DRIVE

Fifty-eight year old “Joseph” suffers from liver cancer. He retired two years ago from his job at a janitorial service company. Six weeks later, he was diagnosed with his cancer. Joseph is divorced and had lived alone for years. He has a very strong, independent personality and feels that his family see him as weak as they do not want him to drive. Joseph moved in with his daughter, “Vicky”, and her family three weeks ago as he could no longer live alone. He is getting weaker and is needing more and more help.

Joseph is on strong pain medication which makes him wobbly when he walks. Appropriately his family does not want him to drive. Joseph parks his small pickup truck in this daughter’s driveway. Several times he has snuck out to drive to a nearby grocery store. Nothing can sway Joseph to realize the risk he is taking with himself and others.

Eighty-two year old “Marie, suffers from lung cancer. Marie is widowed and lives with her fifty-one year old mentally disabled son, “Ben”. Ben is high functioning, but needs constant supervision. Marie’s only other family is a son who lives in Australia. Marie has a very close friend, “Roberta”, who lives nearby and is “family” to Marie and Ben.

When it gets to the point where Marie can no longer be alone, Roberta will care for her full time. Roberta also plans on becoming the guardian to Ben and will move permanently into Marie’s home. Marie had a birthday two months ago. Marie said that is when she stopped driving as feared she could not pass the driving test. She hates asking her friends to drive her around, but felt she had no other choice.

“George”, ninety-one, moved into an Assisted Living Center two months ago. George suffers from colon cancer. George’s wife died one year ago. George said it was soon after that he was diagnosed. George says he is ready to go as had a good life. He shared a lot of stories about he and his wife’s travels all over the world.

George has two daughters, both out of the area. One daughter, “Janet”, lives in a nearby state, and handles all of his business and legal issues. Another daughter, “Debbie” lives a few hours north and can be “pushy and bossy” per George. George says he had been driving less and less over the past few months. He was thinking that it wasn’t going to be long before he had to sell his car and give up driving altogether. It was about that time Debbie visited and demanded that her father give up his driver’s license. He went along as knew it was probably close to the time he would have made that choice himself, but resents her intrusion.

All three stories are a bit different, but the end result is the same. Throughout life, we all suffer losses and limitations that are easy to adapt to as it involves a minor adjustment most often. Driving is huge for anyone and a tremendous loss.


DRIVE
　

　
Joseph has always loved to drive.
To just head out on a whim.
Independent, free, adventuresome.
But not now, with family hovering nearby.

Marie drove until her last birthday.
She knew she couldn’t pass the driving test.
With a disabled son, she needs to get around.
Now resigned; asking friends for help.

George had been driving less and less for months.
He knew time was near to sell his car.
His daughter demanded he no longer drive.
Some resentment still hangs around.

A driver’s license gives autonomy.
Getting from one place to another with ease.
It has to be so difficult to give it up.
Another reminder, of yet, one more loss.

One thinks he can still drive,
but the medication is way too strong.
Facing reality, she made a tough choice.
Another resents that the decision was made for him.

No matter what the reason,
driving represents freedom, independence.
Turning in one’s license
         symbolizes the start
                  of so many more losses
                           that are yet to come. 

A PUPPY KNOWS

Seventy-six year old “Virginia” suffers from lung cancer that has spread to her brain. Virginia has been widowed for eleven years. She lives alone with “Benji”, her thirteen year old puppy. Benji was two when he was given to Virginia by a family member who could not keep him.

Virginia and Benji have always been close. It is like Benji knows she saved him. I first met Benji and Virginia two weeks ago when Virginia’s health took a rapid decline. Benji is a small white terrier. He will greet visitors and then return to his bed in the living room to nap.

Virginia needs constant care now. Her son, “Lenny” has come from Oregon to stay with his mom. Lenny is the family caregiver. He has helped multiple, elderly family members through bouts of illness and death. He has a huge heart and wouldn’t have it any other way. His sister, “Cassandra” lives locally and is over every day as well.

Four days ago, Virginia stopped eating and drinking. It appears she is imminent. Since that time, Cassandra is sleeping over and not leaving as wants to help her brother with mom’s care. The two children are devoted to Virginia. It melts one’s heart to see the tenderness they both give to their mother.

