IT'S NORMAL

These past two months have been a tremendous challenge.  I had an allergic reaction to an over-the-counter cream which left me with inflammation and tremendous raw wounds.  The intense pain and nausea came on so quickly.  It brought up thoughts like, “Why is this happening?  What am I supposed to do?” 

After about five days, the pain and nausea traveled to my stomach.  It was so distracting that the majority of my thoughts were on comfort and/or finding some relief from the intense pain.  I felt so trapped and saw no end in sight.

 Yesterday I had an endoscopy where a small camera was placed down my throat into my stomach.  I was fully sedated and only have memories of waking up in the recovery room.  But the best part of all was learning, “Your exam was normal”. 

Upon waking up this morning I was so totally aware that this was the first time in two months I felt totally normal again.  Today was a routine day, but that routine reminded me so strongly how wonderful normal and routine days are.  Quite often, we take those days for granted as when experiencing them, we never think it could totally end.  We so often take our health for granted, until it is taken away.

I hope to never again take “normal” for granted.  It is a treasure; it is a gift; it is what keeps us going each day.  I have often said to patients and families, “Embrace this moment, as that is all that any of us have.”  Such true words, but so often, so easy to forget.  I hope this is a lesson that I will always remember.  So please, let this also become my normal.

 

IT’S NORMAL  

     

I woke up this morning feeling normal.

It’s been almost two months

since I have felt that amazing,

commonplace, natural trait. 

 

It was just eight weeks ago that I was jolted

so suddenly away from my normal lifestyle.

My control was abruptly swept away

as the pain and nausea were now the ones in charge.

 

My focus swiftly turned to finding relief,

but not knowing which way to turn.

So many physicians puzzled with a diagnosis

as all of my tests kept coming back “normal”.

 

It was likely an allergic reaction

triggering a bacterium which caused an ulcer.

Yesterday, with tremendous relief,

the scope results stated, “Your exam is normal”.

 

It was so wonderful to get up this morning,

take a shower and get dressed for work.

To eat a simple breakfast with no pain at all.

 Everyday tasks; so wonderful, yet so normal.

 

Yes, it’s fun to travel or to purchase a new car;

but what I treasure most is simply being with my family;

spending time with my friends or just going for a walk.

It’s called ordinary; it’s called routine.

 

What I love most of all is so what I deeply cherish.

               It is simply called “normal”.

 

HE KNOWS

“Lillian”, ninety-two years of age, was diagnosed with dementia several years ago.  Lillian has six children, of which none live locally.  “Shawn”, her grandson, is more like a son to her.  She has raised him since he was two years old as he no longer could live with his mother.  Shawn shared that Lillian is “more my mother than grandmother”.   

 

Several years ago, when it became apparent that Lillian could no longer safely live alone, Shawn brought her to his own home.  Shawn has a wonderful, caring wife, “Lauren”, who was very receptive to Lillian moving in.  Lauren works days, while Shawn works nights.  Their schedule is so that Lillian is never left alone.   

 

Lillian has been in a recent decline to where she is sleeping more and eating a lot less.  She has become weaker which increased her dependence.  Shawn and Lauren keep moving forward without any complaints. 

 

Shawn could not thank the hospice nurse and I enough just for being there to sign Lillian onto our hospice program.  Shawn was amazing.  He is so focused on the good in his life; be it situations or people.  His appreciation is so apparent.  At one point, Shawn stated, “I learned from my mother what not to do.”  Even with that statement, it came across uplifting with no hint of a complaint. 

 

Shawn is living his life the best way he knows how; positive and uplifting.  How wonderful that that attitude and personality is being taught to his three young children.  Way to go Shawn!!! 

HE KNOWS 

  

He knows she is his grandmother, 

but is more like a mother to him. 

She’s raised him since he was two; 

when no longer able to live with his mom.  

 

She is now bedridden with dementia. 

Total care is so what she needs. 

He so strongly has to take care of her; 

hence, he lovingly moved her into his home. 

