I WANT

I have been healthy for most of my life; although have had some medical challenges now and then; like us all.  I knew that my recovery would be slow as was instructed by my physician.  But still, what does “slow” truly mean.  I have been tremendously blessed my entire life by unconditional love and support. 

The best part about being a social worker was the amazing people that I met along with the amazing experiences.  Working in hospice, one heard appreciation and thanks on a daily basis.  We would often get asked, “How can you do hospice?”.  The best part is that we got it back a thousand-fold.

 I met Heidi ten months ago when she came to our hospice to do her MSW internship.  I was her field instructor for five months.  We immediately connected as we talked the same talk and both had the same sarcastic sense of humor.  She is a natural social worker as so actively listens to others and cares so deeply.  

What is amazing is that she lives just around the corner from me.  She is not doing an internship this semester and so we are able to take a 30-minute walk every morning.  She will return to our hospice in 3 months.  Then, we plan on taking late afternoon walks if able. 

 I feel so blessed to have her in my life.  Knowing that I can just talk with her, keeps me going.  Thank you, Heidi, for walking alongside me.  You are my angel!

I WANT
 
 
To prevent my blood pressure from dropping,
my doctor said, “You will be fine, just go slow.”
But then, patience for me, is a hard lesson to learn,
yet I am gradually getting better, with some weakness at times.
 
I want to be able to give back to others again.
I want to share; I want more experience; I want to grow.
I want my normal again and I want it now,
but some days, weakness is my gentle guide.
 
I have counseled patients and families for many years
resulting in great knowledge and experience,
but then, I have moments of not allowing me to be me
and recognizing internally that it is called, “Normal”.
 
I hesitate to share my truth with many
as it is much easier to give; than to receive.
I am so thankful for my tremendous support
with one dear friend who so strongly stands out.
 
We have known each other for only ten months,
but strongly connected when saying, “Hello”.
I am twice her age, but we are so much alike.
We both think and talk the same language.
 
I can speak my truth; my emotions and my fears.
She so accurately hears what I am trying to express.
She will also speak her truth back to me
using words that I so easily knew she heard me.
 
Is there a perfect world or a perfect life?
I just know I would love to have my normal again;
but then, I know that my life now is still perfect for me.
The truest phrase that you will always hear from me is a grateful
                         “Thank you”.

 

 

FRIENDS

I have been blessed as have always been surrounded by a loving family and wonderful friends.   I was a tomboy as a kid and surrounded myself with friends who loved sports.  I knew there were a few friends with whom I was more relaxed and comfortable with, but I enjoyed playing sports with them all.

As I have aged, I want to be with folks who are relaxing and easy to be with.   I have always felt so blessed to have such tremendous support.  Now that I am retired, I am beautifully able to spend more time with those in my life.  In the end, there is nothing better than having supportive family members around along with caring friends.  It makes it natural to receive and easily give all to each other.   Life then easily flows with not much work at all.

FRIENDS

 

As a youth, one usually had many “friends”;
but did we even know what that meant?
I was typically surrounded by others
doing sports, riding bikes, playing games.
 
As I have aged, my definition of a friend has become clearer.
I want to be surrounded by those who love me unconditionally
and who actively listens to me because they deeply care.
I will then easily and happily be able to offer the same to them.
 
I have always cherished and appreciated being surrounded
by my beautiful family and my amazing friends.
Being retired, I now have more time to spend with them
which I naturally see as a treasured gift for us all.
 
I am now able to meet up with girlfriends for lunch;
while now and then at dinner time too.
There is laughter; there is joy;
                         and always unconditional love.
 
 It also can be fun being with acquaintances
or folks with common and familiar interests;
but, in the end, there is simply nothing better than family and
                                                 a loving and supportive
                                                                                    girlfriend.
                                                 
 

GOODBYE

The moment I discovered hospice, I knew it was my calling.  I have been so fortunate to have worked for hospice for 23 years.  Naturally, there were sad moments, but by far, so much about hospice is about love, coping and support.  I have met so many amazing and wonderful patients and families.  

