“Joan” turned sixty-nine today, after being on hospice two weeks. She suffers from ovarian cancer. Joan lives with, “Art”, her husband of forty-four years. Art answered the phone when I called to arrange my initial visit two weeks ago. My first interaction was him saying gruffly, “Who is this?” It took me aback for a moment as I felt like I was talking to a drill sergeant.
I scheduled an appointment to go out the next day while our phone conversation continued with his rough demeanor. Even over the phone, I felt his caring heart. He made me laugh, as I knew it wasn’t his intention to be rude. He just wanted to be heard.
Joan was lying on the couch during that first visit. She would doze on and off, although, generally, was part of the conversation. Since then, Joan has declined rather quickly. She has not eaten any solid food for five days and can no longer swallow. The doctor has ordered her medication in liquid form which will make it easier for her to swallow the needed medicine.
During my second visit to the home today, Art was present along with his son, “Mitch” and daughter-in-law “Allison”. Mitch and Allison were talking about their seven year old son and had a lot of questions regarding how they could help him. I spent time educating them on children and their grieving process. While Mitch and I were talking, Art listened quietly for quite a while and then asked me in his typical tone, “Well, what do you need from us?” I answered him that it is not what I need, but what can I do for you? I added that I was there to help him and his family in any way that they needed. I kept my voice soft and gentle as I knew he would likely hear what I was saying. I wanted Art to know that I cared about him and his family. Art then stayed quiet for a while, while Mitch and Allison were expressing their thoughts.
Art is used to being in control and doesn’t like the feeling that there is nothing he can do to save his wife. One can see his kind and shattered heart. Fortunately, Art has good supports from his family and has plans on what he is going to do to keep busy after Joan dies. I wish Art well.
BROKEN HEART
He is rough around the edges.
His demeanor is rather harsh.
He’ll bark instead of talk,
but then, there is that broken heart.
His presence fills the room.
He is someone you cannot ignore.
A big, burly guy with a loud voice,
trying to hide his shattered heart.
He is losing his partner;
his wife of forty years.
He usually is in control of things.
He doesn’t like this at all.
If you ask him how he is doing,
he’ll brusquely respond, “I’m fine”,
even though he knows that you both know
it’s so far from his truth.
It won’t be long before she’s gone.
Probably no more than a week.
His pain will be deep;
His voice will be loud
while he attempts to deny
his broken heart.
Sunday, March 24, 2013
Saturday, March 16, 2013
A TYPICAL GUY
Seventy year old “Susan” suffers from end stage heart disease. She has been divorced for years and raised her three children alone. Her son, “Pete”, who is a twin, lives next door with his wife, “Alicia”, and their eight week old son. They all reside in a duplex and share one main wall.
Pete’s twin brother was killed in a car accident ten years ago when he was just twenty-two years old. Susan also has a daughter, “Jillian”, who lives nearby. All three of them are devoted to Susan and help out frequently.
When I first met Susan a week ago, she was struggling with panic attacks at night that interrupted her sleeping. With an adjustment in her medication, she is now sleeping well throughout the night. The family purchased a baby monitor in order to be able to hear Susan in their half of the duplex in case she needs any help.
Susan is very insightful and shared that she has had some trouble letting go as she wants to remain as independent as she can. She says she initially fought against anything that might impact that independence. She felt that the baby monitor was an intrusion into her life, but now realizes that it is there for her benefit. She says she has slowly come to terms with these changes.
I met Pete for the first time today. I made a late appointment so I could meet him after his work day. Pete was asking many detailed questions as was trying to understand what was available to his family. While talking, Pete was quietly standing behind his mother, who was sitting at the kitchen table, massaging her neck.
One could see the love he had for his mother in his eyes. All of his questions revolved around her care and what supports are available. He is an engineer by trade, and one would not be surprised by the questions he asked as they were all from his brain. But, it his actions that told his truth as they came from his heart.
He is a son, any mother would be proud. And I know Susan is.
A TYPICAL GUY
Many may see him
as a typical guy.
Things are black or white,
on or off, good or bad.
He’s into finite precision
with his engineering mind.
He’ll focus on one small detail
as he struggles to find his truth.
He wants to make her better.
He wants to fix what’s wrong.
So many questions on his mind.
He wants to know what he can do.
He’ll drop what he is doing
the moment that she calls.
He’ll massage her neck as long as needed
to help relieve her muscle pain.
He loves her with all his heart.
You can see it in his actions;
you can see it in his eyes;
you can see it in his heart.
So I guess it’s true,
after all
he is just
a typical guy.
Pete’s twin brother was killed in a car accident ten years ago when he was just twenty-two years old. Susan also has a daughter, “Jillian”, who lives nearby. All three of them are devoted to Susan and help out frequently.
