"Elizabeth", ninety-one, suffered from Alzheimer's Disease for years. She was widowed and resided in an Assisted Living Complex. Elizabeth needed help with all of her activities of daily living.
I met Elizabeth several months ago when we admitted her to our hospice program. The facility had the policy of leaving the resident's room doors open. A black cat lived in the facility and spent many hours in Elizabeth's room. Throughout the Admission Visit, the cat slept on Elizabeth's lap. Elizabeth found pure joy having that cat nearby.
Elizabeth was so adorable as she would try to keep up with the conversation around her. She struggled due to her forgetfulness; but even then, she had an easy smile.
Elizabeth died peacefully three days ago. I called Elizabeth's daughter, "Cynthia" to offer condolences. The words Cynthia used to describe her mother's final moments were beautiful. That special moment spoke loudly about how wonderful a person Elizabeth was and how well she raised her three children. It was a beautiful reflection upon all of them.
THEIR FINAL GOODBYE
She was a good mom.
She raised the three of them so well
That's why they were there by her side
to say their final goodbye.
She had been ill for quite a while,
although her decline had been slow.
Confusion and forgetfulness came first;
little by little slowing her down.
She was always in a good mood.
Not much made her sad.
No matter how dependent she became,
she always had a quick smile for all.
Her daughter was holding her hand.
All three were "clustered around".
"It was a real touching moment
when she took her final breath."
They found peace; they found comfort.
"It was the best experience you could have.
A real touching moment.
All the love was there".
Her disease process took years.
A very slow decline.
In the end, "It happened pretty quickly".
Finding beauty in the sadness of
Their Final Goodbye.
Sunday, April 29, 2018
Sunday, April 22, 2018
ALWAYS
The hospice nurse and I admitted "Theresa", ninety-one, to our hospice program three days ago. Theresa lives in an Assisted Living Environment as she needs help with all of her daily needs. Theresa was eating lunch in the dining room when we arrived. We were meeting with Theresa's two children; her daughter, "Terri", and son, "Paul", who were sitting with mom. Theresa produced this beautiful smile when we walked up. She was so welcoming to the two of us, although did not understand who we were.
After a few moments, we all excused ourselves and went into a meeting room nearby to discuss hospice supports and criteria. Terri and Paul had such diverse personalities. As high energy and anxious Terri was, Paul was so calm and relaxed. Terri visits mom daily and stated that she has given up a lot of her life to be there for her mother. Paul lives out of state and visits for several weeks every two months or so.
Both of the children wanted what was best for mom, but totally disagreed on how to achieve that goal. We sat with them for over two hours explaining hospice support. Terri kept interrupting her brother and he, attempting to stay calm, would let her talk. By the end of our visit, the two of them were quarreling with each other. Paul said that the two of them never got along. But the one wonderful thing was, they both did agree on what was best for their mom.
Paul shared that his mother asked him if he would continue to visit after she is gone. He was surprised by her question, but answered it by what he thought she would want to hear. I shared with the both of them that their mom will let go when her work is done. She wants to make sure her two children will be okay.
Today, three days later, Paul called to share how impressed he was by what I told him about "Mom will always be a mom." It gave him some peace.
ALWAYS
She's been demented for years,
although recently in a decline.
She remembers years past,
but can't recall eating lunch.
Both her children are devoted to her.
They want to do what's best.
She lives nearby and sees mom daily.
He routinely visits from out of state.
He and his sister travel two different paths.
She is a worrier, anxious and concerned.
He, on the other hand, is calm, relaxed.
He's taught meditation for years.
Mom has some awareness of her decline.
She's talked about her dying, asking him,
"Will you still come visit
after I am gone?"
He was surprised by her question.
He didn't know what to say,
but told her what she wanted to hear,
"Yes, of course, I will still come out."
I said that even though she is confused.
Even though she doesn't understand.
In the end, she'll continue to perpetually
worry about the two of you.
As after all, she will always,
and forevermore continue
to be your mom.
After a few moments, we all excused ourselves and went into a meeting room nearby to discuss hospice supports and criteria. Terri and Paul had such diverse personalities. As high energy and anxious Terri was, Paul was so calm and relaxed. Terri visits mom daily and stated that she has given up a lot of her life to be there for her mother. Paul lives out of state and visits for several weeks every two months or so.
