Fifty-eight year old “Lori” was diagnosed with liver cancer over three years ago. The cancer has now spread to her lungs. Fluid has been building in her stomach which necessitates a need to have it drained several times each week. The tumor is pushing onto her stomach which makes eating a challenge. She gets full very quickly. If she eats too much, she becomes nauseas She also has swelling in her legs and feet which make it difficult for her to walk.
Through all of these health challenges, Lori does not fret. She wants to know the truth about her disease progression. She accepts her fate without fears or concerns. She will say, “It is what it is.” She is coping amazingly as her challenges are great.
Lori has been separated from her husband, “Leo” for years. About six months ago, he moved back into the home as Lori needed his financial support for monthly expenses. Lori and Leo have three adult daughters. One of their daughters resides in the home. The other two daughters live nearby. Lori’s three daughters are devoted to her and rely on her to settle the differences they each have with their father. Leo is an alcoholic and binge drinks on the weekends. Lori says that he gets obnoxious and his behavior can be out of control. Quite often Leo doesn’t pay his portion of the bills as he has gambled it away at a local casino.
It amazes me how Lori has accepted her dying but struggles over family dynamics, which have been ongoing for years. Typically one will have a certain level of coping for life’s challenges as they come. Her coping is so dramatically paradoxical. Her worries are with her family not getting along with each other. I know her dying will impact her family tremendously, but that gives her no concern. She is at peace and has accepted her dying.
Fortunately Hospice has a tremendous bereavement support follow-up that is available. I hope the family takes full advantage of this benefit.
COPING SKILLS
She wants to know how long she has.
She wants to know the truth.
She was initially told six months,
but then, that was a year and a half ago.
Recently she asked her doctor again.
He said likely no more than two months.
She is seeing weekly changes in her body.
She knows she is going downhill.
She believes what he has told her.
She knows this is to be.
She is calm, she understands.
She accepts her fate with grace.
Her struggles are with her family members.
They don’t get along at all.
This has been going on for years.
She knows nothing will ever change.
She stresses over the arguments.
She cries each time a door slams.
It is difficult for her to cope with it,
knowing there is nothing she can do.
She’ll calmly talk about the afterlife.
She’ll talk straight forward about not being around.
But then she’ll cry so easily over her family.
For her, the hardest thing of all.
Saturday, October 27, 2012
Saturday, October 20, 2012
SO EASILY
Seventy-seven year old “Barbara” came onto hospice with a recent diagnosis of pancreatic cancer. She had a short trial of chemotherapy which was not successful as her tumor continued to grow.
Barbara has been widowed for eight years. She speaks so lovingly of her late husband while sharing stories of their life together. Barbara has strong Catholic beliefs and knows that she will be with him again soon. Barbara has three adult children. Her daughter just returned home to another state after a ten day visit. She plans on returning soon to be available to her mother. Another son lives out of the country, but is routinely staying connected via the telephone. Barbara’s youngest son lives with her in the family home. He works full time, but is planning on using his family leave when needed.
On my first visit to the home, Barbara met me at the front door and warmly welcomed me into her home. She was so warm and genuine that one instantly is taken with her. She is so engaging that the moment I met her, it was like we had known each other for years. We had an instant connection as we both had similar beliefs about life and death. I know that if we had met in another situation, we most definitely would have become fast friends.
My relationship with Barbara and her family is, and always will be, the hospice social worker. I could never become friends with a patient or their family members, as I would always be “mom’s social worker”. My role would not allow me to free up to be me as I would always have my social worker hat on to help them when an eventual need would arise.
I have met so many amazing people during my work with hospice. I appreciate the time I have with them and feel grateful that our paths have crossed, even if only for a little while. Cancer is such a random disease and so easily, I or any of my colleagues, could hear the same diagnosis from our own doctors. It makes one grateful for their health and to recognize each day as a blessing.
I feel honored to have met Barbara and look forward to our time together, as long as it is. She is a gift to all for as long as she is here.
