Eighty-eight year old “Lucy” suffers from Alzheimer’s Disease. She resides in the Memory Care Unit of a large senior complex. Her husband, “George” lives in the same complex, although in the assisted living section. George recently fell and injured his hip. He spent a few days in the hospital to return back home needing to use a wheelchair.
George and Lucy have eight children and numerous grandchildren and great grandchildren. The family is amazing and so devoted to their parents. Family is rallying around as Lucy has had a sudden decline. She is unresponsive and her death is imminent.
I went out to do a visit to check in and give support to the family. While I was in Lucy’s room, a staff member wheeled George in to visit his wife. George typically doesn’t say much, but you can see the love in his eyes for his wife of seventy years. His daughter started to tell the story about her parents. Her mother was six and her father was three years older, when they met each other living in the same neighborhood.
She shared that ten years later when her father was in the service, her mother “went after him” as she knew he was the one for her. George filled in the story when prompted by his daughter. As the story progressed, George started talking more about that first official date.
He said they went out to dinner and then to a movie. I asked him what movie they saw and he remembered that it was called “The Four Feathers”. He added that it was a British war movie. His daughter was surprised that he remembered the name of the movie they saw.
I know that George will be sad for a while, but he has eighty-two years of amazing memories to hold on to of he and Lucy’s life together. Hopefully that, with the tremendous support from his family, will help him get through the tough days ahead.
“YEAH”
They wheeled him in to see her.
You could see the sadness in his face.
He was losing his wife of seventy years.
Not ready to say goodbye.
He spoke about how they met.
She was six, he was nine.
Neighborhood pals from the start.
Not aware of what their future would be.
Years later he joined the service
in the midst of World War II.
She knew he was the one for her,
so she went to claim her man.
They went out to dinner.
They went to see a show.
Their first official date.
His wallet now bare.
He couldn’t afford transportation.
His money had all been spent.
So he walked the seven miles home.
Thoughts of her, I’m sure, on his mind.
I asked him if it was worth the walk.
You could see him thinking back in time.
A beautiful, genuine smile crossed his face,
as he slowly replied
“Y-e-a-h”.
Saturday, September 29, 2012
Saturday, September 22, 2012
MEANT TO BE
Sixty-nine year old “Jim” was diagnosed a few weeks ago with pancreatic cancer. The cancer has already spread with no treatment options available for him. Jim lives with “Gina”, his significant other of seven months.
Gina and Jim met in high school while teenagers. They were best friends and enjoyed each other’s company. After graduation, both went their separate ways. Both married and divorced. Jim has three children; while Gina has one daughter. Jim’s children live nearby and are very close to their father and like Gina a lot.
Jim came onto hospice last week. I went out to meet the couple and to explain my role on the hospice team. The first thing I noticed was Jim’s engaging smile and Gina’s devotion to him. They are so cute together as they kiss and hold hands. Their love is pure and true. It was during this visit when they shared how they met, became separated for decades and met up again through Facebook.
Gina worries so much about Jim and cherishes each moment they have. Part of my role as a hospice social worker, is to give the caregiver support. I encourage caregivers to remember to take care of themselves as, rather frequently, they will put their needs on the back burner as the patient’s needs are quite often more urgent. I spoke about respite support that is available through hospice. Gina would have none of this. She cherishes each moment with Jim and plans on being by his side throughout. This is what sustains her.
Gina started to cry softly when speaking about life after Jim is gone. She has good supports from her daughter and friends, but likely won’t reach out. She shared that her friends call her, while she doesn’t pick up the phone ever to call them. For Gina, rediscovering her love and then having it snatched away it extremely painful for her. She is grieving her life today and her future without Jim. I plan on visiting weekly; more to give Gina support with her grieving. Fortunately, hospice has an extensive bereavement follow up support that Gina, hopefully, will take advantage of.
MEANT TO BE
They were meant to be together.
It was written in the stars.
Meeting in high school so long ago.
Best friends right from the start.
They each went their separate ways.
Marriage; children; divorce.
