JUST BE

　
"Randy", seventy-one, was diagnosed with cancer three months ago. Randy tried chemotherapy, but the side affects were horrendous and he chose to stop the treatment. Randy lives with his wife, "Becky". They have four children and a very large extended family. The majority of the family members live locally and were all in the home when I arrived this afternoon.

I heard from the nurse who had visited earlier in the day, that Randy was imminent, unresponsive and likely will die within hours to a few days. When I walked into the home, Randy's daughter escorted me to Randy's hospital bed where he was in a deep sleep. Becky was standing next to him holding his hand. Becky's face was red from crying.

Becky immediately asked me to sit with her at the dining room table nearby. Becky started to talk and shared these past few months of Randy's illness. She was trying to process and find some purpose and meaning of it all. Becky had been in a terrible car accident several years ago and had been questioning why she survived her car going over a cliff on a mountain road. She now feels that she survived to take care of Randy.

An important part of the Social Worker's role is active listening, validating and normalizing feelings. What one feels is so personal and it is their truth. As a Social Worker, it is not my role to fix or change anything, but to help guide another to their solution.

Becky was easy to be with and as I rose to leave, I didn't feel that I do all that much. Even with my training, one always wants to say something to make things better or fix things. It is our human nature I suppose. Becky has such tremendous supports, she will be okay. I felt honored to have helped her today.

ADDENDUM: Randy died the following morning with his wife at his side. I telephoned Becky to offer condolences. Becky said she was doing fine as her family was all around. She said she is making a list of things to do as "We always make lists." She said that she was by Randy's side when he took his final breath.

Becky shared that when she and Randy were first married, he was a trucker. Whether he was gone one day or a week, he always came home saying, "I love road trips." She added that they took a lot of road trips over the years. As Becky sat up with Randy throughout the night holding his hand, she knew his death was close as his breathing was very slow and erratic. She told Randy, "It is okay to take that one last road trip." The next moment Randy took his last breath. That experience gives Becky tremendous peace.


JUST BE

She needed to talk.
She needed someone to listen.
To hear her story;
to understand her pain.

There was nothing more to be done.
No words; no quick fix; no cure.
She needed to know she wasn't alone.
Someone to validate her sorrow.

I didn't say much, but mostly listened.
I did clarify her words saying I understand.
I normalized her grief, her coping; her faith.
But what she primarily needed from me was to
          "Just Be."

As I rose to leave her final words did surprise me.
I didn't feel like I did all that much.
"You are wonderful.
         Thank you so much."

We all want to be heard.
We all want to be counted.
But mostly, when in a crisis, all we need is another to
Just Be.
         Just Be with Me.　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

TOTAL ACCEPTANCE

“Rosie”, ninety-two years old, was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer five days ago. The doctors informed her that the cancer has spread to her liver. Rosie declined any treatment as knew this cancer would likely take her life. Rosie is very independent and immediately knows what she wants and will easily express it.

Three years ago, Rosie moved to California to be near her daughter. She had been an artist in New York City and did say how she missed Manhattan. When one walks into Rosie’s home, your eyes are immediately drawn to her beautiful paintings displayed throughout.

Rosie laughs so easily and has totally accepted her terminal diagnosis without pause. Rosie started to tear up when talking about her family and friends and how so many care. I stated, “The support one has is what makes one cry.” It was then Rosie just broke down and had a good cry. She added that she hadn’t cried since the doctor told her about the cancer five days before.

The next moment, Rosie would laugh. She had an amazing sense of humor and such a positive look on life. She embraces her life and openly shares it with those around her. She is fun to be around and it is no surprise that she has an amazing network of family and friends as I truly believe; like attracts like.


TOTAL ACCEPTANCE

 She doesn't conform to society;
doing what others might typically do.
She lives her truth each day.
Not pressured by those around.

She is an artist by trade.
Her paintings reflect her free spirit beliefs.
Beautiful renditions of her life
displayed attractively throughout her home.

She accepts what comes her way,
no matter how grueling it may be.
Obstacles are never a barrier
as she will find her way around.

She was told last week she has cancer.
She adamantly said no to any treatment.
She looks at quality, not quantity of life.
Determined to do things her way.

I asked her how she is coping.
She denied any fears, stating,
“I am at peace and feel strong.”
Then laughing, “What is that all about?”

