HER GIFT

"Margie", seventy-seven, suffers from dementia and lung disease. Margie is on continuous oxygen and gets short of breath with any activity. Recently she has been getting weaker and more short of breath. She spends her days sitting in her recliner watching television. Margie lives with "Jess", her husband of fifty-one years.

The hospice nurse and I went out today to admit Margie to hospice. The moment we walked in, Margie immediately started talking about her childhood. She bragged that her father had several PhDs and was very smart. She then shared that her IQ was documented at 150. Jess added that Margie always had a photographic memory.

If you asked Margie a question about what was going on today, she would maneuver the conversation back around to her past. With dementia, one's short term memory typically goes first. A patient with dementia may remember who lived next door when they were seven, but forget that they had lunch an hour earlier. Margie did fit that pattern.

Margie was devoted to Jess and knew she needed his help. It wasn't clear how much she understood that she was terminal. When speaking about our hospice team, I mentioned that a chaplain could visit. Margie's face just lit up and she said that she has a prayer partner and prays every night. It helps her sleep.

I asked her if she had any fears about what was happening and she struggled to answer as could not process her thoughts. It was then that she just started to cry so hard knowing she does not remember things. Margie is losing her greatest gift; her intellect. It likely will be a blessing if a day comes where she can no longer realize that tremendous loss. There truly are worse things than death for many of us.


HER GIFT
　
We all are given special gifts.
A beautiful voice singing soprano.
Fluid fingers gliding across a keyboard.
A brush stroke completing a work of art.

Her gift was her intellect.
She had a photographic memory.
A member of Mensa for years.
A recorded IQ of over 150.

She can no longer process current thoughts,
but will easily talk about her past.
She is forgetful; she doesn't remember.
The doctors say she has dementia.

She also has chronic lung disease.
She struggles to catch a breathe.
She is declining; getting weaker.
She knows she needs a lot of help.

I asked her if she had any fears.
She was aware she could not think.
She cried so hard as did clearly know,
"I can't remember. I am losing my brain."

To her, dying is not as fearful as forgetting.
She says she's had a good life.
Her Christian faith gives her peace,
but she is trying so hard to hold onto
her most cherished gift of all;
          her intellect. 

TO KNOW HER

"Deb", sixty-two, was diagnosed with cancer one year ago. Deb has one daughter, "Jan", who lives nearby. Jan and her mother have always been "best friends" and spend a lot of time together. Deb has lived in the same small town her entire life. She has a multitude of friends; many over a lifetime. Deb also is very close with her two sisters and several cousins.

Deb had been undergoing treatment for her cancer this past year. Two weeks ago, the doctors wanted to try a new chemotherapy, but after one treatment, Deb became weak and extremely ill. It was at that moment, Deb said she had enough and was ready to go. Deb has a strong Christian faith in God and the afterlife. She has no fears about dying.

Deb's daughter called late yesterday to initiate the hospice referral. Deb shared that her mother said that she would be gone before the week was out. The hospice nurse and I were able to admit Deb to hospice today. Deb's daughter and good friend, "Sandy" met us at the home. Deb was in bed and, due to her weakness, did not participate in the admission visit.

The family said that Deb was so weak and eating very little. Prior to sitting down and talking with Jan and Sandy, I went to meet with Deb. Deb was not interested in participating in the visit due to her weakness. I asked her about any fears and she said, "I am through here; I am done". With Deb's strong Christian faith, she believes that where she is going will be perfect for her.

During the ninety minutes the nurse and I were in the home, the doorbell did not stop ringing. So many people were dropping in to say goodbye. Deb's decline has been swift and so many needed to see Deb one more time.

I truly believe in Karma and seeing so many friendly, loving people coming and going, reflected all of them. In addition, it reflected Deb as well. I believe Like attracts Like and what goes around comes around. The love Deb gave out in her life, was reflected by all of the folks who were present. We all should have such an amazing legacy.

TO KNOW HER
　
Her time is near.
She's ready; she is done.
A few words only between us.
Not enough time to know her.

Her decline has been rapid.
It caught most off guard.
Friends and family dropping in
wanting to see her one more time.

There are many who adore her.
They can't say enough about her.
Her kindness; her love for them.
Coming to say one final goodbye.

Their presence does reflect who they are,
but it also reflects her.
The Law of Attraction; like attracts like.
Her Karma says it all.

Her time is near.
She's ready; she is done.
A few words only between us.
More than enough time
          to get to know her.

JUST BE

　
"Randy", seventy-one, was diagnosed with cancer three months ago. Randy tried chemotherapy, but the side affects were horrendous and he chose to stop the treatment. Randy lives with his wife, "Becky". They have four children and a very large extended family. The majority of the family members live locally and were all in the home when I arrived this afternoon.

I heard from the nurse who had visited earlier in the day, that Randy was imminent, unresponsive and likely will die within hours to a few days. When I walked into the home, Randy's daughter escorted me to Randy's hospital bed where he was in a deep sleep. Becky was standing next to him holding his hand. Becky's face was red from crying.

Becky immediately asked me to sit with her at the dining room table nearby. Becky started to talk and shared these past few months of Randy's illness. She was trying to process and find some purpose and meaning of it all. Becky had been in a terrible car accident several years ago and had been questioning why she survived her car going over a cliff on a mountain road. She now feels that she survived to take care of Randy.