Both struggling with unhealthy relationships.
Not having someone to make them whole.
By sheer chance they met up again.
The spark between them instantly ignited.
Best friends; soul mates.
Seven months ago, he moved in.
At last, the two of them side by side.
Days full of heavenly bliss.
Making up for the time they had lost.
So obvious they were meant to be together.
A new diagnosis of cancer.
Prognosis poor.
Trying to grasp each new day.
Savoring what soon will be gone.
She feels it is so unfair.
To lose him while they’ve just begun.
She’s not ready to let him go.
“We were meant to be.”
Gina and Jim met in high school while teenagers. They were best friends and enjoyed each other’s company. After graduation, both went their separate ways. Both married and divorced. Jim has three children; while Gina has one daughter. Jim’s children live nearby and are very close to their father and like Gina a lot.
Jim came onto hospice last week. I went out to meet the couple and to explain my role on the hospice team. The first thing I noticed was Jim’s engaging smile and Gina’s devotion to him. They are so cute together as they kiss and hold hands. Their love is pure and true. It was during this visit when they shared how they met, became separated for decades and met up again through Facebook.
Gina worries so much about Jim and cherishes each moment they have. Part of my role as a hospice social worker, is to give the caregiver support. I encourage caregivers to remember to take care of themselves as, rather frequently, they will put their needs on the back burner as the patient’s needs are quite often more urgent. I spoke about respite support that is available through hospice. Gina would have none of this. She cherishes each moment with Jim and plans on being by his side throughout. This is what sustains her.
Gina started to cry softly when speaking about life after Jim is gone. She has good supports from her daughter and friends, but likely won’t reach out. She shared that her friends call her, while she doesn’t pick up the phone ever to call them. For Gina, rediscovering her love and then having it snatched away it extremely painful for her. She is grieving her life today and her future without Jim. I plan on visiting weekly; more to give Gina support with her grieving. Fortunately, hospice has an extensive bereavement follow up support that Gina, hopefully, will take advantage of.
MEANT TO BE
They were meant to be together.
It was written in the stars.
Meeting in high school so long ago.
Best friends right from the start.
They each went their separate ways.
Marriage; children; divorce.
Both struggling with unhealthy relationships.
Not having someone to make them whole.
By sheer chance they met up again.
The spark between them instantly ignited.
Best friends; soul mates.
Seven months ago, he moved in.
At last, the two of them side by side.
Days full of heavenly bliss.
Making up for the time they had lost.
So obvious they were meant to be together.
A new diagnosis of cancer.
Prognosis poor.
Trying to grasp each new day.
Savoring what soon will be gone.
She feels it is so unfair.
To lose him while they’ve just begun.
She’s not ready to let him go.
“We were meant to be.”
Saturday, September 15, 2012
BEDROOM LAMPS
Eighty-two year old “Walt” has been on hospice for six months. He suffers from cardiac disease. Walt has eight children, with dozens of grandchildren and great grandchildren. Many of his family live nearby. Walt was widowed three years ago. He and his wife had been living with their eldest daughter, “Mary”. Mary has been the caretaker for both of her elderly parents.
Walt started to dramatically decline recently having more bad days than good days. A week ago, Mary called 911 as Walt was struggling to breathe. The doctors said that he had only a week or so to live. Mary wanted to grant her father his wish to die at home.
Walt died early this morning right after midnight after being home five days. Twenty-seven of his family members were present. Walt had no fears about dying as he talked so lovingly of his wife of over fifty years. He knew he would be with her again.
Months ago, Mary shared her story about the bedroom lamps with me. I had a pre-scheduled visit with Mary and Walt this morning. Once I heard that Walt had died, I called Mary to offer condolences. She asked that I still come out as she needed to talk with me. It was during the visit this morning, that she shared the continuing story about her bedroom lamps.
It gives Mary peace as she truly believes it was her mother letting her know that her dad was okay and made it safely across. Whether it’s true or not, Mary believes it to be true, which is all that matters.
BEDROOM LAMPS
Her mother died three years ago.
