"Nancy" was a wonderful woman who was suffering from leukemia. She came onto hospice in June, one month before her eighty-second birthday, so she planned a birthday party for herself. She wanted it to be her memorial and so invited everyone she knew. Her plan was to die shortly after the party.
Nancy's disease progressed very slowly. Each time I visited she would say, "I am sick and tired of being sick and tired." Nancy had been active her entire life and was very impatient with her dependence and the slow decline of her disease. She had moved in with her daughter and had fears that she would overstay her welcome. Her family was very close and devoted to her so the chance of that happening was nil.
Nancy had a wonderful outlook on life. She was very practical and felt it was her time to go. She wanted to just get on with it. In September she bought this large tube of toothpaste and said that it would be the last tube. This poem is a result of the visit I did in early January after the Christmas holidays. Nancy died three months later. I was honored as the family printed this poem in her memorial.
TOOTHPASTE
She turned eighty-two last summer.
She knew she'd never see eighty-three
so she planned a final birthday party
inviting everyone she knew.
It would be her memorial.
Lots of hugs and goodbyes.
Then they could get on with their lives
and she would be ready to die.
Her disease is progressing slowly.
She's impatient with the pace.
She just wants it over,
"I bought my last tube of toothpaste."
Summer turns into Fall
as her toothpaste tube shrinks down.
Her patience is constantly challenged
as the disease dawdles on.
The tube is almost empty
as the Winter holidays roll around.
If you ask her about her Christmas
she'll disappointingly reply,
"I was given two more tubes of toothpaste."
Friday, December 24, 2010
Saturday, December 18, 2010
I KNEW
Seventy-nine year old "Richard" suffered from dementia. He had one daughter, "Betsy", who provided his care. Betsy was very attentive to his needs, but was resistant to ask other extended family to help her out. Richard was up all night and Betsy was not getting any sleep. Betsy had a heart condition and one night she ended up in the Emergency Room because of severe chest pain. It scared her and made her realize that she could not continue this way.
I did weekly visits with Betsy and her father as Betsy needed the emotional support. She would stress easily as things could pile up quickly. She felt the need to be able to do it all. The pressure she put on herself was overwhelming, but she was so reluctant to accept any help.
After the Emergency Room visit and with much encouragement from her family, Betsy placed her father in a Board and Care Home nearby. A week later, I went out to visit Richard at the home and he appeared very happy and content. After my visit with Richard, I called Betsy to see how she was coping with the change. She asked that I come out to see her the next day as she felt tremendous guilt placing her father in the home.
The next day I went out to see Betsy. Ten minutes after I walked into her home, her cell phone rang. She ignored the call and said it was the Board and Care Home. I suddenly had this strong feeling that her father had died and that she should take the call. Immediately her home phone rang. I encouraged her to answer the phone. This time it was her granddaughter. After a very short conversation, Betsy ended the call. The minute she hung up the home phone, it rang again. I told Betsy to pick it up.
She answered the phone and seeing the shocked look on her face, I didn't have to ask what she had heard. The owner of the Board and Care Home told Betsy that her father had just died. Betsy then called her daughter to come over in order to drive her to see her father.
The timing for me to be there was just perfect. My premonition and encouragement to Betsy to take the calls, made it possible for me to follow them to the Board and Care Home so that she and her daughter could say goodbye. Betsy needed the extra support and I felt honored to have been available to her.
I believe it was God's hand that guided me to Betsy's home on that particular day at that particular time.
I KNEW
Somehow I knew when her cell rang
that the news would make her sad.
She didn't answer the call,
even though I said she should.
The home phone then started to ring.
A sense of trouble in the air.
I encouraged her to pick it up.
Shocking news of her father's death.
Somehow God directed me there
at the right time and the right place.
She needed strength; she needed support
minutes after I walked in.
It had to be God's intervention
as the timing was just right.
The premonition with the calls,
knowing she needed to pick up.
I knew the calls were coming.
I knew I was there to help.
