ROLE REVERSAL

Sixty-three year old "Eugene" suffers from pancreatic cancer. He was diagnosed over eighteen months ago and, until recently, had been managing quite well. Eugene lives with his wife of forty-two years, "Ingrid". Ingrid and Eugene have two children who are supportive and visit often.

Until two weeks ago, Eugene was able to manage many of his needs. Recently, though, he has been in a rapid decline. Eugene stopped eating yesterday and it is likely he will die within a week. He is still alert, oriented and understands what is happening. He spends his days in his recliner in the family room. He has the recliner's head way back so he can easily stretch out.

When Eugene and Ingrid married, he went to work while she stayed home and cared for the home and family. Once the children were grown, Ingrid went to work as a medical transcriber, but continued to care for the home while Eugene took care of the finances, yard work and her. Ingrid gets anxious easily, so Eugene thought it would be best if he took responsibility for the things that caused her stress.

These past two weeks have been hard on Ingrid. She is doing a marvelous job caring for Eugene, but constantly questions if she is doing the right thing. I went out to do a visit today and reassured her that she was doing a marvelous job. She frets about and anxiously keeps asking Eugene what he needs. He wants to ease her stress and so will do what he thinks she wants him to do.

Both of them know his time is close and that there is nothing else that can be done for him. Toward the end of my visit today, Ingrid sat down in a chair next to Eugene's recliner. He put his hand on her hand and looked at her so lovingly. All he needs is to have his wife at his side. He started to softly cry and it was so apparent how difficult it will be for him to leave her. One could see and feel the love between the two.

She is doing a beautiful job.


ROLE REVERSAL


He has always taken care of her
while she took care of the family.
Their roles were clear and defined.
They both knew what they had to do.

He was always in charge.
It worked well for them that way.
But now that he is sick,
their roles have dramatically changed.

She's doing a great job caring for him,
but her anxiety tells her different.
She fusses, she frets, she hovers.
She worries she is doing things wrong.

He sleeps most of his days
in his recliner tilted back far.
With his decline and increasing needs,
she is doing a fantastic job.

She knows there is nothing more to be done.
The doctors have told her so.
He likely has less than a week to live.
She wants to know what she can do.

He looks at her so lovingly as he is well aware
that she has shifted beautifully into her new role.
She just wants to do the right thing.
He knows she has always
done just that.