HER PERSONAL JOURNEY

The hospice nurse and I met with "Jackie" today to admit her to our program. Jackie, fifty-two is homeless. Jackie spends her days on the streets, while at night, she sleeps in a nearby shelter. The nurse and I met Jackie at that shelter.

I immediately say Jackie's spirit. She had a beautiful soul; an amazing spirit. Jackie told her truth. She was sexually abused by her older brother as a child. She spoke with her mother about it. Her mother told her not to tell anyone. For years, Jackie kept silent. Jackie's father was an alcoholic so liquor was available to her. She started to drink her father's alcohol at age nine to cope.

Jackie shared how she wishes she did things differently. She felt she may have had the help she needed at that young age. I validated her feelings saying how she reacted and felt at that time, was normal for any nine year old. Jackie shared such sad details of her life.

She lived four decades more trying to cope by using drugs and alcohol. I believe her liver disease and its symptoms gave Jackie awareness of her reality. She has looked deeply into her life. The moment I met her, I saw her beautiful soul and her spirit. I shared with Jackie that her life experiences, although so sad, did guide her to find her true self; her beautiful heart.

I felt honored to have met Jackie. I also feel that we were meant to meet up. So shared how so many people judge her. I so respected her honestly while sharing her life and emotions with us. I saw her beautiful soul; her amazing spirit. She thanked us for listening to her without judgment. I wish her the best and hope she finds what she needs to help her to continue on as best as she can be. God bless you Jackie.


HER PERSONAL JOURNEY　

Her life story is a tragedy gone bad.
Sexually abused at age eight by an older brother;
drinking her father's whiskey to help her cope.
Her life continued to go downhill from there.

Drug and alcohol abuse stayed with her for decades.
She tried multiple treatment programs to no avail.
Five years in prison for selling heroine didn't stop her.
And then, not surprisingly, liver disease; stage 4.

She lost her family; she lost her home.
During the day; living on the streets.
The cold, the rain, hot scorching summer days.
Then finding a shelter for night time sleep.

Her liver disease is now impacting her life.
It stopped her abruptly to face reality.
She has been clean and sober for over a year.
She now truly knows, she needs outside help.

She is so truthful about her life.
Not blaming others for the way things have been.
Looking inward while blaming herself; full of regrets.
not seeing her truth; her inner spirit or her heart.

She felt helpless; not wanting to do this alone.
I validated her emotions; I normalized her thoughts.
"Although your experiences were difficult,
you learned from them; they made you grow
to become the beautiful person you are today."

What is the purpose for her heartbreaking life?
Somehow it seems so unfair; so unwarranted;
although it brought out her spirituality; her beautiful beliefs.
Maybe it guided her; it directed her to walk her journey.
          Her own personal journey.
 

LOSS OF A CHILD

This morning, the hospice nurse and I met with "Eileen". Eileen is ninety-two years old and was just informed three days ago that she has cancer. Treatment options were very limited and Eileen chose not to pursue any treatment. The doctors told her that she has likely only a few weeks to live.

Eileen took the news in stride. She has accepted her fate like she has accepted other challenges in her life. Eileen had six children. Three of her children have preceded her in death. Loss has happened so often throughout her life. She easily accepts what will be as that is the coping mechanism that works for her.

She amazed me with her strength of living her life the best way she knows how. Eileen now is focusing on completing all the estate paperwork that needs to be completed. Two of her children live nearby and will be helping her with those tasks.

This afternoon, another hospice nurse and I went out to meet "Theresa". We were told it was an informational visit only. The patient was Theresa's daughter, who was in a hospital ICU nearby. That is all that we knew as Theresa was the one who called hospice for us to make a visit.

Theresa needed to talk about her daughter, "Donna", who suffered from kidney and liver failure. Donna has been in the ICU for over a month needing continual dialysis. Theresa and her family will be meeting with her daughter's doctors tomorrow to talk about the best options for Donna.

