F**K

Sixty-eight year old “Judy” suffered from lung cancer. Judy’s daughter, “Kim” moved in to help her mother out. Judy was a very independent soul and was used to being on her own. Fortunately, she was realistic regarding her slow decline and increasing needs.

As Judy slowly declined, she accepted her daughter into her home to help care for her. Judy was on continuous oxygen and used a walker to get around. Kim lived in Europe and had her own health issues, although totally capable and able to care for her mother. Kim gave up her life in Europe with her husband and stayed with mom for months.

There was always a lot of drama and chaos in the home. If something was going to go wrong, it would always go wrong. Each incident would bring out high energy. It also would bring out lots of laughter and humor. The hospice nurse and I had a difficult time keeping our professional boundaries with these two as they would always crack us up. We started to call them “The Kim and Judy Show.” They got a big kick out of that.

Judy had been paying for long term care insurance for years through her employer. Judy and Kim were both very detailed and organized with paperwork. When Judy decided to start using an attendant through the agency, they completed the proper paperwork.

I made a visit one day and found Kim sitting on the couch so angry with the agency. Every other work was f**k. I questioned her about what was going on and offered to call the agency myself to clarify things. I spoke with the agency for about a half an hour and understood what paperwork was needed. The agency was very particular regarding documenting exactly what the attendant did during their visit.

Things all worked out to everyone’s delight. Judy died about a month later. There are some patients I will never forget. When I think of Judy and Kim, I always have a smile. Likely I always will.


F**K

　
I am going to miss those two.
Ongoing drama and high energy.
They would pull you in so easily,
then they would make you laugh.

Nothing ever seemed easy with them.
Nothing just flowed calmly along.
They would get frustrated and angry.
Next thing though, both would start to laugh.

Mom had long term care insurance.
She made premiums for years.
Now they won’t reimburse her
for the hours that she already paid.

I walked in and found her swearing.
Every other word was f**k.
She was frustrated and angry.
Relieved when I offered to help.

After a thirty minute phone call,
I found out what they needed to do.
I would help them with the paperwork.
Things were starting to get resolved.

After I hung up the phone,
she looked at me so seriously.
Quietly she said, “I was really impressed.
You didn’t say f**k once”.   

OPPOSITES ATTRACT

Sixty-three year old, “Penny” suffers from end stage breast cancer which has spread to her brain. She came onto hospice six weeks ago when there were no longer any options available for her. She was diagnosed two years ago, choosing not to have surgery. She was a strong believer in healthy living and wanted to try holistic approaches to treating her cancer.

Penny lives with “Ted”, her husband of twenty years. Ted is rough around the edges and laughs so easily. His humor is sarcastic and crude at times, but with his quick smile, one easily forgives him for his often tactless words. Penny and Ted have no children or close family members. They have a large network of close friends who are a tremendous support to the couple.

Penny is soft spoken, while Ted loud and boisterous. Penny has never drank anything stronger than tea, while Ted drinks beer and whiskey routinely. She is a purist while he is “down and dirty.” Somehow their differences work well for them.

Penny has declined rapidly these past two weeks to where she is now bedridden and has stopped eating. She is so weak, it is difficult to understand her as her voice is very soft. There are times when she just stares into space and is not present. Ted is struggling with Penny’s decline as wants to make things better for her. One can see it in his face and eyes. He’ll cover his emotions by making a joke.

The two are a perfect example at how opposites attract and how well it can work out. They both respect each other for qualities they don’t see in themselves. That, and with the humor in the home, how could it not work out. They are perfect examples of how love will always prevail.


OPPOSITES ATTRACT
　

He has a sarcastic sense of humor.
He is as crusty as they come.
He is loud spoken and acts tough;
wanting you to believe he is okay.

He is brutally honest about himself,
claiming to drink daily; twelve cans of beer.
It’s the only way he knows how to cope,
while watching his wife slowly slip away.

