Fifty-seven year old “Ronald” suffers from soft tissue cancer. The cancer is throughout his stomach and is slowly spreading. Ronald is either in his bed or wheelchair. He needs assistance transferring to his wheelchair.
Ron lives with his wife, “Angela” and one of their adult sons, “Jesse”. Jesse works at night in an ice cream parlor and is available during the day to care for his dad. Angela works during the weekdays and is available nights and weekends. The couple have another son, “Jon”, who lives nearby and comes a few days each week to help. He is able to do computer work at his parent’s home and is available to help his dad as needed.
Ronald is very open about his cancer and prognosis. Ronald lives his life like he is living, not dying. He spends most of his days in a hospital bed in the master bedroom. He is surrounded by his laptop, telephone, books, papers and all that he needs to fill up his days.
Ronald is very spiritual and spends several days each week, giving bible studies to several extended family members and friends. In addition, he spends time researching topics on his laptop. Recently, Ronald has been able to utilize a Senior Transportation Service which has allowed him to attend church and other outings. Ronald is a perfect example of someone living their life to the fullest.
I visit Ronald every two weeks or so to check in with him. The visits end up being long as the two of us get into amazing conversations about life and death. He is not only a brilliant speaker, but an excellent listener. Ronald and I get into all sorts of topics that are thought-provoking.
During our conversation today, he was sharing the doctors’ bleak prediction last summer. He added that he wants to live each of his days to the fullest as he never knows when it will all end. I don’t deny that he will, and told him that I thought his death would come fast as he grabs life from each day that he has. He agreed with my prediction. In the end, things will be what they will be, but I won’t be surprised if it happens the way we both believe. He is truly inspirational and his footsteps will be long remembered after he has left us.
HIS WAY
He sees the good in everyone.
He’s open to what they offer.
He lives his life to the fullest,
by celebrating each day, his way.
The doctors’ prediction was bleak.
Forty-eight hours was all that he had.
Nine months later, he is living his life.
Finding joy and pleasure in each of his days.
He is a fascinating conversationalist.
He listens with all of his heart.
He’s inspirational, insightful, spiritual;
igniting discussions between him and me.
Each morning, he awakes with a smile.
Another bonus day to celebrate life.
Embracing each moment as if it’s the last,
knowing one day, it will truly be.
He spoke today about his dying.
He believes his end will be fast.
Until then, he’ll fill up his days,
savoring each hour the only way he knows;
his way.
Saturday, May 25, 2013
Friday, May 17, 2013
GET ANGRY
Forty-one year old “Lena” was diagnosed with breast cancer two years ago. She underwent chemotherapy and treatment. The cancer continued to grow and spread to her lung and brain. Four days ago, her doctor told her that the treatment wasn’t working and there was nothing else to be done. It was then she was referred to hospice for comfort care.
The hospice nurse and I went out today to admit Lena to hospice. Lena’s husband, “Nat”, left his work to be there as well. Lena and Nat have been married twenty-one years. They have two children; a twenty year old son who attends a local college and a seventeen year old daughter in high school.
Lena informed us that she was told four days ago that her cancer was growing and no further treatment was available. She accepted her fate and denied any fears or concerns about what was happening. She did shed a few tears when we talked about her legacy, her children and her wishes.
She was handling things so calmly, that I was wondering if she still was in shock from the devastating news four days ago, had already processed her emotions or if it was a cultural belief system. I realize that we all have to process and cope our own individual ways. What works for one, doesn’t work for another. Lena is only five months older than my own son. It was hard not to think about how it would be if my son got such horrid news. My first impulse was to get angry. I didn’t realize it while in Lena’s home, but after the visit and driving away, I was thinking about how I, as a parent, would feel. I got angry.
Lena’s parents live in Russia and had just left a few weeks ago after visiting for three months. My heart goes out to Lena and her family. Lena will never know about my anger, as I will respect her and encourage her to continue to cope her way. After all, this is her journey and she is the only one who can do it Lena’s way.
GET ANGRY!
I want you to get angry!
I want you to yell and scream!