 

She is weaker and sleeping more; 

not eating much food at all. 

He knows her quality of life is gone, 

but is so deeply grieving this huge loss. 

 

Parts of his life have been rough, 

but he chooses to see the good. 

Living through those difficult times 

makes positive moments more noticeable. 

 

When asked what helps him cope, 

he so clearly knows where to turn. 

“It is to my kids where I always need to go. 

New Life; new generation; new future”.

 

He so deeply, so clearly, 

so beautifully, so naturally 

               knows. 

NUMBER SEVENTEEN

We got a late, urgent hospice referral for “Maria”, ninety-five.  Maria has had kidney disease for many, many years, but it never slowed her down.  In the recent past, all has rapidly changed to where she has become so weak and needing continuous help and support. 

Maria stated “sixteen” when I asked her how many children she had.  Three of her sons were in the home while we were doing her admission.  Maria did not speak English, but one could feel the love she had for her family and for her life.  The family had a lot of humor as her three sons had the hospice nurse and I laughing from the moment we walked in.  

Maria lives alone, but is now never alone.  Thirteen of her sixteen children all live locally.  The children are all sharing caring for their mother so she has continual support.  Her sons told us many stories about their mom that just melted my heart.  She was such a devoted mother who always put her family first. 

We felt the strong love in the home which reflects her children, but especially Maria, as she taught her children to care for others in such a beautiful way.  Her sons showed love through their attentiveness toward their mother, but also, with their cute and funny humor.  It brought out the nurses and my humor as they had us laughing continuously.  Her sons would share to their mother what we had said and she would laugh so sweetly. 

It was an honor to have met this patient and family.  A beautiful example of pure love and devotion while teasing along the way.  It doesn’t get any better.

NUMBER SEVENTEEN

 

She turned ninety-five three months ago.

She had a few health issues which slowed her down,

but nothing too serious to not allow her

               to continue living alone.

 

All has changed these past few months.

She’s suddenly become very weak

now needing her walker to slowly get around;

causing shortness of breath with any effort.

 

She has sixteen children; most living nearby.

She raised them all while doing field work.

All sixteen agree unanimously;

“She’s tough; she’s strong’ she’ll make it work!”

 

They all had us laughing

the moment we walked in.

Her sons teased her, and each other,

in such a beautiful, loving way.

 

She didn’t speak English, but one could feel

the strong love between them all.

I crowned her “Queen Maria” while she

so deservingly embraced their support.

 

I honored each of them for all the love they had.

I so wish our paths will cross again.

As I was leaving, I sweetly told her,

I want to adopt you.

               I am your number seventeen.”

             

 

 

HELL

About five weeks ago, I used an over-the-counter cream.  One day later, I suffered a major infection causing extreme pain from inflammation and raw open wounds.  The pain came on suddenly.  The next day I saw a physician who stated that it was an allergic reaction.  She gave me some cream which would help it to heal.  Pain and nausea continued to increase to an extreme.  I again saw another doctor who confirmed what the first doctor stated.  She gave me a stronger cream, which was wonderful.  It worked immediately, although only for a short time.  

The pain and nausea were in my stomach which was horrendous.  It would wake me up from a deep sleep as if I were punched in my stomach.  The pain was extreme and left me shaking while being short of breath.  During the course of the next few weeks, I tried hard to connect with a clinic physician in order to have a contact person to text, talk or email.   My primary physician is on maternity leave and not available. That resulted into several emergency room visits for pain control.  The last two emergency room visits were strongly encouraged by two separate urgent care physicians.  

It was hard to diagnosis what was happening as all of my tests and scans came back normal.  I heard many options of what it could be.  I am now seeing a specialist and hopefully will soon get clarification of what was going on.  Fortunately, I am now back to normal.  Learning of what the diagnosis is will help me a lot.  I strongly want to know what I can do for this never to reoccur.  

My family and friend support is what has gotten me through this challenging month.  Secondary, what I need the most is to return to my normal life.  That is what we all cherish and hope to never, ever lose.

