I met Michal ten years ago when I started working for hospice. Both being social workers, Michal and I worked closely together as we shared cases on the same team. Michal was a bit offsetting at first, as she was very vocal about things. She would state her truth no matter what the situation. She would say things about management in staff meetings that were true. We were glad she said it, but the rest of us didn’t have the nerve to speak up. Often it was the catalyst to positive change in the department.
Michal always told her truth, especially about herself. She was very gracious and generous toward others. She always saw others in such a positive way. If there was something that needed changing, one knew she was in your corner.
Michal was in remission from breast cancer when I met her. Five years ago, her cancer returned. She continued to work while undergoing chemotherapy treatment. She was so determined to continue her life. She was a prolific writer and wrote a series of books about a fictional hospice nurse. She honored me as she based the social worker in her books on my style of work. She teased as said she made the social worker younger like Tara, one of our thirty-something co-workers.
Michal moved to Michigan, a few years ago, to be near her family. She underwent dozens of cancer treatment trials. Through it all, she continued with her writing. We stayed in contact through e-mails and Facebook. Michal would honestly tell you about the status of her cancer, but one never got the sense that she was struggling at all.
Michal handled her illness like she handled everything else in life. She accepted what came her way with honestly and candor. I heard last week from another co-worker that she wasn’t doing well. This poem is about the last e-mail she wrote me ten days prior to her death. What she shared so described who she was as a person.
I will miss hearing from her, but know that I am a better person to have had her in my life. She lived and died by her truth with dignity and grace. Following is a quote from one of Michal’s books.
“Death is always sudden, even though it takes a long, long time.”
MY FRIEND
I never really thought she would die,
even though I was told she was close.
But when I heard the news yesterday,
I was shocked; I was so surprised.
She put up a fight for over five years.
She continued to work as long as she could.
She made goals; she had plans.
She lived her life to the fullest.
She was always a straight shooter.
She would say what was on her mind.
She would tell you like it was;
about you and especially about herself.
She was extremely creative.
She was a prolific writer.
She published many books
about our work; our daily experiences.
She moved away to be near family.
We kept in contact through e-mails.
She mailed me one of her novels.
She wouldn’t let me pay the cost.
“It is an honor to give it to a friend.
Why do I need money?
Where I am going,
the roads are paved with gold.”
Memories full of dignity.
Legacy full of grace.
Thank you my friend.
May you have forever peace.
Saturday, February 23, 2013
Saturday, February 16, 2013
EXISTING
Seventy-five year old “Katherine” has suffered from dementia for thirteen years. For nine years, her husband, “Ron” cared for her at home. Four years ago, Ron moved her into an Assisted Living Community setting. Ron visits Katherine several times every week. Ron is very social with the staff and has a lot of humor to share.
Ron and Katherine have three adult children. Their daughter lives next door to Ron, while their eldest son lives only two blocks away. Another son, “Lyle” lives with Ron. Ron shared that something happened at Lyle’s birth that left him mentally challenged. Lyle attends an adult day care treatment center during the week.
Ron and I met in the lounge of Katherine’s facility. After talking for a while, we went to see Katherine in her room. We found her lying in bed in a fetal position with her right arm frozen next to her chest. I noticed her beautiful blue eyes tracking Ron and I. She had no expression or reaction when I softly spoke to her. Ron says she doesn’t know who he is any longer.
Ron is a retired Los Angeles policeman. He shared some of the horrific experiences he had during his career. He says it is those experiences that help him cope with life. He added that most things aren’t so bad when compared to what he saw on the streets of Los Angeles
Ron uses humor to cope. When I made the appointment with Ron, I gave a thirty minute window. I arrived twenty-five minutes in the allotted time and, in a serious face, Ron told me he was going to leave in five minutes. Not knowing him, I wasn’t sure if he was serious or not. He then burst out laughing knowing that he got me. From then on, I was able to tease him as well and we got along great.
Ron says it will be a blessing when she goes. He says he has grieved for years and feels there is no more to grieve; adding that she left him a long time ago. It makes me wonder what purpose it is for her to be here and just exist. I would like to think she may be teaching us tolerance or gratitude. Likely we will never know. I only pray that she is not suffering and is comfortable with how things are for her.
EXISTING
She lies there not moving.
Her left arm bent, frozen in place.
