THE BEST GIFT

After a death in hospice, the assigned Social Worker will call the family to offer condolences and support.   We counsel on their grief, normalizing and validating how they feel.   There is no right or wrong way to grieve.  I have worked with caregivers my entire career.  So many are surprised when I ask them, “And how are you doing”?  The focus, understandably, is on the patient and how they are coping with their illness. 

I called “Gene” this morning to check in with him and on how he was coping with it all.  His wife was on our hospice for only two days.  The last month was difficult for he and his wife as she declined rapidly. 

Not to take away anything on how the patient is struggling or suffering, caregivers are also struggling and suffering.   They, also, need support.  I hoped my conversation with Gene was supportive and helpful.  One wonderful support is that our hospice bereavement department will follow up for 13 months.  I hope Gene reaches out for the support that is available.  It is now his time to heal too.

THE BEST GIFT 

 

She has been sick for many years,

but recently things have gotten worse.

She is no longer eating or drinking fluids;

while now sleeping most of the day.

 

He knew her time was close,

but it was so hard to let her go.

He wanted to help her; to ease her pain.

But, like most of us, he didn’t know how.

 

He was sitting quietly by her side late last night.

He gave comfort by holding her hand.

She opened her eyes for about “five seconds”,

then closed them to gently let go. 

 

I spoke with him today offering condolences and support.

He told me about the moment she died, while adding,

“I am spinning;

                    I have anxiety over it all”.

 

I softly told him, “You gave each other your true hearts

while giving her permission to quietly let go.

You allowed her to leave when it was her time.

She knew it was that moment for her to go.”

 

Losing someone you love is not easy at all.

We so often want to fix things to ease their pain.

I hope he will come to know what he gave her;

the best gift of all;

                    Unconditional Love.

 

FIFTEEN MINUTES

Hospice biggest gift is comfort care.  The focus is on helping the patient stay comfortable in a physical, emotional and physical way.  We have a tremendous hospice team that helps patients and families in whatever way is needed.  After the death, our bereavement department follows up with the families for thirteen months.  

The Social Worker will call the family a day or two after the death to offer condolences and support. Most of the calls range from about five minutes to twenty minutes or so.    In fact, likely fifty percent of the calls, we leave a voice message. It is amazing how families so appreciate that we are checking in with them. 

Hospice is such a spiritual support for me.  This call amazed me, but then I am not surprised at all as I routinely will hear such amazing events.  What is so wonderful about this work is that we are all individuals living our lives the best way we can; our way. 

FIFTEEN MINUTES

 

We call families after a death

to offer condolences and support.

The calls are typically not too long

as this sacred/spiritual call

                    was just fifteen minutes.

 

Mom has been ill for quite a while,

but was on hospice for only a few days.

She has two children; a son who lives locally

and a daughter many, many miles away.

 

Her son stresses easily with episodes of anxiety;

while her daughter naturally stays calm and steady.

She cherishes both of her supportive children,

but knows her daughter will always do the right thing.

 

Two days ago, her daughter was in her yoga class.

She was lying quietly on her mat, when Mom appeared.

She was rising up off of her bed with a huge smile saying,

                    “I am so happy!”

 

A short time later, her brother gave her a call

telling her that Mom had died that morning.

Not surprisingly to her, it was the exact time Mom appeared.

It gives her comfort knowing that Mom is now at peace.

 

She tried twice to book a flight that same day,

but both flights were later cancelled.

“My brother needs a lot of guidance and support,

but then it gave me time to find my peace at home.”

 

“He had to manage and arrange the funeral plans alone,

because I wasn’t there to do all of the paperwork.”

“Your Mom cancelled the flights to help both of you.

She is still around to take care of you

as she always and forever will be;

                    your mom.”

FINDING CONTROL

Working in hospice, it is understandable while I meet so many who are dependent.   Being dependent is something that I do not believe anyone would relish.  I too, do say that I want to die the day before I become dependent.   Anger is a symptom of grief and loss.  We are logical beings and look for answers in a rational way.  There is no logical meaning to be found when one is diagnosed with a terminal disease.  As often I hear from patients is, “It is what it is”.  That is as logical, I guess, that we can be.

FINDING CONTROL 

 

So many patients that I meet

need help to get through each day.

I have never met anyone who has said,

                    “I love being dependent”.