She had been sick for a short while.
Hours later, her bedroom lamp, unaided, turned on.
She knew then her mother was okay.
She has a lamp on each bedroom end table.
You just have to tap them and they turn on.
No one was in her bedroom when again they lit.
Two more times within two days.
It gives her peace to know she’s around.
To know her mother is doing fine.
It reassures her that there is an afterlife.
That they’ll all be together again one day.
Her father died just after midnight this morning.
All family had gathered around.
They went to bed to get some rest,
waking up early; so much to do.
They gathered in the kitchen over coffee.
At peace knowing their parents were together again.
She walked past her bedroom and saw the light on.
It was then she knew, her father was okay.
She felt her mother was letting her know
that he made it safety to the other side.
She believes her mother is communicating to her
generating energy to create a heavenly glow
using ordinary
bedroom lamps.
Walt started to dramatically decline recently having more bad days than good days. A week ago, Mary called 911 as Walt was struggling to breathe. The doctors said that he had only a week or so to live. Mary wanted to grant her father his wish to die at home.
Walt died early this morning right after midnight after being home five days. Twenty-seven of his family members were present. Walt had no fears about dying as he talked so lovingly of his wife of over fifty years. He knew he would be with her again.
Months ago, Mary shared her story about the bedroom lamps with me. I had a pre-scheduled visit with Mary and Walt this morning. Once I heard that Walt had died, I called Mary to offer condolences. She asked that I still come out as she needed to talk with me. It was during the visit this morning, that she shared the continuing story about her bedroom lamps.
It gives Mary peace as she truly believes it was her mother letting her know that her dad was okay and made it safely across. Whether it’s true or not, Mary believes it to be true, which is all that matters.
BEDROOM LAMPS
Her mother died three years ago.
She had been sick for a short while.
Hours later, her bedroom lamp, unaided, turned on.
She knew then her mother was okay.
She has a lamp on each bedroom end table.
You just have to tap them and they turn on.
No one was in her bedroom when again they lit.
Two more times within two days.
It gives her peace to know she’s around.
To know her mother is doing fine.
It reassures her that there is an afterlife.
That they’ll all be together again one day.
Her father died just after midnight this morning.
All family had gathered around.
They went to bed to get some rest,
waking up early; so much to do.
They gathered in the kitchen over coffee.
At peace knowing their parents were together again.
She walked past her bedroom and saw the light on.
It was then she knew, her father was okay.
She felt her mother was letting her know
that he made it safety to the other side.
She believes her mother is communicating to her
generating energy to create a heavenly glow
using ordinary
bedroom lamps.
Saturday, September 8, 2012
MELTDOWN
Sixty-eight year old “Joyce” suffers from lung cancer that has spread to her kidneys. She has been living with her daughter, “Cathy” since her divorce years ago. Also living in the home is Cathy’s husband and teenage son.
Cathy’s husband has been out of work for more than two years. He is in construction and does side jobs, but the money isn’t consistent. Cathy has been attempting to get services from the county, but keeps getting denied. Cathy says that somehow the bills do get paid, although always late.
Cathy is devoted to her mother. Joyce suffers from depression and needs constant reassurance that things will work out. Joyce has a strong faith and gets comfort from reading the bible. She has no fears about dying due to that strong belief system.
Cathy has a large, extended family who reach out to her. She is the caregiver for all. She has a huge heart and cannot refuse anyone, even if she has nothing left to give. She shared during my visit today, that she had a meltdown two weeks ago. She said she was tired of being “The Good Girl”. She grabbed one of her husband’s whiskey bottles and started to drink. She added that she typically doesn’t drink. She then got into her car and drove down a country road. She ran into a tree which totaled her car. Fortunately she was not injured. She ended up in jail with a DUI on her record.
She has no regrets or remorse as she said the incident set her straight. Hopefully she has learned that she needs to reach out to others for support. I shared with her how asking for help is a gift she can give to her family and friends. The tremendous feeling of helping others benefits all. Old habits are hard to break. Sometimes it takes a bad experience to teach us challenging lessons in life. I hope Cathy has learned what she needs to learn.
