TOOLS

I made a phone call today and spoke with “Judy”, the daughter of a patient that we will be admitting to our hospice program tomorrow. Judy had some questions about the admission process. She will be going out of town for a week and not be available for the open.

Judy's mother, “Maryanne”, suffers from Parkinson’s disease. Maryanne is having some struggle with swallowing food as is choking so easily. She lives in a residential care facility as needs help with all of her daily needs. Maryanne has one other daughter, “Ellie”, who also lives nearby.

The two daughters do not talk and are not close at all, although both are devoted to their mother. Judy said that Ellie copes by avoiding the situation. “If she doesn’t see it, it isn’t happening.” Denial is a huge coping skill that allows one to cope by baby steps. Judy then shared how she coped and how it worked so well for her.

It got me to thinking about how all of us do cope in our own way. There really is no right or wrong way to cope. It is important to recognize what we feel, know that it is normal and process it in a way that works for us. This process is so different for all of us. There are times that avoidance allows us to go slowly with our grief. Unfortunately, there are also times when one can get stuck. Grief is so clever as it twists and turns on a moment’s notice.

Ellie may think that her way of coping is as successful as Judy thinks her way of coping is for her. I just know that we all have to deal with loss. No one escapes pain and heartache. I just hope, when needed, that each of us find the right tools that work for us.


TOOLS

We all have learned how to cope
when tough times come our way.
We know what works for us.
But then, we also know what doesn’t.

Each of us are born with a toolbox
full of bright, shiny, new tools.
We may break the wrench or avoid the hammer,
but quickly pick up the screwdriver.

It is such a unique process;
as different as each one of us.
Not one tool is right for everyone.
We all have to figure things out.

Some of us struggle for years.
We may stuff our feelings; ignore our toolbox.
But perhaps it isn’t all that complicated.
Maybe she has the right idea.

She has such a definitive, direct way
that somehow works for her.
“Be around happy people.
You live it. You enjoy it.
You move on. Don’t dwell.”

Loss is inevitable.
No one is immune.
Knowing which tool to choose
will naturally lighten the load
       to help us
              to continue
                     to carry on.