“John”, sixty years old, suffers from brain cancer. John lives with “Nina, his wife of thirty-one years. They have two adult children and many extended family members living nearby. John’s family is very devout in their faith. Their daughter, “Shawna”, twenty-five, lives on the third level of their home, while their son, “John, Jr”, thirty, lives close by. John’s elderly parents and ninety-nine year old Grandmother live about two miles away.
John’s cancer was discovered two years ago after he suffered a seizure. It was then that John had an “out-of-body” experience. That event squashed any fear that John had about dying. John and his family’s strong Christian belief give them comfort, support and peace. This family not only talks their faith, but it is so obvious by their kindness to others, that they also live their faith.
John came onto hospice eight days ago due to a sudden decline over a two week period. All thought that John would die within days. He is hanging on as has had a few short awake and alert moments, although mostly spends his days sleeping. He is minimally responsive to his family and eating very little. John’s family has rallied to give their love and support. The family’s minister calls daily to check in. It is this family’s deep devotion that carries them through.
The moment one walks into the family’s home, you feel the love. Last week when I went out for the first time to visit, I stepped into John’s bedroom to check on him. Shawna was caressing her father’s face in such a loving, endearing way, while whispering soft words to him. I felt I was witnessing a miracle as what I saw was pure, unconditional love from a daughter to her father. John has taught his children well. Their kindness and love reaches out to all.
The family is an inspiration to all who meet them. I have visited twice, and each time, there is extended family visiting for support. They all pitch in and do what they have to do to help each other. John and Nina are role models for love, faith and kindness. It is such a reminder of what is so right, and, in addition, it serves us all so well.
LIVING THEIR FAITH
He has been the patriarch of the family.
He’s the one they’ve turned to for guidance.
He has always been there for everyone.
His leadership; his faith; a testimony to all.
Soon, family dynamics are about to change.
They all will have to find their own way.
He no longer will be around like before.
His courageous battle is nearing the end.
Getting such a diagnosis
had to have been quite a shock.
But an “out-of-body” experience
increased his faith while diminishing any fear.
He is leaving behind an elderly grandmother.
His parents thought they would go first.
The family’s strong, devout faith keeps them going.
They know it is all in God’s hands.
His grandmother visited him the other day.
Still spry and young at ninety-nine.
She questioned, “Why him and not me?”
Suddenly the answer was loud and clear.
“I am here so that I can pray for him”.
Acceptance.
Devotion.
Faith.
Saturday, October 26, 2013
Saturday, October 19, 2013
GRAIN OF SAND
Eleven year old, “Hailey” lives with her father, “Danny” and step-mother “Sheri”. Hailey has never known her own mother. Her father raised her as a single dad until Sheri moved in three years ago.
Hailey has a very large, extended family. The family all live nearby and are very close and loving. Hailey has tremendous support from grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. The entire family was gathered together to celebrate the life of her grandfather, who had died three days before after a long illness.
During the celebration, Hailey and Sheri had an argument. Sheri was upset so went outside to cool off. She went to sit in her van that was parked in front of the house. A little while later, Danny went to check on Sheri and found her unconscious. Danny, with the help of his brother, tried CPR to no avail.
Sheri had a lifelong heart problem, but still it was quite a shock to everyone. Hailey’s grandmother called me and asked if I could come out to talk with Hailey. She added that Hailey blamed herself for her step-mother’s death because of the argument.
When I walked into the living room, Hailey was sitting on the couch. She looked so sad. Hailey had met me before as I was her grandfather’s hospice social worker. I told her why I was there and asked her if it was true that she blamed herself for her step-mother’s death. She stared at me with saddened eyes and slowly nodded yes.
I asked her about the number of conversations she thought she had with her step-mother. She admitted to thousands. I told her that each conversation is like a grain of sand. Over time, the pile will slowly grow larger. I cupped my hands and told her to imagine that sand pile and to throw as hard as she could, the grain of sand that represented the last conversation she had with Sheri. I then said, “Not much changes, does it?” Her eyes widened, her face lit up and she showed me the most amazing smile. She got it. She said she understood. She looked so relieved.