We were softly direct with Theresa sharing that the best plan is to follow Donna's wishes. The options are so limited while being difficult; go on life supports or die in the hospital. It was then that Theresa spoke about her Catholic belief in afterlife.

During the last part of our visit, Theresa spoke about her son, who died six years ago from heart disease. His death was quick and sudden and she has come to terms with her faith regarding that loss.

I was so inspired by each mother. I so believe that the loss of a child has to be the hardest loss of all. I admire Eileen and Theresa as both were grieving in a way that worked for them. Such a huge loss has left them both stronger and braver than before. Peace be with both of them.


LOSS OF A CHILD
　

It was just three days ago
she was told it was cancer.
There is no treatment; no cure.
Likely only weeks to live.

She took the news in stride
like she has always done in her life.
Hearing and accepting what will be.
Living her life the best way she can.

She has already lost three of her six children.
I asked her, "How do you cope with such losses?"
She answered the only way she knew how,
          "I just continue to move forward."

Later today, another mom called us out for help.
Her daughter is gravely ill in a nearby hospital.
Her kidneys have failed; her liver is shot.
          "What are we to do?"

"The options are limited.
Life supports versus dying in the hospital.
There is no right or wrong answer.
Focus on following your daughter's wishes."

Her Christian faith strongly sustains her.
"Our children are only loaned to us.
God brings them back home to Heaven
when their time here on Earth is done."

Both mothers have lost more than one child.
They have found their own way to cope; to grieve.
"No parent should ever attend their child's funeral.
          That is the cruelest loss of all."

　

 

STORYTELLER

The hospice nurse and I met ninety-eight year old, “Jim” today to admit him to hospice. Jim was diagnosed with stomach cancer just three weeks ago. There is no treatment options for him at this time. Jim has accepted his status and poor prognosis with ease.

Jim immediately started to share his amazing life stories. He has had a very interesting life with historic value. Jim put such a positive spin on every aspect of his life; whether good or bad. Jim always focused on the positives in his life. So wonderfully, he also had an amazing sense of humor.

He has two adult children and several grandchildren. He is deeply loved by all of them. The nurse and I immediately fell in love with him. His positive attitude about life was so engaging. He saw life as positive and would not accept any other philosophy. He was an inspiration. I felt honored to have met him, if only for this one short visit.


STORYTELLER
　

Hitting ninety-eight years a few months back,
he tells wonderful stories about his long life.
Although, sadly, a recent cancer diagnosis,
may impede him from ever seeing ninety-nine.

He has no fears about dying.
He sees it like he sees all other of his life events.
Whether good or bad, his philosophy is the same;
"Always stay positive at what life may suddenly bring."

He was born in Oklahoma during the Dust Bowl era;
being number eleven of the twelve children born.
He spoke about poverty during the Deep Depression.
How they grew vegetables and beef just to survive.

He joined the military during World War II
transporting thousands of injured soldiers
across the Pacific Ocean on the Queen Mary;
sharing stories of courage and escapades too.

He married his sweetheart right after the war.
Not surprising, he shared wonderful stories about their life.
His goal is to live to see March 10th of this year;
to celebrate the 75 years of their marriage together.

He loves talking about his life while telling his stories,
always seeing the positive in every tale.
After he turned ninety, a friend wrote his stories down.
He cleverly titled it, “Nine Decades and Counting.”

When asked about his secret to living a long life,
his answer was simple and to the point,
"Live each day; one at a time."
It is so obvious that he has done this
for over ninety-eight of his glorious years.

HER GOODBYE

"Mona", eighty years old, was admitted to hospice several weeks ago. Mona has three children and seven grandchildren. Mona lives with her adult granddaughter, "Jessica". Also residing in the home is Jessica's husband and their two young children.

Jessica has been her Grandmother's primary caregiver since she became ill several years ago. Mona had been managing her lung disease and life fairly independently until about two months ago. Mona started to become weak and a bit wobbly on her feet. As Mona's needs increased, so did Jessica's help.

