HOVER

“Bonnie”, sixty-four, was diagnosed two years ago with leukemia. Bonnie lives with her husband, “Brad” and her two adult sons. She took a fall eleven days ago and was hospitalized for internal bleeding. She had numerous blood transfusions and platelets to no avail. The doctors told the family that there is nothing more to be done.

The hospice nurse and I went out to meet with Bonnie and her family shortly after she arrived home from the hospital. Bonnie is very weak which made communication difficult. It appears she likely has just days to live. Bonnie was sleeping nearby while the nurse and I sat at the kitchen table with Brad to talk about hospice support.

Bonnie’s two sons were standing by their mother asking her if she needed this or needed that. They were trying hard to help her, but not really knowing what to do. With any laugh or loud talk from his sons, Brad would jump up and rush over to Bonnie’s side. The whole family was so anxious and could not stop hovering over Bonnie.

Quite often men will grieve by doing tasks. Men are good at fixing things and that is what they want to do. They want to make Bonnie better. Many of us feel like we are accomplishing things by doing tasks, but just being there is huge for folks. If the boys and Brad just sat quietly next to Bonnie, they wouldn’t feel like they were doing anything, but Bonnie would know that, in a heartbeat, they would do anything to help her.

I heard a quote that I now have hanging in my workstation saying, “Don’t just do something, sit there.” Doing something often makes us feel better, but sitting there, is wonderful support for the patient.

Bonnie was the anchor in the family and will be sorely missed. I hope that Brad and his sons avail themselves to hospice’s bereavement support. I think it will help them through these tough times that lie ahead.

HOVER
　

All three are hovering around.
They don’t want to leave her side.
They’re helpless to what she needs,
but feel the urge to just do something.

The doctors said there is no treatment.
Her disease has run its course.
They were anxious to get her home.
Now they don’t quite know what to do.

Inside they want to fix things.
They want to make her well.
She was the strong one; the anchor
who held them all together.

“Are you cold; a blanket?
Are you thirsty; a small sip?
Let’s move the bed over here
so you can see the TV easier”.

They are doing tasks
for a need to do just something.
Their hearts are in the right place,
but all she needs is for them to just be.

It is obvious how much she is loved by them.
I know she feels it too.
So they will continue to hover nearby,
as that is all that they know how to do.