DENIAL

Seventy-five year old, “Donald”, suffers from end-stage cardiac disease. He recently had emergency cardiac surgery, but his life prognosis is terminal. Donald is widowed and six days ago moved into his daughter’s home. His daughter, “Terry” and her husband, “Ken” are taking care of him.

Terry can telecommute from home and is available as needed. Ken is retired and is the primary caretaker for Donald. Both Terry and Ken are devoted to Donald. I first met the family today to open them to hospice. Donald was complaining that the doctors won’t tell him precisely when he will die. He says that they tell him months, which angers him. Donald wants to know the exact date he will die.

Donald is tired of having to watch his fluid intake while being on a low sodium diet. He stated, “I just want a pizza and a mug of beer.” Fortunately, halfway through my visit, the hospice nurse showed up and could address the issues of diet, fluid intake and medications. Donald wants to stop a lot of his medications. He is just tired of how his current life leaves him dependent upon others.

At the end of my visit, Terry and Ken walked me to the door and the three of us spent a few moments talking on the front porch. Ken called me later asking me if the nurse told Donald he had six weeks to live. I assured him that the nurse would not ever say that, as, again, no one can be that precise.

I told Ken to let Donald believe what he needs to believe as it will help him cope and get through the next days. Normally one has denial when they cannot face a terminal diagnosis. Donald is just the opposite, he wants a precise date that is only a few weeks away.

People die the way they live. That is what family members want as they know their loved one is still doing things their way. It is what one knows.


DENIAL

　

Denial is very powerful,
but handy all the same.
Only taking in what we can handle.
It helps us cope bit by bit.

Many people do get scared
of the reality they are facing.
Focusing on the positive helps
to deal with overwhelming odds.

He is just the opposite.
He wants to know the exact date.
“Don’t tell me weeks or months,
I want the precise time.”

She told him no one can really say.
Some have a gradual decline,
while another’s experience can be quick.
For all, it’s one more day to be alive.

He told his family she said six weeks.
He heard what he needed to hear.
Denial helps him get through each day;
while reality rides quietly alongside.

He may face the truth one day,
but it really doesn’t matter much at all.
He will die the way he lived his life;
the best way he knows how.