But in the end, it wasn't me at all
as I was guided from above.
God always knows how.
God only knows.
I did weekly visits with Betsy and her father as Betsy needed the emotional support. She would stress easily as things could pile up quickly. She felt the need to be able to do it all. The pressure she put on herself was overwhelming, but she was so reluctant to accept any help.
After the Emergency Room visit and with much encouragement from her family, Betsy placed her father in a Board and Care Home nearby. A week later, I went out to visit Richard at the home and he appeared very happy and content. After my visit with Richard, I called Betsy to see how she was coping with the change. She asked that I come out to see her the next day as she felt tremendous guilt placing her father in the home.
The next day I went out to see Betsy. Ten minutes after I walked into her home, her cell phone rang. She ignored the call and said it was the Board and Care Home. I suddenly had this strong feeling that her father had died and that she should take the call. Immediately her home phone rang. I encouraged her to answer the phone. This time it was her granddaughter. After a very short conversation, Betsy ended the call. The minute she hung up the home phone, it rang again. I told Betsy to pick it up.
She answered the phone and seeing the shocked look on her face, I didn't have to ask what she had heard. The owner of the Board and Care Home told Betsy that her father had just died. Betsy then called her daughter to come over in order to drive her to see her father.
The timing for me to be there was just perfect. My premonition and encouragement to Betsy to take the calls, made it possible for me to follow them to the Board and Care Home so that she and her daughter could say goodbye. Betsy needed the extra support and I felt honored to have been available to her.
I believe it was God's hand that guided me to Betsy's home on that particular day at that particular time.
I KNEW
Somehow I knew when her cell rang
that the news would make her sad.
She didn't answer the call,
even though I said she should.
The home phone then started to ring.
A sense of trouble in the air.
I encouraged her to pick it up.
Shocking news of her father's death.
Somehow God directed me there
at the right time and the right place.
She needed strength; she needed support
minutes after I walked in.
It had to be God's intervention
as the timing was just right.
The premonition with the calls,
knowing she needed to pick up.
I knew the calls were coming.
I knew I was there to help.
But in the end, it wasn't me at all
as I was guided from above.
God always knows how.
God only knows.
Friday, December 10, 2010
OPTIMIST
Seventy-five year old "Dotty" suffers from dementia due to multiple bleeds into the brain. She has been on hospice for over eighteen months. Recently she has been improving and it is likely that we will discharge her from our program as she no longer meets the criteria for being terminal.
Her husband, "Dennis", is a retired pediatrician with an amazing, positive outlook on life. He laughs very easily over their life's circumstances even though he is totally aware of the dire situation with his wife. Dotty is unable to walk and spends most of her days in the recliner in their family room. She is totally dependent with all of her needs.
Due to her confusion, Dennis is unable to carry on any meaningful conversation with her. One can see the sweetness of Dotty's personality, although she can anger easily due to her frustrations. That anger passes quickly as she can be easily distracted. No matter what the situation, Dennis can laugh about it and turn it into something positive. His love is that deep.
Eighteen months ago, when I called their home to set up my first appointment, all I had heard was that the husband was a retired physician. After that initial conversation, I turned to my co-worker and said, "I bet he is a pediatrician." Dennis has such a charming personality, it was easy to predict.
Any time a hospice team member would visit, we would find a post-it note, with our individual name on it, located near the doorbell. Under our name Dennis added, "Come on it." They are the cutest couple and I am going to miss them.
OPTIMIST
No matter what the situation;
no matter how hard the day,
he'll always see the positive,
no matter what the case.
He is a diehard optimist.
His cup always half full.
He laughs so easily at himself
and the world around.
Even with her illness,
he can easily make her laugh.
He'll tease and share his day with her,
even though she's so confused.
She mixes reality with faded memories.
Her stories don't make sense.
But you know he won't let it get him down
as he twists it in a positive spin,
"She writes the best fiction."
