DENIAL

Our organization has a Palliative Care program along with the hospice program.   I went out to meet with “Jim”, and his wife, “Laura”, to admit Jim to palliative care.  Jim was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s Disease eight years ago.  He has been living in the memory care unit of a local residential care facility.  Laura lives nearby and visits Jim frequently. 

The moment I walked into Jim’s room, Laura shared stories about Jim’s work and his successful investments.  She stated strong appreciation for all that he has given her by his hard work.  She so appreciates that they have the funds for Jim to live in the facility where he is getting the best care.  She does not have to be his caregiver, but is able to be his wife; which is the best gift for both of them. 

Jim has been slowly declining and becoming weaker.  His appetite is declining whereby he has lost twenty pounds in the last three months.  Laura is trying so hard to do what she feels he would tell her to do, but then stated how difficult it would be to not select what procedures that are available. 

One can be in denial until the last moment.  It helps one cope when living through such an emotional and stressful situation.  I can be the Queen of denial myself, at times. 

DENIAL 

 

They have been married for over fifty years.

He was a successful businessman

which allowed her to follow her dream

of becoming an elementary school teacher.

 

“He has always taken care of me

by working hard and investing well.

Now that he no longer understands,

 it is my turn to take care of him.”

 

He is so confused and forgetful

as his disease is taking a toll.

His biggest concern; his worst complaint

                    “I am so tired”.

 

He has a liver mass that may be cancer.

Surgery is scheduled later this month.

She wants every treatment that is available for him;

“I want him, to hopefully, be able to get stronger”.

 

He is full code, full intervention, no matter what;

even though his body is quietly slowing down.

She is aware and inside knows the truth,

“I am in a great state of denial”.

 

Intellectually we all know the truth,

but denial is a powerful coping method.

It allows us to deal with any stressful event

                    in small baby steps.

 

The truth will forever be in her sight;

but she’ll hold onto denial as long as needed.

It will help her to be where she needs to be;

until the perfect time for her to truly see

                    and acknowledge reality.

 

TO LET GO

We admitted, “Donna”, one hundred years old, on a Tuesday.  Donna was diagnosed four months back with new onset Alzheimer’s Disease.  Family hired part-time caregiving support, as Donna was still safe to be home alone; but did benefit from the extra help.  Her two daughters live nearby and brought her meals along with helping with housekeeping chores etc.  

Donna then took a dramatic fall two weeks ago.  She has dramatically declined since that recent fall.  She is no longer able to walk independently.  She had been using a walker, but now needs assistance with getting up out of a chair.  In addition, she needs help with taking the few steps to her walker.  Someone needs to steady her and hold on in order for her to maneuver only a few feet.  She is now using a wheelchair.  

Donna did not understand our support.  She had fears that we were there to move her out of her home.  She has lived in the same home for over seventy years.  Even with her daughters attempt to explain our support, she did not understand. 

“Elaine,” on the other hand, is another patient we admitted one day after Donna.  Elaine was born within two weeks of Donna.   Both Donna and Elaine will be turning 101 within the next week.  Elaine, like Donna, had been independent with most of her needs until she suffered a stroke two weeks ago.  Elaine is now bedridden.  In addition, she also some confusion.  Elaine is so weak that she cannot even sit up in her hospital bed.  

Elaine’s daughter, “Bonnie”, told us that her mother is so ready for it all to be over.  She has a strong Buddhist faith that gives her peace and comfort. 

It was such a coincidence meeting these to women one day apart.   Both are very strong and tough as most of us will never survive to 100 years of age.  How they cope, was such a huge contrast, though.  We all cope in a way that works for us.  My heart goes out to both of them, because no one would want to live so dependently.  What is so sad is that their options are now so limited.  I wish both of them the best.

TO LET GO 

 

They were born seven days apart

over one hundred years ago.

She’ll turn 101 in five days

and her cohort only a few days more.

 

They both were admitted to hospice

one day apart from each other.

Both because of a rapid, recent decline;

one from a major fall; the other a stroke.

 

Family has hired full time caregiving support

as her recent decline has been swift.

Her confusion and weakness have increased so much;

she can no longer manage any of her needs.

 

She did not understand our support

as feared we would make her move.

Wanting to live her life as always,

“Both of you will have to go.”

 

She, on the other hand, has also declined.

A stroke two weeks ago hit her hard.

She is totally dependent with all of her needs.

She is done, as stated,

                    “Buddha, please take me now”.

 

Both women have lived more years

then most of us will ever see.

One is not yet ready to have it be over,

while the other, on the other hand,

is so ready

                    to let go.

 

POSITIVE

 I met “Grace” today while admitting her to our hospice program.  Grace, seventy years old, was diagnosed four weeks ago with Lung Cancer.  The cancer has already spread to her bones.  The doctors have informed her it may likely have also spread to her brain.  Grace was married twice over forty years ago.  She shared that her first husband beat her and the second husband had affairs.  Smartly, she divorced both of them.  

When I first walked into her home, Grace shared that she stopped drinking three months ago.  She also stopped smoking once she heard about the lung cancer.  Grace has such a strong personality that she was able to stop both habits on her own.  She is so truthful and openly verbalized how her choices may have strongly impacted her life today.  

Grace said what truly helps her cope is, “I pray every day.”  I have a strong suspicion that Grace’s parents were guided from above by naming her the perfect name.  It feels very spiritual.  I wish her well and know she will take her positive personality with her wherever she goes.

POSITIVE

 

She was just diagnosed four weeks ago.

The cancer has already spread.

She chose no further tests or treatment.

She is so aware of the actual facts.

 

She has had a very challenging life.

She’s been a smoker and drinker for many years.

She’s been divorced twice four decades ago.

The majority of her life, she’s been alone.

 

She had two children from her first marriage.

Unfortunately, both have preceded her in death.

One by murder, while the other suicide.

Undeniably, so out of order for her.

 

She sees life though, in such a positive way.

She speaks and lives her truth.

She has accepted her terminal diagnosis;

while strongly wanting to remain at home.

 

Near the end of our visit together,

I asked her if she had any fears or concerns.

Her reply touched and amazed me so

as her positive truth was so beautiful.

 

“If my kids were still alive,

it would be so hard to leave this Earth.

But now I am looking forward

to seeing both of my children again.”