Both of the children wanted what was best for mom, but totally disagreed on how to achieve that goal. We sat with them for over two hours explaining hospice support. Terri kept interrupting her brother and he, attempting to stay calm, would let her talk. By the end of our visit, the two of them were quarreling with each other. Paul said that the two of them never got along. But the one wonderful thing was, they both did agree on what was best for their mom.
Paul shared that his mother asked him if he would continue to visit after she is gone. He was surprised by her question, but answered it by what he thought she would want to hear. I shared with the both of them that their mom will let go when her work is done. She wants to make sure her two children will be okay.
Today, three days later, Paul called to share how impressed he was by what I told him about "Mom will always be a mom." It gave him some peace.
ALWAYS
She's been demented for years,
although recently in a decline.
She remembers years past,
but can't recall eating lunch.
Both her children are devoted to her.
They want to do what's best.
She lives nearby and sees mom daily.
He routinely visits from out of state.
He and his sister travel two different paths.
She is a worrier, anxious and concerned.
He, on the other hand, is calm, relaxed.
He's taught meditation for years.
Mom has some awareness of her decline.
She's talked about her dying, asking him,
"Will you still come visit
after I am gone?"
He was surprised by her question.
He didn't know what to say,
but told her what she wanted to hear,
"Yes, of course, I will still come out."
I said that even though she is confused.
Even though she doesn't understand.
In the end, she'll continue to perpetually
worry about the two of you.
As after all, she will always,
and forevermore continue
to be your mom.
Saturday, April 14, 2018
I AM SO SAD
A co-worker was diagnosed with cancer two months ago. After weeks of tests, she will be having chemotherapy this week. Yesterday I drove her to the clinic to have a port placed for those treatments. Driving to pick her up, I felt so thankful that she knew I would be there for her. It was humbling, but also a wonderful feeling. Along with those feelings, I also feel very sad for what she has to go through these next months.
She and my friendship is so based on sarcasm and humor. The two of us laugh a lot when we are together. I am seeing a new side of her. She is sharing her heart and her soul with lots of tears. It has connected us on a deeper level. We work for an amazing agency as every single one of us under that roof are there for each other. It is our family for sure. She is adamantly embracing that love and support.
Today, I am feeling so sad about it all. Thoughts of my friend, Kate, who died twenty years ago of cancer, are flooding emotionally to me like it was yesterday. I am surprised as I have not felt that grief so strongly for many years.
I was part of a group of friends/caregivers for Kate. I did drive Kate to treatment a lot. I think driving my co-worker to treatment triggered the same emotions. This will be another learning chapter in my co-worker's and my life. Embrace the love and the knowledge. I feel so many emotions; many wonderful, but overall, I feel such sadness. I am so appreciative, though, that my friend is traveling her journey surrounded by love. We all wish her well.
I AM SO SAD
My thoughts were of appreciation.
So thankful I could help her.
Honored that she had asked,
but still saddened by it all.
I drove her to the clinic.
I waited nearby while thoughts
of my friend Kate's death
whispered softly by my side.
I am surprised by my emotions.
It has been over twenty years,
but the grief has rapidly returned.
Reruns of time past.
I know her journey will be challenging,
wherever her road may go.
It also will be nourishment for all of us
to flourish our souls.
For that I am grateful,
I am truly blessed.
But then again,
I am so sad.
She and my friendship is so based on sarcasm and humor. The two of us laugh a lot when we are together. I am seeing a new side of her. She is sharing her heart and her soul with lots of tears. It has connected us on a deeper level. We work for an amazing agency as every single one of us under that roof are there for each other. It is our family for sure. She is adamantly embracing that love and support.
Today, I am feeling so sad about it all. Thoughts of my friend, Kate, who died twenty years ago of cancer, are flooding emotionally to me like it was yesterday. I am surprised as I have not felt that grief so strongly for many years.