When I first met Susan a week ago, she was struggling with panic attacks at night that interrupted her sleeping. With an adjustment in her medication, she is now sleeping well throughout the night. The family purchased a baby monitor in order to be able to hear Susan in their half of the duplex in case she needs any help.
Susan is very insightful and shared that she has had some trouble letting go as she wants to remain as independent as she can. She says she initially fought against anything that might impact that independence. She felt that the baby monitor was an intrusion into her life, but now realizes that it is there for her benefit. She says she has slowly come to terms with these changes.
I met Pete for the first time today. I made a late appointment so I could meet him after his work day. Pete was asking many detailed questions as was trying to understand what was available to his family. While talking, Pete was quietly standing behind his mother, who was sitting at the kitchen table, massaging her neck.
One could see the love he had for his mother in his eyes. All of his questions revolved around her care and what supports are available. He is an engineer by trade, and one would not be surprised by the questions he asked as they were all from his brain. But, it his actions that told his truth as they came from his heart.
He is a son, any mother would be proud. And I know Susan is.
A TYPICAL GUY
Many may see him
as a typical guy.
Things are black or white,
on or off, good or bad.
He’s into finite precision
with his engineering mind.
He’ll focus on one small detail
as he struggles to find his truth.
He wants to make her better.
He wants to fix what’s wrong.
So many questions on his mind.
He wants to know what he can do.
He’ll drop what he is doing
the moment that she calls.
He’ll massage her neck as long as needed
to help relieve her muscle pain.
He loves her with all his heart.
You can see it in his actions;
you can see it in his eyes;
you can see it in his heart.
So I guess it’s true,
after all
he is just
a typical guy.
Saturday, March 9, 2013
BE A KID
Fifty-six year old, “Rhonda”, suffers from lung cancer that has spread to her brain. Rhonda gets forgetful and struggles with word finding at times. She is wobbly on her feet and is at risk for falling. Rhonda needs constant supervision as she has poor judgment and is not aware of her deficits.
Rhonda lives with “Raymond”, her husband of thirty years. Raymond and Rhonda have two adult sons. One son is married and lives two hours away. Their younger son, ”John”, twenty-two, lives in the home. Both sons are devoted to their parents.
John attends school at a nearby junior college. John and his father take turns caring for Rhonda. John is available between his classes. When John is attending class, Raymond is able to take time away from his work to come home. Fortunately, John’s school and Raymond’s work are only a five minute drive from home.
During my visit to the home today, I was able to spend time alone with John. This is the first time I have had that opportunity. John was able to open up with me and share how it is for him to care for his mother. He spoke about the difficulty without complaining. John is devoted to his parents and wouldn’t have it any other way. Because his mother was sleeping and not listening, he was able to be totally honest.
I admire his insight, his maturity and his ability to be forthcoming. He is an amazing young man.
BE A KID
He is devoted to his mom.
He helps out in between college classes.
His dad is there the rest of the time.
It’s a heavy load for both of them.
She gets confused and doesn’t remember.
He’ll patiently explain so she’ll understand.
He says he is getting tired and drained.
He feels like he is the parent now.
He went away with friends for a few days.
It was great to feel free with no responsibility.
He goofed off and laughed a lot.
It felt great to just be a kid.
He returned home to again care for her.
He fixes her meals and helps her dress.
He finds the words when she cannot.
He wouldn’t have it any other way.
He knows her time is limited.
She’s getting weaker and sleeping a lot.
He loves her with all of his heart.
He knows afterwards,
he’ll have plenty of time
to just
be a kid.
Rhonda lives with “Raymond”, her husband of thirty years. Raymond and Rhonda have two adult sons. One son is married and lives two hours away. Their younger son, ”John”, twenty-two, lives in the home. Both sons are devoted to their parents.
John attends school at a nearby junior college. John and his father take turns caring for Rhonda. John is available between his classes. When John is attending class, Raymond is able to take time away from his work to come home. Fortunately, John’s school and Raymond’s work are only a five minute drive from home.
During my visit to the home today, I was able to spend time alone with John. This is the first time I have had that opportunity. John was able to open up with me and share how it is for him to care for his mother. He spoke about the difficulty without complaining. John is devoted to his parents and wouldn’t have it any other way. Because his mother was sleeping and not listening, he was able to be totally honest.
I admire his insight, his maturity and his ability to be forthcoming. He is an amazing young man.
BE A KID
He is devoted to his mom.
He helps out in between college classes.
His dad is there the rest of the time.
It’s a heavy load for both of them.
She gets confused and doesn’t remember.
