WHY?

The hospice nurse and I went out to admit, "John", to our hospice program. John was diagnosed with Lou Gehrig's Disease five months ago. John was a very determined individual. He honestly spoke what was on his mind. He did not want to live this way. Moments after we entered his home, he brought up the End-of-Life Option Act.

John had this strong belief that it was his time to go as did not want to be dependent. He had a strong love for his wife of thirty-four years. He wanted to make sure she would be okay after he was gone. John recently paid off their home loan to make sure she would not have any financial burdens. His love for her was so clear.

A strong sense of sadness overwhelmed me during the visit. I did not understand why. The nurse and I spoke after the visit. Both of us felt strong sadness for this patient and his wife.

A few hours later, I started to see how similar he was to my friend Amye, who died two weeks ago today. Such similar personalities and stories. The beauty of deep love between this couple; along with sadness regarding his terminal prognosis.

Grief is so unpredictable. It comes and goes so randomly. Throughout my career, grief counseling has been such a strong component of what I do. But, when it is on a personal level, I did not recognize my own emotions. Grief, no matter what form it presents, is so normal for us all.


WHY?　

It was a routine admission.
We went out to meet both he and his wife.
He told us about his needs; his wishes.
He definitely told us his truth.

I quickly felt a heaviness deep inside;
along with a strong emotion of sadness.
I really didn't understand why.
Although, a while later, it all made sense.

He immediately spoke about his end of life;
not wanting to live this way.
It was the same determination she had.
Matter of fact with strong needs.

His diagnosis was recent; as was hers.
Both terminal from the start.
Treatment options available
          with a slow decline.

He cared so much about his family;
as she did about hers.
Never to be a burden to anyone.
Ready for it all to be over.

I truly understood.
I've so recently been there before.
No longer needing to ask,
          Why?