HELL

 

The entrance to the theme park was inviting.

So many rides and delights to choose from.

It felt safe to walk in through the door marked “Hell”;

not knowing it would be the roughest month of my life.

 

The pain and nausea were immediate

the moment I passed over the threshold.

“An allergic reaction; how do you know that?

I just walked in through your main door.”

 

The pain and nausea increased as I moved along.

I quickly turned toward a side door marked ED.

Five emergency room visits in such a short time.

Several being strongly encouraged by you.

 

All tests and scans came back normal.

So many educated guesses as to what was going on.

You strongly stating, “We don’t diagnosis in the ED.”

No definitive answers as to why sudden attacks of pain.

 

I continued to walk through the doors and long passages;

while finally finding the exit door for wonderful relief.

The pain and nausea slowly receding.

Once again able to breathe fresh air; to find my normal.

 

I hope to never again be tempted

to walk through your door marked “Hell”.

It has taught me what I cherish and need most of all;

               my family; my friends; my support.

                              Nothing more.

 

STRAIGHT FACED

“John” turned ninety-two four months ago.  John was widowed and lived alone in a small house with his dog, “Molly”.   He had two daughters, “Kelly” and “Laura”.  Both daughters lived nearby and helped their dad as much as he would let them.  John was very independent and strongly wanted to do things his way.  

He had been very strong and independent most all of his life until this past year.  A few health issues arose, but he was determined to continue to do his life his way while living alone with Molly.  When I asked John and his daughters about long term planning, they had no answer.  There may come a time when John can no longer live alone.  John had always been independent that likely it was hard for his daughters to even think it could be any other way. 

John had the straightest face during the entire visit; whether serious or using his humor.  His doctor made a referral to hospice as well as to our Palliative Care Program.  John met the criteria for Palliative Care as he had minimal lung disease and swelling in his legs that needed some treatment.  John so strongly wanted hospice as there is much more care available as hospice patients so need it. 

John would be serious and then suddenly shift gears making all of us laugh.  His face remained the same no matter what we were discussing.  He was so practical and knew exactly what he wanted.  

When I asked John about his spiritual beliefs, he said he had no beliefs of any afterlife.  That is when he left us with his great parting words.  I wish him the best.

STRAIGHT FACED 

 

Living past ninety years of age,

he’s been healthy most of his life.

This past year though,

a few medical issues have arisen. 

 

He no longer can ambulate

due to swelling in his legs;

but is determined and strong

using his wheelchair to easily get around.

 

He wanted to be admitted to hospice,

but he was too healthy to qualify.

He straight-faced strongly asked,

“Why can’t I just get that help?”

 

He was direct and practical;

intensely letting us know what he wanted.

But then, he also had a great sense of humor

that would make all of us laugh.

 

Being serious or comical,

his temperament always remained the same.

His straight face expressed his truth,

be it funny or true to his basic wishes.

 

Straight faced at the end of our visit,

he left us with a few words

leaving all of us laughing.

No one straight faced at all;

 

“You are dead a long time.

               When you die, you are D-E-D.”

 

  

THUMBS UP

We admitted “Glenn”, sixty-two, to our hospice today.  He was diagnosed with Lou Gehrig’s Disease (ALS) only five months ago.  He was walking one month ago, but now, due to a rapid decline, is wheelchair bound.  Glenn has become so much weaker with some paralysis.  Glenn lives with his wife, “Kelly”, who so lovingly dotes on him.  

Glenn is no longer able to talk.  He uses a computer screen to type his thoughts.  Glenn had the most beautiful smile while using humor to cope.  We would continually see him smile as we laughed.  It gave him such pleasure. 

Glenn has so accepted his fate.  He has a strong Christian faith which helps him cope.  He had no fears about dying.  When asking Glenn questions, he would type a response and then give us a thumbs up making sure we knew he was saying “Yes”. 