Her husband, "Dennis", is a retired pediatrician with an amazing, positive outlook on life. He laughs very easily over their life's circumstances even though he is totally aware of the dire situation with his wife. Dotty is unable to walk and spends most of her days in the recliner in their family room. She is totally dependent with all of her needs.
Due to her confusion, Dennis is unable to carry on any meaningful conversation with her. One can see the sweetness of Dotty's personality, although she can anger easily due to her frustrations. That anger passes quickly as she can be easily distracted. No matter what the situation, Dennis can laugh about it and turn it into something positive. His love is that deep.
Eighteen months ago, when I called their home to set up my first appointment, all I had heard was that the husband was a retired physician. After that initial conversation, I turned to my co-worker and said, "I bet he is a pediatrician." Dennis has such a charming personality, it was easy to predict.
Any time a hospice team member would visit, we would find a post-it note, with our individual name on it, located near the doorbell. Under our name Dennis added, "Come on it." They are the cutest couple and I am going to miss them.
OPTIMIST
No matter what the situation;
no matter how hard the day,
he'll always see the positive,
no matter what the case.
He is a diehard optimist.
His cup always half full.
He laughs so easily at himself
and the world around.
Even with her illness,
he can easily make her laugh.
He'll tease and share his day with her,
even though she's so confused.
She mixes reality with faded memories.
Her stories don't make sense.
But you know he won't let it get him down
as he twists it in a positive spin,
"She writes the best fiction."
Monday, December 6, 2010
WAVES
Grief counseling is an essential part of my job as a hospice social worker. Patients are not only grieving the loss of their health, but also the loss of not being able to do those things that had always given them joy and pleasure. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. We each grieve differently. It is important to feel what you need to feel, know that it is okay and process those feelings in a way that works for you.
Elizabeth Kubler-Ross wrote about the five stages of grieving; denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. The stages sound so concise and structured. But grief is far from organized. One can be at acceptance one moment and the next moment; denial; then back to acceptance. It is an experience that is unique to each of us.
Grief often catches one off guard. I call it the "2x4" moment. A song on the radio, for example, can instantly trigger a memory back as if the loss had just occurred. This emotional moment can happen months or even years later. Grief comes like waves on a beach. It overflows and engulfs you only to recede again.
WAVES
Strolling slowly along the beach.
No sense of urgency or direction.
Embracing the tranquility.
Barefoot in the sand.
A sudden wave crashes to shore.
Stinging salt water.
Soaking your clothes.
Chilling your bones.
Total distraction.
Total discomfort.
Shock to the system.
Chaos all around.
Clothes begin to dry.
Emotions recede.
Sun permeates the soul.
Serenity returns.
The softness of the sand.
The smell of the ocean.
The sound of seagulls.
The warmth of the sun.
A sudden wave crashes to shore.
Stinging salt water.
Soaking your clothes.
Chilling your bones.
They call this
Grief.
Elizabeth Kubler-Ross wrote about the five stages of grieving; denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. The stages sound so concise and structured. But grief is far from organized. One can be at acceptance one moment and the next moment; denial; then back to acceptance. It is an experience that is unique to each of us.
Grief often catches one off guard. I call it the "2x4" moment. A song on the radio, for example, can instantly trigger a memory back as if the loss had just occurred. This emotional moment can happen months or even years later. Grief comes like waves on a beach. It overflows and engulfs you only to recede again.
WAVES
Strolling slowly along the beach.
No sense of urgency or direction.
Embracing the tranquility.
Barefoot in the sand.
A sudden wave crashes to shore.
Stinging salt water.
Soaking your clothes.
Chilling your bones.
Total distraction.
Total discomfort.
Shock to the system.
Chaos all around.
Clothes begin to dry.
Emotions recede.
Sun permeates the soul.
Serenity returns.
The softness of the sand.
The smell of the ocean.
The sound of seagulls.
The warmth of the sun.
A sudden wave crashes to shore.
Stinging salt water.
Soaking your clothes.
Chilling your bones.
They call this
Grief.
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