SO EASILY
The moment I crossed the threshold,
I felt welcomed and invited in.
Her words were so heartfelt; so warm
as she greeted me by her front door.
I instantly knew we would get along fine.
I knew we were on the same page.
She was so easy to talk to; to listen to.
She spoke with the love from her heart.
She was straightforward and frank.
She got right to the point of how things are.
Her struggle with a horrid disease.
Her sadness of what is to come.
She is such an independent soul.
She’s used to being on her own.
She was the one always helping others.
It’s so hard now to ask for help.
I see myself in her actions.
I hear myself in her words.
I understand her struggles; her fears.
So easily, it could have been me.
If only the situation were different.
If only we had met some other way.
Strong chemistry; strong connection.
Most likely we would have been friends;
so easily.
Barbara has been widowed for eight years. She speaks so lovingly of her late husband while sharing stories of their life together. Barbara has strong Catholic beliefs and knows that she will be with him again soon. Barbara has three adult children. Her daughter just returned home to another state after a ten day visit. She plans on returning soon to be available to her mother. Another son lives out of the country, but is routinely staying connected via the telephone. Barbara’s youngest son lives with her in the family home. He works full time, but is planning on using his family leave when needed.
On my first visit to the home, Barbara met me at the front door and warmly welcomed me into her home. She was so warm and genuine that one instantly is taken with her. She is so engaging that the moment I met her, it was like we had known each other for years. We had an instant connection as we both had similar beliefs about life and death. I know that if we had met in another situation, we most definitely would have become fast friends.
My relationship with Barbara and her family is, and always will be, the hospice social worker. I could never become friends with a patient or their family members, as I would always be “mom’s social worker”. My role would not allow me to free up to be me as I would always have my social worker hat on to help them when an eventual need would arise.
I have met so many amazing people during my work with hospice. I appreciate the time I have with them and feel grateful that our paths have crossed, even if only for a little while. Cancer is such a random disease and so easily, I or any of my colleagues, could hear the same diagnosis from our own doctors. It makes one grateful for their health and to recognize each day as a blessing.
I feel honored to have met Barbara and look forward to our time together, as long as it is. She is a gift to all for as long as she is here.
SO EASILY
The moment I crossed the threshold,
I felt welcomed and invited in.
Her words were so heartfelt; so warm
as she greeted me by her front door.
I instantly knew we would get along fine.
I knew we were on the same page.
She was so easy to talk to; to listen to.
She spoke with the love from her heart.
She was straightforward and frank.
She got right to the point of how things are.
Her struggle with a horrid disease.
Her sadness of what is to come.
She is such an independent soul.
She’s used to being on her own.
She was the one always helping others.
It’s so hard now to ask for help.
I see myself in her actions.
I hear myself in her words.
I understand her struggles; her fears.
So easily, it could have been me.
If only the situation were different.
If only we had met some other way.
Strong chemistry; strong connection.
Most likely we would have been friends;
so easily.
Saturday, October 13, 2012
SHE SEES
Forty-five year old “Marge” was recently diagnosed with a rare leukemia. She stated that only ten people in the United States have this type of cancer. She underwent chemotherapy without success. Marge is aware that there is no more treatment and has come onto hospice. Marge has been blind since birth. When she was a toddler she could see shadows and light. As an adult she only sees darkness.
Marge lives with her significant other, “Jeff”. Jeff also is blind, but is as capable as Marge. They have been together six years living in Marge’s small duplex apartment. Jeff and Marge walk around their home with ease. I was amazed at how they interacted with each other and with guests. They both listen attentively to your voice and give you eye contact.
Neither see themselves as handicapped. They rely on their computer which has a scanner and can be voice activated. It takes Marge about ninety minutes to go through their daily mail which they have accepted as a fact of life. Neither complains about their situation. They will sit together and hold hands, grateful to have each other.
