HER PERSPECTIVE

"John", ninety-three, suffers from cardiac disease. He recently suffered a heart attack which has left him weak and needing more help with his daily activities. John has been married to his wife, "Betty" for almost sixty years. They have three children, but. unfortunately, none live nearby.

Betty is John's primary caregiver. John is able to ambulate without any devices, but does move slow. At the beginning of our visit, we asked Betty how we could specifically help her, as each time we asked a general question, Betty would tell us a story in such a negative way. We thought that asking her for specific details would help her to let us know her needs. Betty just could not do that. No matter what we asked, we always heard about a new complaint she has held onto for many years.

I spoke with John separately at the end of the visit, while the nurse was talking to Betty about John's medications. He apologized for her and I responded by telling him that it was good that she was letting us know what did not work, but our goal is to help both of you in a way that would work. One could feel the deep love he had for his wife.

At the end of the visit, I asked Betty about what she did to help herself over the rough patches in her life. For once, she thought about it and said she has a close girlfriend. She added that she had just spoken with her yesterday on the phone. Her friend lives about thirty minutes away. I told Betty that I had a homework assignment for her. I told her that the first thing to do, once we leave, is to call her girlfriend for support. She had such a "Yes" look on her face. I hope she did call her friend as she needs support to be provided to her in a positive way. That is something that is so hard for her to find. I hope our visit, even for just a little bit, helped her to do that.


HER PERSPECTIVE

Life is all about perspective.
We all view occurrences our own unique way.
We all can receive some good along with some bad.
Our distinct reaction is what can help keep us sane.

She is close to eighty years old.
She has a sweet husband who adores her.
She is his primary caretaker
as she is fifteen years his junior.

We came out to offer support.
Asking her about ways we could help.
She never did answer us directly,
but did share a story from years past.

She spoke about a flood when she was a kid.
How the fireman led them the opposite way.
“They pointed us North, but we should have gone South.
They handled everything so wrong.”

She shared so many stories while we were there.
Her emotion consistently angry and strong.
How the doctors don’t know what they are doing;
or the contractor whose costs were sky high.”

A lifetime of negativity is her normal.
She must gain something by embracing the down side.
I hope our support can turn things around a bit
in order to softly expose her to the good in life.

To gently modify
          her powerful perspective.

"WHY SCOTT?"

I received a telephone call early this afternoon from a co-worker.  She informed me that Scott had died suddenly this morning.  I have worked with Scott for over five years. He was one of our hospice nurse case managers. Scott was very low key and never got rattled or stressed over any situation. He was a great team player as would work weekends whenever needed without complaint. Scott had a very calm, unhurried manner.

Scott fell down his stairs a week ago. He had some side pain and missed work all last week. Scott never missed work. It made us all realize how much pain he must have been in. I thought Scott would be at work next week without a doubt. It will be a huge loss for us all not having Scott around.

Every morning, Scott and I would arrive at the hospice office a few minutes apart. He would always walk by and say "Good morning" to me. He would talk about his love of swimming or would joke at himself for not swimming that morning. He would then immediately walk into the kitchen and get his cup of coffee.

Scott had a very large heart toward his co-workers, his patients and families. He would meet up with families and do what was needed to be done without any commotion. He had this large blue binder which he put all of his patient paperwork into. The side seam was split open, but it didn't matter to Scott, as it worked well for him.

I am still shocked as it is so unbelievable. I can't help but wonder, "Why? What is it all about". I know you are up there in heaven with all who love you. I have to believe that it was your time to go. You will never be forgotten by us down here. Prayers for peace, love and joy to you Scott. You will be forever missed.


 "WHY SCOTT?"

We lost one of our own today.
It was sudden and caught us all by surprise.
Hearing the sad news has left me shocked.
I can't stop thinking about him
          while continuing to ask "Why?"

We all work in the hospice field.
You would think we should know
and not have to ask "Why?"
"What is life and death all about?"

We would meet every morning on schedule
always arriving a few minutes apart.
He customarily would walk by and say "Hi"
and then head to get his morning coffee.

He had such a quiet, low-key manner.
Nothing would ever get him overwhelmed.
He would meet a family with high energy
and walk in with such composure,
it calmed the entire situation down.

Your legacy will always remain with all of us.
We will continue to share your stories
along with laughter to embrace your life.
But for a while, I'm sure we'll all continue to ask;
          "Why Scott?"

THE JOURNEY

Tracy, a dear friend and co-worker, lost one of her friends a little over two months ago. Her friend, Ute, suffered from Pancreatic Cancer. Ute was single and lived alone. She had no family locally so relied on her large group of friends for support. Tracy was her dearest friend in addition to being one of her primary caregivers.

