I'M OKAY

“John”, fifty-one years old, was diagnosed with cancer ten years ago.  He has undergone multiple chemotherapy and radiation treatments over the years.  He was managing pretty well until a recent sudden decline.  John lives with his wife, “Penny”.  They have known each other for years as met in high school.  

We admitted John to our hospice program two days ago.  Because I wasn’t available to be with the hospice nurse during the admission, I called Penny yesterday to check-in and explain the social work role and supports.  It was then she spoke about John’s sudden decline.  She informed me that he had not eaten or drank anything for two days.  He was bedridden and unresponsive.  

She was so realistic regarding his poor prognosis aware that he likely had only a few days at most to live.  Penny has a tremendous faith in God and the afterlife.  She spoke openly about death and dying saying, “It is always in God’s hands.  It is a part of life.” 

I was so moved by how she phrased her emotions and how much support and comfort she received from her strong faith.  She has a tremendous support network of family and friends.  She will reach out as needed.  I truly believe that she will be okay.  God bless you Penny. 

I’M OKAY

He’s been fighting his cancer for years.

Suddenly, all has rapidly changed.

He stopped eating two days ago.

Now, bedridden; unresponsive; imminent.

 

I spoke with her yesterday to check-in.

She is realistic knowing his time is close.

She easily verbalized her emotions, her grief.

“We talked all about it;

               we cried all about it”.

 

Two hours later, he was gone.

She was sitting by his side, holding his hand.

“I have no unfinished business with him.

               I will see him again.”

 

She has a very strong Christian faith.

It gives her peace; it gives her hope.

She lost four relatives five years ago.

She knows they will always be together

in love; in harmony; in heaven.

 

I called her again today to offer comfort,

condolences and support.

When asked how she is coping, she shared

“It is hard, but I have lots of faith.”

 

“Dying is an intimate thing.

We were able to do it together.

I know it won’t be easy; I will grieve.

But truly I can honestly say,

               “I am okay”.

 

 

A BRIDGE

 

We received a hospice referral for “Jeremy” late yesterday afternoon.  Jeremy had many questions about hospice support and wanted information from us to make sure if it was an agency that could give him the help he needed.  I called Jeremy this morning to educate him on hospice support, criteria and philosophy. 

Jeremy has been on kidney dialysis for four years.  Prior to his dialysis, he had been living his life his way without any health problems.  Jeremy had been married five years to his wife whom Jeremy shared was “psychotic”.  She had been on several medications; one being Lithium.  Jeremy stated that she started to hoard the medication.  One night she made a lithium cocktail and gave it to Jeremy to drink. 

It was then that his kidneys failed and he needed dialysis to survive.  Jeremy added that his entire family, who live on the East Coast, “abandoned me because of my illness.”  He said they all have problems that they are unwilling to face.  It sounded a little bizarre, but then….. 

Jeremy is aware that he only has a few weeks or so to live without dialysis.  He is not afraid.  He is finished with this life.  He has beliefs about afterlife, but then has some fears about the unknown of it all. 

Jeremy shared a lot of these surprising stories about his life.  His body language and words were spoken from his heart.  The only person he had any strong emotion about was his ex-wife as he blames her for his kidney failure.  Through our entire visit, Jeremy spoke his truth from his heart.  

Jeremy touched my heart so deeply.  Yes, I am aware of his astonishing stories, but he moved me by sharing his truth; his sincerity.  Perhaps part, or all of this, may not be true.   Jeremy was speaking in the only way he knew in order to cope with his reality.  I wish him the best.

A BRIDGE

 

I spoke with him on the phone this morning.

He had questions about hospice support.

He spoke his truth no matter what.

I would have bought any bridge he had for sale.

 

He informed his physician yesterday

about stopping his kidney dialysis.

He’s had kidney failure for four years.

He is done; so wanting it to be over.

 

“I am sick and tired of all of this.

I don’t want to be attached

to a machine any longer.

I am worn out; I am done.”

 

His life dramatically changed four years ago

when she maliciously gave him a lithium cocktail.

His kidneys failed; he could no longer work.

He was then only forty-one years of age.

 

We met him early this afternoon.

His honesty; his truth just shined.

His face expressed dreadful pain.

He’s been living with it these past four years.

 

He told us stories about his life.

How he was wronged by his family; by his friends.

Unexpected stories; how could they be true?

But then; his heart and his humanity

beautifully shown through.

 

He is an individual; like us all.

This is how he copes; how he lives his life.

He touched my heart and my soul so deeply.

But then; where is that bridge

         you have for sale?

 

 

EXCESS BAGGAGE

 “Lily”, who will be ninety years old in two months, was admitted to hospice today.  Lily lives with her daughter, “Joy”, in a small house way out in the country.    Our area suffered a major rainstorm yesterday leaving many places without electricity.  When the nurse and I walked into their home, it was freezing as they were without power.  Lily was lying in her bed under layers of blankets.  The first thing she said to us was, “I am so warm and cozy here in my bed.”  

