“Leon”, eighty-two, was just diagnosed eight days ago with inoperable brain cancer. Leon is widowed and lives alone. Leon’s wife died of cancer seven years ago. Her slow decline left an impact on Leon as to how she suffered through her ordeal. Leon was at his wife’s bedside as she was dying in the hospital. It was then he told his three sons, “I want to die quickly in my sleep”.
Leon’s three sons knew something was wrong about two months ago, when their father seemed to be getting forgetful and confused. Since the diagnosis, Leon’s middle son, “Mike” has moved in to be with his father. Mike and his two brothers rotate and take turns staying with their father. All three are devoted to him.
I went out today to open Leon to hospice. All three sons were present. While Leon was sleeping, we all sat and talked in the kitchen. The boys shared how their father was a safety engineer for the state and wrote policy about how to block off the highway when road work was needing to be done. Previously, there had been no policy and each crew manager was left to figure out things for themselves. They said their dad can simplify any complex situation. It was so obvious how proud the three boys were of their father.
Toward the end of my visit, Leon woke up and I was able to speak with him. He conveyed stories about his wife. He told the stories of their families by describing the various photos that were hanging on the living room wall. As I was leaving, I told Leon that I would be back in two weeks to check in on him. He told me, in an unemotional voice, “I won’t be here then”. I attempted to have him say more about that, but with his confusion, he drifted off into another topic.
After learning about Leon from his three sons, somehow I wouldn’t be surprised if Leon did die before these next two weeks are up. For Leon, it is just the way it is.
Addendum: Although unexpected, Leon’s forecast did come true. Leon died this morning, seven days after sharing his prediction. Somehow I am not surprised. Way to go, Leon!
WHAT HE KNOWS
He just found out a week ago,
there is nothing to be done.
An explanation for all those symptoms.
He just wants things to move fast.
He saw his wife suffer with her cancer.
How it slowly took away her life.
He knows the heartbreak she went through.
He hopes to die in his sleep.
He has always been a meticulous thinker.
He knows how to maneuver around details.
He is honest and always tells his truth.
He shares what’s on his mind.
He can simplify any complex situation.
He will clarify with a few, intelligible words.
His sons are at peace about his wishes.
They know he’ll have his way.
I told him I would see him again in two weeks.
He said he won’t be here.
I believe and his sons believe,
it is just something
that he knows.
Saturday, July 27, 2013
Saturday, July 20, 2013
JUST ASK HER
Seventy-one year old “Julie” suffers from lung cancer. Julie lives with her partner, “Maury”. They have been together for twenty years. Maury is a musician and is out of the home during the day working on his music. Julie spends most of her days home alone. She is on oxygen, but is able to maneuver around her home safely and take care of her needs.
Julie has a very large network of close friends. She is very devoted to them, although recently it has been getting more difficult with all the visits and phone calls. She has been slowly getting weaker and has hired part time attendant care to fix her meals and do some light housekeeping for her.
Julie has two children, both of whom live out of state. Her son, “Josh” lives in Washington State while her daughter, “Kathy” lives in Switzerland. Kathy flew over to be with her mother a few weeks ago with plans on staying for the duration. Kathy has her own health problems which leaves her exhausted at times.
The family asked me to make a visit as Josh will be in town. Kathy said they had a lot of questions about taking care of their mom. Julie is very strong willed and, I wasn’t at all surprised, that Josh and Kathy are the same. They all speak their truth no matter what the consequence. They respect each others opinions, even though they know they are at odds on many topics.
Josh and Kathy are very specific and wanted detailed answers on how best to care for their mom. Both speak very meticulous and wanted answers back the same. They asked me about what other families do. I said everyone has individual needs and every family handles things in ways that work for them. I told them that it really isn’t all that complicated. When in doubt on how to help mom, “Just ask her”.
They both were surprised by my answer as they had never thought to do that before. Julie was then able to share her perception of her needs and concerns. This family will continue to struggle with the small details, but I hope that, with any uncertainty, they just remember to ask mom about what she needs and thinks.
JUST ASK HER
She raised them to be strong.
She taught them to speak their truth.
They both have distinct opinions,
although unsure about what to do.
