TEQUILA

“Jason”, fifty-four years old, was diagnosed with liver disease just a few months ago.  Jason truthfully told us that he has been drinking a full bottle of Tequila for decades.  Jason was able to work until his recent diagnosis.  Jason is so real and tells his truth.  He has no regrets or concerns.  He has accepted his fate without any worries stating, “It is what it is”. 

Jason has been married to his wife, Sheila, for thirty-one years.  They have one son who lives locally, but Sheila is hesitant to ask her son for help stating, “He is so busy working”.  As Jason’s decline has been pretty rapid, it is putting more responsibility on Sheila.  She spoke about being “overwhelmed”, but is resistant to ask family or friends for help.  

During our visit, we spoke a lot about Jason’s health concerns and needs, but the last part of the visit was so beautiful.  Jason and Sheila spoke about their love for each other.  Their faces would light up as they spoke about their pure, unconditional love.  In addition, they told us some pretty cute and funny stories about their life together.  

They are a perfect example of what really is important in life for all of us.  If one has love, it so amazingly helps all of us to cope.  Loss is tremendously difficult and emotions do run high, but with love in the picture, the grief may become a bit lighter.  I wish Jason and Sheila the best.  I also want to thank them for welcoming us into their home while sharing their life with us. 

TEQUILA

 

He’s been drinking heavily for years.

“One bottle of Tequila a day”.

His body has lost the battle

as two months ago he heard;

                    Cirrhosis of the Liver.

 

He has declined rapidly since that time.

He is so weak; he needs a walker.

He is eating and drinking a minimal amount.

He is realistic and has easily accepted it all.

 

His focus is not on himself, but his wife

as he was just told, “Likely only a few months”.

He wants to make sure she will be okay.

His love for her is so real; so deep.

 

She wants him to eat more; drink some water,

but he just doesn’t want any of it.

He is ready to go, but she is tightly holding on.

She is appropriately not ready for him to die.

 

He tells us, “She is beautiful; she is wonderful;”

while she lovingly will say the same about him.

There is no criticism; no excuses;

                    no shame.

 

It is about the best gift of all;

pure unconditional love.

Nothing more; nothing less.

It just doesn’t get any better than that.

 

THIS IS SO WHY

I worked for Kaiser Hospital for over twenty-four years.  Half of that time in the Emergency Room while the other half in hospice.  I loved my work tremendously.  Spiritually I was led to Yolo Hospice eight years ago.  I wasn’t even looking for a job, but followed my heart and drove over for the interview. 

Walking into their lobby, I had no thought about quitting Kaiser.  Two hours after the job interview, Yolo called and offered me the job.  It was to do the admissions for their program.  I was a case manager at Kaiser which brings along a lot of responsibility and interruptions in one’s day.  Doing admissions gives me pleasure as the Admitting Department tells me the time and place of an admission and I go with the Admitting nurse.  I meet so many amazing people while getting to hear their stories.  I explain the hospice program while assessing their grief, their support and over all how things are going.  I then return to the office to document and then I am done and onto the next admission. 

I meet so many amazing, appreciative folks.  It doesn’t get any better.  The rewards are seeing grateful faces and hearing appreciative words routinely.  We all hear thank you so frequently, it is so wonderful.  I truly believe it is the little things that are profound.  We all walk in with our hearts while patients and families feel that love.  

This grieving husband gave me a priceless hug.  This is a perfect example of why I do what I do.  I will continue to do this work, until the time, which may or may not come, when it is my time to go.  I tell people, “When it becomes work, I will then go.” 

THIS IS SO WHY 

 

I, occasionally will get asked

similar questions now and then;

“When are you going to retire?

When are you going to quit?”

 

I retired eight years ago

from a job I totally loved.

I was spiritually led here

knowing it was my time to come.

 

I am honored to do what I do.

Wanting and needing our support,

folks graciously welcome us into their home.

Then thank us so deeply just for our presence.

 

They have been married for over fifty years.

An inter-racial, gay couple.

Becoming one in the prejudice 1970’s,

made them love each other even more.

 

His grief penetrated him so deeply.

I listened and validated what he had to say.

I didn’t say much but graciously

offered empathy and heartfelt support.

 

As I was leaving, he stopped me on the front porch.

He paused and stood quietly for a moment.

Then turning, he hugged me so tightly;

while trembling, he gently laid his head on my shoulder.

 

He was thanking me for my support

while giving me the greatest gift of all.

This is why I continue to do what I do.

               This is so why.

 

HARD WORKER

 “Jon”, seventy-three, was diagnosed with Bladder Cancer two years ago.  Coincidently, it was two weeks after his retirement.  Jon underwent chemotherapy and radiation, but his cancer continued to grow and metastasize.  Jon chose to stop treatment one month ago.  Since that time, he has become weaker and needing more help with his daily activities.  Jon can no longer ambulate and is bedridden.  He is dependent with all of his needs. 

