SO UNFAIR

The nurse and I went out to admit, “Joshua”, fifty years old, to hospice.  Joshua was diagnosed with Lou Gehrig’s Disease only four months ago after symptoms of weakness in his legs.  Joshua is married to his wife and has two teenage daughters.  He was a landscaper by trade and loved his work. 

In only four months, his life has dramatically changed.  His ALS symptoms have continued strongly.  Joshua is now bedridden and unable to use his arms or legs.  He is so dependent with all of his daily activities.  Joshua has accepted his situation, although does have some appropriate emotions regarding his dependency.  He is so aware on how his illness is impacting him and his family.  He is forever a son, a husband and a father; wanting to continue to care for his family. 

He is realistic and is aware that his symptoms will continue.   He is now eating small portions and has lost thirty pounds since the diagnosis.  His pleasures in life are so limited, but he continues to live his life as fully as he is able.  I so admire him, but then, on the other hand, it is just so darn unfair.

SO UNFAIR 

 

It was only six months ago

when his legs started to weaken.

The weakness continued,

                    not wanting to stop.                   

 

Two months later he was informed;

“It is ALS or Lou Gehrig’s Disease.

We will help you all that we can,

but there is limited treatment;

                    there is no cure.” 

 

Weakness has won the battle

as his decline has been swift.

His arms and legs no longer work.

He is now bedridden;

                    not able to walk.

 

He is truthful and realistic regarding his thoughts.

He claims some anxiety with some depression.

Normal reactions most all would feel;

as being a burden is the last thing on any list.

 

He appreciates his wife; he loves his kids.

His parents are visiting from out of state.

He so thanked us for being there for support.

                    He values all that he has.

 

But then, why is this happening to him?

What is it all about; what is the purpose?

There are no answers to my questions at all

except, to me, it is unfair to him and his family.

                    It is just so unfair!

 

JUST SAD

I first met “Tracy” eight months ago last summer.  She was recently diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer and had undergone chemotherapy and radiation.  The side effects of the treatment were horrendous for her.  Secondary to that reaction, she chose to stop all treatment.  Tracy lived with her husband, “Bill.  It was the second marriage for both.  They had seven children between them and seventeen grandchildren.  Amazingly, all but two of the family members live nearby.  This is a very close and loving family. 

Tracy handled her disease and poor prognosis with reality.  She was very practical about life.  Tracy’s heart so filled with love and devotion to her husband.  Bill too, loved Tracy with all of his heart.  It was so beautiful to see.  One felt the strong love surrounding the two of them. 

Tracy spoke her truth, which I totally respect.  When one speaks their truth, it makes it so much easier, as hospice workers, to assist patients and families as they need.  Tracy and Bill also had a great sense of humor.  They had the nurse and I laughing throughout the visit. 

When I heard today that she had died this morning, my heart sank.  I felt such a strong sense of sadness.  I realized then, how much she had impacted me.  She was an amazing soul.  I know she is sharing her love on the other side as well.  Her love will continue to trickle back down to her family and friends.  Tracy will forever take care of those she loves.  God bless you dear Tracy.

JUST SAD 

 

I only met her three times.

When she was first diagnosed last summer;

then again; just a few weeks ago.

Each time, she touched my heart so deeply.

 

She was realistic regarding her diagnosis;

aware that likely within a few months

it would be her cause of death.

She handled it all with such grace.

 

It was their second marriage

and the love just flowed amongst the two.

Pictures of family were all around

as they had seven children between them. 

 

She has been declining rapidly this past month;

sleeping more and becoming weaker.

Her first thoughts always were for her husband,

making sure he is going to be alright.

 

She died peacefully early this morning;

letting go gracefully knowing it was her time.

Her husband and family were lovingly by her side

giving her, and each of them, the strength to go on.

 

The moment I heard; sadness has hit me hard.

Such a huge loss for the family; for hospice; for me.

I suppose her work was done here

as she was genuinely needed more on the other side.

 

I hope to meet her again one day

as she was such a special soul.

She will be with me for a while I know;

as it was her love, her kindness, her heart.

 

I feel honored and blessed to have met her.

Along with strong grief that has encircled my heart,

I am happy she is no longer suffering.

