BUT THEN

The hospice nurse and I went out to admit, “Terri”, fifty-eight years old.  Terri was diagnosed just five months ago with Brain Cancer.  Terri lives with “Luke”, her husband, on their twenty-seven-acre ranch.  They live on a long dirt road surrounded by so many trees.  It is so relaxing and beautiful. 

Terri and Luke are both very spiritual.  They look at life in a calm, realistic manner.  Terri has accepted her status and poor prognosis.  It is her strong belief about afterlife that gives her comfort.  She will talk so beautifully about her beliefs, but now and then, will have normal questions about her terminal journey and afterlife.  

Terri has recently been receiving chemotherapy on a routine basis.  She takes it five days in a row and then will abstain for twenty-two days.  Then it all begins again.  Terri says that the side effects have been “horrific”.  She softly added, “The side effects are worse than the illness.”  She has chosen to stop her chemotherapy as wants comfort not discomfort. 

Terri has had to go on disability from her job because of her illness.  She was a case manager for mentally ill adults.  She jokingly said her job title was, “Domestic Goddess”.  She and her husband have worked hard their entire life.  She has earned her beautiful home, along with having a wonderful family.  Terri shared, “We have all of this that I won’t be able to enjoy any of it for long”.  

She, like most of us, is struggling with the reality of her fate.  We all are logical beings and look for logical answers of which there are none.  I know she will find a way to do it Terri’s way; the best way to go for her. 

BUT THEN

 

She lived her first fifty-eight years

completely healthy and strong.

She kept herself in good shape;

walking, biking, along with some yoga.

 

Then, surprisingly, just five months ago,

everything dramatically changed

as she was diagnosed with brain cancer,

which drastically altered her life.

 

She is so realistic about it all though.

She’ll talk calmly about her weight loss;

the side effects of chemotherapy;

losing all of her blonde hair.

 

But then; she’ll point to the photos around;

their seven children and seventeen grandchildren.

She’ll look out the side kitchen window

where their five horses are grazing on their land.

 

She has strong spiritual beliefs, which comforts her.

She knows she is going to a better place soon.

But then, “What is this all about?

               Why is it happening to me?”

 

The cancer is slowly winning the fight.

She has no appetite and has lost a lot of weight.

She is now having seizures on a daily basis

while becoming weaker and needing more sleep.

 

She has common doubts that arise at times.

She has many questions with no answers to be found.

But then, all deeply know she will embrace her journey fully;

as she will peacefully, as always, do it totally her way.