Jon has been married for over fifty years.  They have three children and many grandchildren.  All of the family lives nearby and are very devoted to their father and to each other.  Jon’s daughter, “Anna”, told me that they have a “Joint Family”.  They all look out for each other.  It was so wonderful to hear their family stories of support and love. 

The family is struggling with Jon’s decline as he has always been a fighter.  The doctor had previously mentioned hospice over a year ago.  Jon and the family said no to hospice at that time.  Anna feels that her father is living because he is such a strong fighter. 

It appears that likely the family will all be shocked when Jon dies, but I know their love for each other and their strong faith will help them cope.  I believe that Jon isn’t the only “fighter” in this family.  They are strong!

HARD WORKER 

 

Coming to America thirty-five years ago,

his first concern was to support his family.

He was a professor in his home land,

while aware; that career likely was no more.

 

He labored in the fields, in a cannery

and the largest department store around.

Often working double shifts;

so focused on his family’s needs.

 

He retired two years ago last month.

Then, two weeks later, he heard the news.

“Chemotherapy and radiation are next

as it is cancer that has spread to your bones.”

 

These past two weeks have been dramatic.

His decline has been suddenly swift.

He is bedridden and not eating much at all.

It is so likely that his time is near.

 

The family cannot see his downturn as;

“He has forever been a fighter.

He has always had a strong will to live.

               He never gives up!”

 

He will continue to fight until the end

as that is how he handles difficult times.

He won’t go until he knows his family is okay;

as his focus is always to do what’s best for them.

 

He will live his life and manage his death

in the only way he knows how.

He will forevermore take care of his family,

as he is, and eternally will always be,

               a Hard Worker.

 

WHO HE IS

The hospice nurse and I went out to admit, “Josh”, fifty-five, to our hospice program.  Josh was diagnosed with cancer just two years ago.  It has now spread to his bones.  Josh has been married to his wife, “Tracy”, for over thirty years.  They have two sons who live nearby.  Josh is one of seven children.  Three of his siblings were at the bedside; along with Tracy and their two sons.  They all started to share Josh stories.  They proudly stated, “He is the Patriarch of the family”, while adding, “He always made everyone laugh.” 

The family brought out photographs to share with us while telling us stories about “the true Josh”.  In all of the photos, Josh looked so robust and handsome with an amazing smile.  They shared so many stories, while laughing at the antics that Josh had up his sleeve.  One so felt the love between all of them in the home. 

I often tell families, that their loved one’s disease is such a small portion of who they truly are.  Patients are so much more.  This family surely expressed that in such an amazing and beautiful way.  I hoped Josh heard our conversation as their stories so truly state what a wonderful man he is.

WHO HE IS

 

He has declined so quickly

in these past few weeks.

Where up and walking a month ago,

he is now totally bedridden.

 

He stopped eating yesterday;

while drinking no fluid at all.

He’s unresponsive most of the time.

The family is aware and gathering around.

 

His wife and sons are at the bedside;

as is his six siblings from afar.

Two live out of the country;

while the others many miles away.

 

We all stood around his bedside

so aware that his time is short.

They started telling us his life stories;

how he would always make everyone laugh.

 

They showed us dozens of photos

of family gatherings, weddings and trips.

With each photo they shared his stories

while pointing to him in healthier days.

 

What we first saw was an imminent patient

who likely only had days to live;

but hearing their amazing stories and love for him,

we truly saw a beautiful husband, father and family man.

 

They wanted us to see the person whom he truly is;

not the unhealthy man he has recently become.

They were so perfectly letting us know;

               “This is truly

                               who he is!”

 

HER LIFE

I went out to admit, “Randy”, fifty-nine years old, to our hospice program.  Randy has suffered from cardiac disease for many, many years.  He had to go on disability over ten years ago due to his health.  He and his wife, “Angela”, live on forty beautiful acres outside of town.   They have lived there for almost thirty years; the number of years they have been together. 

Randy and Angela have a son, “Scott”, who attends college in another state.  Due to his father’s recent and rapid decline, he has come home to stay for the duration.  He wants to be there to support both of his parents.

 When I walked into their home to do the admission, Randy was in a deep sleep.  Due to his pain, Angela was giving his medication on the hour.  He had stopped eating and drinking for several days.  I knew his time was short. 

Angela was so realistic regarding her husband’s status and prognosis.  She was very practical about it all.  She said that sitting out on their front porch was so spiritual for her.  It gave her comfort.  In addition, she has several friends who live nearby; along with other extended family.  She has tremendous support which I know will help her cope after his death. 

I called her this morning as I found out two days ago that he quietly died.  Her being realistic, I wasn’t surprised at how she was coping.  She spoke so naturally about her emotions along with explaining her husband’s death.  I know she will have some heartbreaking moments, but also will be blessed with some beautiful memories.  She knows she can call hospice for bereavement support as needed at any time.

HER LIFE

 

They live out in the country

on forty acres of agricultural land.

The ambiance of nature enhanced by

fruit trees, goats and even two llamas.

 

They have lived there for almost three decades;

the length of time they’ve been together.

She copes by sitting out on the wooden front porch,

while allowing nature to embrace her soul.

