GRIEVING

Eighty-two year old, “Eleanor” had been estranged from her son, “Richard”, for years. Richard became addicted to alcohol and drugs as a young man. Eleanor shares that she and Richard have not spoken in years. She says that when she suffered her stroke a few years ago, she never heard from her son. She has disappointments and regrets over their relationship. She takes some blame for the breakdown saying that maybe she could have done some things differently.

Her son had been in a nursing home as he could no longer care for himself. Richard’s friend, “Peter”, was willing to step in and help as needed. Richard’s health took a sudden turn recently to where he spent most of his days sleeping and eating very little. That is when the hospice referral was made.

When I went out on my first visit to meet Richard, I found him in a deep sleep. I gently jiggled his shoulder, but he did not awaken. On my second visit yesterday, I found Richard unresponsive and in a coma. One knew his death was imminent.

Richard died a little after midnight this morning. The hospice nurse reported that Peter was going to call Eleanor and inform her of her son’s death. I called Eleanor later this morning to offer condolences. It was then when I discovered that Peter had not called her. She was not surprised by the news as did know her son was in a nursing home and not doing well.

Eleanor shared that her daughter, “Danielle”, died seventeen years ago from cancer. Eleanor is very close to her three granddaughters, Danielle’s children. Eleanor has a strong faith which helps her cope with the belief that her son is now at peace. She spoke of regrets and sadness that he got into drugs. Eleanor will move forward with the help of her Christian faith and her three granddaughters. I wish her well.

GRIEVING

　
Life has not been easy for her.
She has suffered so many losses;
more than any mother
should ever have to endure.

She’ll readily admit to those around,
“Loss is different when it’s a child,”
First her daughter from cancer,
now her son from poor choices.

I thought she was told about her son.
I thought she already knew.
I called her to offer condolences
finding I was the one to let her know.

She was not at all surprised.
She knew that this call would come one day.
She regretted the choices he had made.
She so wished it didn’t have to end this way.

She has been grieving her son for years.
Grieving the death of their relationship.
Grieving what he could have become;
his potential, his future.

She will mourn him a while longer.
She will grieve as any mother would.
But she also feels some relief
hoping now he has found his peace.

A mother’s love.
A mother’s heartache.
A mother and her son,
       for quite a while,
              have both been grieving

ALONE

Sixty-one year old “Rob” suffers from renal cancer. Rob was diagnosed a month ago while in the hospital for a short stay. Two weeks ago, he was placed into a Skilled Nursing Facility. It was then that Rob was referred to hospice. Rob’s ex-wife, “Elaine”, had been involved and supportive and helped with the placement. Initially she informed the nursing home staff that she was the contact person.

When the hospice staff called Elaine to set up the initial visit, she adamantly told hospice not to call her as she was not involved. The nursing home staff was unable to get any additional information from Rob as he was getting confused and could not help.

A few days later, I did a visit to the nursing home to meet with Rob and attempt to find out who would be legally making decisions for him. Family can make decisions without legal paperwork, but it is always best when you can talk to someone with whom the patient has delegated that role. Unfortunately, Rob was in a deep sleep and I could not awaken him. To no avail, I read through Rob’s nursing home chart in order to attempt to locate another family member or friend.

The social worker from the nursing home called me today requesting that I attend a care conference this afternoon for Rob. Fortunately, I was able to shift my schedule around and attend. The nursing home staff still had Elaine as a contact person. They had called Elaine about the care conference and she agreed to be on speaker phone for the meeting. When the social worker called her during the conference, she told him that she was not involved and did not want to take any responsibility for Rob.

The social worker said that, in these type of cases, they call the Public Administrator who will take over once the patient dies. The patient will get cremated through the state.

It just seems so sad to have one’s life end so alone. How many people will be aware or even will care that he has passed? I know I care and it breaks my heart as I feel so sad for him. I guess we choose our life and have to take some responsibility for the outcome. Maybe it is a blessing that he isn’t aware of his current situation. It could be that he is not sad at all. I would like to believe he is going to a better place and will never be alone again. God only knows.

ALONE

　
It breaks my heart to see him.
Lying there with no one around.
A handsome man struggling to breathe.
In a nursing home; alone.

His mother is elderly and frail.
She’d like to help, but cannot.
She struggles with their strained relationship.
She’ll sadly share, “He got into dope”.

His ex-wife refuses to help.
She doesn’t want to be involved.
She needs to distance herself from him.
There is no one else to call.

He’s hardly eating anything at all.
He no longer is able to talk.
He spends most days in a deep sleep.
Likely not aware of what is going on.

He doesn’t have much time left.
The county will then take over.
They’ll do what needs to be done.
Cremation and burial;
        alone.

EMOTIONS

I received an urgent phone call at 5:50 this morning from a dear friend, Camille, asking me for help. After six weeks of a very stressful hospital course, her husband, Howard, just wanted to go home. After two surgeries, he became septic. The infection was impacting his system to where his organs were shutting down. The only option was dialysis, which was not a viable choice for him. There was also a high risk that he would require life supports.

After talking things over with his doctors and family, Howard decided that he just wanted to go home. I had not been aware of these recent events and was shocked by the phone call this morning, but so grateful that she called. She had questions regarding the process for getting her husband home on hospice.

Howard was in a hospital two blocks from my work. Surprisingly, I had no scheduled visits this morning and was available to help her in any way she needed. Typically my schedule would be full, but I feel a higher power was involved in giving me time to be available to my friends.

