I AM

“Alice”, seventy-two, suffers from end stage lung disease. She is on oxygen continuously as gets short of breath with any exertion. In addition, she takes breathing treatments multiple times throughout each day. Alice has been divorced for years. Two of her sons live with her. Her eldest son’s wife, “Katherine” is devoted to Alice and is her primary caretaker.

Alice’s youngest son, “Mitchell”, is mentally retarded and at a developmental age of ten. Alice had another son who committed suicide over fifteen years ago. She was devastated and had a “meltdown“ as she described it. She has experienced the effects of a suicide on family members and would never want her family to suffer that trauma again.

The nurse admitted Alice to hospice two days before I did my initial visit. When I walked into Alice’s bedroom during that visit, the first thing she asked me was “When will this all start?” I wasn’t sure what she meant and asked for additional clarification. Alice said she stopped her insulin two days before. In addition, she wanted to also stop her heart medicine. Alice added that her biggest fear was pain. She wanted help to do it the correct way so that she would not suffer.

I knew the next nursing visit was three days away. I didn’t think Alice could wait as she had a lot of angst about all of this. I immediately call my supervisor who scheduled a nurse to make a visit that evening. Alice did not want to do anything that would hurry her death, but also did not want things to be prolonged. She was relieved when I said the nurse would come out in a few hours to discuss her medication with her.

I believe we all could get to a point when we are done. We all want quality and control in our own lives. Alice could take control by stopping her medication. She has a strong Christian faith and believes in God and the afterlife. Her beliefs give her peace about her dying and about her decision. Alice’s family supports her decision as they do not want her to suffer any unnecessary pain or discomfort.


I AM

　
I barely said hello before she asked,
“When will this all start?”
Not certain of the question,
I asked her to tell me more.

She wants to stop all her medicine.
She needs help as to how.
Her biggest fear is pain.
She wants guidance in doing things right.

She gets short of breath so easily,
that she spends her days in bed.
Not able to do anything but lie there,
hoping for it all to end.

She is dependent on her family.
She has no control over her life.
Any quality all but forgotten.
She can no longer live this way.

Each breathe is an effort,
expending energy she does not have.
She is ready for it to be over.
“I am so tired,
            I am done.”