She cried because so many care.
She laughed because that is how she copes.
Living her life her way.
Total acceptance of what is to be. 

LIVING HER FAITH

"Pauline", eighty, suffers from stomach cancer that has spread throughout her body. Pauline was managing fine until four days ago when she could no longer eat due to nausea and not being able to hold any food down. Recently, her radiation treatments were stopped as were no longer effective.

Pauline denied any fears stating, "I am ready." Pauline was widowed four years ago and knows she will be meeting up with her husband in heaven. She was married for over fifty years stating that "He was my soul mate."

When Pauline was diagnosed a year ago, her daughter, "Debbie", retired from her job, sold her home and moved in to help her mom. Debbie and Pauline have a very strong Christian faith that helps them cope. Debbie has devoted her life to helping others. She will help another effortlessly as "It is the right thing to do." It is Debbie's faith that guides her.

A few years ago, Debbie put her life on hold to help a friend who suffered a broken back from a horrific fall. Her friend was laid up and needing help for over a year. Debbie is such an amazing example of someone living their faith.

As the hospice team and I were visiting, Debbie was sharing stories of her life. At one point she added, "There are angels around us. Sometimes we don't recognize them at the time, but realize it later." I told Debbie, "I met an angel today in you." She was shocked as doesn't recognize what she does as amazing, but again, "It is the right thing to do." We can never have too many Debbie's in this world.


LIVING HER FAITH

She's always had a strong faith.
Her belief in God consistently strong.
Living her life selflessly.
Devoted to others in need.

There's been some hard times along the way,
but she takes it all in stride.
"Don't tell God how big your storm is;
tell your storm how big God is."

She put her life on hold for eighteen months
to help a friend in need.
A horrible accident with a long recovery.
Continually staying by her friend's side.

Her mother's diagnosis of cancer a year ago
turned her life again in another direction.
Without hesitation, she retired and sold her home
to move in to help her mother.

Knowing her mother's time is near
will bring some appropriate tears,
but her strong faith continues to give her comfort
knowing Mom will soon be flying high,
"We're walking
          one another home".

Living her faith. 

A PRACTICAL GAL

Thirty-six year old, "Emily", was diagnosed with cancer several years ago. Three weeks ago, she was hospitalized due to a rapid decline. Emily's doctors told her, at that time, that the treatment was no longer working and that there was no further treatment options available. Emily's roommate of eight years, told her not to come back home as she could not handle what was happening. Emily thought at the time, "I have no place to die." Fortunately, Emily has many friends. One friend offered her home to Emily and was available to care for her as well.

The hospice nurse and I went out to admit Emily to our program. Emily was so straight forward and matter-of-fact. She shared some stories of her life about her travels and other adventures. She had no regrets as said she has had a full life. She said she is not ready to leave her loved ones, but accepts her situation.

She is an amazing thirty-seven year old. It is obvious that she packed a full life in those three and a half decades. She has accepted what is happening and is dealing with things in a very practical way. She is a perfect example of people dying the way they live. I wish her well.

Addendum: Emily got her wish and died one week before Christmas.


A PRACTICAL GAL

　
She is matter of fact and practical.
She handles things as they come.
Willingly accepting what life presents.
She has always been this way.

Once her cancer reappeared,
her roommate said don't come back.
The doctors give her little hope,
"I need a place to die."

She is mature beyond her thirty-six years.
She says her life has been full.
Her only fear is leaving her loved ones.
She's not sure about afterlife.

She is declining daily.
She told us she is ready to go.
She likely will get her wish,
"I want to die before Christmas".

She'll die the way she lived;
on her terms and in her time.
Accepting, no-nonsense, matter-of-fact.
She truly is,
         a practical gal. 

THE CAT

"Glenda", ninety years old, suffered from end stage Alzheimer's Disease. Glenda had lived in a Skilled Nursing Facility for over a year as needed help with all of her daily activities. The week before she was admitted to hospice, Glenda had taken a dramatic decline to where she was bedridden and had stopped eating.

The nurse and I met with Glenda's daughter, "Janice" at the facility. Glenda had been in a three bed ward for the past year. The day we admitted Glenda to hospice, she was unresponsive and had not eaten for a week. The staff moved Glenda to a private room as they, along with her family and hospice, thought she would die within hours.