But for now, I am just

                    so sad.

 

WHY?

The hospice nurse and I went out to admit, “Christine”, thirty-three years old, to our hospice program.  Approximately one year ago, Christine was diagnosed with Stomach Cancer.  She had surgery at that time with follow up chemotherapy.  Two days after she was diagnosed, Christine’s husband died suddenly from pneumonia.  

Christine lives with her mother, “Louise”, who is her primary caregiver.  At the beginning of the visit, Louise told us about the time her daughter was diagnosed.  Within a course of the next three weeks, Louise lost her son-in-law, a nephew and two friends.  All were sudden deaths and without warning. 

Louise was honest regarding her grief and emotions.  She felt overwhelmed by it all.  With so many deaths within such a short period, it is almost impossible to grieve it all at once.   We grieve differently with each person as we have a different relationship with everyone we know. 

Fortunately, Louise is very involved with her Christian Church Community.  She says she goes to her pray meeting each week.  She has good support from her family and many friends.  Hopefully, in time, she will be able to grieve in a way that will work for her.   There are no words to express that can ever explain any of this at all.  I wish the best for this family as that is all that I can give.

WHY?

 

We went out to admit her daughter to hospice.

She was diagnosed, just one year ago this month,

with Stomach Cancer that had already spread.

Although she’s had treatment, she’s starting to decline.

 

Two days later, her daughter’s husband suddenly died.

Pneumonia was the battle he could not survive.

Then, the following week, her best friend,

without warning, collapsed and quicky passed away.

 

She was appropriately struggling with her grief,

but the losses weren’t quite yet over for her.

Ten days later, her nephew and another good friend

died suddenly; only four days apart.

 

Without any awareness, there were four deaths,

along with her daughter’s cancer diagnosis,

all within a three-week time period. 

All sudden, without any forewarning at all.

 

She had to go on leave from her job.

“I could not concentrate at all.

My mind was overcome with shock; with grief.

I still cannot process it all”.

 

Why in the world did this happen?

Was it just a horrific, random act;

or was it all just meant to be?

It would help to know the reason why.

 

I know that there are likely no set answers.

I also know I will likely never learn.

But that will not ever stop me

from continuing to ask my simple question;

                    Why?

 

SO FUNNY

We admitted, “Cecilia”, eighty, to our hospice today.  Cecelia was very confused secondary to Alzheimer’s Disease.  Cecelia lives in a Residential Care Facility with around the clock support.   Her daughter, “Janet”, lives nearby and is very devoted to her mother. 

The two of them were sitting at a table in the kitchen area.  Cecelia was sitting in her wheelchair next to Janet.  When Cecelia first saw us, she turned and whispered something to her daughter.  She then immediately started to laugh so hard.  Her laughter was so contagious, she had all of us laughing. 

Janet said that her mother has always been so funny.  Janet also shared that her father, who died two years ago, had a great sense of humor as well.  It wasn’t surprising then that Janet too was gifted with humor. 

When Cecelia spoke, she was very hard to understand.  Everything she said did trigger laughter within her.  I realized that it was her delivery that stole the show.  She was fun to be around.  No one would ever choose to be confused and dependent, but one great way to cope is; definitely laughter.  Keep on laughing Cecelia!!!

SO FUNNY 

 

She was told it was Alzheimer’s Disease

a little over three years ago.

She had been stable and doing fine,

until hitting her head in a recent fall.

 

Her life has changed dramatically since that fall.

She is so much weaker and needing more help.

She now uses a wheelchair as can no longer walk.

Her increased confusion, doesn’t register this at all.

 

As we walked into the facilities kitchen,

we saw she and her daughter sitting quietly there.

She saw us and said something to her daughter

which immediately made her laugh so hard.

 

Throughout the visit, she would comment a lot;

while giggling and laughing the entire time.

She’s always had a sense of humor,

but during the visit, she truly did shine.

 

She was hard to understand,

but her delivery was perfect.

It was her tone and her demeanor

that had me laughing just as hard.

 

She may not be aware or understand,

that her humor is helping her cope.

Her quality of life is no longer around,

but at least, she can face it

                    and laugh.