I was part of a group of friends/caregivers for Kate. I did drive Kate to treatment a lot. I think driving my co-worker to treatment triggered the same emotions. This will be another learning chapter in my co-worker's and my life. Embrace the love and the knowledge. I feel so many emotions; many wonderful, but overall, I feel such sadness. I am so appreciative, though, that my friend is traveling her journey surrounded by love. We all wish her well.
I AM SO SAD
My thoughts were of appreciation.
So thankful I could help her.
Honored that she had asked,
but still saddened by it all.
I drove her to the clinic.
I waited nearby while thoughts
of my friend Kate's death
whispered softly by my side.
I am surprised by my emotions.
It has been over twenty years,
but the grief has rapidly returned.
Reruns of time past.
I know her journey will be challenging,
wherever her road may go.
It also will be nourishment for all of us
to flourish our souls.
For that I am grateful,
I am truly blessed.
But then again,
I am so sad.
Saturday, April 7, 2018
TWENTY MINUTES
We opened an elderly patient to hospice yesterday. Today, our hospice nurse was with him all day trying to control his pain. The patient was moaning and crying out with any movement. I was asked to go over to give the nurse and the patient's daughter some support.
When I arrived, the nurse told me that they had called the paramedics. She strongly felt that the patient needed to go to the ER where, hopefully, his pain would be better controlled. The patient's daughter, "Emily", was her father's agent on his Advanced Directive. The patient was confused which automatically made Emily his spokesperson.
Once the paramedics arrived, they started to ask Emily so many questions. Emily knew her father's wishes of comfort care and no extraordinary measures. Emily turned to me as was upset because she thought they implied that she was wrong. I encouraged her to continue to be the strong advocate for her father. He chose her because he trusted her to express and follow his wishes.
Emily turned and hugged me so tightly thanking me for my words of encouragement. I was so amazed and honored that I was able to help and support her in only a few moments. It is humbling to have been able to find the right words for her and to be able to be with her at just the right moment. Spirituality at its best in only twenty minutes.
TWENTY MINUTES
The nurse was with him all day.
His pain was out of control.
She and the doctors struggled
with finding what medication to use.
Arriving only a few moments before the paramedics,
I went over to give support to his daughter.
Immediately they started to ask her questions.
Their reactions upset her greatly.
She felt they thought she was wrong.
I shared, "Medical staff often want curative steps.
Many do not understand hospice philosophy,
patient's wishes or comfort care."
I spoke about being her father's advocate.
"He trusts you to follow his wishes.
You are rightly handling things.
Keep doing what you are doing,"
She hugged me so long and so tight.
Thanking me for my validation and support.
It was only a twenty minute visit,
solid proof that confirmation and support
doesn't have to take very long.
When I arrived, the nurse told me that they had called the paramedics. She strongly felt that the patient needed to go to the ER where, hopefully, his pain would be better controlled. The patient's daughter, "Emily", was her father's agent on his Advanced Directive. The patient was confused which automatically made Emily his spokesperson.
Once the paramedics arrived, they started to ask Emily so many questions. Emily knew her father's wishes of comfort care and no extraordinary measures. Emily turned to me as was upset because she thought they implied that she was wrong. I encouraged her to continue to be the strong advocate for her father. He chose her because he trusted her to express and follow his wishes.
Emily turned and hugged me so tightly thanking me for my words of encouragement. I was so amazed and honored that I was able to help and support her in only a few moments. It is humbling to have been able to find the right words for her and to be able to be with her at just the right moment. Spirituality at its best in only twenty minutes.
TWENTY MINUTES
The nurse was with him all day.
His pain was out of control.
She and the doctors struggled
with finding what medication to use.
Arriving only a few moments before the paramedics,
I went over to give support to his daughter.
Immediately they started to ask her questions.
Their reactions upset her greatly.
She felt they thought she was wrong.
I shared, "Medical staff often want curative steps.
Many do not understand hospice philosophy,
patient's wishes or comfort care."
I spoke about being her father's advocate.
"He trusts you to follow his wishes.
You are rightly handling things.
Keep doing what you are doing,"
She hugged me so long and so tight.
Thanking me for my validation and support.
It was only a twenty minute visit,
solid proof that confirmation and support
doesn't have to take very long.
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