“John”, seventy-one, was on hospice for only one day. John suffered from esophageal cancer. John lived with “Denise”, his wife of forty-eight years. They have one son, “Seth”, who lives about two hours away. On Monday when the hospice nurse and I went out to admit John to hospice, we knew he was into his dying process. John had stopped eating several days ago. He slept through most of the visit. When he did awaken, he only said a few words and then fell back asleep.
Denise and Seth both were aware that John’s time was close. Seth was staying with his parents for a few days before he was to return home. Denise was very open, honest and direct with her emotions. She would talk very factual about John’s dying. Her strong spiritual support helped her cope. Seth would not sit with us at the kitchen table even though his mother asked him to. Seth would keep saying that he had one more thing to do first. During the entire visit, Seth kept himself busy doing laundry, checking on his dad or some other task.
Denise shared how she wished John and Seth were not so stoic with their emotions. I talked about how often men want to fix things and can feel so helpless because they can’t fix cancer. Many men will do tasks to show their grief. I added that Seth was a perfect example of how some men, or even women, may grieve. He was showing his emotions by tasks, not words.
Seth’s birthday was one week away. Seth and his father shared a joy of hunting. John had ordered a classic gun for his son for his upcoming birthday. The gun was delivered on Tuesday evening, the day after we admitted John to hospice. John died quietly hours later.
Denise shared that she knew that John waited until the gun was delivered before he left. She added that he also waited for she and Seth to leave his room. She said that John was protecting his family. She added. “John’s last gift to us was passing as peacefully as he did.” The way he died, gave her and Seth peace. Over the years, John had been showing his emotions with actions; never words.
We all speak constantly as body language is very revealing. What a gift they gave each other. She and Seth giving John permission to go and John dying the way he did. The only thing Denise and Seth wanted was for John to do things his way. John did; quietly.
A QUIET GUY
He was a quiet guy;
an unassuming, stoic man.
Silently doing what needed to be done.
His family foremost on his mind.
Even in his dying,
his wife and son came first.
Making sure all tasks were complete,
before he chose to let go.
She always hoped he would open up one day;
share his feelings so she would understand.
But she loved and accepted him as he was,
showing emotions with his actions; not his words.
“The two of us will be okay.
If you need to go home, go home.”
They knew he worried so much about them,
so they gave him permission to be on his way.
She said his final gift to them was serenity.
“He passed so peacefully, so gently.”
He died the way he always lived.
Until the end of time,
a quiet guy.
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