I did a visit today and Virginia was in a deep sleep. Benji was sleeping on the bed next to her. It is like Benji knows that his master is failing. Somehow one can see it in his eyes. Cassandra was sharing how they are considering putting Benji down as it might be too hard on him, with his failing health and age, to deal with moving to a new home without Virginia around.

Dogs seem to have a a natural understanding about death. When it is time, then it is okay. My thought is that if Benji could talk, he would want to be cremated and buried with his master. Dogs are that devoted. Heaven is perfection and for Virginia, I wouldn’t be surprised if her perfection included Benji. Hopefully one day, we will all know.


A PUPPY KNOWS
　
　

He was a rescue dog.
They’ve been together for years.
It has always been the two of them.
You’ll seldom find one without the other.

It seems he’s aware things have changed.
It’s like he knows her time is short.
He seldom will leave her side now.
Sleeping next to her in the hospital bed.

They know he will miss her.
It will be hard on him with her gone.
He will wait for her by the front window.
It will break their hearts to see him yearn.

He‘s getting older and slowing down.
He‘s not as active as he once was.
He’s been sick this past year as well.
The loss of her may be too much for him.

He only knows she has always been there.
They want to do the right thing for him.
They are planning on putting him down
so the two of them,
       for eternity,
              will never be
                     one without the other.

HEAVEN

Sixty-eight year old “Julia”, was diagnosed one month ago with lung cancer that has spread to her bones. The doctors told her that there was no treatment for her as the cancer had already spread too far.

Julia was widowed seven years ago and had been living alone. Once she was diagnosed, she moved in with her eldest son, “Shawn”. Shawn works nights as a chef and is available during the day to care for his mom. Shawn’s wife works days and is able to care for her mother-in-law while Shawn is at work. Julia has two other sons who visit routinely and help out as well. This is a very close, devoted family.

I first met Julia two weeks ago when she was new to hospice. She was able to walk with some assistance, but was safe to be left alone for a few hours at a time. I was shocked at how much she had declined when I saw her today. She was sitting up in her wheelchair, but looked so weak.

Shawn says she is hardly eating much at all anymore. Julia now needs help with all of her activities. Shawn is going to take leave in order to be home full time to be with his mom. All know that her time is getting close.

Whenever I walk into a home, I just let go and let the patient and family guide me. I also let go to allow my higher power in to also guide me. Thoughts and words often pop into my head. I trust it and go with it and, always, it happens to be the right thing to say at that particular moment. I know that I am a vessel and spirit is guiding me. Julia started to talk about her dying. She had so many questions about what heaven would be like and what awaits her. I was honored to then share my story about heaven with her.

Almost six months ago, I suffered from a gangrenous, ruptured appendix. I had an out-of-body experience while in the Emergency Room. I shared my story with Julia, clarifying that it was my perception of an amazing experience.

I know and believe Julia will be fine and will be meeting with her husband when she crosses over. We all have loved ones waiting for our arrival some day. I feel so blessed to have gotten a small peek. A small, amazing peek.

Addendum: Julia died peacefully four days after my visit. Her questions about heaven are no longer an unknown. I wish her peace.

HEAVEN
　

It has almost been six months
since I got a glimpse of heaven.
It was such an incredible experience,
but at the time, it felt so normal.

I feel a strong need to share my story.
I just can’t let it lie.
It is too amazing to keep it quiet,
but what is it for me to do?

She was just diagnosed a month ago,
but her decline has been quick.
She told me, “I know I am dying.
I am getting so very weak.”

She started talking about heaven,
wondering what awaits her.
She has Christian beliefs about God,
but was puzzled about what’s next.

I told her about my experience.
How I got a small peek of the other side.
I told her that it was a natural phenomenon.
If I stayed I would have been okay.

She thanked me for telling her,
adding, “I feel so much better.”
Maybe such a profound experience,
is meant to leave its amazing impact;
         one individual soul at a time. 

CAREGIVER

Eighty-three year old “Oscar” suffers from end stage lung disease. He is on continuous oxygen and gets short of breath so easily, which limits his ability to manage any of his needs. Oscar lives with “Deb”, his wife of thirty-two years. Deb is fifteen years younger than Oscar, but she says that he is her soul mate. The two met doing what they love; painting. Both paint water colors and their art is displayed throughout their home.

