SO ALONE

We received a hospice referral today for “Carl”, a sixty-five year old gentleman suffering from end stage cardiac disease. In addition, Carl suffers from dementia and is confused. He was just released from the hospital and transferred to a Skilled Nursing Facility. Carl has no family or friends. The Public Guardian’s Office manages Carl’s affairs.

The hospice nurse and I went out to admit Carl to hospice. Carl was lying in a single room all alone. He was lying on his side with his eyes open. He appeared much older than his years. He is on a feeding tube and uses oxygen. He did not talk or respond at all when the nurse was examining him.

Carl has a highly contagious infection. The hospice nurse had to put on a gown, gloves and mask in order to go in. Gowning up adds another layer of separation. I stood outside by the doorway watching the nurse to see how or if Carl would respond. He continued to lie there with no reaction at all.

This was a late afternoon admission and I was unable to speak with Carl’s Public Guardian as he was gone for the day. I had so many questions about Carl and his life. Did he wish for his life to end so alone this way? Would he want a loved one by his side? I felt such sadness for him. We are social beings and dying is such an unknown journey as we all only do it once. Does he wish to spend his remaining time alone?

Carl's quality of life is so diminished. Would he want a feeding tube that may prolong his life? Sometimes death is not the worse option. I wish him peace and hope that he finds his perfection when he crosses over to the other side.


SO ALONE
　
He has no family that we are aware.
There are no friends who come and visit.
The Public Guardian’s Office manages things.
He is isolated and so alone.

Did he push his family away?
Is there anyone who really cares?
Was he a loner; a hermit;
did he choose to be so alone?

Now he just lies there with his eyes open.
He doesn’t respond or speak at all.
He has a feeding tube that gives him nourishment;
oxygen to help him breathe.

The nursing staff takes care of his physical needs.
They treat him with compassion and show their concern.
Is he uncomfortable with them fussing about?
Would he rather be just left alone?

There are those of us who like our solitude.
There are those who relish privacy.
Somehow, though, it seems a bit scary,
       when one is dying
              to be so alone.

I hope he can feel our compassion.
I hope he knows that there are many who do care.
I’d like to think he will be surrounded by love
when it is his time to go to the other side;
        to be never again left 
               so alone.