Tracy informed me three days ago that there will be a Celebration of Life for Ute this coming weekend. Tracy wanted to speak at the Memorial, but wasn't quite sure what to say. She asked me to write a poem for her to read. I asked her to jot down a few thoughts that she had about her friend and what might she like to share with folks at the Memorial.

Yesterday, Tracy texted me several thoughts. It was so amazing as right after dinner, I went upstairs to my computer with hopes of writing a poem for Tracy. I sat down and it all came spilling out so quickly. As I was finishing up and completing the last line, I struggled with replacing the word "journey" with another. I could not quite capture the right word. I sat quietly for just a moment and the word "life" just popped in my head. For me, that was the perfect word.

I truly believe Ute helped me write this poem as she spiritually relayed the perfect word to me. After Tracy read the poem this morning, I told her that Ute was with me as I wrote the words. In addition, I shared how I also believe that the poem also expresses Ute's thanks right back to Tracy. The poem is a mirror that reflects to both Tracy and Ute. I feel so honored that Tracy asked me to write a poem. I also feel so blessed that Tracy will be reading it today at her friend's Celebration of Life. Thank you Tracy and Ute. There are no words that will truly express my deep appreciation.


THE JOURNEY　

Life is an ongoing journey
of different roads; different views.
At times the pathway can be bumpy
or smoothly paved with a silken glow.

It was an honor to walk with you
on a journey that always changed.
Up and down, right and left;
          a privilege all the same.

I was never surprised you became a teacher
as education came so natural to you.
You taught me about living while you were dying;
          the toughest subject of all.

How blessed I felt to walk the journey with you.
I’ll forever treasure the memories so near to my heart.
You gifts to me will never be forgotten.
So thank you for sharing your life with me.
 

THREE YEARS AGO

The hospice nurse and I met with "Linda" today to admit her mother to our hospice program. While Linda and I were sitting at her kitchen table, she began to share the tragic story of how her grandson was murdered. Her tears flowed so easily while she was talking. She easily shared the pain of her grief while holding my hand. I sensed that she felt some support and relief while talking about her dear grandson.

Linda shared that music and prayer helps her cope with life's tough times. She is doing what she needs to do to help her cope, but grief always has a way of surprising one while showing up so unexpected.

Linda's mother is ninety-five and has had a long and fulfilling life. She has struggled a bit with heart failure, but was able to live her life her way until recently. Her mother is declining a bit each day and with that decline, Linda's grief is strong. Linda has a huge family that is very supportive to her and her mother. I know she will get through this tough time with her singing, her prayers and her family. And then, every now and then a strong reminder will surface resurfacing the pain of her grandson's death. I pray for her strength.


THREE YEARS AGO　

The tears always will flow
when talking about her grandson.
He had just turned sixteen
when he was brutally murdered
          just three years ago.

They shot and killed him
because he wouldn't do what they wanted.
They were searching for his friend
and demanded answers from him.

The police never found his body,
but the two of them will serve
a life time sentence of 108 years
with no possibility of ever receiving parole.

Now her mom is dying
after living over ninety years.
She struggles to let her mother go
as she so knows the compelling pain of loss.

Her grief is compounded
as it is, again, bringing up
those painful memories
of losing her grandson just three years ago.

Grief and loss are powerful emotions.
No one ever gets a free pass.
Sadly it will continue to happen now and again
as her grandson's grief is
          forevermore.

SHE IS READY

We admitted, “Claudia”, eighty-nine, to our hospice services today. Claudia suffers from Alzheimer’s Disease. Claudia has five sons, who all live nearby with their families. All of her sons are devoted to their mother. One feels the strong love the moment you enter her home. It is so wonderful.

Claudia was lying down in her bedroom. The moment the nurse and I walked in, she gave us such a beautiful smile. One could see her gentle soul and kindness. The family would laugh so easily while teasing. You know they all got it from Mom. They had the nurse and I laughing a lot. I told them that it was very difficult to remain in any kind of professional role when in their presence. It was great.

We were informed that Claudia’s husband died two years ago after a short hospice admission. They said their mother missed their dad every day. Claudia has shared with her sons many times that she is ready.

The family understands and has accepted her wish. They say that she has had a wonderful life, but she misses their father so deeply. Claudia, I wish you peace and know that you will go when it is your time to do so. Here’s to a beautiful journey.


SHE IS READY　

The moment you meet her,
you easily embrace her huge heart.
She immediately gives you one lovely smile
the moment you enter her room.

She's had a full and wonderful life,
raising her five sons till grown.
Traveling all over the world
with her husband of whom she adored.

