HIS BIRTHDAY

Sixty-seven year old, "Shirley", has been in poor health for many years. Shirley lives with her husband, "Jake", who is twelve years older than she. The couple have four adult children and multiple family members who all live nearby in their small town. This is a very large, extended family who are all very devoted to each other.

The patient had been in the hospital multiple times this previous month. She has been through a lot of treatment for her cancer, but when the doctors offered kidney dialysis, Shirley declined. She became confused and unresponsive while in the hospital. The family wanted to follow Shirley’s wishes to be able to go home. That is when they contacted our hospice for help.

The hospice nurse and I met the family late this afternoon at the patient’s home. Her husband, their four children and numerous other extended family were all holding vigil. One could feel the strong love in this home. We observed each family member caring for each other. Humor was a huge coping mechanism for this family. They were sharing how Shirley would always be laughing so loudly. She never complained about anything, but would rather look on the positive side of what life gives out.

Jake got serious and shared how he wanted Shirley home today as it was his birthday. He told Shirley a few days ago to hang on until his birthday; and she did. Jake said he will be ok after she dies because of his strong faith and his amazing family. Jake and his family are such a strong example of being able to give love to another. What a remarkable family.


HIS BIRTHDAY

Being twelve years older than she,
he always thought she'd outlive him.
But recently things have dramatically changed.
He knows her time is now near.

She's been in the hospital almost a week.
There is nothing more to be done.
He hopes to get her home today.
This special day; his birthday.

She is unresponsive, imminent, hardly aware,
but she did make it home by four.
He stroked her face to say welcome home.
His loving heart so sincere.

Such a large family all gathered around.
Telling her stories; laughing out loud.
Teasing each other in such a positive way.
Obviously, humor, helping them cope.

In the end, he truly knows and strongly believes
it is not what is in your life, but whom.
He felt so blessed that she made it home
on this special day;
                   his birthday. 

A PERFECT PLAN

An urgent referral was made to hospice for "James", eighty-four, who had a sudden decline since he suffered a stroke several weeks past. James has ultimately been in a skilled nursing facility following that stroke.

The hospice nurse and I met James's son, "Dan", and his daughter-in-law, "Julie" in the lobby of the nursing facility. The staff directed us to a conference room down the hall from James room for us to inform the family about hospice supports and to complete the admission paperwork.

Dan immediately started telling us stories about he and his dad and how close they were. While sharing these stories, Dan face would redden and his tears would flow. He would hold onto his wife's hand and continue to share his memories.

Ten minutes into the visit, the admission nurse, out of character, suddenly stood up and said she was going to check on James. She came back a moment later informing us that the patient was near death. Dan and Julie quickly left the room to sit with James. Ten minutes later, James took his last breath.

I have always believed that patient's let go when the time is right for them. It makes me wonder, did James know hospice was there to give comfort to his son? Did James know it was okay to go while his son sat by his bedside? I truly believe we all did witness James's perfect plan.


A PERFECT PLAN

We met them there at ten;
like we had previously scheduled.
We sat in a conference room
not far from where his father slept.

He spoke about his life
and what his father meant to him.
His grief so strong that tears would flow.
They were so sad by his recent decline.

We started to talk about hospice support.
Twenty-four hour care by a dedicated team.
Help us to follow your father's wishes.
Guide us to do things his way.

The hospice nurse hastily left
to check on how his father was doing.
She came back quickly saying,
"He is dying right now; you better come."

Ten minutes later, he was gone.
Letting go with his son by his side.
Did he choose this perfect time to leave?
Did he know there was support for his son?

A gift from a son; he didn't die alone.
A gift from a father; peacefully leaving this life.
Each giving the other a token of love.
All in all;
          indeed it was;
                   a perfect plan.

HE HAS

Sixty-three year old, "Bill", was diagnosed with throat cancer three years ago. He has since been on a feeding tube as can no longer swallow any food or liquid. Bill was referred to hospice as there is no further treatment for him.

Bill lives in the small town where he was born and raised. Three of his children live close by. Bill has a tremendous number of family and friends who are so involved and supportive. He lives in a very tiny apartment in the rough part of town. The strongest impression is all that he doesn't have.

