Eighty-two year old “Earl” came onto hospice a few days ago with a diagnosis of Debility and Decline. That is a diagnosis that does not have a specific illness related to it, but when someone is becoming frail and needing help to assist them with their daily activities and care. Typically, it is someone elderly whose body is just tiring out.
Earl has lost forty pounds in the past few months as he can no longer swallow. He agreed to a feeding tube, but still cannot take in much nutrition. Earl was widowed three years ago and lives alone. He has two adult children who live locally and are very involved with his care and needs.
I called up Earl’s daughter, “Karen”, to set up my first appointment. After we set a time and date, she shared how she and her brother, “Dan”, each, in their own way, help their father. She said that her brother handles all the detailed needs and finances. He pays their dad’s bills and arranged for twenty-four hour attendant care. Dan handles all the paperwork; legal and financial. Karen says she is the nurturer and gives hugs and holds her dad’s hand whenever he needs. She then added the technical term she uses to describe her and her brother’s individual role in caring for dad.
It works well for this family. I will be meeting with them tomorrow for the first time, and know ahead, that it will be a pleasure working with such a loving, supportive family.
TECH SUPPORT
He had been independent for over 80 years
until his body started to slow him down.
He is becoming frail and needing more help;
no longer able to do the things he once enjoyed.
He has difficulty swallowing anything with ease.
The doctors cannot find a cause.
He’s lost over forty pounds these past few months,
succumbing to a feeding tube to meet basic needs.
He’s been widowed a while and adores his two kids.
Their love is mutual as they are always around.
Each have their distinct roles in helping him out.
Specific tasks fitting perfectly to their personality type.
He’s the engineering one tackling tasks that need to be done.
He’s comfortable with numbers and specific details.
She’s a good balance with her nurturing heart.
At ease with emotions and tears that may flow.
They both are aware of each other’s role.
Both available with their unique love.
He is the hardware; she is the software;
Tech support mixed with love,
available
whenever he needs.
Saturday, April 27, 2013
Saturday, April 20, 2013
ROUGH DAY
“Shirley”, seventy years old, suffered from chronic lung and heart problems. Shirley was divorced for many years and raised her two children alone. She lived in a duplex that she owned with her son, “Mitch”. Mitch lives in the other half of the duplex with his wife, “Annie” and their three month old son. Shirley also had a daughter, “Jessie”, who, with her fiancée, lived nearby. A few weeks ago, Jessie set her wedding date for this Spring, hoping that mom would be able to attend.
Seeing their mother’s recent decline, Jessie and her fiancee spent time this week moving in with Shirley. It was a win-win situation for all. As recent as two weeks ago, Shirley was doing well enough to be left alone for hours at a time. She was able to walk around using her walker quite independently. With Jessie and her fiancee living with Shirley, there was a guarantee that Shirley would have the help available as her needs increased.
Shirley’s decline started about two weeks ago. In these past few days, she is so weak that she is unable to get out of bed. Shirley stopped eating and was only taking sips of water. She started to get confused, although knew exactly what was happening. Her children took leave from their jobs to be with Shirley full time.
Shirley died early this afternoon with her family at the bedside. Later, I spoke with Jessie to offer my condolences. I know they will be okay and will get through the hard times ahead. The strong love they all share for each other, and for their mother, will definitely ease their way.
ROUGH DAY
She dealt with health issues for years.
Chronic problems that never slowed her down.
Her independent spirit kept her on track,
helping her to live her life the only way she knew.
She was always in charge of things,
more so after her health betrayed her.
She fought fervently until the end;
not surprising anyone at all.
She stopped eating two days ago.
She was asleep more than she was awake.
The family knew her time was near.
They bravely gave her permission to let go.
She died peacefully this afternoon
with her loving family by the bedside.
Along with deep sadness for a while,
there is also some relief that her suffering is over.
The family will come through this stronger
because of the steadfast love they all share.
“This has been a rough day,
but we are hugging it out.”