Fight back with all that you‘ve got!
But then, maybe you already have.
You were just told four days ago
that there was nothing else to be done.
No more treatment; no more chemo.
Comfort care now, until the end.
You sit there calmly accepting your fate.
No concerns or fears pulling you down,
“It is what it is.
There is nothing more I can do”.
I want you to get angry.
I want you to get mad.
I want something to be done.
It’s so unfair; you are way too young.
I’ll continue to support you.
I’ll assist you where you need.
You will never know my anger,
because it surely isn’t about me.
You are the age of my own son.
These emotions have hit close to home.
So now and then in the quiet;
when I think of you,
every so often,
I may,
get angry!
The hospice nurse and I went out today to admit Lena to hospice. Lena’s husband, “Nat”, left his work to be there as well. Lena and Nat have been married twenty-one years. They have two children; a twenty year old son who attends a local college and a seventeen year old daughter in high school.
Lena informed us that she was told four days ago that her cancer was growing and no further treatment was available. She accepted her fate and denied any fears or concerns about what was happening. She did shed a few tears when we talked about her legacy, her children and her wishes.
She was handling things so calmly, that I was wondering if she still was in shock from the devastating news four days ago, had already processed her emotions or if it was a cultural belief system. I realize that we all have to process and cope our own individual ways. What works for one, doesn’t work for another. Lena is only five months older than my own son. It was hard not to think about how it would be if my son got such horrid news. My first impulse was to get angry. I didn’t realize it while in Lena’s home, but after the visit and driving away, I was thinking about how I, as a parent, would feel. I got angry.
Lena’s parents live in Russia and had just left a few weeks ago after visiting for three months. My heart goes out to Lena and her family. Lena will never know about my anger, as I will respect her and encourage her to continue to cope her way. After all, this is her journey and she is the only one who can do it Lena’s way.
GET ANGRY!
I want you to get angry!
I want you to yell and scream!
Fight back with all that you‘ve got!
But then, maybe you already have.
You were just told four days ago
that there was nothing else to be done.
No more treatment; no more chemo.
Comfort care now, until the end.
You sit there calmly accepting your fate.
No concerns or fears pulling you down,
“It is what it is.
There is nothing more I can do”.
I want you to get angry.
I want you to get mad.
I want something to be done.
It’s so unfair; you are way too young.
I’ll continue to support you.
I’ll assist you where you need.
You will never know my anger,
because it surely isn’t about me.
You are the age of my own son.
These emotions have hit close to home.
So now and then in the quiet;
when I think of you,
every so often,
I may,
get angry!
Saturday, May 11, 2013
SAYING GOODBYE
Sixty-nine year old, “Lani” has been on hospice for almost three months. Lani was diagnosed six months ago with pancreatic cancer. Lani lives with “Jim”, her husband of twenty-five years. Jim is a few years younger than Lani and still works. Jim has taken leave from his job to care for Lani.
When I first met the couple three months ago, one immediately saw the strong love and devotion they had for each other. They married late in life and have no children. The only family is Lani’s sister, who lives about five hours away. She has made several trips to help out and has been able to stay at least two weeks during each of her visits.
Lani has had a rapid decline these past few weeks. Jim is now off work full time to care for her. Fortunately, Lani had a Long Term Care Insurance Policy so that Jim has been able to hire full time attendant care. Lani has not had any fluids or food for over a week. Her time is close. She is in a deep sleep most of the time now.
Jim had asked Lani forgiveness for all that he has done wrong. Lani easily forgave Jim, but he needs to forgive himself. He is very hard on himself, but doesn’t see a fault in anyone else. He has such a huge heart for others.
Jim gets overwhelmed easily now and I am helping him out with his leave and disability paperwork. In addition, I am also helping with his Long Term Care Insurance. I am able to take some of that burden off his shoulders. With each visit, once the paperwork is done, Jim and I sit in the family room and have a good discussion. He is so insightful to what he is feeling and easily is able to process those emotions.
I validate a lot of Jim‘s grief. He questions and doubts himself so much. I am able to tell him that what he is feeling is normal. I also give him a lot of reassurance that he is caring for Lani so beautifully. He hears what I tell him and feels validated.