He is decisive and to the point.
She needs to openly process her thoughts.
Both want what’s best for their mom,
even though they do not think alike.
The talk to each other about what to do.
They talk about their different ideas of a perfect plan.
They need specific direction on how to start.
They want to know what other families do.
They want easy answers to their complex questions.
No two family’s needs are alike.
To find out what your mother needs,
“Just ask her”.
They both seemed surprised by my answer.
They never thought to do that before.
Your mother will design her perfect plan.
She knows what she needs.
It is not that complicated or involved.
No need to think so exhaustive.
Mom will know what to do.
When in doubt, all you have to do is,
“Just ask her.”
Julie has a very large network of close friends. She is very devoted to them, although recently it has been getting more difficult with all the visits and phone calls. She has been slowly getting weaker and has hired part time attendant care to fix her meals and do some light housekeeping for her.
Julie has two children, both of whom live out of state. Her son, “Josh” lives in Washington State while her daughter, “Kathy” lives in Switzerland. Kathy flew over to be with her mother a few weeks ago with plans on staying for the duration. Kathy has her own health problems which leaves her exhausted at times.
The family asked me to make a visit as Josh will be in town. Kathy said they had a lot of questions about taking care of their mom. Julie is very strong willed and, I wasn’t at all surprised, that Josh and Kathy are the same. They all speak their truth no matter what the consequence. They respect each others opinions, even though they know they are at odds on many topics.
Josh and Kathy are very specific and wanted detailed answers on how best to care for their mom. Both speak very meticulous and wanted answers back the same. They asked me about what other families do. I said everyone has individual needs and every family handles things in ways that work for them. I told them that it really isn’t all that complicated. When in doubt on how to help mom, “Just ask her”.
They both were surprised by my answer as they had never thought to do that before. Julie was then able to share her perception of her needs and concerns. This family will continue to struggle with the small details, but I hope that, with any uncertainty, they just remember to ask mom about what she needs and thinks.
JUST ASK HER
She raised them to be strong.
She taught them to speak their truth.
They both have distinct opinions,
although unsure about what to do.
He is decisive and to the point.
She needs to openly process her thoughts.
Both want what’s best for their mom,
even though they do not think alike.
The talk to each other about what to do.
They talk about their different ideas of a perfect plan.
They need specific direction on how to start.
They want to know what other families do.
They want easy answers to their complex questions.
No two family’s needs are alike.
To find out what your mother needs,
“Just ask her”.
They both seemed surprised by my answer.
They never thought to do that before.
Your mother will design her perfect plan.
She knows what she needs.
It is not that complicated or involved.
No need to think so exhaustive.
Mom will know what to do.
When in doubt, all you have to do is,
“Just ask her.”
Saturday, July 13, 2013
HALF FULL
“Barbara”, eighty-one years old, suffers from end-stage cardiac disease. Due to his drinking, Barbara had been separated from her, now deceased, husband for many years. Barbara has three adult sons. Two live out of the area, while her youngest son, “Gavin”, lives about thirty minutes away.
Gavin’s two brothers have limited involvement with their mother. Gavin shared that on Mother‘s Day or their mom‘s birthday, the two eldest brothers do not even call her. The estrangement is a result of theft, anger and entitlement from the two sons. Gavin has come to terms with his brothers’ personalities and has accepted the situation as it is. Barbara still dreams that her three sons will all come together one day and get along.
Barbara was admitted to hospice three months ago. Initially, she was doing quite well. Recently, she has declined quite suddenly to where she is bedridden, weak and sleeping most of her days. If one could guess, it looks like she has less than a few weeks left to live.
When I first met Gavin and Barbara, I was impressed at how open both of them were with their emotions toward each other and their feelings of grief. When I discovered that Gavin was a retired policeman, I was surprised. One can only imagine the horrors and heartbreak he witnessed throughout his career. He sees the positive in everyone and everything. He speaks about how thankful he is for his life and always counts his blessings.
Gavin spends half the week with Barbara and the other half with his own wife and two young sons thirty minutes away. He and a hired caretaker share Barbara’s care. It works out well for all.