Deb has no time for painting these days as Oscar is getting weaker. He gets so short of breath with any activity. Deb needs to help Oscar constantly throughout each day. Oscar has three sons; although none live nearby and are limited in their support. Deb feels the total burden of caring for Oscar.

During my visit today, it was obvious how upset Deb was. She started to slowly cry while struggling to share something. Deb is very intellectual and categorizes her emotions. She feels productive only when doing a task. She says she feels so helpless as she cannot make Oscar better. I told her that that is not her responsibility as no one has that power. I shared how the task of “being there” is tremendous support for Oscar. I added that her presence is huge for Oscar, to which he quickly nodded his head up and down to strongly agree.

Deb then started to cry saying she has nothing left to give. I spoke about the benefits of caregiver self care and the importance of her having routine breaks. Fortunately, there is funds to pay for attendant care. When I spoke of hiring someone several hours each week, Deb perked up. She liked that idea. I gave her a few referrals and she said she was going to call today. Her whole demeanor changed from sadness to lightheartedness.

She is a great caregiver and, I know, with some weekly support, she will continue to help Oscar for the duration. No one really understands the demands of being a full time caregiver until they have done it themselves. I truly believe that caregivers will jump to the front of the line when it is their time to cross over. God bless them all.

CAREGIVER
　
　

His strength is getting zapped.
He is getting weaker day by day.
He gets short of breath so easily now.
He needs her help with everything.

It causes both of them guilt.
He for asking; she for negative thoughts.
It’s obvious their love for each other;
but both are just getting worn-out.

She had a meltdown today.
Tears flowing, not wanting to admit
her depression; her shame.
“I need a break! I can’t go on!”

She feels trapped; he helpless.
Both are not getting enough sleep.
Nerves are raw; tempers short.
They don’t know what to do.

We talked about being a caregiver.
How guilt can overcome us all.
The benefits of caregiver self care.
Let’s get her some needed breaks.

She heard what I was saying.
No one can or should have to do it all.
With additional help in the home,
I know she will continue to be
         an amazing caregiver.

SMALL BLESSINGS

“Rick”, ninety-three suffers from lung cancer that has spread to his bones. Rick is widowed and has two children. Rick recently moved into an Assisted Living Complex as he was declining and needed the additional help. The staff check on him hourly helping him with his needs.

Rick’s two children live locally and both visit daily. Rick loves the company. He also has many friends of all ages, who visit frequently. Rick was in World War II and talks about Okinawa. He says he was blessed as came through the war unscathed. He also shared that he went to school on the GI bill and got a free education because of his military service. He talks about his gratitude for that gift of an education. Rick says he has always looked at the positives in his life.

Rick spends most of his day in his hospital bed lying down as it helps his neck pain. Rick wears a neck brace and moves slowly to ease his pain. Rick is quick to smile when you walk into his room. He loves telling his life stories. His stories are full of positive moments and blessings.

Due to Rick’s cancer spreading to his bone, his life is very limited. When I asked him what keeps him going each day, he answered by telling me that he plans each day for the next. He has simple plans; like finishing the cold beer he started yesterday or writing one more paragraph in the letter he has started to his granddaughter living in Mexico. He takes great pleasure in the small tasks that he plans each day.

Rick is a very wise ninety-three year old. We can all learn from him. It is the simple things in life that are often profound. Rick is a living example of how true that is for all of us.


SMALL BLESSINGS

　
He has had a very productive life.
He’s fulfilled most every dream.
Family and friends always nearby.
He appreciates the life he has had.

Currently things are a challenge for him.
The cancer is winning the war.
It may be slowing his body down,
but his spirit remains on a constant high.

He doesn’t let much get him down.
He counts his blessings; the big and the small.
He enjoys a card game, an ice cold beer;
a friend’s phone call; a granddaughter’s letter.

He plans each day for the following one.
A reason to get up next morning.
Answer that letter, finish his beer.
Motivation to face one more day.

He lights up when sharing life stories.
He refuses to focus on any sadness or doubt.
He would rather appreciate the small blessings
in each and every one of his remarkable days.