He shared today that he has said goodbye to Lani. He told her that when she is ready to let go, he will be okay. I also told Lani goodbye today. I always speak from my heart. I reassured Lani that I would visit Jim to make sure he is coping okay. I also shared that hospice has a huge bereavement department that follows up for a year.
Jim and Lani have a wonderful and supportive network of friends who reach out and give the needed support to this family. Because of that support, I know that, in time, Jim will be okay.
SAYING GOODBYE
His heart is breaking.
He knows her time is soon.
He doesn’t want her to suffer,
but it is so hard to say goodbye.
He told her that he would miss her.
He thanked her for all she has done for him.
He said he will be sad for quite a while,
but it is okay for her to go.
I visit often to give him support.
I see the love and pain in his eyes.
I reassure him that he is doing things perfect.
“Keep following your heart; you will be fine.”
I turned and promised her that I would make sure
that he would have the needed support.
He won’t be alone as so many do care.
I reassured her from the depths of my heart.
Her eyes were closed and she didn’t speak.
She appeared to be in a deep sleep.
I know she heard me as her response
was a single tear on the edge of one eye.
She too
was saying,
Goodbye.
When I first met the couple three months ago, one immediately saw the strong love and devotion they had for each other. They married late in life and have no children. The only family is Lani’s sister, who lives about five hours away. She has made several trips to help out and has been able to stay at least two weeks during each of her visits.
Lani has had a rapid decline these past few weeks. Jim is now off work full time to care for her. Fortunately, Lani had a Long Term Care Insurance Policy so that Jim has been able to hire full time attendant care. Lani has not had any fluids or food for over a week. Her time is close. She is in a deep sleep most of the time now.
Jim had asked Lani forgiveness for all that he has done wrong. Lani easily forgave Jim, but he needs to forgive himself. He is very hard on himself, but doesn’t see a fault in anyone else. He has such a huge heart for others.
Jim gets overwhelmed easily now and I am helping him out with his leave and disability paperwork. In addition, I am also helping with his Long Term Care Insurance. I am able to take some of that burden off his shoulders. With each visit, once the paperwork is done, Jim and I sit in the family room and have a good discussion. He is so insightful to what he is feeling and easily is able to process those emotions.
I validate a lot of Jim‘s grief. He questions and doubts himself so much. I am able to tell him that what he is feeling is normal. I also give him a lot of reassurance that he is caring for Lani so beautifully. He hears what I tell him and feels validated.
He shared today that he has said goodbye to Lani. He told her that when she is ready to let go, he will be okay. I also told Lani goodbye today. I always speak from my heart. I reassured Lani that I would visit Jim to make sure he is coping okay. I also shared that hospice has a huge bereavement department that follows up for a year.
Jim and Lani have a wonderful and supportive network of friends who reach out and give the needed support to this family. Because of that support, I know that, in time, Jim will be okay.
SAYING GOODBYE
His heart is breaking.
He knows her time is soon.
He doesn’t want her to suffer,
but it is so hard to say goodbye.
He told her that he would miss her.
He thanked her for all she has done for him.
He said he will be sad for quite a while,
but it is okay for her to go.
I visit often to give him support.
I see the love and pain in his eyes.
I reassure him that he is doing things perfect.
“Keep following your heart; you will be fine.”
I turned and promised her that I would make sure
that he would have the needed support.
He won’t be alone as so many do care.
I reassured her from the depths of my heart.
Her eyes were closed and she didn’t speak.
She appeared to be in a deep sleep.
I know she heard me as her response
was a single tear on the edge of one eye.
She too
was saying,
Goodbye.
Saturday, May 4, 2013
"I DON'T KNOW"
Sixty-nine year old “Laurie” was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer about six months ago. She stopped working two months ago when she became too weak to keep up that pace. Laurie lives with her husband of seventeen years, “Kyle”. Kyle is fifteen years younger than Laurie, but their love is true. Kyle is devoted to Laurie. They have no children and their extended family is few in numbers. Kyle and Laurie belong to a car club with whom they consider family. They have a vintage 1936 Ford parked in their garage in mint condition.