My illness came on so suddenly and strong.  One day I was fine and the next day, not at all.  My blood pressure drops with any major exertion.  I am learning to live my life a bit slower but am finding that many of my activities are slowly returning to my normal.    Throughout all of this, my biggest lesson that I have learned is the importance of family and friends.   With that tremendous support, one can conquer any roadblock that falls in their path.  I am blessed to be able to continue to live my life with wonderful support.  So, whether it is “Goodbye” or “Hello”, I will always continue to say, “Thank You”.

GOODBYE

 
 
I was so happy working with hospice
as each day I knew that I was meant to be there.
But then, one day, everything rapidly changed
as my true calling was no longer to be.
 
Grief hit me hard as my world came crashing in.
“Does this mean my life is now over?
Will another spiritual calling come around?
                         What is my true purpose now?”
 
It was hard, but I said goodbye to my colleagues,
my co-workers and so many friends.
“We’ll keep in touch; we’ll talk soon”;
knowing that for many this is truly goodbye.
 
It’s taking a while as recovery is slow,
but I am becoming stronger as each day flows.
I truly believe it won’t be much longer
as I totally will be me once again.
 
My journey has changed; I am discovering a new life.
Sadness inevitably accompanies when saying “Goodbye”,
but it also allows one to have the time
to recognize the awareness and benefits of
                         saying “Hello”.
 
 

NEW JOURNEY

I, without any awareness, thought I would be able to continue to do hospice Social Work for many more years.  Suddenly, this new diagnosis came along and changed those plans.  I have been processing all of this, but it is so different on the other side of the fence.  What I so strongly am aware of is my wonderful support from family and friends.  In the end, I am so deeply aware of the importance of that support.  Whatever comes along the way, I will be able to handle it, hopefully, with my wonderful and amazing support.  Thank you to each and every one of you.

NEW JOURNEY

 

I have been so remarkably blessed this life;
following my dream; fulfilling my passion
as a medical social worker
                         for over thirty-six years.
 
Two months ago, my life suddenly changed.
A diagnosis with no treatment and no cure.
With any exertion, my blood pressure will drop
leaving me short of breath and lightheaded.
 
My future looks great, according to my doctor,
as she positively stated to me,
“You can have a long and healthy life.
                         Just go slow!!”
 
I still grieve my loss of hospice,
but am so strongly aware of the importance
of my very supportive family and friends.
They all understand me and listen beautifully.
 
I am back to walking my two miles daily;
some days I may walk it even twice.
I am meeting friends for lunch weekly;
appreciating their support and unconditional love.
 
Phone calls give such a strong connection;
while texting tells me that so many care.
I am a Clinical Supervisor for two Social Workers,
so, amazingly, my fingers are still in the pot.
 
Yes, my life experiences have suddenly changed,
but I continue to receive and return unconditional love.
I am still surrounded by the best that there is
so, I say, “Welcome and continue to guide me as I go;
I am forever thankful and so gracious to embrace
                         this new journey.”

 

SELF CARE

I met Heidi only nine months ago, but we immediately hit it off.  She is much younger, but we think and act so much alike.  She came to our hospice for her Social Work internship hours.  I was her field instructor.  Coincidently, she lives just around the corner from me.  She is studying for her Masters in Social Work at the University of Kentucky.  They moved to California late last year.  Fortunately, the university allowed her to complete her degree on-line. 

Heidi has a great heart and continually gives me much needed support.  But, I know, for many of us, do struggle with self-care needs.   During our walk today, I wanted her to know that it is okay if she has moments when she cannot do the walk.  Her reply impacted me in such a beautiful way as it so deeply describes how both of us are giving to each other.  While one is receiving, one is also giving.  Thank you, Heidi.

SELF CARE
 
 
I have counseled many about
the benefits and importance of self-care.
When reaching out for needed support,
you are offering another a beautiful gift.
 
I have needed much help these past weeks;
while fortunately, I am slowly getting stronger.
Along the way, I have heard words that I needed to hear,
                         from my fellow social workers.
 
“Take care of yourself; ask for help as needed.
By reaching out, you are giving a gift to another.”
I know these words; I have routinely expressed them,
but being on the other side of the fence, it is not easy.
 