An important part of the Social Worker's role is active listening, validating and normalizing feelings. What one feels is so personal and it is their truth. As a Social Worker, it is not my role to fix or change anything, but to help guide another to their solution.

Becky was easy to be with and as I rose to leave, I didn't feel that I do all that much. Even with my training, one always wants to say something to make things better or fix things. It is our human nature I suppose. Becky has such tremendous supports, she will be okay. I felt honored to have helped her today.

ADDENDUM: Randy died the following morning with his wife at his side. I telephoned Becky to offer condolences. Becky said she was doing fine as her family was all around. She said she is making a list of things to do as "We always make lists." She said that she was by Randy's side when he took his final breath.

Becky shared that when she and Randy were first married, he was a trucker. Whether he was gone one day or a week, he always came home saying, "I love road trips." She added that they took a lot of road trips over the years. As Becky sat up with Randy throughout the night holding his hand, she knew his death was close as his breathing was very slow and erratic. She told Randy, "It is okay to take that one last road trip." The next moment Randy took his last breath. That experience gives Becky tremendous peace.


JUST BE

She needed to talk.
She needed someone to listen.
To hear her story;
to understand her pain.

There was nothing more to be done.
No words; no quick fix; no cure.
She needed to know she wasn't alone.
Someone to validate her sorrow.

I didn't say much, but mostly listened.
I did clarify her words saying I understand.
I normalized her grief, her coping; her faith.
But what she primarily needed from me was to
          "Just Be."

As I rose to leave her final words did surprise me.
I didn't feel like I did all that much.
"You are wonderful.
         Thank you so much."

We all want to be heard.
We all want to be counted.
But mostly, when in a crisis, all we need is another to
Just Be.
         Just Be with Me.　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

TOTAL ACCEPTANCE

“Rosie”, ninety-two years old, was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer five days ago. The doctors informed her that the cancer has spread to her liver. Rosie declined any treatment as knew this cancer would likely take her life. Rosie is very independent and immediately knows what she wants and will easily express it.

Three years ago, Rosie moved to California to be near her daughter. She had been an artist in New York City and did say how she missed Manhattan. When one walks into Rosie’s home, your eyes are immediately drawn to her beautiful paintings displayed throughout.

Rosie laughs so easily and has totally accepted her terminal diagnosis without pause. Rosie started to tear up when talking about her family and friends and how so many care. I stated, “The support one has is what makes one cry.” It was then Rosie just broke down and had a good cry. She added that she hadn’t cried since the doctor told her about the cancer five days before.

The next moment, Rosie would laugh. She had an amazing sense of humor and such a positive look on life. She embraces her life and openly shares it with those around her. She is fun to be around and it is no surprise that she has an amazing network of family and friends as I truly believe; like attracts like.


TOTAL ACCEPTANCE

 She doesn't conform to society;
doing what others might typically do.
She lives her truth each day.
Not pressured by those around.

She is an artist by trade.
Her paintings reflect her free spirit beliefs.
Beautiful renditions of her life
displayed attractively throughout her home.

She accepts what comes her way,
no matter how grueling it may be.
Obstacles are never a barrier
as she will find her way around.

She was told last week she has cancer.
She adamantly said no to any treatment.
She looks at quality, not quantity of life.
Determined to do things her way.

I asked her how she is coping.
She denied any fears, stating,
“I am at peace and feel strong.”
Then laughing, “What is that all about?”

She cried because so many care.
She laughed because that is how she copes.
Living her life her way.
Total acceptance of what is to be. 

LIVING HER FAITH

"Pauline", eighty, suffers from stomach cancer that has spread throughout her body. Pauline was managing fine until four days ago when she could no longer eat due to nausea and not being able to hold any food down. Recently, her radiation treatments were stopped as were no longer effective.

Pauline denied any fears stating, "I am ready." Pauline was widowed four years ago and knows she will be meeting up with her husband in heaven. She was married for over fifty years stating that "He was my soul mate."

When Pauline was diagnosed a year ago, her daughter, "Debbie", retired from her job, sold her home and moved in to help her mom. Debbie and Pauline have a very strong Christian faith that helps them cope. Debbie has devoted her life to helping others. She will help another effortlessly as "It is the right thing to do." It is Debbie's faith that guides her.

A few years ago, Debbie put her life on hold to help a friend who suffered a broken back from a horrific fall. Her friend was laid up and needing help for over a year. Debbie is such an amazing example of someone living their faith.

As the hospice team and I were visiting, Debbie was sharing stories of her life. At one point she added, "There are angels around us. Sometimes we don't recognize them at the time, but realize it later." I told Debbie, "I met an angel today in you." She was shocked as doesn't recognize what she does as amazing, but again, "It is the right thing to do." We can never have too many Debbie's in this world.


LIVING HER FAITH

She's always had a strong faith.
Her belief in God consistently strong.
Living her life selflessly.
Devoted to others in need.

There's been some hard times along the way,
but she takes it all in stride.
"Don't tell God how big your storm is;
tell your storm how big God is."

She put her life on hold for eighteen months
to help a friend in need.
A horrible accident with a long recovery.
Continually staying by her friend's side.

Her mother's diagnosis of cancer a year ago
turned her life again in another direction.
Without hesitation, she retired and sold her home
to move in to help her mother.

Knowing her mother's time is near
will bring some appropriate tears,
but her strong faith continues to give her comfort
knowing Mom will soon be flying high,
"We're walking
          one another home".

Living her faith.