Children will always amaze me. They want to learn and will listen intently. They are like a sponge and will soak up what they need in order to carry on. It seems at times, that we, as adults, learn more from children, than visa-versa.
GRAIN OF SAND
They had argued shortly before.
It doesn’t really matter what about.
Their last conversation before she died.
She felt it was all her fault.
She had just lost her grandfather.
It had only been three days.
Now her step-mother so suddenly.
She must be the one to blame.
She didn’t have to say anything.
Her body language was shouting out loud.
Her face was drawn; she looked so sad.
A huge burden for one so young.
I told her about a pile of sand.
Each grain; one conversation with her step-mom.
Good or bad, adding one grain with each discussion;
there is never any notable change.
Her eyes widened; her face lit up.
A huge smile spread across her youthful face.
She got it; she understood.
A heavy weight lifted
by one tiny grain of sand.
Hailey has a very large, extended family. The family all live nearby and are very close and loving. Hailey has tremendous support from grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. The entire family was gathered together to celebrate the life of her grandfather, who had died three days before after a long illness.
During the celebration, Hailey and Sheri had an argument. Sheri was upset so went outside to cool off. She went to sit in her van that was parked in front of the house. A little while later, Danny went to check on Sheri and found her unconscious. Danny, with the help of his brother, tried CPR to no avail.
Sheri had a lifelong heart problem, but still it was quite a shock to everyone. Hailey’s grandmother called me and asked if I could come out to talk with Hailey. She added that Hailey blamed herself for her step-mother’s death because of the argument.
When I walked into the living room, Hailey was sitting on the couch. She looked so sad. Hailey had met me before as I was her grandfather’s hospice social worker. I told her why I was there and asked her if it was true that she blamed herself for her step-mother’s death. She stared at me with saddened eyes and slowly nodded yes.
I asked her about the number of conversations she thought she had with her step-mother. She admitted to thousands. I told her that each conversation is like a grain of sand. Over time, the pile will slowly grow larger. I cupped my hands and told her to imagine that sand pile and to throw as hard as she could, the grain of sand that represented the last conversation she had with Sheri. I then said, “Not much changes, does it?” Her eyes widened, her face lit up and she showed me the most amazing smile. She got it. She said she understood. She looked so relieved.
Children will always amaze me. They want to learn and will listen intently. They are like a sponge and will soak up what they need in order to carry on. It seems at times, that we, as adults, learn more from children, than visa-versa.
GRAIN OF SAND
They had argued shortly before.
It doesn’t really matter what about.
Their last conversation before she died.
She felt it was all her fault.
She had just lost her grandfather.
It had only been three days.
Now her step-mother so suddenly.
She must be the one to blame.
She didn’t have to say anything.
Her body language was shouting out loud.
Her face was drawn; she looked so sad.
A huge burden for one so young.
I told her about a pile of sand.
Each grain; one conversation with her step-mom.
Good or bad, adding one grain with each discussion;
there is never any notable change.
Her eyes widened; her face lit up.
A huge smile spread across her youthful face.
She got it; she understood.
A heavy weight lifted
by one tiny grain of sand.
Saturday, October 12, 2013
MAN CAVE
Fifty-four year old, “Duane”, suffered from colon cancer. Duane lived with “Trudy”, his wife of thirty-two years. They have three adult sons who are devoted to their parents. Growing up, the boys always brought their friends over and Trudy would dote on all of them. Trudy said she had about eight additional “adopted” sons.
Duane converted his two car garage into his “Man Cave”. He loved being out there surrounded by his large screen television, a comfy sofa with two recliners and a refrigerator holding his favorite food and drink. Duane made toys, lamps and picture frames out of wooden match sticks. Duane had many of his creations displayed in the garage. It was where he did his work.
Duane came onto hospice about six weeks ago when it became apparent that he was declining. My weekly visits were spent in the Man Cave with Duane and his family. He would proudly show me many of his match stick creations.
Duane took a rapid decline two weeks ago. He stopped eating and became very weak. The hospice nurse wanted to order a hospital bed so that he would be more comfortable, but Duane refused to leave his Man Cave. Even though he was so weak, he would will himself to sit up on the couch. This past week, Duane no longer was able to sit up. He spent his final days lying where he was most comfortable; his couch.
