“Pete, sixty-seven years old, suffers from Non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma. Pete was diagnosed four years ago. Three months ago, he started to become weaker and having increased pain. Pete’s biggest complaint is his itching. Tumors just randomly pop up under his skin causing him pain and itching.
Pete lives with his wife of fourteen years, “Laurie”. Laurie is the caregiver of the family. She is the one that family members call when needing support. Laurie is so focused on Pete’s needs, she is getting overwhelmed. She is fearful of making a mistake regarding his medications and care.
Laurie had wanted Pete to come onto hospice several weeks ago so she could have the twenty-four hour support. Pete agreed to meet with us, although was not ready to stop any treatment. He was still hoping for a cure. Hospice is not a curative program, but patients always have the right to choose whatever treatment option that fits them best.
Pete still wants blood transfusions and IVs to prevent dehydration. In addition, there is a new chemotherapy treatment that he wants to pursue. We encouraged Pete to make decisions based on his needs. Education is powerful and we were glad that we were able to inform Pete and Laurie about our program.
During the visit, Laurie started to share all of the losses she has suffered. Pete’s brother, her sister, her best friend, her son, two aunts and her dog have all died within the past three years. Many of the deaths were just weeks apart not giving Laurie or Pete time to grieve. Laurie says she is “stuffing” her feelings down as, for now, she needs to focus on Pete’s needs.
Laurie says her friends want to comfort her and that is what makes her cry the most. Her friends want to hug her and she always says, “Don’t hug me.” She added that she cannot let her tears show as she is afraid she will totally lose control. Laurie likely will grieve the loss of so many, once Pete has died. It will be then that she will need the support of those she won’t allow in now.
As the nurse and I were leaving the home, I teased Laurie and we gave each other an “air hug”. She laughed as knows that in time, the true and genuine hugs her friends will give her, will be the best medicine of all.
“DON’T HUG ME”
She doesn’t want to be hugged.
She doesn’t want to break down.
She’s been holding so much in.
It is much too scary to let it out now.
She has suffered from so many losses.
More than most could ever imagine.
Her son. her sister, her best friend and more;
all within these past three years.
Her close friends want to hug her.
They want to give her support,
but she keeps them arm’s length away.
She’s afraid she’ll break down and cry.
She can’t cry now.
She has way too much to do.
She needs focus; she needs control.
But most of all, she needs to help him.
When all is over and done,
she says she’ll let her support in.
But for now in order to cope,
all she can say is,
“Don’t hug me.”
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