DOWN TIMES

I was diagnosed with Orthostatic Hypotension about three months ago.  With any exertion, my blood pressure will drop.  My doctor told me that I will live “A long and productive, just go slow”.  I am following her guidance and was slowly getting stronger and becoming able to handle many of my life’s joys.  It was difficult to suddenly retire from my hospice Social Work position, but I was able to look at the positives that came along with that.  I have wonderful support as well as was starting to do the fun things in life, 

Ten days ago, I suddenly started to decline again.  My doctor ran tests that were all normal.  It brings up questions to me as to “Why?”   Fortunately, I am now again slowly regaining my strength, but what can I do to prevent this from happening again.  I will do what I need to do as my life, like everyone’s, is so precious.  I hate the down times as much as I love the up times.  My only request is, “Give me strength”.   Writing poetry helps me process my emotions, which is so helpful.  

DOWN TIMES

 

From day one with this diagnosis,
the journey has been rewarding and tough.
I have always been a positive soul,
and do easily embrace my wonderful support.
 
The progress is slow and I try so hard to see my gains;
although I am also impacted by the down times.
I was doing so well, but ten days ago, things changed.
I was again becoming weaker and losing my strength.
 
Blood tests all came back normal with no alerts.
My doctor scheduled another test in two weeks,
wanting to know why my mornings have been hard.
I so want to know, “What caused this sudden decline”?
 
I am again slowly getting stronger.
Each day is a bit better than the last;
but will this happen again; and if so;
                         “Why?”
 
I’m looking for logical answers.
Ways to allow me to have control.
I want my normal life back again.
Patience is such a hard lesson to learn.
 
Down times cause some sadness,
which, I know, is a normal way to grieve.
“But please give me back my life again.
It is much easier to give, than to receive”.
 
“Let me get through each day slowly
while accepting the reality of it all.
Give me strength to handle what comes
while embracing the good times,
                         along with the down.”

 

MY BLOG

What I love most about my Social Work role was hearing people’s stories.  I also was always amazed at how well patients and families do cope.  The Social Work role is not tangible like other medical personnel.   One of our best skills to offer was active listening, normalizing and validating another’s experience.  As a medical social worker, I never looked at was wrong but assessed another’s way of solving their own challenges. 

Self-care is such an important task for all of us.   When a patient/family touched my heart deeply, I would write a poem to help me process that experience.   When writing a poem, I  sit at my computer and go within.  Words do come and I then do start typing.  I am very spiritual and many of those words came from above.  I have times when I am just the typist.   I always change the patient and family names along with other details secondary to confidentiality. 

I am so honored to have all of you reading my blog.  For years I was writing other’s stories; but for now, I am writing my story.  Gosh, I didn’t know I had one.  Haha.  In the end, I so want to say “Thank You” from the deepest part of my heart.

MY BLOG

  

I wrote my first poem at age fourteen
as it was a Freshman English class assignment.
I then asked my dad, “How do you write a poem?”
He answered, “Rhyme the second and fourth line”.
 
For many years that is what I did.
I called it my “Hallmark” years
as I then wrote humorous poetry inside of cards;
                         birthdays, anniversaries and more.
 
I worked as a social worker in the emergency room.
I experienced amazing times with folks.
I needed to share; I needed to document.
Narrative format did not work for me.
                         It was then I turned to my poetry. 
 
Twenty-seven years ago, I started my blog.
Four years later, I moved from the ER to hospice.
I strongly knew that others needed to hear these stories;
as much as sharing them helped me process as well.
 
11,000 people read my blog last month.
This month is only a third over and has as many.
I want to thank all of you for checking it out.
“Who are you? What makes you return?”
 
Hospice is my calling and never was work.
Retiring so suddenly was so very hard.
I miss meeting folks and hearing their stories.
But for now, I am embracing my new life.
 
I’ll continue to write; to post to my blog.
Somehow, it is the natural thing for me.
I am now flowing where my journey takes me.
I love that you are along for the ride
as I will continue to always say from my heart,
                         “Thank You”.
 
 
 

 

I WANT

I have been healthy for most of my life; although have had some medical challenges now and then; like us all.  I knew that my recovery would be slow as was instructed by my physician.  But still, what does “slow” truly mean.  I have been tremendously blessed my entire life by unconditional love and support. 