His words were so beautiful and powerful.  I felt he knew all of the answers about life.  At one point toward the end of our visit, I leaned down to Glenn and said to him, with grateful tears in my eyes, “You are wise beyond your years.  I will never forget you.”  

I so believe life here on Earth is our school.  We are all students at times while also being, at other times, teachers.  Glenn so strongly and beautifully is a very wise teacher to us all.

THUMBS UP

 

He was diagnosed only five months ago;

now in a recent one-month decline.

Early sixties with Lou Gehrig’s Disease.

               So cruel; so unfair.

 

He was in his recliner when we walked in.

No longer able to talk; he types on a screen.

He greeted us with the most beautiful smile

while giving us a thumbs up to come on in.

 

He is so realistic and accepting of his status.

“My life style determines my death style.

Life happens and then it doesn’t.”

Giving us another thumbs up that “It is all okay”.

 

He has a law degree from a nearby university,

but worked as a social work case manager

in the county nearby where he lives.

“I miss my clients.  It was a privilege.”

 

His typed words, also, so easily expressed his humor.

We would slowly read as he typed;

and then he’d show us his amazing smile.

So pleased that he made us all giggle.

 

He chose humor again to make me laugh

when I asked him about what helps him cope.

He again showed us his beautiful smile while typing,

               “I love Metallica and porn”.

 

It was I, who then, while laughing,

               gave him an indebted

                              thumbs up.

 

 

 

STEREOTYPE

Hospice received a referral this morning for “Rusty”, fifty-eight years of age.  Prior to driving to his home, I had the opportunity to read his past medical history.  He has abused drugs and alcohol for decades.  Without much effort, an image gently plants itself into my brain of what I likely may find meeting with Rusty. 

I drove to his home in an industrial part of town.  His home was one of three tightly tucked near a large trucking company next door.  My thoughts started to soften quickly when I read the door matt near the front door.  It had me laughing out loud.  The matt looked like it had been there for many, many winters.  It said, “Come back with a warrant”.  I loved it. 

Rusty’s wife, Kimmy, welcomed me so kindly into their home.  We walked into the bedroom to say hello to Rusty and his son, “Shawn”.  Both men were covered in tattoos.  Drug abuse and tattoos can set up false images of who Rusty, Kimmy and Shawn truly were. 

I immediately fell in love with this family.  Rusty immediately stated that he wants to be told the truth.  His doctor told him one day ago about hospice.  Randy asked his doctor, “Am I dying?”  No one can truly answer that question as five people can have the same diagnosis and will have five different journeys. 

Rusty, along with his wife and son, were so appreciative of our support and visit.  They all used humor to cope and spoke about the good in their life.  It is a perfect example of how some people have to learn their lessons a harder way than most, but the important part is that they all did learn.  Grace to all of them.

STEREOTYPE

 

We received a hospice referral today.

Liver cancer which now has spread.

He’s been through chemotherapy and radiation.

There is nothing more that can be done.

 

Reading his medical record tells a long story;

living his life the only way he knew.

He has a history of illegal drug and alcohol abuse

spanning over way to many years.

 

Their home is located in an industrial area.

Semis and big rigs come and go routinely.

I had a vague idea of what I may encounter

before I walked through their front door.

 

His wife gently welcomed me in.

He, like his son, were covered in tattoos.

My expectations steered me in one direction,

but his love, his family, his heart

corrected me to where I needed to go.

 

He wanted to be told the truth, asking

“How much longer will I live?”

I responded, “There is no one who can tell you;

but we will support you to do this your way.”

 

He denied any fears or concerns;

having no regrets or unfinished business.

His strong Lutheran faith gives him strength.

He is ready to go when it is his time.

 

We all have subtle expectations regarding stereotypes.

He did not follow any of those rules.

His strength is being true to who he is;

while accepting himself and others alike.

 

His stereotype is now so clear to me;

giving and receiving unconditional love.

“I am looking forward to seeing my mom again.

               I’ve had a good time.”