Seeing their mother’s recent decline, Jessie and her fiancee spent time this week moving in with Shirley. It was a win-win situation for all. As recent as two weeks ago, Shirley was doing well enough to be left alone for hours at a time. She was able to walk around using her walker quite independently. With Jessie and her fiancee living with Shirley, there was a guarantee that Shirley would have the help available as her needs increased.
Shirley’s decline started about two weeks ago. In these past few days, she is so weak that she is unable to get out of bed. Shirley stopped eating and was only taking sips of water. She started to get confused, although knew exactly what was happening. Her children took leave from their jobs to be with Shirley full time.
Shirley died early this afternoon with her family at the bedside. Later, I spoke with Jessie to offer my condolences. I know they will be okay and will get through the hard times ahead. The strong love they all share for each other, and for their mother, will definitely ease their way.
ROUGH DAY
She dealt with health issues for years.
Chronic problems that never slowed her down.
Her independent spirit kept her on track,
helping her to live her life the only way she knew.
She was always in charge of things,
more so after her health betrayed her.
She fought fervently until the end;
not surprising anyone at all.
She stopped eating two days ago.
She was asleep more than she was awake.
The family knew her time was near.
They bravely gave her permission to let go.
She died peacefully this afternoon
with her loving family by the bedside.
Along with deep sadness for a while,
there is also some relief that her suffering is over.
The family will come through this stronger
because of the steadfast love they all share.
“This has been a rough day,
but we are hugging it out.”
Saturday, April 13, 2013
I AM
“Alice”, seventy-two, suffers from end stage lung disease. She is on oxygen continuously as gets short of breath with any exertion. In addition, she takes breathing treatments multiple times throughout each day. Alice has been divorced for years. Two of her sons live with her. Her eldest son’s wife, “Katherine” is devoted to Alice and is her primary caretaker.
Alice’s youngest son, “Mitchell”, is mentally retarded and at a developmental age of ten. Alice had another son who committed suicide over fifteen years ago. She was devastated and had a “meltdown“ as she described it. She has experienced the effects of a suicide on family members and would never want her family to suffer that trauma again.
The nurse admitted Alice to hospice two days before I did my initial visit. When I walked into Alice’s bedroom during that visit, the first thing she asked me was “When will this all start?” I wasn’t sure what she meant and asked for additional clarification. Alice said she stopped her insulin two days before. In addition, she wanted to also stop her heart medicine. Alice added that her biggest fear was pain. She wanted help to do it the correct way so that she would not suffer.
I knew the next nursing visit was three days away. I didn’t think Alice could wait as she had a lot of angst about all of this. I immediately call my supervisor who scheduled a nurse to make a visit that evening. Alice did not want to do anything that would hurry her death, but also did not want things to be prolonged. She was relieved when I said the nurse would come out in a few hours to discuss her medication with her.
I believe we all could get to a point when we are done. We all want quality and control in our own lives. Alice could take control by stopping her medication. She has a strong Christian faith and believes in God and the afterlife. Her beliefs give her peace about her dying and about her decision. Alice’s family supports her decision as they do not want her to suffer any unnecessary pain or discomfort.
I AM
I barely said hello before she asked,
“When will this all start?”
Not certain of the question,
I asked her to tell me more.
She wants to stop all her medicine.
She needs help as to how.
Her biggest fear is pain.
She wants guidance in doing things right.
She gets short of breath so easily,
that she spends her days in bed.
Not able to do anything but lie there,
hoping for it all to end.
She is dependent on her family.
She has no control over her life.
Any quality all but forgotten.
She can no longer live this way.
Each breathe is an effort,
expending energy she does not have.
She is ready for it to be over.
“I am so tired,
I am done.”
Alice’s youngest son, “Mitchell”, is mentally retarded and at a developmental age of ten. Alice had another son who committed suicide over fifteen years ago. She was devastated and had a “meltdown“ as she described it. She has experienced the effects of a suicide on family members and would never want her family to suffer that trauma again.