She will track you with her blue eyes,
but how much does she really see?
She hasn’t spoken for quite a while.
She eats very little and is losing weight.
Her decline is slow but downward.
She is existing from one day to another.
He says it will be a blessing when she goes.
It is not her lying there any longer.
She left him a long time ago.
He feels his grief has run its course.
She is no longer able to give.
Her spirit; her essence is gone.
A soft voice; a gentle touch;
so little can she receive.
Is she still here for a reason?
Likely, we will never know.
I would like to think she is teaching us;
cherish your loved ones; embrace your life.
She will continue to lie there.
She will continue to subsist.
Each day blending into the next.
Existing.
Ron and Katherine have three adult children. Their daughter lives next door to Ron, while their eldest son lives only two blocks away. Another son, “Lyle” lives with Ron. Ron shared that something happened at Lyle’s birth that left him mentally challenged. Lyle attends an adult day care treatment center during the week.
Ron and I met in the lounge of Katherine’s facility. After talking for a while, we went to see Katherine in her room. We found her lying in bed in a fetal position with her right arm frozen next to her chest. I noticed her beautiful blue eyes tracking Ron and I. She had no expression or reaction when I softly spoke to her. Ron says she doesn’t know who he is any longer.
Ron is a retired Los Angeles policeman. He shared some of the horrific experiences he had during his career. He says it is those experiences that help him cope with life. He added that most things aren’t so bad when compared to what he saw on the streets of Los Angeles
Ron uses humor to cope. When I made the appointment with Ron, I gave a thirty minute window. I arrived twenty-five minutes in the allotted time and, in a serious face, Ron told me he was going to leave in five minutes. Not knowing him, I wasn’t sure if he was serious or not. He then burst out laughing knowing that he got me. From then on, I was able to tease him as well and we got along great.
Ron says it will be a blessing when she goes. He says he has grieved for years and feels there is no more to grieve; adding that she left him a long time ago. It makes me wonder what purpose it is for her to be here and just exist. I would like to think she may be teaching us tolerance or gratitude. Likely we will never know. I only pray that she is not suffering and is comfortable with how things are for her.
EXISTING
She lies there not moving.
Her left arm bent, frozen in place.
She will track you with her blue eyes,
but how much does she really see?
She hasn’t spoken for quite a while.
She eats very little and is losing weight.
Her decline is slow but downward.
She is existing from one day to another.
He says it will be a blessing when she goes.
It is not her lying there any longer.
She left him a long time ago.
He feels his grief has run its course.
She is no longer able to give.
Her spirit; her essence is gone.
A soft voice; a gentle touch;
so little can she receive.
Is she still here for a reason?
Likely, we will never know.
I would like to think she is teaching us;
cherish your loved ones; embrace your life.
She will continue to lie there.
She will continue to subsist.
Each day blending into the next.
Existing.
Saturday, February 9, 2013
A LIFE ALONE
“Greg”, sixty-one, came onto hospice six months ago with a diagnosis of terminal throat cancer. Greg has a long history of drug and alcohol addiction. He had been homeless and living on the streets for years. Greg went to an emergency room for help when his cancer could no longer be managed by him. Once stable, he was sent to a nursing facility for treatment.
When I met Greg six months ago, he had only been in the facility for a week. His plan was to get better and to return to the streets; where he was most comfortable. As time has gone by, the tumor has grown to where it is impacting his throat and face. He no longer talks about leaving the facility.
Greg has a poor appetite due to some difficulty swallowing. He is so thin, one is surprised that he still is able to get from the bed to his wheelchair by himself. He is so determined to get into his chair to wheel himself down to the patio area to bum a cigarette from one of the other patients.
I went out to do a visit today and found Greg sitting on the side of his bed picking at his lunch. Greg has a strong belief in God and stated that he thought God must be punishing him. I asked him why God would be punishing him. He said he’s been involved in a violent crime, but didn’t think it was that.
Greg has difficulty staying focused at times. His eyes will glaze over and he is not there for a moment. He refocused and I shared that we all have regrets over things we have done or said. I asked him to think about the worst thing he has done in his life. I said he didn’t have to tell me what it was, but to only think about it. I asked if he learned from that experience. He didn’t answer, but I hope it got him to thinking about his past regrets. Hopefully he will be able to come to terms with his past.