She was an herbalist by trade.
Only organic and holistic measures for her.
Focusing on purity for good health.
She has always lived those steadfast beliefs.

There is no doubt they love each other.
Her eyes light up as he speaks.
She will smile easily at his cynical jokes,
even ones directed at her.

Her spiritual beliefs erase any fears.
She knows where she is going.
He is not sure if there is afterlife.
He only knows she will be gone.

They accept each other as they are,
although on opposite sides of any spectrum.
One thing that is so clear though,
when love is involved,
          opposites will naturally attract.

JUST A CAP

Eighty-six year old, “Helena” was diagnosed four months ago with pancreatic cancer. Helena came onto hospice as the treatment was no longer effective. Helena did not like the side affects of the treatment, which left her tired and ill.

Helena is widowed and lives alone in a senior retirement complex. She has one son, “Monty”, who lives nearby and visits often. Helena came onto hospice about a month ago due to her decline. She struggles with stomach, side and back pain. Helena waits until her pain is severe before she takes any pain medication. It is her independent personality which is driving that decision. Fortunately for Helena, she has listened to the hospice nurse instructing her on how to take her pain medication before the pain level is that high.

Helena has also been slowly becoming weaker. A month ago when we first met her, she was able to walk slowly without any help. Now, most days, she is using a walker to get around. Helena goes downstairs to the complex’s cafeteria for most of her meals. Some days though, it is too much and she orders her meals to come to her room.

The hospice nurse made a visit today and Helena told her about her hair loss from the past chemotherapy. Helena has been staying in her room as feels so self-conscious about it. She doesn’t like the way she looks. This is hard for her as she is such a social butterfly.

The nurse called me and told me about the conversation. She shared that she thought she heard that the Oncology Clinic has donated caps for patients. I called the clinic and was told that, yes, people knit caps and donate them to the Oncology Department for patients. She told me to just come by and pick one up.

I called Helena and told her that I would be bringing out a cap tomorrow if that was okay with her. With a shaking voice, she told me thanks. I was so moved at her reaction. My role on the hospice team is the non-medical part of the team, which means everything else. I am blessed in that role as I am able to do things like this for patients. Hospice works as a team, and, I am just one small part of that team. The thanks needs to go to the wonderful people who knit these caps.

Normally my day is full of pre-scheduled visits. Coincidently, I had two hours available in the middle of my day. Perfect time for me to deliver the cap to Helena. There is a higher power involved here. Things were meant to work out this way. Helena’s joy at receiving the cap is also my joy and honor to be able to do this for her. She is such a deserving soul.


JUST A CAP
　
　

She is stoic and independent.
She has always toughed things out.
The cancer diagnosis, the treatment;
accepting it all in her usual way.

She stopped her chemo a while ago.
The side affects were much too harsh.
Some lagging toxins must be hanging on
as she is still slowly losing her hair.

For the first time, she is self-conscious.
She doesn’t like the way she looks.
She can tough it out with her stomach pain,
but this hair loss is way too much.

I told her about the hand-made caps
that amazing people donate to us.
The love they show in each individual stitch
is gently handed over to folks like her.

She couldn’t believe what I told her.
“I’ll see you tomorrow with a cap in hand.”
With a shaking voice, she told me thanks.
Nothing more needed to be said.

A significant moment for her
bringing joy back into her life.
A rewarding task kindly assigned to me.
A tender, but powerful gift,
         presented as
                  just a cap.






 

NORMAL

I went back to work a week ago after being off for three months. The first two months I was recovering from a ruptured appendix. Recovery was slow, but steady. The last month I was blessed to be able to go on a safari in Africa; a trip we had planned over a year ago.

A month into my recovery, I started yearning to get back to normal. I wanted my routine back so I would know I was okay. I went back to work a week ago and my commute was fantastic. Tailgaters and speeders, which often can annoy me, were a wonderful sight to see. It was familiar territory and I loved it.