MELTDOWN
She is the family caregiver.
Everyone constantly asks her for help.
She has always been there for others,
never once letting anyone down.
Her life has been difficult at best.
Tough times are familiar and frequent.
Cash is always in short supply
to pay what is long overdue.
Now that her mother is ill,
her energy is running on low.
She’s not used to asking for what she needs,
so her patience remains in short supply.
She had a meltdown the other day.
Behavior unfamiliar to her.
She was tired of being “The Good Girl”.
She got drunk and got in her car.
She drove her car into a tree.
Fortunately no injuries were sustained.
She landed in jail with a DUI.
She has no regrets or remorse at all.
She said it put her back on track,
although her energy will likely drain again.
Hopefully she’s learned to reach out
when she again becomes stressed
to avoid another
meltdown.
Cathy’s husband has been out of work for more than two years. He is in construction and does side jobs, but the money isn’t consistent. Cathy has been attempting to get services from the county, but keeps getting denied. Cathy says that somehow the bills do get paid, although always late.
Cathy is devoted to her mother. Joyce suffers from depression and needs constant reassurance that things will work out. Joyce has a strong faith and gets comfort from reading the bible. She has no fears about dying due to that strong belief system.
Cathy has a large, extended family who reach out to her. She is the caregiver for all. She has a huge heart and cannot refuse anyone, even if she has nothing left to give. She shared during my visit today, that she had a meltdown two weeks ago. She said she was tired of being “The Good Girl”. She grabbed one of her husband’s whiskey bottles and started to drink. She added that she typically doesn’t drink. She then got into her car and drove down a country road. She ran into a tree which totaled her car. Fortunately she was not injured. She ended up in jail with a DUI on her record.
She has no regrets or remorse as she said the incident set her straight. Hopefully she has learned that she needs to reach out to others for support. I shared with her how asking for help is a gift she can give to her family and friends. The tremendous feeling of helping others benefits all. Old habits are hard to break. Sometimes it takes a bad experience to teach us challenging lessons in life. I hope Cathy has learned what she needs to learn.
MELTDOWN
She is the family caregiver.
Everyone constantly asks her for help.
She has always been there for others,
never once letting anyone down.
Her life has been difficult at best.
Tough times are familiar and frequent.
Cash is always in short supply
to pay what is long overdue.
Now that her mother is ill,
her energy is running on low.
She’s not used to asking for what she needs,
so her patience remains in short supply.
She had a meltdown the other day.
Behavior unfamiliar to her.
She was tired of being “The Good Girl”.
She got drunk and got in her car.
She drove her car into a tree.
Fortunately no injuries were sustained.
She landed in jail with a DUI.
She has no regrets or remorse at all.
She said it put her back on track,
although her energy will likely drain again.
Hopefully she’s learned to reach out
when she again becomes stressed
to avoid another
meltdown.
Saturday, September 1, 2012
CANDLE FLAME
Eighty-five year old “Samuel” suffers from end-stage Parkinson’s Disease. The disease has left him confused, chair-bound and dependent. He was diagnosed almost twenty years ago and has had a long, slow decline. His wife of sixty-years, “Bette” is a very young seventy-eight year old.
Bette could no longer care for Samuel at home, and so three years ago she placed him in a board and care home. He gets excellent care which relieves her of being his caregiver, to being his devoted wife. She visits him daily which he appears to enjoy. His face lights up when he sees her. He will smile and reach for her hand.
Samuel chokes easily on fluids. He has had many bouts of aspiration pneumonia because of that inability to swallow correctly. With each episode, Bette has the facility call 911 so that Samuel can get IV antibiotics. He is weaker after each episode. Bette is aware that she has the option on not doing any treatment. The medical staff tell her that it is not a difficult way to die. Hospice would make sure he is comfortable and not in any pain. Samuel no longer speaks and cannot communicate his wishes. Bette and Samuel had never shared their wishes with each other which gives her struggle now.