I made a visit today and, for the first time, Barbara slept through it all. She typically is such a sweet hostess and the two of us get into our, “girl talks”, as she calls them. Today I was able to spend time alone with Gavin. It was then when I heard some remarkable stories about his family and his career. He told me about how his one brother stabbed their father to death and spent eight years in prison. He also shared that his other brother has stolen money from mom over the years.
It is amazing to me, that Gavin is able to focus on the positive with everything. He has had some rough times in his life, but he will pull out the best that there is in any situation. He is a realist, but refuses to be drawn into any negativity. He accepts others as they are without needing to change them. Gavin is straight with others and hopes that they understand that we all have choices in life to turn anything around. I admire his courage, his strength and his honesty.
HALF FULL
He was a career policeman.
He witnessed a lot of hate and heartbreak.
Such a challenging and dangerous job
would leave some cynical and hardened.
He always saw the good in others,
no matter what the deed.
He attempted to educate, not penalize.
It kept him fulfilled and rewarded.
He always sees the positive side.
His cup is always half full.
Even now with his mother dying,
he will smile and be thankful for each day.
He is with her more days than not.
No other family is willing to help out.
He gets tired and run down,
but he wouldn’t change a thing.
He shared some family history today.
Alcoholism, anger, murder, theft.
Surrounded by chaos and hatred,
he became a stronger, realistic man.
He loves his mother with all of his heart.
She taught and influenced him well.
He is a better man because of her.
No matter what struggle each day brings,
his cup will always be
half full.
Gavin’s two brothers have limited involvement with their mother. Gavin shared that on Mother‘s Day or their mom‘s birthday, the two eldest brothers do not even call her. The estrangement is a result of theft, anger and entitlement from the two sons. Gavin has come to terms with his brothers’ personalities and has accepted the situation as it is. Barbara still dreams that her three sons will all come together one day and get along.
Barbara was admitted to hospice three months ago. Initially, she was doing quite well. Recently, she has declined quite suddenly to where she is bedridden, weak and sleeping most of her days. If one could guess, it looks like she has less than a few weeks left to live.
When I first met Gavin and Barbara, I was impressed at how open both of them were with their emotions toward each other and their feelings of grief. When I discovered that Gavin was a retired policeman, I was surprised. One can only imagine the horrors and heartbreak he witnessed throughout his career. He sees the positive in everyone and everything. He speaks about how thankful he is for his life and always counts his blessings.
Gavin spends half the week with Barbara and the other half with his own wife and two young sons thirty minutes away. He and a hired caretaker share Barbara’s care. It works out well for all.
I made a visit today and, for the first time, Barbara slept through it all. She typically is such a sweet hostess and the two of us get into our, “girl talks”, as she calls them. Today I was able to spend time alone with Gavin. It was then when I heard some remarkable stories about his family and his career. He told me about how his one brother stabbed their father to death and spent eight years in prison. He also shared that his other brother has stolen money from mom over the years.
It is amazing to me, that Gavin is able to focus on the positive with everything. He has had some rough times in his life, but he will pull out the best that there is in any situation. He is a realist, but refuses to be drawn into any negativity. He accepts others as they are without needing to change them. Gavin is straight with others and hopes that they understand that we all have choices in life to turn anything around. I admire his courage, his strength and his honesty.
HALF FULL
He was a career policeman.
He witnessed a lot of hate and heartbreak.
Such a challenging and dangerous job
would leave some cynical and hardened.
He always saw the good in others,
no matter what the deed.
He attempted to educate, not penalize.
It kept him fulfilled and rewarded.
He always sees the positive side.
His cup is always half full.
Even now with his mother dying,
he will smile and be thankful for each day.
He is with her more days than not.
No other family is willing to help out.
He gets tired and run down,
but he wouldn’t change a thing.
He shared some family history today.
Alcoholism, anger, murder, theft.
Surrounded by chaos and hatred,
he became a stronger, realistic man.
He loves his mother with all of his heart.
She taught and influenced him well.
He is a better man because of her.
No matter what struggle each day brings,
his cup will always be
half full.
