BE A MAN

The hospice nurse and I went out to admit, "Charlie", eighty-eight years old, to our hospice program today. Charlie lives with his wife, "Glenda", with whom he has been married fifty-eight years. Charlie was his wife's caretaker as her health is poor.

One week ago, Charlie was doing fine and managing okay, when suddenly he was rushed to the hospital due to chest pain and having difficulty breathing. Charlie suffered a heart attack. It was then discovered that he had severe lung disease. Charlie refused any treatment and wanted to return home.

He was discharged home this morning. When the hospice nurse and I walked into Charlie's home, we met his wife and daughter, "Diana". Diana lives nearby and is very involved and supportive to her parents. Charlie was determined to continue to do his life like he has always done before, but with his weakness, he had a difficult time walking around.

Charlie shared that he did not want to live this way. He wants to be involved in his life and daily activities. He wants to take care of his wife. Charlie was very honest and straightforward. He saw life in a simple way. His primary focus was his definition of what it takes to be a man. Anything less than that was not an option for him.

He's had a history of a suicide attempt and hinted at that being an option for him today. His daughter has removed all the weapons from the home and has hired attendant care to help both of her parents. Family will closely monitor his medication in order to protect Charlie from attempting anything rash.

I respected Charlie for his honesty. He defined life pretty simply. His goal in life was to always, "Be a man".


BE A MAN

He was taught and raised,
with incredibly strong beliefs,
about what it takes
          to be a man.

He must always have the strength
to conceal any weakness,
while taking care of his family
no matter what life may bring.

He has beautifully taken care of her
for over the fifty years of their marriage.
Her health has declined; she needs his help.
He has always been there right by her side.

Now he, suddenly, needs some help.
His heart and lungs are wearing out.
His decline has been rapid and severe.
"I just don't want to live this way."

He was straightforward and honest,
while sharing his thoughts of suicide ideation.
He's had one unsuccessful suicide attempt years ago.
He feels that still is an option today.

I asked him about a verbal contract with me.
"Will you call our hospice if those thoughts again arise?"
He looked at me with a quiet smile,
"I can't make that contract with you?"

We hope to give him comfort and support.
It is a tough battle to fight as we are up against
someone knowing he will likely lose
in his overwhelming struggle to simply
          "Be a man." 

GO HOME

In addition to doing hospice admissions, we also will do "Informational Visits", whereby we inform patients and families about our services. I like doing these type of visits as it gives folks information about our services. So often, people perceive hospice to be all about death and dying. Yes, a patient has to be terminal, but I truly believe hospice is more about loving and living.

"John", seventy-one, had been admitted to the hospital after a fall in his home. John lives alone with his four dogs and tripped over one of the dogs. We were informed by the hospital staff that he was down twelve hours, but John stated to us that it was over twenty-four hours. I am sure it felt like an eternity to him while he was down.

John had been gruff and angry to the staff as he just wanted to be able to return home. John was now bedridden and weak. When he told me that he wanted to go home, I asked him, " How will you be able to manage that?" He had no answer.

My voice became soft while I spoke with John. He, too, had this soft, gentle voice. So much had happened to him during his life. He coped the best way he knew how. John was exposed to Agent Orange during the Vietnam War. John never wanted to have children as he did not want them to become exposed. That information, to me, truly showed his heart.

I held his hand while I thanked him for serving in the Marines. I validated his military experience. That meant a lot to him I know because as I left I added, "I hope our paths will cross again some day." He answered softly, "Me too".

I believe the best thing I did for him was to acknowledge his service to our country. He truly is a perfect example of, "All gave some. Some gave all". God Bless you John.


GO HOME　

He's lived alone for years.
Just he and his four dogs.
Marines; Vietnam; Agent Orange; PTSD.
Life has not been easy for him.

He was just told his cancer has returned.
He knows that it's probably not long.
There is no one around to help care for him.
He is aware, but still wants to stay at home.

He fell and was down twelve hours.
He says it felt like it was days.
His friend finally came and found him.
He can't walk; no longer able to return home.

He's resigned himself to go to a nursing home
wishing to regain his strength.
Although knowing likely it may not happen,
he still has hope to be able to get back home.

His life is flowing a route he would never have chosen.
So much is going wrong.
He remains soft spoken and gentle while sharing,
          "I just want to be able to
                   Go Home."

"HE IS NOT DYING!"

“Allen”, eighty years old, has been suffering from lung disease for many years. He has had poor health for years secondary to a traumatic accident years ago. His decline has been slow over the years. Allen lives with his wife, “Sandra,” in their home with their two little puppies.

As the nurse and I were approaching Allen and Sandra’s front porch, Sandra came out onto the porch and snapped at us, “Are you Hospice?” She was angry that we were there and did not want to sit down with her husband to hear about our hospice program. This visit was scheduled as an informational visit only. I love doing informational visits about hospice as it educates folks about the beautiful support that comes with our program. So many mistakenly feel that when hospice shows up, their loved one dies quickly.

As we all sat down in their living room, Sandra spoke sharply about Allen’s recent hospitalization. Sandra appeared to be so unhappy and angry. I started out by normalizing her anger while validating her fears. Over the course of our one hour visit, Sandra started to mellow as she trusted us to understand her emotions in a non-judgmental manner.

Before long she was sharing stories of her years working on a Fish Processing Boat in the Baltic Sea. Her stories were fascinating and so interesting. She shared a lot of emotion while speaking of those days past.

It was then that Sandra’s big, beautiful heart did show as we were responding in such a positive way to her. I truly believe that intellectually Sandra knows the truth, but just cannot believe that her husband might be terminal. She is dramatically displaying her strong love for him. Beautiful!


“HE IS NOT DYING!"

"Are you Hospice?
Why are you here?
He is not dying!
I won't listen to you, but he can!"

We walked into their home.
Two puppies ran to our feet.
Our full attention on her dogs
softened her tone a wee bit.

His frailty shows he's been ill for years.
Spending his days sitting in his room.
Slowly walking with a cane.
          Content to just be.

We validated her fears.
We normalized her emotions.
Giving her permission to be angry.
Allowing her to be where she needed to be.

We gained her trust.
She began to feel safe with us.
She started to share life stories.
Her loving heart began to glow.

Intellectually she knows his prognosis is poor.
We are a strong reminder of that reality.
But emotionally she is fighting so hard
as she needs to truly believe,
          "He is not dying!"