Bette had not yet been ready to make the choice of doing nothing as she felt Samuel had some quality of life. Currently she is struggling with what to do as he has had such a decline these past few weeks. When I met with her today she shared the candle analogy to his illness.
Bette has many hobbies and activities in her life. She is a hiker and, either alone or with her hiking group, manages to fit in her exercise on a daily basis. She has a wonderful family and many friends which occupy her time. She is very open when discussing her grief over losing her husband of sixty years.
I know she will make the right decision at the right time for her and Samuel. With her tremendous support system, she will be okay, no matter when and if she needs to choose treatment vs. no treatment.
CANDLE FLAME
They’ve been married almost 60 years.
He’s been sick for a third of that time.
Where prior he was such a vital, active man;
now, he’s just a shell of who he once was.
She believes he still has some quality of life
as he easily smiles when she walks into the room.
He’ll reach for her hand with joy on his face.
He’s confused, but it seems that he knows who she is.
Recently he’s been sleeping a whole lot more.
He is losing weight and getting weaker.
It’s hard to know what he is thinking
as he hasn’t spoken for quite a while.
She wants to do the right thing.
She wants to follow his wishes,
but they never spoke about these things.
She’s not sure what he would want her to do.
He chokes easily when drinking water.
He’s had pneumonia many times.
She rushes him to the hospital for treatment.
With each episode, he declines a bit more.
She knows a time will come to say no more.
She wants to do what’s right.
“His candle is going down.
The flame continues to lower.”
She’ll watch as his candle flame flickers.
She’ll watch as his flame loses it’s glow.
Her love will guide her; she will know
when it’s time to let his flame naturally
burn out.
Bette could no longer care for Samuel at home, and so three years ago she placed him in a board and care home. He gets excellent care which relieves her of being his caregiver, to being his devoted wife. She visits him daily which he appears to enjoy. His face lights up when he sees her. He will smile and reach for her hand.
Samuel chokes easily on fluids. He has had many bouts of aspiration pneumonia because of that inability to swallow correctly. With each episode, Bette has the facility call 911 so that Samuel can get IV antibiotics. He is weaker after each episode. Bette is aware that she has the option on not doing any treatment. The medical staff tell her that it is not a difficult way to die. Hospice would make sure he is comfortable and not in any pain. Samuel no longer speaks and cannot communicate his wishes. Bette and Samuel had never shared their wishes with each other which gives her struggle now.
Bette had not yet been ready to make the choice of doing nothing as she felt Samuel had some quality of life. Currently she is struggling with what to do as he has had such a decline these past few weeks. When I met with her today she shared the candle analogy to his illness.
Bette has many hobbies and activities in her life. She is a hiker and, either alone or with her hiking group, manages to fit in her exercise on a daily basis. She has a wonderful family and many friends which occupy her time. She is very open when discussing her grief over losing her husband of sixty years.
I know she will make the right decision at the right time for her and Samuel. With her tremendous support system, she will be okay, no matter when and if she needs to choose treatment vs. no treatment.
CANDLE FLAME
They’ve been married almost 60 years.
He’s been sick for a third of that time.
Where prior he was such a vital, active man;
now, he’s just a shell of who he once was.
She believes he still has some quality of life
as he easily smiles when she walks into the room.
He’ll reach for her hand with joy on his face.
He’s confused, but it seems that he knows who she is.
Recently he’s been sleeping a whole lot more.
He is losing weight and getting weaker.
It’s hard to know what he is thinking
as he hasn’t spoken for quite a while.
She wants to do the right thing.
She wants to follow his wishes,
but they never spoke about these things.
She’s not sure what he would want her to do.
He chokes easily when drinking water.
He’s had pneumonia many times.
She rushes him to the hospital for treatment.
With each episode, he declines a bit more.
She knows a time will come to say no more.
She wants to do what’s right.
“His candle is going down.
The flame continues to lower.”
She’ll watch as his candle flame flickers.
She’ll watch as his flame loses it’s glow.
Her love will guide her; she will know
when it’s time to let his flame naturally
burn out.
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