MAGIC WAND

Sixty year old “Laurie” suffers from pancreatic cancer. She is undergoing chemotherapy in an attempt to reduce the tumor to lessen her pain. Pain has been the biggest struggle for Laurie in the past. The chemotherapy is working and her pain is now at a tolerable level.

Laurie lives with “Walt”, her husband of nineteen years. They have no children. Walt was previously married, but his first wife died after a short illness. He was widowed ten years before he met Laurie.

Laurie is from a large family who are very involved, lively and exceptionally verbal with their thoughts and emotions. Laurie’s family is a sharp contrast to Walt and his family dynamics. Walt has a tendency to “stuff” his feelings and remain silent. Laurie wants Walt to talk to her and her family about his emotions and grieving process, but Walt has never learned how to do so.

I went out to do a routine visit today and was met at the door by Walt. Laurie was napping and not available during the visit. Walt said he wanted to ask me something. He told me about having a panic attack a week ago in the middle of the night. It woke him out of a sound sleep and scared him. He said he just wanted to scream. He felt so out of control.

The two of us talked for a while and it came out that Walt had many fears about facing his emotions. We talked about how it was for him when his first wife died after a one month illness. He said he just took a step and kept going. He added that he never has addressed any of those feelings. Walt said that as a child, he tried to talk about his feelings and was always stopped by his mother saying, “I have had it worse than you have it.”

Walt was receptive to meeting with our hospice bereavement interns to help him with his grief and emotions. He has stuffed his feelings for over six decades. Learning to undo how he processes his feelings will take some time. I was proud of him to have taken that first big step today.


MAGIC WAND


I wish I had a magic wand.
I wish I could ease his pain.
Emotions trapped so deep inside
struggling to come out.

The panic attack scared him.
It woke him from a deep sleep.
He knew it had to do with her dying.
He felt so out of control.

He learned years ago to stuff his feelings.
He was taught this as a young boy.
Do not ever complain.
Others have it worse than you.

Now he needs to talk about it,
but doesn’t know where to start.
He wants to address these deep feelings,
but is afraid of what will come.

He took a baby step today.
It was a healthy start.
It will take him years of hard work though,
to sift through all that pain.

But then,
I wish I had a magic wand.