ANGER

The hospice nurse and I first met, “Kimmy”, two days ago.  Kimmy’s mother, “Brenda”, had been in a nursing home for about one month for physical therapy after a fall.  The goal was for Brenda to work with the physical therapists in order to accomplish walking twenty feet.  Kimmy told her mother that when she walks twenty feet, she can come home. 

Brenda, at first, worked well with the therapist.  Once Brenda walked ten feet, she just stopped working with the therapist.  Kimmy so strongly believed that her mother “was just giving up on living”.  Brenda has suffered from depression for years.  Kimmy would speak so honestly about her mother, but with anger.  

Brenda was discharged from the nursing home today to home.  The hospice nurse and I went out to admit Brenda to hospice.    Kimmy was still holding onto her anger.  Hopefully, one day soon, she will come to some resolution regarding her mother’s health issues.

ANGER

 

She was angry when we met.

Angry that mom has given up.

“She promised she would never do this to me.

I suppose her words were false”.

 

Mom fell two months ago.

She was then hospitalized for urgent care.

She went to rehab for physical therapy.

“When you walk twenty feet, you can come home.”

 

She got to ten feet and then gave up.

She refused to do any more.

No longer talking or eating.

She is now bedridden; totally dependent.

 

She has cared for her mother her entire life.

She had to grow up way too fast.

Somehow; she was the mother in their relationship;

                    not the other way around.

 

Her grief has turned to anger.

She wants a logical answer as to why.

It is never rational as randomly occurs.

There are no clear answers for anyone.

 

She says she copes by distracting herself,

but I hope she finds some needed support.

Her anger may help release some wrath;

to lead her one day to comfort;

                     to embrace her inner peace.

 

TEQUILA

“Jason”, fifty-four years old, was diagnosed with liver disease just a few months ago.  Jason truthfully told us that he has been drinking a full bottle of Tequila for decades.  Jason was able to work until his recent diagnosis.  Jason is so real and tells his truth.  He has no regrets or concerns.  He has accepted his fate without any worries stating, “It is what it is”. 

Jason has been married to his wife, Sheila, for thirty-one years.  They have one son who lives locally, but Sheila is hesitant to ask her son for help stating, “He is so busy working”.  As Jason’s decline has been pretty rapid, it is putting more responsibility on Sheila.  She spoke about being “overwhelmed”, but is resistant to ask family or friends for help.  

During our visit, we spoke a lot about Jason’s health concerns and needs, but the last part of the visit was so beautiful.  Jason and Sheila spoke about their love for each other.  Their faces would light up as they spoke about their pure, unconditional love.  In addition, they told us some pretty cute and funny stories about their life together.  

They are a perfect example of what really is important in life for all of us.  If one has love, it so amazingly helps all of us to cope.  Loss is tremendously difficult and emotions do run high, but with love in the picture, the grief may become a bit lighter.  I wish Jason and Sheila the best.  I also want to thank them for welcoming us into their home while sharing their life with us. 

TEQUILA

 

He’s been drinking heavily for years.

“One bottle of Tequila a day”.

His body has lost the battle

as two months ago he heard;

                    Cirrhosis of the Liver.

 

He has declined rapidly since that time.

He is so weak; he needs a walker.

He is eating and drinking a minimal amount.

He is realistic and has easily accepted it all.

 

His focus is not on himself, but his wife

as he was just told, “Likely only a few months”.

He wants to make sure she will be okay.

His love for her is so real; so deep.

 

She wants him to eat more; drink some water,

but he just doesn’t want any of it.

He is ready to go, but she is tightly holding on.

She is appropriately not ready for him to die.

 

He tells us, “She is beautiful; she is wonderful;”

while she lovingly will say the same about him.

There is no criticism; no excuses;

                    no shame.

 

It is about the best gift of all;

pure unconditional love.

Nothing more; nothing less.

It just doesn’t get any better than that.

 

THIS IS SO WHY

I worked for Kaiser Hospital for over twenty-four years.  Half of that time in the Emergency Room while the other half in hospice.  I loved my work tremendously.  Spiritually I was led to Yolo Hospice eight years ago.  I wasn’t even looking for a job, but followed my heart and drove over for the interview. 