The nurse admitted Alice to hospice two days before I did my initial visit. When I walked into Alice’s bedroom during that visit, the first thing she asked me was “When will this all start?” I wasn’t sure what she meant and asked for additional clarification. Alice said she stopped her insulin two days before. In addition, she wanted to also stop her heart medicine. Alice added that her biggest fear was pain. She wanted help to do it the correct way so that she would not suffer.
I knew the next nursing visit was three days away. I didn’t think Alice could wait as she had a lot of angst about all of this. I immediately call my supervisor who scheduled a nurse to make a visit that evening. Alice did not want to do anything that would hurry her death, but also did not want things to be prolonged. She was relieved when I said the nurse would come out in a few hours to discuss her medication with her.
I believe we all could get to a point when we are done. We all want quality and control in our own lives. Alice could take control by stopping her medication. She has a strong Christian faith and believes in God and the afterlife. Her beliefs give her peace about her dying and about her decision. Alice’s family supports her decision as they do not want her to suffer any unnecessary pain or discomfort.
I AM
I barely said hello before she asked,
“When will this all start?”
Not certain of the question,
I asked her to tell me more.
She wants to stop all her medicine.
She needs help as to how.
Her biggest fear is pain.
She wants guidance in doing things right.
She gets short of breath so easily,
that she spends her days in bed.
Not able to do anything but lie there,
hoping for it all to end.
She is dependent on her family.
She has no control over her life.
Any quality all but forgotten.
She can no longer live this way.
Each breathe is an effort,
expending energy she does not have.
She is ready for it to be over.
“I am so tired,
I am done.”
Saturday, April 6, 2013
RECEIVING
Forty-eight year old “Jennie” was diagnosed with brain cancer four months ago. She was five months away from earning her PhD in nursing when she had to quit school because of her declining health.
Jennie has been on hospice for six weeks. She has declined rapidly since that time to where now she is bedridden and no longer able to speak. Jennie’s mother, “Madeline” and sister, “Margo” are staying with Jennie to care for her.
Jennie is well loved by her large family and multitude of friends. Often during my visits, I hear about all the visitors that have come by. There are many people who all love Jennie and are devoted to her.
The family has been so welcoming to the hospice staff. The laugh easily even though times are tough. The family’s strong Catholic beliefs help them get through these difficult times. There is, in addition, a lot of laughter in the home. Their strong faith and wonderful sense of humor helps them get through each challenging day.
During my visit today, Margo and I were talking about how difficult the situation can be. In addition, we talked about some of the beautiful parts that are happening as well. I spoke about all the support they have and that “The cream always rises to the top.” This led us to talking about the gift of receiving and how difficult it is as all of us to accept help. We would rather be on the giving part of any equation.
I shared that by receiving a gift, you also give something back to others. Others feel wonderful knowing that they are able to help out. By receiving, we are able to give that wonderful feeling to them. Most of us are first in line to help another, but often struggle to receive.
As I was leaving, Margo walked me to the front door. It was then she shared she was going to quote me at her sister’s funeral. Being humbled and surprised, all I could do was hug her and say “Thank you.” Two words that barely touch the gratitude and humility I felt deep inside.
RECEIVING
It is so easy to help another
when asked for needed support.
We only have to hear, “Could you…?”
and are eager to jump right in.
Helping another is so rewarding.
We are honored to have been asked.
Family knowing you are always there;
an earned trust from a loyal friend.
I talk to families a lot about receiving.
I know it is a difficult gift to accept.
By receiving we give honor to another.
Acceptance is the gift we give in return.
I am no different from my families.
I, too, want to say, “No thanks, I’m doing fine.”
We hate to bother others as they have busy lives.
We feel guilty taking up their valuable time.
She told me today she was thinking about the funeral.
She is writing down what she wants to say.
She is going to quote several things I have shared with her.
I was surprised; I am humbled; I am in awe.
What a beautiful gift she gave me.
Honoring me by wanting to use my words.
