DISPLACED ANGER

Seventy-one year old "Walt" suffered from end stage lung disease. He was on constant oxygen and got short of breath with any activity. Needless to say, his life was very sedentary. Walt had been married to "Val" for eleven years. Val was thirty-four years old and a mail-order bride from overseas. Val and Walt were devoted to each other.

Walt had two children from a previous marriage, although they both lived out of state and did not have a close relationship with their father. All of Val's family lived overseas. She kept in touch with them frequently over the internet. Val had several co-workers with whom she felt close.

Walt was opened to hospice about a month ago. Immediately one could see how much he protected his wife from the reality of his disease. He did not want hospice to talk about his dying with his wife. Walt had no fears about dying, although he spoke about the difficulty in leaving his wife. His estate was in place so that Val would not have to worry about losing her home or having unpaid bills.

Two weeks ago, Walt asked me about the end of life process. He wanted to know what he might experience. I was honest with him, but stressed that we are all individuals and each one of us travels our journey our own way. I offered to bring in a booklet that explains the physical changes one might expect during the last months, weeks, days of one's life. He said he would like a copy.

Walt died two days ago. I called Val yesterday to offer condolences. She said she was doing okay and just felt like being alone. She had called both of their families, but was content just to sit in his recliner.

She called me this morning and was angry that I had given Walt the booklet about the end of life. She said she read it last night and that the book took away his hope. She said that hospice should not give out the book to people as she wouldn't want to know the day she is going to die. There wasn't much I could say as her anger was her focus.

In the end, she hung up on me. I thought about the situation thinking what can I learn from this and what should I have done differently. In the end, I realized it wasn't the book or me that was at fault. Her anger was the only safe place for her to go with her grief at this time.

Hospice does have a huge bereavement department and follows up for thirteen months. Hopefully she will avail herself to the support that is offered. It makes me sad though, that she is having such a difficult time. I hope in time she will find her peace.


DISPLACED ANGER

Grief is complicated.
Emotions galore.
Anger is huge,
but who do you blame?

Sorrow is overwhelming.
Victimized by intense sadness.
Denial no longer works.
He won't be back tomorrow.

Anger gives you action.
It gives you something to do.
It delays facing reality.
It postpones what lies ahead.

I understood her anger.
I understood her blame.
She directed her anger at me.
It was the easiest way to turn.

He wanted to know his outcome.
He wanted to know how much time.
She said we took his hope away
when we answered what he needed to know.

In time she'll come to accept things.
Her pain will be a memory of the past.
She'll learn to move on without him.
But for now,
anger remains.