I called Camille when I got to work and offered to come over if she needed, as I had all morning available for her and her family. She sounded so relieved when she said yes. She wanted me to be there when the discharge planner talked with them.

I had not met any of her family before as they all live out of the area. They all so graciously accepted me into their world. I was there when the discharge planner explained the process. I clarified things and gave thoughts of what they might expect once they got Howard home.

I spoke with Camille this evening. She said that Howard just got home. Her reaction humbled me as she thanked me for getting him home. From my perspective, I was only a small part of getting Howard home as I was just sharing what I knew. I had the easy part as I was just being a friend. The gift of giving and receiving are both given out of love. I thank them as much as they thanked me for allowing me in at such an intimate time of their lives. I am honored, humbled and in awe.

Camille taught me that it doesn’t matter how big or small, it is the act of giving to another that is huge, especially when it is given all in the name of love.


EMOTIONS
　

It is hard to put into words,
the emotions that I feel.
I am honored; humbled, in awe.
A mixture of feelings profound.

He foremost on their minds.
Wanting help in just getting him home.
Not knowing where to start;
not knowing what to do.

I needed to be there for them,
but also for me.
The strong desire to fix things;
wanting to take away their pain.

I couldn’t speed up the process.
I couldn’t make staff appear.
I could only give thoughts of what might be
once he did get home.

They asked so little of me.
Their appreciation abound.
Humbled by their reaction.
In awe of who they are.

Emotions

THE CHANCE

Today I had the opportunity to say goodbye to a patient I had known only three months. I did weekly visits as it was important for her to be able to process her emotions. This was a new diagnosis of cancer and her decline was swift.

Visiting today, I found her to be actively dying. She had not eaten for over a week. She was lying in her hospital bed with labored breathing. Her eyes were open, but she wasn’t seeing, although she appeared, at times, to understand what was being said to her. Even though she and I had only met three months ago, we instantly bonded. Immediately we both knew we were kindred spirits. I mentioned to the patient how we were kindred spirits and I heard her weakly reply, “We are.”

Many patients will let go once they know their family is going to be okay. Some patients may have unfinished business or they may be waiting for a special birthday or anniversary date. There are multiple reasons why someone lets go at any particular time. I just know that it is always the perfect time for them. I felt honored to have been able to say my goodbyes to her today.

Addendum: Her daughter flew in from out of state two days later. The following morning, the patient died peacefully with her three children by her side. It was the perfect time for her.


THE CHANCE

　
Thank you for giving me the chance;
the chance to say goodbye.
Thank you for allowing me to tell you
the impact you made on so many of us.

It was hard to find the fitting words;
words that clearly could express my heart.
I hope you heard the love, the honor and the respect;
that I was attempting to convey.

I know you didn’t want this to happen,
but I know your faith is strong.
You biggest worry has always been your children.
You want to know that they’ll be okay.

I promised you I would make sure of that
in the best way that I knew how.
Phone calls, follow-up, comfort.
The support will be available to all of them.

So when the time is right for you;
when all your work has been done,
let go, fly high and soar
when you have the perfect chance.

CROSSING OVER

Sixty-four year old “Timothy” came onto hospice two days ago. He suffered from renal cancer that had spread throughout his body. Timothy lived with “Kitty”, his wife of forty-four years. Kitty and Timothy had two adult children; forty-two year old “Valerie” and thirty-eight year old “James.”

The family was beset with health problems. Kitty had a lupus type of disease that attacked her muscles while James suffered from Schizophrenia and drug addiction. James lived nearby in a facility for the mentally ill. Valerie was married and lived nearby as well. She was the caretaker for all of her family members.

Timothy was gravely ill when admitted to hospice. The family gathered around to support each other and Timothy. James would not go near his father and kept pacing the floor. Kitty thought it best that Valerie drive James home.

Timothy died at 8:30 that night, hours after being admitted to hospice. The family kept trying to contact James and could not reach him on his cell phone. Valerie’s husband drove over to James’s apartment the next afternoon and, it was then, he called the paramedics. The paramedics believed it was an accidental overdose of drugs; telling the family that James had made an “amateur mistake”. The paramedics calculated that James died thirty minutes before his father’s death the night before.

Valerie and Kitty believe that James was with his father when Timothy crossed over. James had always needed help from his family and felt bad that he could not help them in return. The family truly believe that James was there to help his father cross over and that they crossed over together. It gives Kitty and Valerie peace knowing that they both are together in a better place and that James was finally able to help his father in return.


CROSSING OVER
　

He always depended upon his dad,
and his dad was always there.
Especially through the hard times
of his mental illness and drug abuse.

His dad got sick a few years ago.
Thinks were okay for a while.
But in the end, the cancer took over
causing so much heartache and pain.

He was there when his dad lay dying.
He couldn‘t sit still; he paced the floor.
It hurt to see his dad this way
so he had his sister drive him home.

He must have taken too many drugs.
He just wanted to ease the horrendous pain.
The next day they found him in his bed.
Drug paraphernalia lying around.

They calculated the time as best they could.
Figuring he died shortly before his father passed.
Family believes he helped his dad cross over.
Reaching out to him and holding his hand.

It gives mom comfort to know
that her husband and son are together in peace.
Her son finally able to help his dad,
like his dad had always done for him.

Two losses moments apart.
How does a family cope?
She believes in God and the power of love.
Crossing over together, father and son.