A LIFE ALONE

“Greg”, sixty-one, came onto hospice six months ago with a diagnosis of terminal throat cancer. Greg has a long history of drug and alcohol addiction. He had been homeless and living on the streets for years. Greg went to an emergency room for help when his cancer could no longer be managed by him. Once stable, he was sent to a nursing facility for treatment.

When I met Greg six months ago, he had only been in the facility for a week. His plan was to get better and to return to the streets; where he was most comfortable. As time has gone by, the tumor has grown to where it is impacting his throat and face. He no longer talks about leaving the facility.

Greg has a poor appetite due to some difficulty swallowing. He is so thin, one is surprised that he still is able to get from the bed to his wheelchair by himself. He is so determined to get into his chair to wheel himself down to the patio area to bum a cigarette from one of the other patients.

I went out to do a visit today and found Greg sitting on the side of his bed picking at his lunch. Greg has a strong belief in God and stated that he thought God must be punishing him. I asked him why God would be punishing him. He said he’s been involved in a violent crime, but didn’t think it was that.

Greg has difficulty staying focused at times. His eyes will glaze over and he is not there for a moment. He refocused and I shared that we all have regrets over things we have done or said. I asked him to think about the worst thing he has done in his life. I said he didn’t have to tell me what it was, but to only think about it. I asked if he learned from that experience. He didn’t answer, but I hope it got him to thinking about his past regrets. Hopefully he will be able to come to terms with his past.

Greg seems to take his days as they come. I feel he believes that his punishment is long enough and he is ready to get onto the next phase of his journey. He is a simple, but complex man.


A LIFE ALONE

　
He has struggled through life.
Life has not been easy for him.
Was it the result of his addiction
or did he choose for things to be this way?

He has been estranged from his family for years.
There is not one friend or support person around.
He doesn’t complain about his life.
He is not bothered by being all alone.

Cancer struck six months ago
while he was homeless and on the streets.
His home is now a nursing facility;
middle bed in a three bed ward.

He says that God may be punishing him
for some of the things he has done.
He speaks of being involved in a violent crime.
There is talk that, as a youth, he murdered his brother.

Only he can live with his demons.
He says God isn’t punishing him for that.
There is something more he cannot share.
Being remorseful lasts for only a moment.

You will either find him in his bed
or searching out to bum a cigarette.
Very little bothers him, except to share,
“This dying is taking way too long.”