 

She was diagnosed, just recently,

with chronic respiratory failure.

She is weak, bedridden, and on oxygen;

necessitating help with all of her needs.

 

He was diagnosed three months ago

with metastatic gall bladder cancer.

He is fragile, with a very unsteady gait.

He too, needs help with his daily activities.

 

Her daughter says, “She is very difficult.

She has always been a very angry person”.

She lives on a beautiful horse ranch,

but finding control is at the top of her list.

 

His first words were expressions of anger;

as he spoke about his recent hospital stay.

“They don’t care about me at all.

They just wanted me to be gone.”

 

Both are grieving the loss of their independence.

I would worry if either felt nothing at all.

Life truly does offer good to all of us,

but yes, it is often difficult to see,

when strongly, only focusing on,

                    finding control.

  

POSITIVE DIRECTION

Fortunately, I was documenting in the office this afternoon.  We received an urgent request from a hospital about thirty minutes away.   One of their patients, “Glen” had been hospitalized for four days.  He was ready for discharge, and did meet the criteria for hospice. They asked for hospice to visit this afternoon to educate him about our program.  

Glen is homeless and lives in his pickup truck.  The hospital wanted us to help with his needs as his cancer is limiting his ability.  I immediately drove over to meet Glen.  He instantly started telling me his truth.  He had complaints about the hospital which built up his emotions.    After sharing that story, he started to talk about his life and the good that he experienced.  He had an amazing positive attitude.  I strongly believe that his positive look at things is helping him with the many challenges that his life has given him.  I wish him the best.

POSITIVE DIRECTION 

 

He’s been hospitalized for several days.

The facility asked that we come to visit;

to educate him about our program;

to see if he wants hospice support.

 

He was diagnosed with lymphoma

just three and a half months ago.

Since the chemotherapy did not work

there are no other options available.

 

He’s been homeless for many, many years.

He lives in his blue Dodge pickup truck

which he parks in the parking lot

from where he used to work.

 

He has had many rough times in his life.

He likely has burned many bridges.

When asked who his emergency contact would be,

he replied, “There is no one.”

 

He then spoke about so many good times.

Sharing stories with a strong positive attitude.

His total appreciation of so many moments;

no regrets; no unfinished business; no fears.

 

As I was leaving, he started to cry while saying,

‘You were meant to be here today;

to talk with me; to give me the support.

You are truly an Angel”.

 

No regrets at all.

True and total appreciation.

My listening to him; supporting him.

Yes, with his totally clear and positive direction.

 

SO DO I

“Jill” will celebrate her 89^th birthday in two weeks.   She called our office asking if someone could come out to her home and educate her about hospice and palliative care.  Jill has suffered from hip and leg pain for quite a while.   She feels that her primary physician isn’t doing what needs to be done to help with her pain.  

Jill knew that hospice was all about comfort care and pain control.  Physicians refer patients with a guesstimation of a life span of six months or less. Jill has minimal health problems and does not quality for hospice at all.  She does qualify for Palliative Care.  We need her doctor to make a referral to our office.  Jill was agreeable to e-mail her doctor requesting that referral along with a referral to the Pain Clinic for relief of her hip and leg pain.

 While sharing her life, it was so amazing how much the two of us had in common.    Jill stated, “We were so meant to meet”.  I strongly feel the same. She called me an angel as I was leaving.  Not surprisingly, I felt the same about her.

SO DO I 

 

She has suffered with hip and leg pain for a while.

Her doctor talks about the pain clinic, but doesn’t refer.

She knows very little about hospice and palliative care;

so, I went out to educate her on both.

 

I asked about her beautiful painting on the wall.

She said it was Paris; I said, “I’ve never been.”

She then asked, “Where has been your favorite vacation?”

I answered, “On safari in Kenya and Tanzania.”

“I’ve been there too and it also is my favorite.”

 

She said she initially studied chemistry in college, as did I.

Both of us were then drawn to Social Work; earning our LCSW.

She walked me to her garden as that so helped her cope.

She loved taking photos as it so captured the garden’s beauty.

I too, love photography, remembering my first camera at age eight.

 

As I was leaving, she said that she wrote poetry;

while handing me one of her poems to read.

I got goosebumps while responding back to her,

“You won’t be surprised at all by my answer as,

                     So do I.”