JUST ASK HER

Seventy-one year old “Julie” suffers from lung cancer. Julie lives with her partner, “Maury”. They have been together for twenty years. Maury is a musician and is out of the home during the day working on his music. Julie spends most of her days home alone. She is on oxygen, but is able to maneuver around her home safely and take care of her needs.

Julie has a very large network of close friends. She is very devoted to them, although recently it has been getting more difficult with all the visits and phone calls. She has been slowly getting weaker and has hired part time attendant care to fix her meals and do some light housekeeping for her.

Julie has two children, both of whom live out of state. Her son, “Josh” lives in Washington State while her daughter, “Kathy” lives in Switzerland. Kathy flew over to be with her mother a few weeks ago with plans on staying for the duration. Kathy has her own health problems which leaves her exhausted at times.

The family asked me to make a visit as Josh will be in town. Kathy said they had a lot of questions about taking care of their mom. Julie is very strong willed and, I wasn’t at all surprised, that Josh and Kathy are the same. They all speak their truth no matter what the consequence. They respect each others opinions, even though they know they are at odds on many topics.

Josh and Kathy are very specific and wanted detailed answers on how best to care for their mom. Both speak very meticulous and wanted answers back the same. They asked me about what other families do. I said everyone has individual needs and every family handles things in ways that work for them.  I told them that it really isn’t all that complicated. When in doubt on how to help mom, “Just ask her”.

They both were surprised by my answer as they had never thought to do that before. Julie was then able to share her perception of her needs and concerns. This family will continue to struggle with the small details, but I hope that, with any uncertainty, they just remember to ask mom about what she needs and thinks.


JUST ASK HER

　
She raised them to be strong.
She taught them to speak their truth.
They both have distinct opinions,
although unsure about what to do.

He is decisive and to the point.
She needs to openly process her thoughts.
Both want what’s best for their mom,
even though they do not think alike.

The talk to each other about what to do.
They talk about their different ideas of a perfect plan.
They need specific direction on how to start.
They want to know what other families do.

They want easy answers to their complex questions.
No two family’s needs are alike.
To find out what your mother needs,
“Just ask her”.

They both seemed surprised by my answer.
They never thought to do that before.
Your mother will design her perfect plan.
She knows what she needs.

It is not that complicated or involved.
No need to think so exhaustive.
Mom will know what to do.
When in doubt, all you have to do is,
          “Just ask her.”