While slowly getting stronger, I am able again,
to daily walk my two miles in thirty minutes.
My neighbor, Heidi, and I walk together.
She is working on her Social Work degree;
so, I will text her about a time that works best for her.
 
She had to cut the time short today
as has two essays that need completion.
‘It is okay to say no to a walk at any time.
I totally understand about schoolwork demands”.
 
I then heard, from her heart, a beautiful reply;
“I need these walks as much for myself as for you.
These thirty minutes are very profound
as it allows both of us to offer help while receiving
                         the beautiful gift of self-care."
 
 
 

HI CHRIS

Chris, sixty-nine years old, came onto hospice six weeks ago.   The moment the hospice nurse and I walked into their home, one could feel the love and comfort embracing their home.  Chris spoke so lovingly about his wife and daughter.  Kindness and care just flowed around Chris.  He became serious when talking with the nurse about his illness, but with a very dry sense of humor, he would immediately switch and catch us all off guard.  He was so funny.  

I so strongly feel that Chris and I were meant to meet.  There were many coincidences in our two lives.  Chris’s mother’s name is Mary Lou, as is mine.  Chris and his family lived in San Jose for many years; as did I.  His daughter Hannah was born at 28 weeks; as was I.   I was amazed by those facts. 

Chris was on hospice about five weeks before he peacefully died.  His memorial was today.  I had to be there as much for myself and for Chris and his family.  I, along with everyone who was present today, all felt so gifted in having him in their lives.  I feel gifted just meeting him once.  He was a very special soul.  I feel so gracious knowing his legacy is forever here.

HI CHRIS

 

I just want to say, “Hi Chris”.

We met only once about six weeks ago,

when the hospice nurse and I admitted you;

and you are someone I will never forget.

 

The moment we walked into your home,

I so strongly felt your appreciation for life, your strong faith,

but especially your love for your wife, Betsy

and your sixteen-year-old daughter, Hannah.

 

You totally accepted your terminal diagnosis

while embracing us for just being there.

But, in addition, one of your best attributes was

                         your dry sense of humor.

 

I attended your celebration of life today.

So many sharing stories about your caring heart.

You always made everyone feel so significant,

but it was you who was the most special of us all.

 

I spoke with Betsy and Hannah today

sharing my own personal need to be there.

“I am as much here today for me and for Chris.

He is someone I will always remember”. 

 

Betsy then shared with me,

“Not long before Chris died, he said,

“I want to see Marilou”; while then tenderly adding;

                         “And you are here today”.

 

It was totally to celebrate you today, Chris

as no one was even close to saying goodbye.

Your legacy is forever around all of us;

and yes, one day soon, I will again, lovingly say,

                         “Hi Chris.”

 

 

 

              

GO SLOW

I was diagnosed with Orthostatic Hypotension three weeks ago.  I had been struggling with shortness of breath and lightheadedness for several weeks prior.  Once I received the diagnosis, my doctor gave me instructions regarding the benefit of moving slowly which can prevent those symptoms.

I am, bit by bit, getting stronger, but it is happening very slowly.  I did not know what my future would be or if I could live my life my way again.  Yes, this has definitely changed how I am doing activities, but talking with my doctor today, she most definitely gave me hope.  My emotions are in a much better place.  I have reached out to my support network and updated them, which also gives me peace.  Thank you to my doctor, my family and friends; as I am never alone.

GO SLOW

I have been slowly getting stronger

since being diagnosed one month ago;

resulting in low blood pressure symptoms

from any hardy exertion.

Listening to my doctor and reading research,

the key word to it all is “slow down!”

Slow isn’t a natural movement for me,

so, I continue to say inside, “Go slow”.

I’ve been on blood pressure medication for years,

but due to this condition, I no longer need them.

I take my blood pressure each morning

with the results always being normal.

I have been grieving my future

as truly did not know what it would be;

but talking with my doctor today,

she so actively gave me hope.

“You are a very healthy person

and I see you slowly improving

to live a long and active life.

Just always remember to;

                         Go slow”.