I WANT

We admitted, “Angela”, seventy-six, to hospice today.  Angela was diagnosed with Bile Duct Cancer four weeks ago.  It was also discovered, at that time, that her cancer had already spread to other organs.  The doctor informed Angela and her family that there was no treatment available. 

Angela lives with her husband, “Ted”; while her three children all live nearby.  This is a very close and supportive family.  The hospice nurse and I felt the love the moment we walked into their home. 

Angela has totally accepted her terminal diagnosis.  She is focused on what she wants and what she needs to do to help her through this challenging time.  Angela’s family, who were all present, were, appropriately struggling with this new diagnosis. 

Angela and her family were realistic regarding the diagnosis and poor prognosis.  Her three daughters were wanting information about hiring caregivers as are aware that Mom can no longer be home alone.  Ted was a few years older than Angela and needed help caring for her.  The family were rallying around for support, which was wonderful. 

Angela amazed me with her truth and her spirit.  She was realistic, but was focused on how she wanted to handle living with a terminal disease.  I so admired her strength and courage.  Her personality was contagious and I have no doubt that her family will deeply hear what she has to say and what she needs to do.  “Way to go, Angela!”

I WANT

 

She was just informed four weeks ago;

a terminal diagnosis with no option of a cure.

She’s readily accepted her poor prognosis;

more focused on what she needs to do.

 

Her family is struggling with the recent news,

trying to come to terms with what it all means.

They are not ready for her life to be cut short.

They are not yet ready to say “Goodbye”.

 

She has no fears about what is happening,

as her thoughts are on the reality of it all.

Her loving and supportive family gives her comfort,

while her strong Christian faith helps her cope.

 

She is very clear about what she wants.

“I want to be comfortable without any pain.

I want to be awake and aware

               with my family by my side.”

 

“I want help to live; not help to die.

I want to live like I will still be alive tomorrow.

God will take over when

               I can’t take it anymore.”

 

There will never be any confusion,

or ever any doubt about,

what she so dearly needs;

but mostly about what

               she so dearly wants.

                                 

 

  

AN INDEPENDENT SOUL

I met “Stella”, a ninety-five year old, who deeply touched my heart.  Stella has been very independent her entire life as never married or had children.  She has always lived alone allowing her the luxury of being strongly independent.  Stella’s actions in her home reflected that strength in her. 

When the hospice nurse and I asked her a few questions regarding paperwork, Stella knew exactly where to go to produce that paperwork.   Stella took a fall a month ago and has been weak since that time.  She struggled a bit walking with her walker, but it did not stop her from doing what she had to do during our visit. 

Stella knew she was becoming weaker and needing a bit more help this past month.  She so struggled with needing assistance from her niece, “Cathy”, who lived nearby.  This dependence triggered Stella’s thoughts about dying and the afterlife.  Stella’s spiritual words were deep from her heart and soul.  She was comfortable sharing them with me, which made them even more powerful.  

She sees death as a recovery from becoming dependent.  Her strong faith gives her peace and hope.  I wish you all the best Stella.  God bless you.

AN INDEPENDENT SOUL

 

The moment I walked into her home,

I was immediately drawn to her.

She embraced her life so fully,

knowing she always had complete control.

 

She’s never been married or had any kids;

which allowed her, for decades, to be on her own.

She took a fall just four weeks ago.

A catalyst that so completely;

               stole her autonomy away.

 

Weakness has made her less active;

making it more difficult to walk.

Her appetite is all but gone.

She eats because she knows she must.

 

She has always been so independent.

She’s never experienced anything else.

Her strong Christian faith, though, gives her hope,

               “God always knows what to do.”

 

She has no fears about dying

as feels it will save her from needing support.

“If God gives me life, or takes it away,

               I will be okay”.

 

Her biggest fear is dependency

as she’s never needed others to care for her.

As I was leaving, she turned and softly said,

“I so want to peacefully just die in my sleep.”

 

Truthful words from a very determined woman;

               An Independent Soul.

 

QUALITY OF LIFE

I did two hospice admissions today.  Both had a lot in common regarding their cancer journey and their readiness to “let go”.  Both were diagnosed with cancer only a few years ago.  “Diana”, fifty-two, was diagnosed with liver cancer only five years ago; while “Danny”, with his cancer just four years ago. 

Both have had a sudden and dramatic decline two weeks ago; to where they are both needing help with all of their daily needs.  Diana is still walking very slowly and very wobbly.  She is not safe without someone by her side holding onto her.  Danny, too, had been walking short distances in the same manner.

 Like Danny, Diana is no longer eating or drinking.  Danny is totally alert and able to express his wishes for this to be over.  Diana is confused and no longer talking.  Her mother, “Celeste”, is by her side, knowing her daughter’s time is short.  Celeste has had many losses in her life and knows what is coming.  It doesn’t ease her heartache and grief.  Likely her other losses may fly back like they all happened just yesterday.  Celeste’s husband died two years ago on hospice.  Celeste’s eldest daughter was murdered five years ago while at her place of work.  And then just recently, her three-month old grandson died of SIDS. 

Even though she is familiar with the emotions and grief of loss, it does not ease her pain of losing her second daughter.  Both patients have a similar health history.  The thing that amazed me the most is how both of these patients were such a perfect example of what we all need; and what neither has; Quality of Life.

 

QUALITY OF LIFE

 

Her cancer has been around for five years.

She had been doing quite well until

suddenly and dramatically, all has changed

               in just two weeks of time.

 

Her mother stays faithfully by her side;

knowing her time is coming near.

She’s familiar with the end-of-life process

as her husband died two years ago on hospice.

 

She has experienced many other losses in her life;

her eldest daughter; her youngest grandson.

“I’ll feel relief when my daughter goes

as she will no longer be suffering.”

 

He was diagnosed with cancer just four years ago.

He, too, was living his life and also doing quite well.

Again, in two weeks, all has suddenly changed.

He is no longer eating or walking; needing much more help.

 

His deep faith gives him hope of afterlife.

“Each day I am miserable.  It’s the same day after day.

I want all of this to be over.

               I am so ready to die”.

 

They are each experiencing the same thing

with not being able to manage their own needs.

Both likely missing and wanting so strongly;

something so powerful; so credible; so coveted;     

and yet so clearly needed,

                         Quality of Life.