Mona and Jessica have an amazing relationship. They both have the same values and beliefs about life. It is all about loving your family and supporting them their individual way.

Several of the family members are in denial and do not believe that Mona may be dying. Denial is such a powerful coping mechanism as it allows one to cope in baby steps. It can help one process a situation slowly in order to come to terms with it. Upon seeing Mona today, she appears imminent. She likely only has a few days at most.

When Jessica shared her Grandmother's last words to me, I got goose bumps. In the end, that sums up so perfectly what life is all about.


HER GOODBYE　

She and Grandma have always been close.
They share years of many special moments.
But as they both truly believe, the best part is;
their love for each other is unconditional.

She would do anything for Grandma
as Grandma has always felt the same.
Now that Grandma is ill and needing help,
she is one-hundred percent by her side.

Grandma's disease is progressing.
She doesn't have much time.
Her family is rallying around; giving support.
"Just how can one tell her goodbye."

Attempting to capture years of memories
with only a few precious words to use.
"Thank you Grandma, for all that you have done;
doesn't quite capture the significance of it all."

Grandma is no longer eating or drinking.
It is extremely hard to find her awake.
In her recent past, she has strongly told her family,
"Just make sure you keep me home."

Grandma is in her dying process.
Maybe only hours to a few days is all.
Yesterday she tenderly told her Granddaughter;
"If I die, always remember I love you."

Her final words
          Her final, beautiful goodbye.

HER PERSPECTIVE

"John", ninety-three, suffers from cardiac disease. He recently suffered a heart attack which has left him weak and needing more help with his daily activities. John has been married to his wife, "Betty" for almost sixty years. They have three children, but. unfortunately, none live nearby.

Betty is John's primary caregiver. John is able to ambulate without any devices, but does move slow. At the beginning of our visit, we asked Betty how we could specifically help her, as each time we asked a general question, Betty would tell us a story in such a negative way. We thought that asking her for specific details would help her to let us know her needs. Betty just could not do that. No matter what we asked, we always heard about a new complaint she has held onto for many years.

I spoke with John separately at the end of the visit, while the nurse was talking to Betty about John's medications. He apologized for her and I responded by telling him that it was good that she was letting us know what did not work, but our goal is to help both of you in a way that would work. One could feel the deep love he had for his wife.

At the end of the visit, I asked Betty about what she did to help herself over the rough patches in her life. For once, she thought about it and said she has a close girlfriend. She added that she had just spoken with her yesterday on the phone. Her friend lives about thirty minutes away. I told Betty that I had a homework assignment for her. I told her that the first thing to do, once we leave, is to call her girlfriend for support. She had such a "Yes" look on her face. I hope she did call her friend as she needs support to be provided to her in a positive way. That is something that is so hard for her to find. I hope our visit, even for just a little bit, helped her to do that.


HER PERSPECTIVE

Life is all about perspective.
We all view occurrences our own unique way.
We all can receive some good along with some bad.
Our distinct reaction is what can help keep us sane.

She is close to eighty years old.
She has a sweet husband who adores her.
She is his primary caretaker
as she is fifteen years his junior.

We came out to offer support.
Asking her about ways we could help.
She never did answer us directly,
but did share a story from years past.

She spoke about a flood when she was a kid.
How the fireman led them the opposite way.
“They pointed us North, but we should have gone South.
They handled everything so wrong.”

She shared so many stories while we were there.
Her emotion consistently angry and strong.
How the doctors don’t know what they are doing;
or the contractor whose costs were sky high.”

A lifetime of negativity is her normal.
She must gain something by embracing the down side.
I hope our support can turn things around a bit
in order to softly expose her to the good in life.

To gently modify
          her powerful perspective.

"WHY SCOTT?"

I received a telephone call early this afternoon from a co-worker.  She informed me that Scott had died suddenly this morning.  I have worked with Scott for over five years. He was one of our hospice nurse case managers. Scott was very low key and never got rattled or stressed over any situation. He was a great team player as would work weekends whenever needed without complaint. Scott had a very calm, unhurried manner.