The minute one walks into his tiny apartment, that first impression is immediately gone. Bill has so much love for others and a strong acceptance of personal challenges. We spoke about the loss of not being able to eat or taste food. Food is such a part of every culture in the world. It is a large part of what we do when family is visiting or we are on vacation.

Bill spoke about his losses in such a positive way. He totally has accepted his cancer and limitations. He has a lot of humor and laughs so easily. He knows that he cannot fight his cancer. He has chosen to accept it and continue to enjoy his life to the fullest. He sees death as "an adventure." Bill is such an amazing teacher to us all.


HE HAS

First impressions are powerful.
Conclusions come flying pretty fast.
He lives in such a small apartment.
Hardly any place to sit yourself down.

He's fought his cancer for several years.
A feeding tube keeps him alive.
He has no teeth, his clothes are frayed,
He has so little to get by.

But he astounds you with his attitude.
He smiles, he laughs, he is an amazing guy.
His positive thinking; his corny humor.
His philosophy is, "One step at a time."

He has no fears about dying.
He's not sure about heaven or hell.
"I am at peace with my God.
Death will take us where we need to go."

Initially one notices what he has not,
but once meeting him, you observe so much more.
He has peace, acceptance, love in his life,
while embracing his challenges with open arms.

One can't help noticing
           all that
                     he has.

"I AM SORRY"

"Joseph", sixty-two, was diagnosed with cancer four years ago. He had been doing fine, until four days ago, when he rapidly declined. Joseph lives with his wife, "Barb". They have a daughter, "Annie", living nearby. Joseph stopped eating several days ago and stopped drinking water yesterday. He is bedridden, unresponsive and actively dying.

The hospice nurse and I walked into Joseph's home to do our hospice admission. Barb led us into the kitchen to sit down at the kitchen table. Moments later, Annie walked in. She immediately cried and hugged me so tightly, while saying several times, "I am sorry." So many folks, myself included, say "I am sorry" when we ever cry. One need not ever express regret, but somehow we do feel apologetic.

This family is such a strong example of why hospice workers do what we do. It is so rewarding. This family kept thanking us while crying, but it is us who need to say thank you to them. Barb and Annie’s words were telling us we made a difference to them today. It doesn’t get much better than that.


"I AM SORRY"

Four days ago he was walking.
They thought he had some time.
Now he is bedridden, unresponsive.
Likely hours to days is all.

We walked into their home to support them.
She immediately cried and fell into my arms,
saying, "I am sorry" at least three times.
I held her tight, knowing she needed the embrace.

I praised her for showing her emotions.
It's good not keeping things inside.
It releases your pain, your strong grief.
It's not easy having someone you love die.

They asked about having a priest come out
to bless her father before he dies.
I made a phone call to our chaplain.
A priest was coming in one hour's time.

She was so appreciative. she hugged me
while strongly crying one more time.
Saying again, "I am sorry", but so thankful.
"You were meant to be here today".

She didn't have to apologize to us at all.
We are the blessed ones to be able to come.
It is humbling and an honor to do our work.
We thanked them for all they gave to us.
The gifts do run
               both ways. 

HOW CAN YOU?

I have worked in hospice for over fifteen years. The rewards are so amazing as each day we get told that we made a difference today. Often we get asked, “How can you do this work?” I believe that most ask as they remember their grief when a loved one of theirs died. When someone you love is on hospice, your emotions are so strong while you feel such pain. It is hard to function as oftentimes one can feel overwhelmed. I have had family and a few friends on hospice and my first reaction is always, “What can I do?” I didn’t know what the first step was, even though I work in this field. Emotions are so powerful.

It does take a lot of heart to do this work, but the rewards are so amazing. The look of relief on faces or those special thank you words make it all worthwhile. We all can see and feel what is coming in, but do not see what we give out. In hospice, we get told frequently how much we helped just by being there and listening to their words.

We had “Tom” scheduled to open to hospice today. Tom’s wife, “Valerie”, called hospice early this morning to say that Tom had died last night. I gave Valerie a call to offer condolences and support. I listened to her story about Tom and their family. There are several young grandchildren who are also grieving their grandpa. I educated her on children’s grief and shared some ways to give them support.