Hours after he died, family discovered two pennies near his couch side by side. They knew it was a sign from Duane letting them know that he was okay. His son, “Dennis” noticed the coins first. He turned and called out to his family to come to the Man Cave to see. When Dennis turned his attention back to the two pennies, he realized that one penny had moved and was now lying about six feet away from the other coin.
No one had touched the coins and Dennis only looked away for a moment. It was then that the family were truly convinced that it was Duane and he was doing just fine enjoying his new Heavenly Man Cave.
Later that night, Duane’s six year old granddaughter, “Shiloh”, saw her grandpa in the clouds. She says she felt love. The family experienced many other moments convincing them all that Duane was still checking in with them.
Duane loved his coffee, but wasn’t able to drink any for several months because it upset his stomach. At 3am the following morning after his death, his daughter-in-law woke up to the smell of coffee. She checked throughout the home to find that there was no coffee brewing. In addition, the family are finding copper pennies everywhere. It gives them great peace knowing that Duane is doing well and is still around.
MAN CAVE
He loved his Man Cave.
His favorite place to hang out.
One would typically find him there on the sofa
watching his large, flat-screen TV.
His sons were often with him,
reminiscing about fish stories of the past.
Freezing by the river;
holding tight to their poles;
the big one that got away.
His illness took a sudden turn.
He declined rather quickly.
He refused to come inside.
Not budging from his couch.
He died yesterday in his Man Cave.
Peacefully they say, with his eldest son by his side.
Dying where he always lived;
his favorite spot to be.
They weren’t surprised at all
when he showed them he was fine.
Leaving a message for all of them
so that they would,
without a doubt,
know that it was him.
Again, saying hello
from the Man Cave.
Duane converted his two car garage into his “Man Cave”. He loved being out there surrounded by his large screen television, a comfy sofa with two recliners and a refrigerator holding his favorite food and drink. Duane made toys, lamps and picture frames out of wooden match sticks. Duane had many of his creations displayed in the garage. It was where he did his work.
Duane came onto hospice about six weeks ago when it became apparent that he was declining. My weekly visits were spent in the Man Cave with Duane and his family. He would proudly show me many of his match stick creations.
Duane took a rapid decline two weeks ago. He stopped eating and became very weak. The hospice nurse wanted to order a hospital bed so that he would be more comfortable, but Duane refused to leave his Man Cave. Even though he was so weak, he would will himself to sit up on the couch. This past week, Duane no longer was able to sit up. He spent his final days lying where he was most comfortable; his couch.
Hours after he died, family discovered two pennies near his couch side by side. They knew it was a sign from Duane letting them know that he was okay. His son, “Dennis” noticed the coins first. He turned and called out to his family to come to the Man Cave to see. When Dennis turned his attention back to the two pennies, he realized that one penny had moved and was now lying about six feet away from the other coin.
No one had touched the coins and Dennis only looked away for a moment. It was then that the family were truly convinced that it was Duane and he was doing just fine enjoying his new Heavenly Man Cave.
Later that night, Duane’s six year old granddaughter, “Shiloh”, saw her grandpa in the clouds. She says she felt love. The family experienced many other moments convincing them all that Duane was still checking in with them.
Duane loved his coffee, but wasn’t able to drink any for several months because it upset his stomach. At 3am the following morning after his death, his daughter-in-law woke up to the smell of coffee. She checked throughout the home to find that there was no coffee brewing. In addition, the family are finding copper pennies everywhere. It gives them great peace knowing that Duane is doing well and is still around.
MAN CAVE
He loved his Man Cave.
His favorite place to hang out.
One would typically find him there on the sofa
watching his large, flat-screen TV.
His sons were often with him,
reminiscing about fish stories of the past.
Freezing by the river;
holding tight to their poles;
the big one that got away.
His illness took a sudden turn.
He declined rather quickly.
He refused to come inside.
Not budging from his couch.
He died yesterday in his Man Cave.
Peacefully they say, with his eldest son by his side.