Kyle has been working full time and using his Family Leave time on an intermittent basis. Last week, Laurie took a dramatic change to where she is getting confused and weaker. She can no longer be left alone. Laurie’s sister, “Glenda” has come for a week from out of town to help.
Laurie is restless and not sleeping much. She keeps Kyle up all night with her tossing and turning. She has fallen several times as she keeps trying to get out of bed. Laurie needs to be watched constantly. Kyle is not getting sleep and has decided to stay home full time. He worries about how much leave he has, even though he knows he has about four weeks in his balance.
Laurie has long term care insurance from her employer, but the family had not initiated the application process as Laurie was doing fine. The quick decline has made these details urgent.
I knew Laurie was declining and I called Kyle to see what he needed. He sounded so exhausted and tired, he could not even think. When I asked him what he needed he just didn’t know. He could not even think to answer my offer to make those calls. He needed someone to take charge and to take care of him as well as Laurie. He had no energy left to give.
My heart aches for him as he is drained and grieving so deeply. I will keep in close contact with Kyle with phone calls and visits. Kyle has tremendous support from his car club buddies and, along with his strong Christian faith, I am convinced he will get through the tough times ahead.
“I DON’T KNOW”
She’s been sick for a short while.
Her decline has been swift.
She is restless and getting confused.
He just doesn’t know what to do.
He is taking time off work,
but worries about not being paid.
He needs to hire some help
as she can no longer be left alone.
She keeps him up at night;
tossing, turning, getting out of bed.
She is so weak and has had several falls.
He cannot keep this up.
I called and asked what I could do.
I knew he needed some help.
In a weary and exhausted voice, he replied,
“I don’t know”.
I asked if he wanted me to make some calls
to get some help in the home.
In the same fatigued voice, he answered,
“I don’t know”.
I said I would help to get things rolling.
I would gladly make those calls.
In no time at all, things were started.
In an exhausted voice, I softly heard
an appreciative and lovely
“Thank you.”
Kyle has been working full time and using his Family Leave time on an intermittent basis. Last week, Laurie took a dramatic change to where she is getting confused and weaker. She can no longer be left alone. Laurie’s sister, “Glenda” has come for a week from out of town to help.
Laurie is restless and not sleeping much. She keeps Kyle up all night with her tossing and turning. She has fallen several times as she keeps trying to get out of bed. Laurie needs to be watched constantly. Kyle is not getting sleep and has decided to stay home full time. He worries about how much leave he has, even though he knows he has about four weeks in his balance.
Laurie has long term care insurance from her employer, but the family had not initiated the application process as Laurie was doing fine. The quick decline has made these details urgent.
I knew Laurie was declining and I called Kyle to see what he needed. He sounded so exhausted and tired, he could not even think. When I asked him what he needed he just didn’t know. He could not even think to answer my offer to make those calls. He needed someone to take charge and to take care of him as well as Laurie. He had no energy left to give.
My heart aches for him as he is drained and grieving so deeply. I will keep in close contact with Kyle with phone calls and visits. Kyle has tremendous support from his car club buddies and, along with his strong Christian faith, I am convinced he will get through the tough times ahead.
“I DON’T KNOW”
She’s been sick for a short while.
Her decline has been swift.
She is restless and getting confused.
He just doesn’t know what to do.
He is taking time off work,
but worries about not being paid.
He needs to hire some help
as she can no longer be left alone.
She keeps him up at night;
tossing, turning, getting out of bed.
She is so weak and has had several falls.
He cannot keep this up.
I called and asked what I could do.
I knew he needed some help.
In a weary and exhausted voice, he replied,
“I don’t know”.
I asked if he wanted me to make some calls
to get some help in the home.
In the same fatigued voice, he answered,
“I don’t know”.
I said I would help to get things rolling.
I would gladly make those calls.
In no time at all, things were started.
In an exhausted voice, I softly heard
an appreciative and lovely
“Thank you.”
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