Walking into their lobby, I had no thought about quitting Kaiser.  Two hours after the job interview, Yolo called and offered me the job.  It was to do the admissions for their program.  I was a case manager at Kaiser which brings along a lot of responsibility and interruptions in one’s day.  Doing admissions gives me pleasure as the Admitting Department tells me the time and place of an admission and I go with the Admitting nurse.  I meet so many amazing people while getting to hear their stories.  I explain the hospice program while assessing their grief, their support and over all how things are going.  I then return to the office to document and then I am done and onto the next admission. 

I meet so many amazing, appreciative folks.  It doesn’t get any better.  The rewards are seeing grateful faces and hearing appreciative words routinely.  We all hear thank you so frequently, it is so wonderful.  I truly believe it is the little things that are profound.  We all walk in with our hearts while patients and families feel that love.  

This grieving husband gave me a priceless hug.  This is a perfect example of why I do what I do.  I will continue to do this work, until the time, which may or may not come, when it is my time to go.  I tell people, “When it becomes work, I will then go.” 

THIS IS SO WHY 

 

I, occasionally will get asked

similar questions now and then;

“When are you going to retire?

When are you going to quit?”

 

I retired eight years ago

from a job I totally loved.

I was spiritually led here

knowing it was my time to come.

 

I am honored to do what I do.

Wanting and needing our support,

folks graciously welcome us into their home.

Then thank us so deeply just for our presence.

 

They have been married for over fifty years.

An inter-racial, gay couple.

Becoming one in the prejudice 1970’s,

made them love each other even more.

 

His grief penetrated him so deeply.

I listened and validated what he had to say.

I didn’t say much but graciously

offered empathy and heartfelt support.

 

As I was leaving, he stopped me on the front porch.

He paused and stood quietly for a moment.

Then turning, he hugged me so tightly;

while trembling, he gently laid his head on my shoulder.

 

He was thanking me for my support

while giving me the greatest gift of all.

This is why I continue to do what I do.

               This is so why.

 

HARD WORKER

 “Jon”, seventy-three, was diagnosed with Bladder Cancer two years ago.  Coincidently, it was two weeks after his retirement.  Jon underwent chemotherapy and radiation, but his cancer continued to grow and metastasize.  Jon chose to stop treatment one month ago.  Since that time, he has become weaker and needing more help with his daily activities.  Jon can no longer ambulate and is bedridden.  He is dependent with all of his needs. 

Jon has been married for over fifty years.  They have three children and many grandchildren.  All of the family lives nearby and are very devoted to their father and to each other.  Jon’s daughter, “Anna”, told me that they have a “Joint Family”.  They all look out for each other.  It was so wonderful to hear their family stories of support and love. 

The family is struggling with Jon’s decline as he has always been a fighter.  The doctor had previously mentioned hospice over a year ago.  Jon and the family said no to hospice at that time.  Anna feels that her father is living because he is such a strong fighter. 

It appears that likely the family will all be shocked when Jon dies, but I know their love for each other and their strong faith will help them cope.  I believe that Jon isn’t the only “fighter” in this family.  They are strong!

HARD WORKER 

 

Coming to America thirty-five years ago,

his first concern was to support his family.

He was a professor in his home land,

while aware; that career likely was no more.

 

He labored in the fields, in a cannery

and the largest department store around.

Often working double shifts;

so focused on his family’s needs.

 

He retired two years ago last month.

Then, two weeks later, he heard the news.

“Chemotherapy and radiation are next

as it is cancer that has spread to your bones.”

 

These past two weeks have been dramatic.

His decline has been suddenly swift.

He is bedridden and not eating much at all.

It is so likely that his time is near.

 

The family cannot see his downturn as;

“He has forever been a fighter.

He has always had a strong will to live.

               He never gives up!”

 

He will continue to fight until the end

as that is how he handles difficult times.

He won’t go until he knows his family is okay;

as his focus is always to do what’s best for them.

 

He will live his life and manage his death

in the only way he knows how.

He will forevermore take care of his family,

as he is, and eternally will always be,

               a Hard Worker.