With tears in my eyes, I hugged her so tightly.
She let me know I made a difference today.
It is amazing what she gave me.
Able to give to another when times are so tough.
All I could say was “Thank you”
from the deepest part of my heart.
Jennie has been on hospice for six weeks. She has declined rapidly since that time to where now she is bedridden and no longer able to speak. Jennie’s mother, “Madeline” and sister, “Margo” are staying with Jennie to care for her.
Jennie is well loved by her large family and multitude of friends. Often during my visits, I hear about all the visitors that have come by. There are many people who all love Jennie and are devoted to her.
The family has been so welcoming to the hospice staff. The laugh easily even though times are tough. The family’s strong Catholic beliefs help them get through these difficult times. There is, in addition, a lot of laughter in the home. Their strong faith and wonderful sense of humor helps them get through each challenging day.
During my visit today, Margo and I were talking about how difficult the situation can be. In addition, we talked about some of the beautiful parts that are happening as well. I spoke about all the support they have and that “The cream always rises to the top.” This led us to talking about the gift of receiving and how difficult it is as all of us to accept help. We would rather be on the giving part of any equation.
I shared that by receiving a gift, you also give something back to others. Others feel wonderful knowing that they are able to help out. By receiving, we are able to give that wonderful feeling to them. Most of us are first in line to help another, but often struggle to receive.
As I was leaving, Margo walked me to the front door. It was then she shared she was going to quote me at her sister’s funeral. Being humbled and surprised, all I could do was hug her and say “Thank you.” Two words that barely touch the gratitude and humility I felt deep inside.
RECEIVING
It is so easy to help another
when asked for needed support.
We only have to hear, “Could you…?”
and are eager to jump right in.
Helping another is so rewarding.
We are honored to have been asked.
Family knowing you are always there;
an earned trust from a loyal friend.
I talk to families a lot about receiving.
I know it is a difficult gift to accept.
By receiving we give honor to another.
Acceptance is the gift we give in return.
I am no different from my families.
I, too, want to say, “No thanks, I’m doing fine.”
We hate to bother others as they have busy lives.
We feel guilty taking up their valuable time.
She told me today she was thinking about the funeral.
She is writing down what she wants to say.
She is going to quote several things I have shared with her.
I was surprised; I am humbled; I am in awe.
What a beautiful gift she gave me.
Honoring me by wanting to use my words.
With tears in my eyes, I hugged her so tightly.
She let me know I made a difference today.
It is amazing what she gave me.
Able to give to another when times are so tough.
All I could say was “Thank you”
from the deepest part of my heart.
Monday, April 1, 2013
THE HAWK
Sixty-one year old “Ron” suffered from lung cancer. He came onto hospice because his doctor felt it was time. Ron lived with his wife, “Susan”. They were married over twenty-five years. Susan had two children from a previous marriage and Ron welcomed them into his life; as they him. Susan’s daughter, husband and their three young boys were temporarily living with Susan and Ron in order to save up for a down payment on their own home. Susan’s son, “Kevin”, lived about three miles away.
The first time I met Ron, I was immediately struck at how easily he spoke about his dying. He wasn’t afraid at all. Yes, he did not want to leave his family, but knew it was in God’s hands and that he was going to a better place.
Ron comes from a very religious family. His grandfather established a Presbyterian church nearby which has been a thriving parish for years. Ron lived and breathed his faith, giving he and his family great support and comfort.
Ron was on hospice for only two months. His death came rather quickly after a sudden decline. A few hours before Ron died, Susan called her son, Kevin, to hurry over. Ron died a few hours later right before sunrise. A short time after Ron died, Kevin walked out to his car to drive home. Before he started his car, a hawk suddenly flew by and landed on the tallest tree in his parent’s backyard. Kevin called the family outside to see. The hawk was staring down on all of them.