The first day at work was slow for me as I was trying to get organized. I made a few phone calls to patients and knew I was back to where I needed to be. On day two, I started doing visits again. Being with patients and families was different than before. I had a deeper understanding of how things were for them. Having an out-of-body experience myself, three months ago, was life-changing for me. My patients know that they are nearing that moment on a more permanent basis.

I didn’t expect my experiences with my patients and families to change. It is a subtle change with them, but profound for me. I understand on a deeper level. I have several patients who are near death, and it is those folks with whom I notice the biggest change. There is a non-verbal communication between us that we both understand. Deep inside my heart, I know that they know.

I attended a social work meeting yesterday with eight of my peers. I was so excited to see everyone, but then again, it seemed different. After the meeting, I had an “aha” moment and understood what was different. I have gone through something others can’t quite understand. Maybe because I can’t quite understand either. I just know I am blessed to have had that experience. It has made me a different person. Hopefully a better person too.


NORMAL

　

After all these weeks,
I couldn’t wait to get back to familiarity.
Back to work in my old routine;
back to the magnificence of my normal.

Normal is what we know.
Normal gives us comfort.
These past few months have been remarkable,
but I missed my life and wanted it back.

Driving to work that first day was amazing.
The pot hole was still there at mile thirty.
A few tailgaters, some speeders.
It was great to be back to normal.

But then, somehow it is a bit different.
More clarity when speaking to patients.
A deeper understanding of what they said.
A stronger instinct in knowing how they feel.

I have been where they are going.
I got a glimpse of the other side.
A stronger bond between us.
Somehow we both know.

The change is subtle, but profound.
A delicate shift in my universe.
But then I realized that through it all,
what has changed the most
       is me.   

BLIND DATE

Ninety-six year old, “Millie” was diagnosed with dementia eight years ago. Millie lives with her husband, “Leonard” of seventy-three years. Millie and Leonard had ten children, losing their eldest son at the age of three due to a drowning. All of the remaining nine children are doing well to which Leonard says he is blessed.   Leonard shared that he met Millie on a blind date seventy-five years ago. 

Millie has been in a decline for about four months. It was then that their daughter, “Marlene” moved them into a Board and Care Home. Millie and Leonard live in the master bedroom which resembles a suite. It is quite a large room and suits their needs well. Millie came onto hospice today because she likely is starting into her dying phase. She is no longer eating and sleeps most of the day. She is non-verbal and hasn’t spoken for quite a while.

Leonard is in good health, although does get a little forgetful at times, which is likely age related as, he too, is ninety-six years of age. He has the cutest smile and a great sense of humor. I asked him what his secret was to growing old and he said that a sense of humor is a must. “Take things lightly.”

Leonard became more somber when we started to talk about Millie and her condition. He is aware that she is nearing the end of her life. He is not yet ready for her to go. I truly do not think age has anything to do with it. If Millie and Leonard had a hundred and seventy-three years together, it still would be way too soon.

Leonard did add that he had great support from his family. He says when he is feeling blue, all he needs is a visitor and that cheers him up. Leonard has visitors daily from his large family. It probably will be a shock when Millie dies as Leonard has not been alone for all these years. His strong Catholic faith and supportive family hopefully will help him through these tough days ahead.


BLIND DATE

　

It all started on a blind date
so many decades ago.
They were both hard working,
focusing on perspective goals.

She became a registered nurse
which made him so proud of her.
He was a successful salesman
selling auto parts along with needed tools. 

They never had much
as had nine children to raise.
They taught the children all about hard work.
All nine listened and earned college degrees.

He will smile so easily
when talking about their life.
The hard work; the travels; their faith.
In between, he’ll make us all laugh.

Now he is watching over her.
She no longer can talk.
She is confused and not aware;
sleeping through most of her days.

At one point he became quiet,
thinking about those seventy-three years.
With a sadness in his voice, he shared,
“It’s all happened way too fast.”