He’ll patiently explain so she’ll understand.
He says he is getting tired and drained.
He feels like he is the parent now.
He went away with friends for a few days.
It was great to feel free with no responsibility.
He goofed off and laughed a lot.
It felt great to just be a kid.
He returned home to again care for her.
He fixes her meals and helps her dress.
He finds the words when she cannot.
He wouldn’t have it any other way.
He knows her time is limited.
She’s getting weaker and sleeping a lot.
He loves her with all of his heart.
He knows afterwards,
he’ll have plenty of time
to just
be a kid.
Saturday, March 2, 2013
A FAMILY
“Rich”, fifty-two, suffers from pancreatic cancer. He came onto hospice about five weeks ago after stopping chemotherapy. The chemotherapy was making him pretty sick. He was ready to stop the treatment because of the severe side affects.
Rich lives with his wife, “Janet”. Janet and Rich have been married twenty-two years. They have three teenage children ranging in age from thirteen to eighteen. I went out specifically today to meet with the three teenagers. The four of us sat in the back bedroom to talk. It was amazing, as all three of the children were able to easily verbalize their feelings and how they process those feelings.
Thirteen year old, “Ben” looks a lot younger than his age. He is short for his age and has such a sweet, innocent face. I asked Ben about his fears and it was then he told me his worries about his family. The words he spoke were from someone who has thought about these things a lot.
He shared that he hadn’t talked with anyone about these fears. He agreed it would be helpful if he spoke with his mother. Once I helped him to think about ways he could talk to his mother, a huge smile came over his face. One could see the relief lifting from his shoulders.
The three children all amazed me as they all had excellent ways of processing their emotions. Eighteen year old, “AJ” wrote poetry and listened to music to help him process his thoughts, while his fifteen year old sister, “Juliana” did journaling and got support from her girlfriends.
With a little guidance, quite often, children can deal with life pressures much better than many adults. They need to be aware of the tools that are available to them. We could all learn from the youth around us.
A FAMILY
He looks at you so intently,
with his adorable, cherub face.
His eyes lock in on yours,
yearning to know how it will be.
He knows his dad is dying.
He knows he will be sad for a while.
But he worries most about his mother,
“She will be depressed for a long time.”
His older brother will head off to college.
His older sister has her own friends.
He feels his family will break apart,
leaving him alone to be on his own.
You can tell he’s thought about this a lot.
It weighs heavily on his mind.
Intense worries for a thirteen year old
who just wants to, again
be part of a normal family.
We spoke about what he could say to mom;
to let her know how he feels.
He smiled and said he would talk to her.
Facial relief coinciding with a manageable plan.
I know she will reassure and love him.
They both may shed a few tears.
But in the end, he will know,
he is, and always will be,
part of
an unbroken family.
Rich lives with his wife, “Janet”. Janet and Rich have been married twenty-two years. They have three teenage children ranging in age from thirteen to eighteen. I went out specifically today to meet with the three teenagers. The four of us sat in the back bedroom to talk. It was amazing, as all three of the children were able to easily verbalize their feelings and how they process those feelings.
Thirteen year old, “Ben” looks a lot younger than his age. He is short for his age and has such a sweet, innocent face. I asked Ben about his fears and it was then he told me his worries about his family. The words he spoke were from someone who has thought about these things a lot.
He shared that he hadn’t talked with anyone about these fears. He agreed it would be helpful if he spoke with his mother. Once I helped him to think about ways he could talk to his mother, a huge smile came over his face. One could see the relief lifting from his shoulders.
The three children all amazed me as they all had excellent ways of processing their emotions. Eighteen year old, “AJ” wrote poetry and listened to music to help him process his thoughts, while his fifteen year old sister, “Juliana” did journaling and got support from her girlfriends.
With a little guidance, quite often, children can deal with life pressures much better than many adults. They need to be aware of the tools that are available to them. We could all learn from the youth around us.
A FAMILY
He looks at you so intently,
with his adorable, cherub face.
His eyes lock in on yours,
yearning to know how it will be.
He knows his dad is dying.
He knows he will be sad for a while.
But he worries most about his mother,
“She will be depressed for a long time.”
His older brother will head off to college.
His older sister has her own friends.
He feels his family will break apart,
leaving him alone to be on his own.
You can tell he’s thought about this a lot.
It weighs heavily on his mind.
Intense worries for a thirteen year old
who just wants to, again
be part of a normal family.
We spoke about what he could say to mom;
to let her know how he feels.
He smiled and said he would talk to her.
Facial relief coinciding with a manageable plan.
I know she will reassure and love him.
They both may shed a few tears.
But in the end, he will know,
he is, and always will be,
part of
an unbroken family.
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