Greg seems to take his days as they come. I feel he believes that his punishment is long enough and he is ready to get onto the next phase of his journey. He is a simple, but complex man.
A LIFE ALONE
He has struggled through life.
Life has not been easy for him.
Was it the result of his addiction
or did he choose for things to be this way?
He has been estranged from his family for years.
There is not one friend or support person around.
He doesn’t complain about his life.
He is not bothered by being all alone.
Cancer struck six months ago
while he was homeless and on the streets.
His home is now a nursing facility;
middle bed in a three bed ward.
He says that God may be punishing him
for some of the things he has done.
He speaks of being involved in a violent crime.
There is talk that, as a youth, he murdered his brother.
Only he can live with his demons.
He says God isn’t punishing him for that.
There is something more he cannot share.
Being remorseful lasts for only a moment.
You will either find him in his bed
or searching out to bum a cigarette.
Very little bothers him, except to share,
“This dying is taking way too long.”
When I met Greg six months ago, he had only been in the facility for a week. His plan was to get better and to return to the streets; where he was most comfortable. As time has gone by, the tumor has grown to where it is impacting his throat and face. He no longer talks about leaving the facility.
Greg has a poor appetite due to some difficulty swallowing. He is so thin, one is surprised that he still is able to get from the bed to his wheelchair by himself. He is so determined to get into his chair to wheel himself down to the patio area to bum a cigarette from one of the other patients.
I went out to do a visit today and found Greg sitting on the side of his bed picking at his lunch. Greg has a strong belief in God and stated that he thought God must be punishing him. I asked him why God would be punishing him. He said he’s been involved in a violent crime, but didn’t think it was that.
Greg has difficulty staying focused at times. His eyes will glaze over and he is not there for a moment. He refocused and I shared that we all have regrets over things we have done or said. I asked him to think about the worst thing he has done in his life. I said he didn’t have to tell me what it was, but to only think about it. I asked if he learned from that experience. He didn’t answer, but I hope it got him to thinking about his past regrets. Hopefully he will be able to come to terms with his past.
Greg seems to take his days as they come. I feel he believes that his punishment is long enough and he is ready to get onto the next phase of his journey. He is a simple, but complex man.
A LIFE ALONE
He has struggled through life.
Life has not been easy for him.
Was it the result of his addiction
or did he choose for things to be this way?
He has been estranged from his family for years.
There is not one friend or support person around.
He doesn’t complain about his life.
He is not bothered by being all alone.
Cancer struck six months ago
while he was homeless and on the streets.
His home is now a nursing facility;
middle bed in a three bed ward.
He says that God may be punishing him
for some of the things he has done.
He speaks of being involved in a violent crime.
There is talk that, as a youth, he murdered his brother.
Only he can live with his demons.
He says God isn’t punishing him for that.
There is something more he cannot share.
Being remorseful lasts for only a moment.
You will either find him in his bed
or searching out to bum a cigarette.
Very little bothers him, except to share,
“This dying is taking way too long.”
Saturday, February 2, 2013
REASONS TO LAUGH
“Annie”, seventy-five, was diagnosed with leukemia two months ago. Annie has been married to “Ted” for fifty-three years. Annie was extremely artistic; designing the home they have lived in for over three decades. Her watercolor paintings are displayed all over their tri-level home.
Annie was teaching art at the local community center when she was given her cancer diagnosis. Five days later, Ted’s doctors suspected he was in the early stages of Alzheimer’s Disease. Ted had an appointment with a psychiatrist to confirm that diagnosis, but he cancelled it in order to care for Annie. Annie’s disease progressed rapidly these past two months. The hospice nurse and I admitted Annie to hospice late last week and Annie died twenty-four hours later.
The nurse's and my visit overlapped and Annie was in a deep sleep while we were there. Ted and their son, “Michael” proudly showed me Annie’s art work and shared wonderful stories about her life. They knew she was in her dying process and, between sharing their grief with me, they would intermix the conversation with laughter while telling funny stories of Annie’s life.
