life,
of his family,
of his dreams.
He has always done things his way.
It has worked well for him so far.
Whatever life hands down to him,
he makes sure he is in charge.
Once he knew his cancer was terminal,
he reacted the only way he knew.
He quickly became in charge of his disease,
willing it not to slow down.
He took to his bed and turned within,
quietly waiting for the end.
No music
no TV,
no books.
Life was over and he was done.
Weeks have gone by with a gradual decline.
His family is tired and worn.
They don't know why he's not letting go.
They are ready to move on.
He's gaunt, he's weak, he lies so still,
but they know he's still in charge.
Because when he was asked if he's ready to go,
he softly whispered in a determined voice,
"Not quite yet".
Sunday, July 4, 2010
THE POEM
53 year old "Donna" was diagnosed with a brain tumor and given six months to live. Donna was a twin and upon learning of her terminal diagnosis, she moved in with her sister "Debbie". Debbie and Donna were very close and each had such positive attitudes and laughed easily. They were a joy to be around. Donna started thinking about her memorial and located a poem that expressed her feelings so perfectly.
I typically don't attend patient's memorials, but there are always a few that I cannot miss. I wrote the following poem after attending Donna's memorial.
THE POEM
When the doctors told them six months,
it turned their world around.
It made her think about her life
and the legacy she'd leave behind.
She found the perfect poem
which expressed the words so well.
She asked her twin if she would read it
at her memorial when she's gone.
The words stated things so clearly.
She knew all would understand.
Don't cry too hard for me today.
Please don't forget I was around.
Her twin sister read the poem today
in front of family and friends.
The paper was tattered and quite worn
as it had been held by many hands.
Tears were shed as it was clear
her legacy was profound.
It wasn't six months, but fifty-four,
when we heard that beautiful poem.
I typically don't attend patient's memorials, but there are always a few that I cannot miss. I wrote the following poem after attending Donna's memorial.
THE POEM
When the doctors told them six months,
it turned their world around.
It made her think about her life
and the legacy she'd leave behind.
She found the perfect poem
which expressed the words so well.
She asked her twin if she would read it
at her memorial when she's gone.
The words stated things so clearly.
She knew all would understand.
Don't cry too hard for me today.
Please don't forget I was around.
Her twin sister read the poem today
in front of family and friends.
The paper was tattered and quite worn
as it had been held by many hands.
Tears were shed as it was clear
her legacy was profound.
It wasn't six months, but fifty-four,
when we heard that beautiful poem.
In the Beginning
My cousin Chris came over to help me get the blog set up. He has a lot more knowledge than I on computers. Well so do a lot of folks. I plan on writing hospice stories that I witness during my days as a hospice social worker. I write poetry to document these amazing stories. My goal is to educate folks that hospice is more about living and loving than about dying.
July 4th seems to be the perfect day to set this all up. I'll put my first poem on this afternoon, so keep checking. Thanks for visiting. Marilou Rennie
July 4th seems to be the perfect day to set this all up. I'll put my first poem on this afternoon, so keep checking. Thanks for visiting. Marilou Rennie
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)