Dying where he always lived;
his favorite spot to be.
They weren’t surprised at all
when he showed them he was fine.
Leaving a message for all of them
so that they would,
without a doubt,
know that it was him.
Again, saying hello
from the Man Cave.
Saturday, October 5, 2013
TASKS
Sixty-five year old, “Barb”, suffers from peritoneal cancer. Barb lives with, “Ray”, her husband of thirty-eight years. They have two adult sons who live nearby with their families. After their workday, both boys will drop by to check in on their parents. Barb’s sister, “Celeste”, has come from the Midwest to stay for the duration to help Ray in caring for Barb.
Barb spends most of her days in bed now. She has a poor appetite and is eating very little. Barb still manages to get to the bathroom using her walker. Due to weakness though, Ray or Celeste will walk next to her in case she starts to fall.
During my visit today, Ray, Celeste and I sat down and spoke in the living room. Barb was asleep nearby in the family room. Ray was sharing stories about Barb. He says she has always been very organized. He added that Barb is always several steps ahead of him as she is constantly thinking about future tasks that are needing to be done. Barb always wants to be in control of her life and their activities. He said she is very good at it.
Ray added that the system has always worked well for them as he had the luxury of focusing only on the current task at hand. Ray shared that, over this past weekend, Barb was telling them how she wants her memorial. She was informing them where to have it; what music she wants etc.
Ray showed sadness while sharing Barb’s final request of him. Fortunately, Ray and the family want what Barb wants, and will follow her wishes. Letting go is never easy, but when the patient is so dependent, oftentimes it is a blessing. I believe any of us, when our quality of life is diminished, could find ourselves also saying, “I am done. Let me go.”
TASKS
She has always been the one in charge.
She stays organized by making her lists.
She often has had trouble sleeping through the night,
as her brain works overtime filtering tasks.
She makes it easy for him.
He only has to focus on the task at hand.
He doesn’t worry about what’s next.
It has always worked well for them.
Even now when she is dying,
she doesn’t want to lose any control.
She is arranging her future memorial;
telling them what to do; what she wants.
Her quality of life has diminished.
She is sleeping more and eating less.
They have increased her pain medication.
She has told her family she is ready to go.
She had one last item on her list;
one final task to complete.
She knows it wasn’t easy for him to hear;
but this morning she did ask;
“The best way to show your love for me
is to let me go.
Just let me go.”
Barb spends most of her days in bed now. She has a poor appetite and is eating very little. Barb still manages to get to the bathroom using her walker. Due to weakness though, Ray or Celeste will walk next to her in case she starts to fall.
During my visit today, Ray, Celeste and I sat down and spoke in the living room. Barb was asleep nearby in the family room. Ray was sharing stories about Barb. He says she has always been very organized. He added that Barb is always several steps ahead of him as she is constantly thinking about future tasks that are needing to be done. Barb always wants to be in control of her life and their activities. He said she is very good at it.
Ray added that the system has always worked well for them as he had the luxury of focusing only on the current task at hand. Ray shared that, over this past weekend, Barb was telling them how she wants her memorial. She was informing them where to have it; what music she wants etc.
Ray showed sadness while sharing Barb’s final request of him. Fortunately, Ray and the family want what Barb wants, and will follow her wishes. Letting go is never easy, but when the patient is so dependent, oftentimes it is a blessing. I believe any of us, when our quality of life is diminished, could find ourselves also saying, “I am done. Let me go.”
TASKS
She has always been the one in charge.
She stays organized by making her lists.
She often has had trouble sleeping through the night,
as her brain works overtime filtering tasks.
She makes it easy for him.
He only has to focus on the task at hand.
He doesn’t worry about what’s next.
It has always worked well for them.
Even now when she is dying,
she doesn’t want to lose any control.
She is arranging her future memorial;
telling them what to do; what she wants.
Her quality of life has diminished.
She is sleeping more and eating less.
They have increased her pain medication.
She has told her family she is ready to go.
She had one last item on her list;
one final task to complete.
She knows it wasn’t easy for him to hear;
but this morning she did ask;
“The best way to show your love for me
is to let me go.
Just let me go.”
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