WHEN?

"Margaret", ninety-three, has been residing in a Board and Care home for three years. She had been fairly active and was able to manage many of her needs. She walked with a walker, had a great appetite and enjoyed her days. She has a very large room with an even larger window facing out to the front garden. Margaret has a hummingbird feeder right outside her window. One of her greatest pleasures was watching the birds feed. In addition, Margaret spent a lot of her day working jigsaw puzzles. Several of her favorite puzzles were displayed on the walls of her bedroom.

Two months ago, Margaret suffered a stroke which left her right side paralyzed. She no longer can walk and needs the staff to maneuver her around in her wheelchair. Margaret's eyesight is failing along with her hearing. One has to speak loudly in order for her to hear what you are saying.

Margaret is widowed and has three children. Her daughter, "Annie", lives nearby and visits every other day. Her two other children live out of the area with infrequent visits due to geographic distance. Margaret doesn't like to be alone as feels so helpless when no one is around. Annie has arranged for visitors to come on the days she cannot be there.

Margaret has a long history of anxiety. Margaret's anxiety was triggered by the hospice nurse and my visit. She thought hospice would prolong her life. Margaret is forgetful and. with the limited hearing, struggled at times to keep up with the conversation. Margaret kept asking the nurse and I how long does she have. She wanted an exact date.

Margaret has no religious belief and feels once someone dies, there is no afterlife. She has no fears about dying at all. She just feels miserable with all of her limitations. She kept asking why she was still here, how long does she have or will hospice be prolonging her life?

Seeing Margaret struggle so, makes me also question why does she, or anyone, have to suffer. I believe we are all here until it is our time to go. I would like to think Margaret has one final lesson for us. Or, on the other hand, one more lesson to learn. I hope with hospice's support, she will find comfort and peace.


WHEN?

"When will this be over?
Why do I have to live this way?"
So many difficult questions
with no satisfactory answers.

Her eyesight is failing.
She struggles to hear what is being said.
No longer able to do those things
which gave her life such pleasure.

She misses doing jigsaw puzzles;
watching the hummingbirds outside;
her favorite shows; enjoying a meal.
No quality of life left for her.

She has no fears about dying.
She is ready for it to come.
She believes once it is over, it is over.
There is nothing more.

With rising anxiety and frustration,
she pleaded with us to help her.
"I want to be invisible; I am done.
How much longer do I have?
          When?"