 

He’s been sick for half of those years;

but still able to do quite a bit.

She always knew she would likely outlive him,

while still not wanting to face that day.

 

Their son came home from college;

to emotionally support his mother and his dad.

When I asked her how long she has been married;

I was so surprised when she happily said, “Yesterday”.

 

I called today to offer condolences and support

as he died two days ago, shortly after my visit.

She shared, “I am doing okay,

               but I have my moments.”

 

“I am less anxious and stressed

as he is no longer suffering.

I also have a lot of relief

as he passed very peacefully.”

 

She’s thought about this day for many years

but the reality of it all is so powerful and strong.

“I guess now I am living alone in this ranch house.

This is the first day of

               My New Life.”

 

ALL ALONE

“John” was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s Disease five years ago.  John lives with his wife, “Annie”, in a Residential Care Facility, which offers a lot of support with John’s care.  Annie said that in two days they will have been married sixty-nine years.  The couple have two sons who both live nearby.  Both of their sons are very involved and supportive.  

Annie also has three sisters living about half a mile away.  Her sons and sisters call frequently and are very supportive as the need arises.  This is a very large, supportive, involved and loving family.  Annie said that they moved into the facility about five months ago.  She already has made so many friends due to her bubbly personality.  Annie herself is ready to help anyone, but like most of us, finds it difficult to ask for help. 

Annie lovingly spoke about her three sisters.  One of her sisters became widowed about two years ago and offers a lot of support having experienced herself the loss of a spouse.  Annie and John are so blessed with their family and the facility’s support.  But, in the end, Annie is losing the love of her life.  Her grief, not surprisingly, is very powerful.  After sixty-nine years, it won’t be easy, but I so appreciate her insight regarding her emotions.  I know she will reach out as needed.  I wish her all of the best.

ALL ALONE 

 

She is the primary caregiver for her husband.

They’ve been married sixty-nine years.

He was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s a few years ago.

His decline is slow; but constant.

 

He is becoming increasingly weaker.

He can no longer walk alone.

They cut up his food into small pieces

as he struggles with swallowing at times.

 

They reside in an Assisted Living environment.

The staff help out with a lot of his care.

Both of their sons live nearby

and offer tremendous support.

 

She also has three sisters

who all live just down the road.

They call and visit all of the time.

She so values their help and comfort.

 

I asked her what helps her cope

when she hits a bump in the road.

She said she loves to do puzzles;

while so embracing her family and friends.

 

But then, she slowly turned inward

and with a soft voice quietly said,

“It’s not easy, as when I think of him dying,

I truly will be

               all alone.”

 

IT IS WHAT IT IS

A large part of a Social Work assessment is to ask about how the patient and family are coping.  There is no right or wrong way to cope. I tell patients and families, “However you are coping or feeling is called “normal”. 

Today I went out to admit, “Lily”, seventy years old, to hospice.  She was diagnosed with ALS or Lou Gehrig’s Disease over three years ago.  She lives with her husband, “Eddie”, who is so focused on how he can help her.  He recently retired and is home to help her as needed.  Fortunately, the couple have funds to pay for hired caregiver support. 

Lily is totally dependent with all of her needs.  She can only move her head.  She is no longer able to speak and can only communicate using head movements.  She appeared calm and relaxed which represents her strength.  One must feel so trapped into their own body. 

Eddie was a matter-of-fact person.  He wanted the truth and accepted whatever came his way.  He has researched ALS thoroughly as wants to know what to expect and also how he can help her.  He accepts reality as stated, “It is what it is”.  He may have no control over ALS’s power, but he looks to what he does have power over.  

When I asked him what helps him cope, he spoke about life after her death.   He honestly shared, “I would love to learn how to play the piano”.  Then quickly adding, “I must get a new hobby.”  

I so admired his honesty.  When one tells you their truth, it so gives you ways to help him back.  It struck me today when he said, “It is what it is”.  I am never surprised when I hear that statement as I do hear it a lot.  I view it as one looking at ways that can be helpful and not trying to knock down a brick wall.  

I cannot even imagine, but I know Lily and Eddie’s journey is so challenging.  I hope we can help both of them the best way we, as an agency, can; because to us too, “It is what it is”.

IT IS WHAT IT IS 

 

Three years ago, she heard,

“It is Lou Gehrig’s Disease.

There is no cure, only decline.

So heartlessly, it impacts everything 

               but your brain.”

 

Her decline has been constant since then,

with precious moments of stability.

He feels the more he knows,

the better he can support her

during her expected downhill ride

 

He’s researched the disease.

He is a realistic while grasping the truth.

He wants to know all about it;

while accepting the grim facts.

 

She is totally dependent.

Now only able to move her head.

She is alert and oriented,

but no longer able to speak.

 

When asked how he is coping,

he honestly replied;

“It is what it is.

               I have no control.

                             I don’t dwell on it.”

 

He is also realistic regarding her needs.

“She was a very active person.

This must be so hard for her."

Then one more time softly stating,

               “It is what it is”.