"HE IS NOT DYING!"

“Allen”, eighty years old, has been suffering from lung disease for many years. He has had poor health for years secondary to a traumatic accident years ago. His decline has been slow over the years. Allen lives with his wife, “Sandra,” in their home with their two little puppies.

As the nurse and I were approaching Allen and Sandra’s front porch, Sandra came out onto the porch and snapped at us, “Are you Hospice?” She was angry that we were there and did not want to sit down with her husband to hear about our hospice program. This visit was scheduled as an informational visit only. I love doing informational visits about hospice as it educates folks about the beautiful support that comes with our program. So many mistakenly feel that when hospice shows up, their loved one dies quickly.

As we all sat down in their living room, Sandra spoke sharply about Allen’s recent hospitalization. Sandra appeared to be so unhappy and angry. I started out by normalizing her anger while validating her fears. Over the course of our one hour visit, Sandra started to mellow as she trusted us to understand her emotions in a non-judgmental manner.

Before long she was sharing stories of her years working on a Fish Processing Boat in the Baltic Sea. Her stories were fascinating and so interesting. She shared a lot of emotion while speaking of those days past.

It was then that Sandra’s big, beautiful heart did show as we were responding in such a positive way to her. I truly believe that intellectually Sandra knows the truth, but just cannot believe that her husband might be terminal. She is dramatically displaying her strong love for him. Beautiful!


“HE IS NOT DYING!"

"Are you Hospice?
Why are you here?
He is not dying!
I won't listen to you, but he can!"

We walked into their home.
Two puppies ran to our feet.
Our full attention on her dogs
softened her tone a wee bit.

His frailty shows he's been ill for years.
Spending his days sitting in his room.
Slowly walking with a cane.
          Content to just be.

We validated her fears.
We normalized her emotions.
Giving her permission to be angry.
Allowing her to be where she needed to be.

We gained her trust.
She began to feel safe with us.
She started to share life stories.
Her loving heart began to glow.

Intellectually she knows his prognosis is poor.
We are a strong reminder of that reality.
But emotionally she is fighting so hard
as she needs to truly believe,
          "He is not dying!"