They have family around, but the two of them are more self sufficient than many sighted people. With Marge’s new cancer diagnosis, Jeff’s biggest concern is Marge’s dignity. Marge worried about being in pain. I reassured both of them that hospice is all about comfort care and our nurses, along with the doctors, do an amazing job of keeping patients pain free. I assured Jeff that patient care and comfort is the primary focus of hospice, with Marge directing the hospice team on how she wants to do things. I reassured them that the hospice staff is very respectful to all of our patients. We tend to treat people how we would like to be treated ourselves: with dignity, care and compassion.
SHE SEES
She’s been blind since birth,
but doesn’t see it as a handicap.
She lives her life to the fullest.
She does what she needs to do.
She will greet you at the door.
She lifts her hand to shake yours.
She welcomes you into her modest home,
directing you to sit down on her couch.
She is aware of your position on the couch.
She gives you eye contact and listens.
She hears, she smells, she feels.
Using her senses to their full potential.
She doesn’t see your body language;
gestures we routinely use to communicate.
She doesn’t see your facial expressions;
subtle signals that enhance our words.
What she does see is so much more valuable.
She sees your heart; she sees your soul.
Our true character exposed openly in front of her.
She sees us as we truly are.
She sees perfectly.
Marge lives with her significant other, “Jeff”. Jeff also is blind, but is as capable as Marge. They have been together six years living in Marge’s small duplex apartment. Jeff and Marge walk around their home with ease. I was amazed at how they interacted with each other and with guests. They both listen attentively to your voice and give you eye contact.
Neither see themselves as handicapped. They rely on their computer which has a scanner and can be voice activated. It takes Marge about ninety minutes to go through their daily mail which they have accepted as a fact of life. Neither complains about their situation. They will sit together and hold hands, grateful to have each other.
They have family around, but the two of them are more self sufficient than many sighted people. With Marge’s new cancer diagnosis, Jeff’s biggest concern is Marge’s dignity. Marge worried about being in pain. I reassured both of them that hospice is all about comfort care and our nurses, along with the doctors, do an amazing job of keeping patients pain free. I assured Jeff that patient care and comfort is the primary focus of hospice, with Marge directing the hospice team on how she wants to do things. I reassured them that the hospice staff is very respectful to all of our patients. We tend to treat people how we would like to be treated ourselves: with dignity, care and compassion.
SHE SEES
She’s been blind since birth,
but doesn’t see it as a handicap.
She lives her life to the fullest.
She does what she needs to do.
She will greet you at the door.
She lifts her hand to shake yours.
She welcomes you into her modest home,
directing you to sit down on her couch.
She is aware of your position on the couch.
She gives you eye contact and listens.
She hears, she smells, she feels.
Using her senses to their full potential.
She doesn’t see your body language;
gestures we routinely use to communicate.
She doesn’t see your facial expressions;
subtle signals that enhance our words.
What she does see is so much more valuable.
She sees your heart; she sees your soul.
Our true character exposed openly in front of her.
She sees us as we truly are.
She sees perfectly.
Saturday, October 6, 2012
RICHES
Ninety-three year old “Helen” has multitude health problems. She was referred to hospice as her kidneys are now failing. She is bed bound and sleeps most all of the day.
Helen lives with her daughter, “Tina” and Tina’s partner, “Jocelyn”. Jocelyn is the primary caregiver for Helen and Tina. Tina has had recent hip replacement surgery and needs both of her knees replaced as well. Because of her health issues, Tina has many limitations.
Jocelyn is devoted to Helen and Tina. She handles the responsibility placed on her in stride. Tina will talk about how much they rely on Jocelyn and how difficult it can be at times. Jocelyn upon hearing this, will just shrug it off and change the subject. Jocelyn’s kindness and compassion is true.
I met the family for the first time today. I was walking toward their front porch and heard laughter inside. Jocelyn opened the door and, with a very large, warm smile, welcomed me into their tiny home. They live in a small two bedroom home that Tina’s father built over sixty years ago. It is small and cramped with limited space.