Saturday, July 6, 2013
JUST LIKE ME
Eighty-two year old Mary suffers from lung cancer. She is widowed and lives alone. She has two adult sons; one living about two hours away who visits frequently. She came onto hospice three months ago after receiving all available treatment without success.
Mary accepts what life brings her; counting her blessing along the way. She will find the positive in any situation knowing that there are so many in her life that care. Mary had been doing quite well since on hospice until last week. She had been driving and managing all of her personal and household needs. Occasionally, she had a few bad days where she tired easily.
I went out to do a routine visit today and found Mary weak and nauseas. She said she had not eaten much for a week except for a nutritional supplement. She added that today she could not keep anything down. She then said, “I am ready for this to be over.” She says she still finds joy in her life with her huge network of friends, but does not like living this way.
Mary has Long Term Care insurance that will pay for twenty-four hour care. She is resistant to initiate the care saying, “What do I need them for?” I explained that they could do the laundry, make her bed, household chores etc., so she could have the energy for things she enjoys.
Her stubbornness and independence reminded me of me. I could see myself in her behavior. We both are very stubborn and independent which often makes it difficult to accept any needed help. I have already told my two adult sons, “I am not going down easy.”
I respect Mary and understand how difficult it is to ask for help. I encouraged her to take into account her safety and what could happen while weak and living alone. She agreed to call the Attendant Care Agency tomorrow to let them know that she may need them sooner rather than later.
Through all of this, she keeps her positive attitude about life. In her, I see myself as likely managing things the same way if I ever were in her situation; stubborn, positive and accepting. We all are who we are. I will end with a favorite quote, “Be yourself. Everyone else is taken.”
JUST LIKE ME
We share more than our first names.
We share more than bearing two sons.
She is stubborn, determined and optimistic.
Just like me.
She’s been sick for a short while.
She had been doing quite well.
Last week there was a sharp decline.
Not quite knowing where to turn.
She is resistant to let go of some control.
She is accepting her weakness; her changes,
saying “I am doing alright.”
Just like I probably would.
She has always been there for others,
but finds it hard to reach out.
Family and friends are available to help.
She knows how much she is loved.
She’ll die the way she has always lived.
Seeing her cup continually half full.
Realistic and accepting of what life brings.
Just like me.
Mary accepts what life brings her; counting her blessing along the way. She will find the positive in any situation knowing that there are so many in her life that care. Mary had been doing quite well since on hospice until last week. She had been driving and managing all of her personal and household needs. Occasionally, she had a few bad days where she tired easily.
I went out to do a routine visit today and found Mary weak and nauseas. She said she had not eaten much for a week except for a nutritional supplement. She added that today she could not keep anything down. She then said, “I am ready for this to be over.” She says she still finds joy in her life with her huge network of friends, but does not like living this way.
Mary has Long Term Care insurance that will pay for twenty-four hour care. She is resistant to initiate the care saying, “What do I need them for?” I explained that they could do the laundry, make her bed, household chores etc., so she could have the energy for things she enjoys.
Her stubbornness and independence reminded me of me. I could see myself in her behavior. We both are very stubborn and independent which often makes it difficult to accept any needed help. I have already told my two adult sons, “I am not going down easy.”
I respect Mary and understand how difficult it is to ask for help. I encouraged her to take into account her safety and what could happen while weak and living alone. She agreed to call the Attendant Care Agency tomorrow to let them know that she may need them sooner rather than later.
Through all of this, she keeps her positive attitude about life. In her, I see myself as likely managing things the same way if I ever were in her situation; stubborn, positive and accepting. We all are who we are. I will end with a favorite quote, “Be yourself. Everyone else is taken.”
JUST LIKE ME
We share more than our first names.
We share more than bearing two sons.
She is stubborn, determined and optimistic.
Just like me.
She’s been sick for a short while.
She had been doing quite well.
Last week there was a sharp decline.
Not quite knowing where to turn.
She is resistant to let go of some control.
She is accepting her weakness; her changes,
saying “I am doing alright.”
Just like I probably would.
She has always been there for others,
but finds it hard to reach out.
Family and friends are available to help.
She knows how much she is loved.
She’ll die the way she has always lived.
Seeing her cup continually half full.
Realistic and accepting of what life brings.
Just like me.
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