She is now dependent needing so much help.
Alzheimer's has taken its toll.
She forgets so easily and cannot recall,
but does feel the love of her family around.

"She has good days and bad days,
but each day it is getting worse.
Our dad died on hospice two years ago.
She so misses him every single day."

One wants to help her; to take care of her.
To give her comfort and peace of mind.
But she is so ready for it to be over.
She just wants to totally let go.

She has told her sons,
"I'm slowly dying. I want to be with Papa."
While her sons understandably say,
"She is dying of a broken heart.
She is losing her will to live."

She is ready.
 

FIFTY YEARS

The hospice nurse and I admitted "John" to our hospice program today. John suffers from lung cancer that has spread to his bones. The moment we walked into the home, John welcomed us so graciously. He spoke about his life in such a realistic way. He did not blame anyone for his cancer, but spoke of his years of abusing alcohol and smoking cigarettes.

John has suffered so many losses in his life. All of his relatives are deceased. John embraces his days as no one in his family have survived to see fifty years, but him. John has three daughters who all live nearby and are healthy. Two of John's daughters were present during our visit, and one could so feel the strong love in the home. It was so beautiful to see.

John cherishes each day that he has, while having no fears about dying. He has strong spiritual beliefs and knows that there is an afterlife, but not sure what it is all about. His wife died four years ago and he truly knows he will be seeing her again. He is looking forward to that moment.

I was so amazed by John, as he realistically and easily spoke about his life; the good, the bad and the ugly. He had no blame, but total acceptance. He embraced each day as it came, knowing any day could be his last. I wish him the best.


FIFTY YEARS　

He casually spoke about his life.
How he smoked and drank for years.
His body has reacted to those addictions;
          lung cancer is now in control.

He is very realistic regarding his life.
Fully accepting all that he's been through.
He lost his wife four years ago.
He knows he will see her soon.

He spoke about his family.
How all have died before seeing fifty years.
His mother in her early thirties;
          his father at forty-nine.

He no longer has his siblings;
both brothers have already died.
He does not talk of the strong pain of that loss,
but quietly will say, "I still miss them every day."

I asked him about any fears or concerns.
His answer came from deep in his heart.
"I am in bonus time. I embrace each day.
It's all in my Higher Power's hands".

He's lived twenty years longer than any of them.
His life has been up and down.
He has no regrets or unfinished business.
He just doesn't want to die alone.

His three daughters will grieve him I know,
but are so appreciative of the time that he has had.
All anticipated an early death,
but he has always, and will continue to.
embrace his life no matter how many years.


　
 

SADNESS

The hospice nurse and I went out to meet "Steve", a fifty-seven year old suffering from lung and heart disease. Steve was discharged home this afternoon from the hospital after a two day stay for shortness of breath. We arrived at Steve's travel trailer five minutes after the paramedics arrived. The paramedics were waiting for us to come as did not want to leave Steve alone.

Steve is very weak as his body is fighting constantly to take another breath. The nurse and I walked into Steve's tiny trailer which stopped me as I had never seen such filth, disarray and so many cockroaches.

What amazed me is that Steve didn't seem bothered by it at all as his biggest concern was making sure his medication would always be delivered to his door on time. He did not want to be out of any of his prescription medication.

I am a mandated reported and self neglect is reportable. I did make a referral to Adult Protective Services and they will follow up. My biggest concern is that Steve needs help and he would not allow me to call his brother, who lives nearby. I wanted to assess how available and involved his family is in helping him.

Unfortunately I believe Steve will call 911 and end up in the hospital again. The best plan would be for the hospital to place him in a Skilled Nursing Facility to get the proper care. My heart just breaks for him and for all that he may have missed because of his addiction What a huge loss for him and for all of us as well.


 SADNESS　

He has severe lung and heart disease;
needing oxygen all of the time.
He's had countless ER visits
with complaints of severe chest pain.

He's had a very difficult life
making choices that didn't help much at all.
His biggest worry is delivery of his medicine,
but heroin has grabbed all of his power.

He lives in an unkempt, roach infested trailer
which is just a normal day for him.
No worries about bathing, doing laundry or food;
"Just make sure my medicine arrives on time."

My first impression was
how could anyone live this way?
The filth, the disorder; the chaos.
But then again; addiction always leads the way.

I can't get him off of my mind.
I am haunted by his soul.
What opportunities were there for him?
What might have he achieved?

He knows his time is short.
He has accepted it without fears.
I hope he finds his peace in this life;
but for me, the strongest emotion I have is
pure sadness for him
         and for so many other lost souls.