SO SAD

The hospice nurse and I went out to admit sixty-six year old, “Lindsey” to our hospice program.  Lindsey was diagnosed with brain cancer only one month ago. She had been totally healthy prior to this diagnosis.   Now, she is bedridden, weak, and sleeping most of the time.   Two days ago, Lindsey stopped eating or drinking.  She likely has only a short time left. 

Lindsey lives with her son and his family in the back house on several acres.  Her daughter lives in the front house.  Lindsey’s mother, “Lillian”, lives nearby.  This is a very close family.  They are all supportive to Lindsey and to each other. 

When the hospice nurse and I walked into the home, I saw Lillian standing in the kitchen.  The kitchen and living room of the home were designed as one large room.  She stood quietly without any movement, but all I saw was such sadness that surrounded her. 

 At the end of my visit, I was able to have a quiet moment with Lillian.  She was then able to share with me some of her deep emotions while attempting to find an explanation of why this was happening to her daughter.  There are no words or answers for any of us around these questions.  We are logical beings looking for logical answers; where there are none. 

This is a very loving family.  I hope Lillian can feel the love that also surrounds her, but then; sadness and grief are very powerful as well.  I wish her strength and peace.

SO SAD 

 

She is close to ninety years of age.

She is short and petite weighing so little;

but seeing her upon entering the home,

I saw a heavyhearted woman looking so sad.

 

Her daughter was just diagnosed one month ago.

She had been healthy, independent and strong;

but now is bedbound, weak; confused;

no longer eating or drinking much at all.

 

I spoke with them about hospice’s support;

while normalizing and validating their grief.

Her two children feel blessed that this is happening quickly;

“She won’t have to suffer much too long.”

 

I walked over to say goodbye to Mom.

While hugging her softly, I simply said, “I am so sorry.

I cannot even imagine your pain.

It is nothing she’s done; she is not being punished.

                    It is just such a staggering, random act.”

 

She told me about her husband who was a runner.

He always ate a nutritious diet; he lived a healthy life.

He spoke with her about the benefit of his choices;

while she so strongly followed her father’s lead.

 

“It should be me and not her.

I’ve lived my full life, but not she.

It is so out of order.

                    This is so not right.”

 

I gave her one last hug before I said goodbye;

wanting so much to take away some pain.

But the sadness still strongly engulfed her,

as I simply turned and quietly walked away.