WHAT IS

Seven days ago, “Vickie”, sixty-five, was diagnosed with cancer that has already metastasized to her brain.  Vickie has been healthy all of her life until now.  Her upbeat personality surprised me as this past week, she has dramatically declined.  Vickie came to America twenty-five years ago from a war-torn country.  She appreciates America so much more because of her knowing the hardship that can come from that type of living situation. 

Vickie has such a positive attitude about life.  Seeing the good in life, while not questioning why bad can also happen.  Vickie has a strong group of friends that surround her. She spoke so lovingly about that support. 

Being just seven days from diagnosis, most of us need a lot more time to come to terms with a terminal diagnosis.  Vickie is very realistic and spoke about options that are available in California; such as the End-of-Life Option Act.  When asking about her code status wishes, she strongly stated she wanted her disease to run its natural course. 

I am so amazed by her graciousness and natural acceptance of what is so recently happening.  She is surely, one of the most beautiful souls I have met.

WHAT IS 

 

“I’ve had a great life

surrounded by those who love me.

Traveling; singing; playing my cello;

while always having good health.”

 

She is in her mid-sixties;

with a positive and appreciative personality.

One week ago, though, she was told,

“It is cancer that has now spread”.

 

Her world has since dramatically changed.

She has had a sudden, rapid decline.

She has increased pain “everywhere”.

Due to weakness, she spends more time in bed.

 

She is now losing weight

as can no longer eat due to nausea. 

She is becoming more dependent,

but in spite of it all, she remains happy.

 

When asked if she had any fears; any concerns,

she genuinely stated, “It’s what is”.

She stays calm without questioning, “Why?”

“Life is on its own projected course”.

 

She strongly embraces her life;

valuing all that she has received.

Just meeting her, I am not surprised at all

of her natural ability to totally accept

                          What is.

 

WHAT SHE WANTS

The hospice nurse and I went out to admit “Vicki” to our hospice program.   Reading her medical records, she did qualify for our program.  Vicki has been drinking for decades which has so strongly impacted her health.   She has been in a recent decline and was hoping to come onto hospice for one month to build her strength, her appetite, her cognition, to help her “get better”. 

We explained hospice philosophy of comfort care and qualify of life.  Understandably, she was not in a place to go that route. She appeared so frail due to extreme weakness.  She was so thin and had trouble walking due to swelling in her feet.  She did qualify for hospice, but she so strongly was hoping we could give her more independent days. 

Denial and acceptance are both a big part of the grieving process.  She flipped back and forth between them.  My heart went out to her, as I so wished we could have given her what she so powerfully needed.  I wish her peace.       

WHAT SHE WANTS 

 

She is only forty-two years old.

She has been drinking since she was a teen.

Her health has been impacted so deeply

with fluid retention and now Liver Disease.

 

Her doctor warned her about her drinking.

“If you don’t stop, you will die”.

She next stayed sober for fifteen months.

But then, three months ago, she didn’t.

 

She is now so wobbly on her feet

due to increased weakness.

She gets short of breath with any exertion.

Her appetite is so very “up and down”.

 

She wanted to go onto hospice for just one month;

for strength; for weight gain; for stronger cognition.

She has been on a liver transplant list,

but may not qualify due to her recent decline.

 

She has so many moments wanting back her normal,

but then, reality and truth are hard to avoid.

Wanting a liver transplant and hospice don’t mix.

Tearfully, she stated, “I just cannot live this way”.

 

She was hoping that hospice would visit her daily;

checking vital signs, taking blood work.

We are comfort care and quality of life.

Two major offerings and support;

but, for now,

                    not what she wants.

               

CAREGIVERS

I have been a medical social worker my entire career.  During all of those years, I have always had the pleasure of working with caregivers and home health aides.  I see such love and respect from those working in that field.  It is a calling for most all of them.  

The hospice nurse and I went out to admit, “Lois”, to hospice.  She was diagnosed only one month ago with metastatic cancer.  Lois lives with her daughter, “Marilyn”, who has hired 24 hours caregiving support as she is seeing a weekly decline with her mother.   

Lois had worked for years as a caregiver in a nearby Skilled Nursing Facility.  The nurse and I spent some alone time with Marilyn while explaining our program and discussing Mom’s health issues.  When we walked into meet Lois, she was sitting in a recliner in her bedroom.  She was so welcoming and thankful for our presence.  She amazed me as she spoke her truth about her grief of losing her independence, but then would turn around and smile so gently at us.    

The family has suffered several recent losses.  One of Lois’s daughters died ten months ago from cancer.  Then just four months ago, her grandson died suddenly from a seizure.  Marilyn appropriately cried when sharing these stories with us.

 I feel honored to have met Lois and her family.  They all are a beautiful example of spirituality and love.   Love truly does attract love.

CAREGIVERS

 

 

I have worked with caregivers

my entire thirty-plus years career.

All have been amazing; heartfelt souls.

That is why I always call them “Angels”.

 

One month ago, she was totally independent.

Now, wheelchair bound and so weak.

Her nutrition has become only sips and bites.

Family say they are seeing a weekly decline.

 

She had worked as a caregiver in a local nursing home.

She drew such pleasure while helping others.

Now she has 24/7 hired caregivers to help her

as is no longer safe being alone.

 

She has such a loving, genuine heart;

appreciating the help, but grieving it as well.

‘I want to be able to run again; to walk once more;

but I know those days are forever gone.”

 

One new caregiver filled in for an eight-hour shift.

When paying her for her time, she softly said,

“I can’t take your money.

God sent me here to care for your mom”.

 

I am surprised, but then I am not.

Like truly attracts like.

Her loving soul beckons the same.

That is why all are tenderly called

                         “Angels.”

 

TEN YEARS AGO

Ten years ago, Wednesday, October 30, 2013, I was in the Emergency Room secondary to a ruptured appendix.  My blood pressure was way below normal at 80/55.  I was septic and had no energy at all.  It was while I was in the Emergency Room that I crossed over.   It was such a normal experience.  I felt peace, total understanding and love.  There was a beautiful yellow arch of light that was pure spirit; or unconditional love. 

On this ten-year anniversary, I am feeling very somber and blessed.   It feels like it all just happened yesterday.  It was a very humbling, but gracious experience.  Amazingly, I did find out the answer to my question of “Why?”, when I returned to work three months later.  I met a patient who shared with me, “I know I am dying and am not afraid, but what is Heaven all about?”  It was then when I shared my story for the first time.  After hearing about my visit to the other side, she replied, “Thank you so much.  I am no longer afraid”.  She died four days later.  When I heard about her death, my first thought was, “If she is the only reason that I experienced what I did, then it was well worth it”.

I so deeply thank her every day for her gift back to me.  Now and then, I continue to share my story with patients when I am guided from above to do so.  All I can simply say is “Thank you!”

TEN YEARS AGO 

 

It was ten years ago today

that I crossed over to the other side.

The time away, oh so short;

has impacted me tremendously.

 

I also knew the answers of the universe.

Life is not really that complicated.

I knew it wasn’t my time.

I said, “I’m not ready; I’m going back.”

 

So many questions arose from within me then;

“Why me; what is it all about?

What is the purpose; the meaning?

What do I do with it; if anything?”

 

For ten years, now and then,

I have shared my story with hospice patients.

I will always hear back similar responses;

“Thank you so much. I feel so much better now”.

 

I received an amazing, sacred gift that day;

in order to share with others.

Not complicated at all, but truly simple.

Little things often are, oh so profound.

 

It was so humbling; but such an honor.

I will continue to share now and then,

when guided and directed from above;

about a place I did visit for a brief moment

                         just ten years ago; today.