The best part about being a social worker was the amazing people that I met along with the amazing experiences.  Working in hospice, one heard appreciation and thanks on a daily basis.  We would often get asked, “How can you do hospice?”.  The best part is that we got it back a thousand-fold.

 I met Heidi ten months ago when she came to our hospice to do her MSW internship.  I was her field instructor for five months.  We immediately connected as we talked the same talk and both had the same sarcastic sense of humor.  She is a natural social worker as so actively listens to others and cares so deeply.  

What is amazing is that she lives just around the corner from me.  She is not doing an internship this semester and so we are able to take a 30-minute walk every morning.  She will return to our hospice in 3 months.  Then, we plan on taking late afternoon walks if able. 

 I feel so blessed to have her in my life.  Knowing that I can just talk with her, keeps me going.  Thank you, Heidi, for walking alongside me.  You are my angel!

I WANT
 
 
To prevent my blood pressure from dropping,
my doctor said, “You will be fine, just go slow.”
But then, patience for me, is a hard lesson to learn,
yet I am gradually getting better, with some weakness at times.
 
I want to be able to give back to others again.
I want to share; I want more experience; I want to grow.
I want my normal again and I want it now,
but some days, weakness is my gentle guide.
 
I have counseled patients and families for many years
resulting in great knowledge and experience,
but then, I have moments of not allowing me to be me
and recognizing internally that it is called, “Normal”.
 
I hesitate to share my truth with many
as it is much easier to give; than to receive.
I am so thankful for my tremendous support
with one dear friend who so strongly stands out.
 
We have known each other for only ten months,
but strongly connected when saying, “Hello”.
I am twice her age, but we are so much alike.
We both think and talk the same language.
 
I can speak my truth; my emotions and my fears.
She so accurately hears what I am trying to express.
She will also speak her truth back to me
using words that I so easily knew she heard me.
 
Is there a perfect world or a perfect life?
I just know I would love to have my normal again;
but then, I know that my life now is still perfect for me.
The truest phrase that you will always hear from me is a grateful
                         “Thank you”.

 

 

FRIENDS

I have been blessed as have always been surrounded by a loving family and wonderful friends.   I was a tomboy as a kid and surrounded myself with friends who loved sports.  I knew there were a few friends with whom I was more relaxed and comfortable with, but I enjoyed playing sports with them all.

As I have aged, I want to be with folks who are relaxing and easy to be with.   I have always felt so blessed to have such tremendous support.  Now that I am retired, I am beautifully able to spend more time with those in my life.  In the end, there is nothing better than having supportive family members around along with caring friends.  It makes it natural to receive and easily give all to each other.   Life then easily flows with not much work at all.

FRIENDS

 

As a youth, one usually had many “friends”;
but did we even know what that meant?
I was typically surrounded by others
doing sports, riding bikes, playing games.
 
As I have aged, my definition of a friend has become clearer.
I want to be surrounded by those who love me unconditionally
and who actively listens to me because they deeply care.
I will then easily and happily be able to offer the same to them.
 
I have always cherished and appreciated being surrounded
by my beautiful family and my amazing friends.
Being retired, I now have more time to spend with them
which I naturally see as a treasured gift for us all.
 
I am now able to meet up with girlfriends for lunch;
while now and then at dinner time too.
There is laughter; there is joy;
                         and always unconditional love.
 
 It also can be fun being with acquaintances
or folks with common and familiar interests;
but, in the end, there is simply nothing better than family and
                                                 a loving and supportive
                                                                                    girlfriend.
                                                 
 

GOODBYE

The moment I discovered hospice, I knew it was my calling.  I have been so fortunate to have worked for hospice for 23 years.  Naturally, there were sad moments, but by far, so much about hospice is about love, coping and support.  I have met so many amazing and wonderful patients and families.  

My illness came on so suddenly and strong.  One day I was fine and the next day, not at all.  My blood pressure drops with any major exertion.  I am learning to live my life a bit slower but am finding that many of my activities are slowly returning to my normal.    Throughout all of this, my biggest lesson that I have learned is the importance of family and friends.   With that tremendous support, one can conquer any roadblock that falls in their path.  I am blessed to be able to continue to live my life with wonderful support.  So, whether it is “Goodbye” or “Hello”, I will always continue to say, “Thank You”.