Kevin then drove the three miles to his home. As he was pulling into his driveway, another hawk soared by and landed on a tree in Kevin’s yard. It, too, was staring down on him. Was it the same hawk? Was it his father? The important thing is that the family all believe it to be Ron and it gives them comfort. It was poignant as Ron was a retired Middle School teacher and the family always teased him about watching the kids in his classroom like a hawk. Somehow it is a beautiful ending about an amazing man that I was honored to have met, if only for a few weeks.
Addendum: I received a phone call today from Susan. She was sharing the memorial they had for Ron two days prior. I had mailed “The Hawk” poem to her. She said that Ron’s sister, “Nancy” read it at his memorial. After the service, Nancy started to cry as she also wanted to have a sign that Ron was okay. She was upset that he hadn’t come to her like he had to Susan and her family.
The moment Nancy pulled into her own driveway after the service, a large hawk landed on her front lawn. Coincidence? God only knows.
THE HAWK
They weren’t surprised that it happened.
They all knew he would come by,
telling them that he was okay.
Letting them know he was flying high.
He talked openly about his illness.
He was never afraid to die.
His faith was deep and all that strong.
He knew he was going to Paradise.
He taught middle school for years.
He was creative and well liked.
They always teased him and joked
that he watched his kids like a hawk.
They immediately knew it was him
when that hawk suddenly flew nearby,
settling on top of the tallest tree,
watching them from above.
Moments later when his son got home,
another hawk was soaring above.
It too kept an eye on him
as it perched on top of a nearby tree.
The family is comforted knowing he’s okay.
His message to them was loud and clear.
Perfectly relayed by one of God’s glorious creatures;
a magnificent, majestic hawk.
The first time I met Ron, I was immediately struck at how easily he spoke about his dying. He wasn’t afraid at all. Yes, he did not want to leave his family, but knew it was in God’s hands and that he was going to a better place.
Ron comes from a very religious family. His grandfather established a Presbyterian church nearby which has been a thriving parish for years. Ron lived and breathed his faith, giving he and his family great support and comfort.
Ron was on hospice for only two months. His death came rather quickly after a sudden decline. A few hours before Ron died, Susan called her son, Kevin, to hurry over. Ron died a few hours later right before sunrise. A short time after Ron died, Kevin walked out to his car to drive home. Before he started his car, a hawk suddenly flew by and landed on the tallest tree in his parent’s backyard. Kevin called the family outside to see. The hawk was staring down on all of them.
Kevin then drove the three miles to his home. As he was pulling into his driveway, another hawk soared by and landed on a tree in Kevin’s yard. It, too, was staring down on him. Was it the same hawk? Was it his father? The important thing is that the family all believe it to be Ron and it gives them comfort. It was poignant as Ron was a retired Middle School teacher and the family always teased him about watching the kids in his classroom like a hawk. Somehow it is a beautiful ending about an amazing man that I was honored to have met, if only for a few weeks.
Addendum: I received a phone call today from Susan. She was sharing the memorial they had for Ron two days prior. I had mailed “The Hawk” poem to her. She said that Ron’s sister, “Nancy” read it at his memorial. After the service, Nancy started to cry as she also wanted to have a sign that Ron was okay. She was upset that he hadn’t come to her like he had to Susan and her family.
The moment Nancy pulled into her own driveway after the service, a large hawk landed on her front lawn. Coincidence? God only knows.
THE HAWK
They weren’t surprised that it happened.
They all knew he would come by,
telling them that he was okay.
Letting them know he was flying high.
He talked openly about his illness.
He was never afraid to die.
His faith was deep and all that strong.
He knew he was going to Paradise.
He taught middle school for years.
He was creative and well liked.
They always teased him and joked
that he watched his kids like a hawk.
They immediately knew it was him
when that hawk suddenly flew nearby,
settling on top of the tallest tree,
watching them from above.
Moments later when his son got home,
another hawk was soaring above.
It too kept an eye on him
as it perched on top of a nearby tree.
The family is comforted knowing he’s okay.
His message to them was loud and clear.
Perfectly relayed by one of God’s glorious creatures;
a magnificent, majestic hawk.
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