At the end of our conversation was when I knew I made a difference to her by what she said. Our phone conversation is a perfect example of why I can do hospice. It is my life’s mission as I often think, “How can I not continue to do this work?” I am so honored and blessed.


HOW CAN YOU?

We get asked frequently,
"How can you do what you do?
Don't you get depressed?
It must be so hard on you."

We meet the most amazing people
who welcome us into their homes
to share such intimate moments
while gratefully thanking us.

The rewards are a thousand-fold,
hearing you made a difference today.
“Thank you for listening to us.
Thank you for your care.”

We were scheduled to open him to hospice today.
I called her knowing he died last night.
She spoke about her experience; her grief.
“As sad as it is, we were gifted at the opportunity
to share our feelings with him.”

I validated her emotions; I normalized her grief.
It was humbling as I know I made a difference when she said,
“You are an amazing person.
Your words are magical.”

The rewards are a thousand-fold,
knowing they too made a difference today.
As we can also say to them,
“Thank you for listening to us.
Thank you for your care.” 

TWO SOULS

I first met "Marian", 95, three weeks ago. I did a visit for another Social Worker to help out. The moment Marian answered the door, there was a sudden connection between us. We were instantly talking before we even sat down in her living room. She is such a sweetheart. She has such a positive attitude about life and laughs so easily.

Marian shared many life stories about her life and family. During it all, she would always have a broad smile showing. I so understood how she thought about life experiences as I process thoughts the same way. The two of us shared that connection. It is always such a gift to meet someone so much like you.

I did a second visit this afternoon. The sudden bonding was still there and wonderful. I hope I will be able to see her again in order to spend time with such a special lady. I have to look at life as, "If it is meant to be, it will be." But, on the other hand, I would love to hear more of her life stories. She is a wonderful story teller. Gifts from above.


TWO SOULS

We know instantly when we meet them.
Easily understanding spoken thoughts.
A spiritual link bringing us together.
A sudden connection between two souls.

She's twenty-five years my senior.
She speaks about life experiences;
Pearl Harbor; the depression;
events way before my time.

But age does not matter at all.
It is not the events or the times.
It is the processing of those experiences
that we both clearly understand.

She's had some hard times during her life,
but she will share life stories with a broad smile.
She'll laugh so easily when talking about her sons;
the good, the bad, the funny, the memories.

I sure wish we met earlier in our lives.
I wish she lived next door.
But life brings us those things when we need them.
I will always cherish and always remember
          the connection of
                       our two souls. 

DEMENTIA

Dementia is such an unpleasant disease. I can only imagine the emotions that sprout forth when told of the diagnosis; when you understand what will be happening to your brain. “John”, ninety-three, was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s eight years ago. He has been in a recent decline and it was then, that his doctor made a hospice referral.

We met John and his daughter in a visiting room at the facility where John has lived for four years. John did not understand who we were or why we were there. The first thing I noticed was how happy he appeared. His daughter, “Amanda”, was so attentive to her father. John would ask Amanda about the athletic pants she was wearing and then would laugh. She would respond, “Do you want a pair?” Both of them would laugh so hard. It was wonderful to see.

This family was a joy to be with as John and Amanda had us all laughing throughout the visit. It was a blessing that John did not understand what was happening. That is the one gift that Alzheimer’s can give folks; no memory of how much they have lost. I know John will continue to laugh, and keep others laughing, as long as he can. God bless you John.


DEMENTIA

He's lost a lot of his memory,
but his wide smile still remains.
No matter what topic of conversation,
his laugh will permeate the room.

Dementia slowly robs one's memory.
Day by day, bit by bit.
One's reality may become distorted;
their truth known only to them.

You could tell he had a great sense of humor.
He was witty in his own way.
His laugh was so contagious;
with humorous sarcasm shining through.

I asked his daughter about his faith.
Would he like a chaplain to stop in?
She said he was a lifelong Mormon.
For ninety years he lived his faith.

Recently though, things have changed.
His faith has taken a dramatic turn;
as three years ago he adamantly proclaimed,
          “Enough of that!”

He made us all laugh,
like he's been doing all of his life.
Dementia may have robbed him blind,
but it kindly left him one wondrous gift;
          his humor.