GOODBYE

 
 
I was so happy working with hospice
as each day I knew that I was meant to be there.
But then, one day, everything rapidly changed
as my true calling was no longer to be.
 
Grief hit me hard as my world came crashing in.
“Does this mean my life is now over?
Will another spiritual calling come around?
                         What is my true purpose now?”
 
It was hard, but I said goodbye to my colleagues,
my co-workers and so many friends.
“We’ll keep in touch; we’ll talk soon”;
knowing that for many this is truly goodbye.
 
It’s taking a while as recovery is slow,
but I am becoming stronger as each day flows.
I truly believe it won’t be much longer
as I totally will be me once again.
 
My journey has changed; I am discovering a new life.
Sadness inevitably accompanies when saying “Goodbye”,
but it also allows one to have the time
to recognize the awareness and benefits of
                         saying “Hello”.
 
 

NEW JOURNEY

I, without any awareness, thought I would be able to continue to do hospice Social Work for many more years.  Suddenly, this new diagnosis came along and changed those plans.  I have been processing all of this, but it is so different on the other side of the fence.  What I so strongly am aware of is my wonderful support from family and friends.  In the end, I am so deeply aware of the importance of that support.  Whatever comes along the way, I will be able to handle it, hopefully, with my wonderful and amazing support.  Thank you to each and every one of you.

NEW JOURNEY

 

I have been so remarkably blessed this life;
following my dream; fulfilling my passion
as a medical social worker
                         for over thirty-six years.
 
Two months ago, my life suddenly changed.
A diagnosis with no treatment and no cure.
With any exertion, my blood pressure will drop
leaving me short of breath and lightheaded.
 
My future looks great, according to my doctor,
as she positively stated to me,
“You can have a long and healthy life.
                         Just go slow!!”
 
I still grieve my loss of hospice,
but am so strongly aware of the importance
of my very supportive family and friends.
They all understand me and listen beautifully.
 
I am back to walking my two miles daily;
some days I may walk it even twice.
I am meeting friends for lunch weekly;
appreciating their support and unconditional love.
 
Phone calls give such a strong connection;
while texting tells me that so many care.
I am a Clinical Supervisor for two Social Workers,
so, amazingly, my fingers are still in the pot.
 
Yes, my life experiences have suddenly changed,
but I continue to receive and return unconditional love.
I am still surrounded by the best that there is
so, I say, “Welcome and continue to guide me as I go;
I am forever thankful and so gracious to embrace
                         this new journey.”

 

SELF CARE

I met Heidi only nine months ago, but we immediately hit it off.  She is much younger, but we think and act so much alike.  She came to our hospice for her Social Work internship hours.  I was her field instructor.  Coincidently, she lives just around the corner from me.  She is studying for her Masters in Social Work at the University of Kentucky.  They moved to California late last year.  Fortunately, the university allowed her to complete her degree on-line. 

Heidi has a great heart and continually gives me much needed support.  But, I know, for many of us, do struggle with self-care needs.   During our walk today, I wanted her to know that it is okay if she has moments when she cannot do the walk.  Her reply impacted me in such a beautiful way as it so deeply describes how both of us are giving to each other.  While one is receiving, one is also giving.  Thank you, Heidi.

SELF CARE
 
 
I have counseled many about
the benefits and importance of self-care.
When reaching out for needed support,
you are offering another a beautiful gift.
 
I have needed much help these past weeks;
while fortunately, I am slowly getting stronger.
Along the way, I have heard words that I needed to hear,
                         from my fellow social workers.
 
“Take care of yourself; ask for help as needed.
By reaching out, you are giving a gift to another.”
I know these words; I have routinely expressed them,
but being on the other side of the fence, it is not easy.
 
While slowly getting stronger, I am able again,
to daily walk my two miles in thirty minutes.
My neighbor, Heidi, and I walk together.
She is working on her Social Work degree;
so, I will text her about a time that works best for her.
 
She had to cut the time short today
as has two essays that need completion.
‘It is okay to say no to a walk at any time.
I totally understand about schoolwork demands”.
 
I then heard, from her heart, a beautiful reply;
“I need these walks as much for myself as for you.
These thirty minutes are very profound
as it allows both of us to offer help while receiving
                         the beautiful gift of self-care."