A MOTHER

“Diana” was diagnosed with uterine cancer three months ago on her forty-first birthday. Diana has been in the hospital for several days and initiated the hospice referral herself. Diana wants to be able to control everything. She has had so many losses due to her illness, that she, like any of us, wants to be able to keep control as much as she can.

The hospice nurse and I went out to the hospital to admit Diana to hospice. We met with Diana and her mother, “Shelly”. The nurse will make the arrangements for Diana to be discharged home this afternoon. The plan is for Shelly to move in and care for her daughter for the duration. Diana is single and has no children. Diana has two siblings and a three year old nephew. This is a small, but close family. Diana’s brother is also moving in to help out with his sister‘s care. Diana’s sister is eight months pregnant and is limited in what she is able to do.

Diana has a PhD in Sociology and handles her emotions intellectually. Shelly says that her daughter has always been very stoic and accepting of whatever comes her way. When I asked Diana how she is coping, she says she has such a good family and friend network that she is doing fine. She focuses on the tasks that are needed to be done.

Shelly, on the other hand, was appropriately tearful. While the nurse was attending to Diana, Shelly and I spoke at the foot of her daughter’s bed. Shelly was bragging on her daughter’s accomplishments which embarrassed her daughter. Diana does not like her mother talking about her as she said “Mom, take it outside in the hallway.”

Shelly then started to talk about how she would do anything to help her daughter, even die for her. Shelly and I talked about how this is somehow all out of order. No parent should ever have to attend a child’s funeral. Shelly was very open and honest with her emotions. She is angry at the doctors for not diagnosing her daughter sooner. She also feels so helpless as there is nothing she can do to save her daughter.

I listened to her and told her how normal all of her feelings were. So much of what she said, I could relate on one level, but then could not even imagine such pain. She then got tearful and I gave her a hug. She then crumbled into my arms and just sobbed. Shelly, too, needs a mother who can nurture her. No matter what age, any of us do need nurturing now and then.

Hopefully when Diana gets home tonight with her friends and family around, she, Shelly and all can get the support and care they all so need. I wish them well.

ADDENDUM: Diana died peacefully four days later with her family at the bedside.
　


A MOTHER

　
Her heart is breaking.
This is all too new; too fast.
A mother watching her child die.
I cannot even imagine. 

She is my age; my generation.
Her daughter could as easily been mine.
Somehow it is all out of order.
“I would do anything for her.”

With so many obtrusive emotions,
it is hard to sort her feelings out.
Sorrow, anger, helplessness.
Nothing can take her pain away.

She needs to share her feelings,
but what words can she use?
Her daughter handles things so differently.
She is in a totally different space.

I listened to her anger.
I listened to her grief.
She cried while I held her.
Tenderness no words can replace.

She will be by her daughter’s side.
She will put her daughter’s needs first.
After all she is,
       and forevermore
              will always be
                     a perfect Mother.