At one point during the visit, Ted went out into the kitchen with the hospice nurse to check on Annie’s medications. It was then that Michael told me that his wife has asked for a divorce. He has not told his father about his impending divorce as wants to wait until all of this is over before he tells him. Michael has support from Alcoholics Anonymous and, in addition, is seeing a counselor routinely
Today I met with Michael and Ted to do a bereavement visit. They again told stories about Annie. Ted and Michael both shared how they have cried over the loss, but the next sentence has them reminiscing about Annie which gets them laughing. It is wonderful as they are using humor to cope, but also are facing the reality of such a loss.
As I was leaving, Michael walked me out to the car and said that he likely will move in with his father. He said it would be a win-win situation as the house and grounds may be too much for his father to manage.
Although they both face tough times ahead, I know they will make it through as there is a strong bond between the two of them. I have no doubt that Ted and Michael will continue to find reasons to laugh.
REASONS TO LAUGH
She was diagnosed only two months ago.
Her decline was sudden and swift.
Days later an Alzheimer’s diagnosis for him.
He put off his treatment to care for her.
Although she is now gone, her creativity remains.
Her art proudly displayed all over their home.
A backyard kiln to fire her glassware.
A baby grand piano waiting to again be played.
Their only son, devoted, and such a big help.
He spends as much time there as he can.
He tries his best to now focus on his father’s needs,
although his own home life is such a mess.
His marriage has been rocky for months.
His wife now says she wants a divorce.
Getting help from a counselor and a support group,
he’s been sober for fifty-three days.
Intermixed with lots of laughter,
they talk about days gone by.
They share her stories.
Joking and teasing all around.
There will be many hard days ahead for both of them.
The loss of a loved one;
the loss of a marriage;
the loss of brain power.
They use lots of humor while talking
never avoiding the reality of their personal pain.
But one thing I know for sure,
they will make it through
as long as both of them
continue to find
reasons to laugh.
Annie was teaching art at the local community center when she was given her cancer diagnosis. Five days later, Ted’s doctors suspected he was in the early stages of Alzheimer’s Disease. Ted had an appointment with a psychiatrist to confirm that diagnosis, but he cancelled it in order to care for Annie. Annie’s disease progressed rapidly these past two months. The hospice nurse and I admitted Annie to hospice late last week and Annie died twenty-four hours later.
The nurse's and my visit overlapped and Annie was in a deep sleep while we were there. Ted and their son, “Michael” proudly showed me Annie’s art work and shared wonderful stories about her life. They knew she was in her dying process and, between sharing their grief with me, they would intermix the conversation with laughter while telling funny stories of Annie’s life.
At one point during the visit, Ted went out into the kitchen with the hospice nurse to check on Annie’s medications. It was then that Michael told me that his wife has asked for a divorce. He has not told his father about his impending divorce as wants to wait until all of this is over before he tells him. Michael has support from Alcoholics Anonymous and, in addition, is seeing a counselor routinely
Today I met with Michael and Ted to do a bereavement visit. They again told stories about Annie. Ted and Michael both shared how they have cried over the loss, but the next sentence has them reminiscing about Annie which gets them laughing. It is wonderful as they are using humor to cope, but also are facing the reality of such a loss.
As I was leaving, Michael walked me out to the car and said that he likely will move in with his father. He said it would be a win-win situation as the house and grounds may be too much for his father to manage.
Although they both face tough times ahead, I know they will make it through as there is a strong bond between the two of them. I have no doubt that Ted and Michael will continue to find reasons to laugh.
REASONS TO LAUGH
She was diagnosed only two months ago.
Her decline was sudden and swift.
Days later an Alzheimer’s diagnosis for him.
He put off his treatment to care for her.
Although she is now gone, her creativity remains.
Her art proudly displayed all over their home.
A backyard kiln to fire her glassware.
A baby grand piano waiting to again be played.
Their only son, devoted, and such a big help.
He spends as much time there as he can.
He tries his best to now focus on his father’s needs,
although his own home life is such a mess.
His marriage has been rocky for months.
His wife now says she wants a divorce.
Getting help from a counselor and a support group,
he’s been sober for fifty-three days.
Intermixed with lots of laughter,
they talk about days gone by.
They share her stories.
Joking and teasing all around.
There will be many hard days ahead for both of them.
The loss of a loved one;
the loss of a marriage;
the loss of brain power.
They use lots of humor while talking
never avoiding the reality of their personal pain.
But one thing I know for sure,
they will make it through
as long as both of them
continue to find
reasons to laugh.
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