Lily was such a cutie pie.  She smiled so easily with us.  Lily and her daughter, Joy, wanted us to be comfortable.  There was one comfy chair in Lily’s bedroom which her large orange cat, named Cheddar, was sitting in.  They wanted to get the cat off the chair so we could sit down.  We said we were fine standing as we are up and down all day.  Cheddar stayed on the chair which made all of us laugh at how, “Cheddar won”. 

Lily spoke about her life; the good and the bad.  She sees life as “It is what it is”; good or bad.  She strongly believes we all have love and loss in our life.  She totally accepts life as it is without complaint or regrets.  She would speak very “matter-of-fact”.  She told us that five months ago, she and Joy were both diagnosed with COVID-19.   Lily went to the emergency room and was able to recuperate at home.  Joy was admitted and was on life supports in the ICU.  While Lily and Joy were sharing this story, it was so realistic and matter-of-fact.  They had no regrets or “Why me?” thoughts.  The both have had so many losses in their life.  Lily’s two sons died years ago; one from cancer and one in a motor vehicle accident.  

Lily has four great-great granddaughters.  She spoke of her family, too, as matter-of-fact.  Totally accepting and embracing her family while accepting her excess baggage too.  Lily was amazing.  She has taught her children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren and great-great grandchildren well.  Way to go Lily!!!

EXCESS BAGGAGE

She has such a remarkable family

who all unconditionally love her.

Four generations of offspring

who all live nearby and come around.

 

She has truly lived her life fully;

appreciating and accepting of what is.

She has had a challenging life though;

carrying more than her share of

         excess baggage.

 

She was diagnosed with cancer two weeks ago.

She declined any treatment options stating,

“I am almost ninety years old.

 There is not much left for me to do.”

 

She has been widowed three times.

Two of her three children have already died.

She almost lost her daughter last summer.

Her road has been long and rocky.

 

Eating makes her nauseous;

she gets dizzy standing up.

She stays calm and totally accepts.

Happy to be lying warmly in her bed.

 

When asked if she had any fears,

she calmly replied,

“I am not afraid, although it’s not easy.

When it is my time to go, it is my time.”

 

Loss to her, is just a part of life;

as is love, support and kindness.

She accepts each day as it comes

never ever seeing it as

         excess baggage.

 

 

LIVING HER LIFE

“Rosemary”, ninety-five, was admitted to hospice today.  When I first heard about her yesterday, I had this strong need to meet her.  Being alert and oriented, living alone and still managing her needs, I knew she was someone who lived their life fully.  I so admire folks who don’t see challenges in life as something one cannot overcome.  Some folks just continue to move forward.  This is, so strongly, what I so admire. 

When the nurse and I walked into her family room, she was sitting on her couch.  She welcomed us in so graciously pointing to the chairs for us to sit down.  Rosemary spent last night in the hospital after a fall in her kitchen the day before.  She is becoming weaker as is eating so little.  She shared that food makes her feel nauseas.  Her doctor feels that her body is just wearing down. 

Rosemary accepts this as she has accepted things her entire life.  With good or bad, she is very practical and accepting.  Rosemary was born in this small town in the country.  When she was small, the population was only 2,000; now it is 5,000.  She shared so many wonderful stories about her life in this small town.  She made me laugh as her humor was very dry.  When I asked her if she would like our hospice chaplain to visit for spiritual support, she said yes, but then added with a small grin, “I’ve listened to enough preachers over my life.” 

Rosemary did not look her age..  She had such a young heart and view about life; practical and real.  I hope to be just like her if I make it to ninety-five.  “Way to go, Rosemary!!!!” 

LIVING HER LIFE

We often can have expectations about another

based solely on how old they are in age.

She is ninety-five; alert and oriented; living alone.

Hearing that, I so strongly just wanted to meet her.

 

She’s been in a slow, recent decline.

Her body is just tiring out.

She is becoming weak, not wanting to eat.

Now needing full time care.

 

She has a practical philosophy about life.

You see it in how she is living her life.

She accepts, with no apprehensions, her past;

                  no worries about her future.

 

She has attended her local church for ninety years,

with Christian beliefs coated in practicality.

“I don’t know what afterlife is all about.

If you have faith, you believe what you are taught;

                  but then….one never knows.”

 

She told amazing stories about her life.

Many touched my heart so deeply.

For years she was a Fourth-Grade teacher.

“I taught in the same school I attended.”

                  “I knew everyone in town!”

 

She totally accepts her life as it is.

She calmly, without emotion, shared stories.

“Governor Pat Brown was my cousin.”

Moments later, her telephone rang.

It was her second cousin checking in;

                  Governor Jerry Brown.

 

Each day, she lives her life to the fullest.

She accepts each day as it turns out.

I movingly told her, ‘You are my hero.

Living your life purely with no remorse;

                  Your way.”