All was surprised that, at a week later, Glenda was still alive. Janice told hospice that her mother had always loved cats. She added that her mother's final wish was to have a cat by her side when she took her final breath.

The nursing home staff had attempted to locate a cat to fulfill Glenda's wish, to no avail. It was then that the hospice social worker, assigned to Glenda's case, arranged for one of our hospice nurses to visit Glenda with one of her cats. It gave all of us such a wonderful feeling to have been a part of someone's final wish.


THE CAT

She lay there so still.
We could not wake her up.
She hasn't eaten for a week.
We thought hours to a day at most.

The family was holding vigil,
knowing her time was short.
But she held on and continued to breath
as hours; then a few days; a week did pass.

Her daughter said she unconditionally loved cats.
She always had two or three around.
Her last wish was to have a cat by her side
when she took her final breath.

A staff member brought out her own cat.
She placed it by the patient's side.
She maneuvered her hand to stroke the cat.
The cat purred, loving the attention.

She must have felt the cat's presence.
She must have heard him purr.
As hours later, she was gone.
Her final wish fulfilled;
allowing her
          to peacefully
                           let go.  

 

THE UNIVERSE

"Edith", eighty years ago, suffers from end stage lung disease. Edith lives with her daughter, "Kristi". Edith was just released from the hospital today. She was adamant about wanting to go home. Edith is on continuous oxygen and struggles with her breathing.

In addition, Edith is bedridden and dependent with all of her activities of daily living. She has a strong spiritual belief of being one with the universe. Edith has no quality of life and immediately told us when we walked into her room, "I am done."

She seemed so happy that it is her time to go. Her face would light up when talking about her beliefs of being one with the universe. Kristi would stand by quietly and did not say much at all, although she looked on the verge of tears. Kristi was struggling with letting her mother go, while her mother couldn't wait to get to the other side.

With hospice's support, hopefully in time, Kristi can come to terms with her mother's wish to go. It is such a struggle for most of us. It is hard to understand what Edith is going through as we all just walk this walk one time. I wish them both peace.


THE UNIVERSE
　
She was lying there so quietly
when we walked into her bedroom.
She immediately informed us,
"It's my time. I am done."

She wanted to make sure we understood.
Dying is just a part of life.
She has no fears or regrets.
She is ready to move on.

"I am ready to go.
It may be left, it may be right.
I am not sure which way,
but I know that I will be a part
of the Universe."

Her beliefs give her comfort.
Her beliefs give her peace.
She is steadfast in her knowing
what's to come on the other side.

Her daughter stands by so quietly.
Her mother's words bringing sudden tears.
She needs a little more time
before handing her mother off
         to the Universe. 

ANGELS AND SPIRITS

"Albert", eighty-nine, has been a spiritual man his entire life. Albert and his wife, "Doris", have been married for sixty-two years. Albert suffers from end stage cardiac disease. Doris is caring for him with the help of their two adult children.

Albert has been in a decline for several weeks to where now he is bedridden, eating very little and needing help with all of his needs. He is very hard of hearing and, due to extreme weakness, his voice is extremely low, making conversation very difficult.

We went out to admit Albert to our hospice program today. As part of my introduction to our services, often folks want to know what to expect at the end of life. As I was talking about what to expect, I mentioned how some patients will see spirits of loved ones or angels. It is a very natural and normal experience for the patient. It typically gives comfort to the patient and their family members. It was then that Doris shared her story about what Albert had told her a few days prior.

Doris feels what so many of our family members feel. They don't want their loved one to die, but aware that there is no quality of life. Doris's love for Albert is allowing her to release him. After sixty-two years, their love is that strong.

ADDENDUM: Albert died peacefully four days before his 90th birthday.


ANGELS AND SPIRITS
　
His 90th birthday is two weeks away.
He wants to live until then.
He'll hold on as long as he can;
then he'll be ready to let go.

He told his family he is done.
He has no fears about what's next.
His deep faith gives him strength.
He knows he'll be just fine.

She struggles with letting him go,
but knows it's for the best.
He can only lie their quietly.
Not able to do much else.

We spoke about the end of life.
We spoke about what to expect.
Some folks see angels or spirits.
A natural phenomenon, giving comfort.

She then shared what he had told her.
How he saw an angel standing at the end of his bed.
The angel told him, "It won't be long;"
giving him peace; giving her comfort,
even though some tears did fall.