Scott fell down his stairs a week ago. He had some side pain and missed work all last week. Scott never missed work. It made us all realize how much pain he must have been in. I thought Scott would be at work next week without a doubt. It will be a huge loss for us all not having Scott around.

Every morning, Scott and I would arrive at the hospice office a few minutes apart. He would always walk by and say "Good morning" to me. He would talk about his love of swimming or would joke at himself for not swimming that morning. He would then immediately walk into the kitchen and get his cup of coffee.

Scott had a very large heart toward his co-workers, his patients and families. He would meet up with families and do what was needed to be done without any commotion. He had this large blue binder which he put all of his patient paperwork into. The side seam was split open, but it didn't matter to Scott, as it worked well for him.

I am still shocked as it is so unbelievable. I can't help but wonder, "Why? What is it all about". I know you are up there in heaven with all who love you. I have to believe that it was your time to go. You will never be forgotten by us down here. Prayers for peace, love and joy to you Scott. You will be forever missed.


 "WHY SCOTT?"

We lost one of our own today.
It was sudden and caught us all by surprise.
Hearing the sad news has left me shocked.
I can't stop thinking about him
          while continuing to ask "Why?"

We all work in the hospice field.
You would think we should know
and not have to ask "Why?"
"What is life and death all about?"

We would meet every morning on schedule
always arriving a few minutes apart.
He customarily would walk by and say "Hi"
and then head to get his morning coffee.

He had such a quiet, low-key manner.
Nothing would ever get him overwhelmed.
He would meet a family with high energy
and walk in with such composure,
it calmed the entire situation down.

Your legacy will always remain with all of us.
We will continue to share your stories
along with laughter to embrace your life.
But for a while, I'm sure we'll all continue to ask;
          "Why Scott?"

THE JOURNEY

Tracy, a dear friend and co-worker, lost one of her friends a little over two months ago. Her friend, Ute, suffered from Pancreatic Cancer. Ute was single and lived alone. She had no family locally so relied on her large group of friends for support. Tracy was her dearest friend in addition to being one of her primary caregivers.

Tracy informed me three days ago that there will be a Celebration of Life for Ute this coming weekend. Tracy wanted to speak at the Memorial, but wasn't quite sure what to say. She asked me to write a poem for her to read. I asked her to jot down a few thoughts that she had about her friend and what might she like to share with folks at the Memorial.

Yesterday, Tracy texted me several thoughts. It was so amazing as right after dinner, I went upstairs to my computer with hopes of writing a poem for Tracy. I sat down and it all came spilling out so quickly. As I was finishing up and completing the last line, I struggled with replacing the word "journey" with another. I could not quite capture the right word. I sat quietly for just a moment and the word "life" just popped in my head. For me, that was the perfect word.

I truly believe Ute helped me write this poem as she spiritually relayed the perfect word to me. After Tracy read the poem this morning, I told her that Ute was with me as I wrote the words. In addition, I shared how I also believe that the poem also expresses Ute's thanks right back to Tracy. The poem is a mirror that reflects to both Tracy and Ute. I feel so honored that Tracy asked me to write a poem. I also feel so blessed that Tracy will be reading it today at her friend's Celebration of Life. Thank you Tracy and Ute. There are no words that will truly express my deep appreciation.


THE JOURNEY　

Life is an ongoing journey
of different roads; different views.
At times the pathway can be bumpy
or smoothly paved with a silken glow.

It was an honor to walk with you
on a journey that always changed.
Up and down, right and left;
          a privilege all the same.

I was never surprised you became a teacher
as education came so natural to you.
You taught me about living while you were dying;
          the toughest subject of all.

How blessed I felt to walk the journey with you.
I’ll forever treasure the memories so near to my heart.
You gifts to me will never be forgotten.
So thank you for sharing your life with me.