I walked into the bedroom where Tina was sitting next to her mother in the hospital bed. Tina was holding her mother’s hand. She said it helps her mother sleep. They immediately started to joke and tease. Helen was in a deep sleep and didn’t stir when the laughter got loud.
Tina shared that she is the last of four children her mother bore. In addition, her mother has outlived two husbands. I asked Tina how her mother copes with so many losses. She said her mother just continued to keep walking. The family has such a strong faith that sustains them through tough times and throughout their lives. They state strongly that “It is all in God’s hands.”
I was so impressed at the devotion and love this family shared with each other and the warmth they gave to me. Many define riches by the possessions they have acquired. This family knows that they have the most important riches of all; faith, love and family. They are to be admired.
RICHES
They had me laughing
right from the start.
Teasing, joking, giggling.
Everyone was fair game.
Their life has been a struggle.
Challenges at every turn.
Losses abound,
but their smiles never fade.
She’s lived nine decades.
Three of her four children are already gone.
Tremendous losses for any mother.
She has always just taken one more step.
Now she lies bed bound.
Her daughter faithfully by her side.
Holding her mother’s hand when she can’t sleep;
is all she is physically able to do.
She has many health problems herself
which limit her ability to help.
But she will continue to smile.
She will continue to focus on the love.
They don’t complain about their tiny home.
They don’t complain about financial hardships.
They don’t worry about the latest fad.
Luxuries many others do take for granted.
They see their invaluable riches.
Riches of love, faith, humor, family commitment.
A bounty of priceless gems.
Riches not seen by the eye,
but riches
conveyed from the heart.
Helen lives with her daughter, “Tina” and Tina’s partner, “Jocelyn”. Jocelyn is the primary caregiver for Helen and Tina. Tina has had recent hip replacement surgery and needs both of her knees replaced as well. Because of her health issues, Tina has many limitations.
Jocelyn is devoted to Helen and Tina. She handles the responsibility placed on her in stride. Tina will talk about how much they rely on Jocelyn and how difficult it can be at times. Jocelyn upon hearing this, will just shrug it off and change the subject. Jocelyn’s kindness and compassion is true.
I met the family for the first time today. I was walking toward their front porch and heard laughter inside. Jocelyn opened the door and, with a very large, warm smile, welcomed me into their tiny home. They live in a small two bedroom home that Tina’s father built over sixty years ago. It is small and cramped with limited space.
I walked into the bedroom where Tina was sitting next to her mother in the hospital bed. Tina was holding her mother’s hand. She said it helps her mother sleep. They immediately started to joke and tease. Helen was in a deep sleep and didn’t stir when the laughter got loud.
Tina shared that she is the last of four children her mother bore. In addition, her mother has outlived two husbands. I asked Tina how her mother copes with so many losses. She said her mother just continued to keep walking. The family has such a strong faith that sustains them through tough times and throughout their lives. They state strongly that “It is all in God’s hands.”
I was so impressed at the devotion and love this family shared with each other and the warmth they gave to me. Many define riches by the possessions they have acquired. This family knows that they have the most important riches of all; faith, love and family. They are to be admired.
RICHES
They had me laughing
right from the start.
Teasing, joking, giggling.
Everyone was fair game.
Their life has been a struggle.
Challenges at every turn.
Losses abound,
but their smiles never fade.
She’s lived nine decades.
Three of her four children are already gone.
Tremendous losses for any mother.
She has always just taken one more step.
Now she lies bed bound.
Her daughter faithfully by her side.
Holding her mother’s hand when she can’t sleep;
is all she is physically able to do.
She has many health problems herself
which limit her ability to help.
But she will continue to smile.
She will continue to focus on the love.
They don’t complain about their tiny home.
They don’t complain about financial hardships.
They don’t worry about the latest fad.
Luxuries many others do take for granted.
They see their invaluable riches.
Riches of love, faith, humor, family commitment.
A bounty of priceless gems.
Riches not seen by the eye,
but riches
conveyed from the heart.
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