HUSBAND AND WIFE

The hospice nurse and I went out and met with "Bonnie" and "Sam" as their physician made a hospice referral for both of them. Both have been diagnosed with Alzheimer's Disease several years ago. In addition, both have been in a recent decline per their daughter, "Connie". 

We admitted Sam to our hospice program as he met the hospice criteria that is mandated by Medicare guidelines. He is wheelchair bound, speaking only a few words at a time, and dependent with all of his activities of daily living. He is eating very little and has been losing weight.

While Bonnie is still able to walk around independently and follow our conversations with ease, she has no short term memory. She shared many stories of her past, but struggled with recent events. The couple have three supportive children; although all live out of state. Connie has been staying with her parents for several weeks, but has plans on returning to her home in Idaho soon.

Fortunately the couple has funds to pay for full time attendant care, which relieves their children as they know their parent's needs will be met. It is amazing how this couple's sixty-five year marriage has allowed them to be with each other throughout the years. They worked together in a family owned business while retiring at the same time.

Now they both share a medical diagnosis and each are coping in ways that work for them. Sam so heavily accepts and relies on Bonnie to be in charge. Bonnie so naturally has the take charge personality. They likely will spend the time that they have left with those particular roles as it works so naturally for both of them.


HUSBAND AND WIFE　

They have been married over sixty years.
They have always done everything as one.
Working together in a family owned business;
raising three children in their country home.

She has always been the one in charge.
He, with his soft heart and loving soul, complies.
He gives his children love and respect,
while she firmly lays down the law.

Their relationship has worked well for them
as he knows he can rely on her to always guide him.
He looks at her with such loving eyes,
appreciating her strength in speaking the truth.

They both were diagnosed with Alzheimer's Disease
while together now, in a recent, rapid decline.
He speaks only a few words with his soft tender voice,
while her forceful behavior is beginning to shine.

The children have hired twenty-four hour care
making sure their parents get the help they so need.
Likely, not surprised, they are doing this too as one,
as they always have; and always will be
          Husband and wife.

　

BOTH MOMS

The same hospice nurse and I admitted two females to hospice today. The similarities between them was amazing. Both had the same diagnosis and the same primary physician. They lived in the same town about one mile apart. Both had sons caring for them as well as a child estranged from them.

One common theme between both sons, when talking about life growing up with Mom, was anger. Even though both women suffered from Alzheimer's Disease, they both struggled with being dependent. They have always fought to be in charge of their life and their family; quite often not in a healthy way.

I was in awe at how both sons were devoted to their mother regarding her safety and care, but respect and love for their mother was much harder to achieve. The anger that the sons grew up with taught them what not to be. Both are loving husbands and fathers. We laughed easily in both homes while the sons shared life stories. Their humor helped them cope.

The best thing both sons stated about hospice support was having the option to call 24 hours a day to a phone line that a secretary or nurse will answer. I wish the sons and the moms the best.


BOTH MOMS

We admitted both of them
onto our hospice program today.
It was amazing how they both
were so much of the same.

Both were female living just a mile apart.
Each had the same physician treating them
for end stage Alzheimer's Disease.
Both Moms just wanting to be left alone.

One was born in 1932; the other 1923.
Each aggressive in their demands.
Their sons strongly say the same thing;
"My Mom has been angry my entire life!"

Their sons are so devoted by their mother's side
making sure she is safe and all her needs are met.
Both Moms want to be the one in charge.
Anger is the last emotion where they feel some control.

It is a struggle for both sons
to get hired attendant care in the home.
Mom is not aware, but she needs constant care;
while their sons yearn for much needed respite.

One son draws strength from prayer and his faith,
while the other loves to play golf.
They will take care of their mom
while taking care of themselves as well.

They both know that Mom likely will never change.
They will continue to help as needs arise
while taking good care of themselves.
That is the one powerful similarity between
          Both Sons.


　

LIFE'S JOURNEY

I am so confident that we all have our own individual journeys. All of use the tools that help us cope. My years of work with hospice patients has taught me so much. One of the most obvious lessons to me is how random life can be. So many folks want an answer as to why they or a loved one have a terminal diagnosis. We all are logical beings and want a direct answer; to which there is none.

Quite often a patient will evaluate their life and remember all of those things they said or did wrong. None of us are immune to those experiences. I see those moments as important events that teach us and help us grow.

“Patricia”, was born three days after I was. I noticed her birth date while looking at her paperwork before leaving the office to drive to her home to do the Admission Visit. It made me stop and think about how blessed I am to have good health. After meeting her, I connected with her on so many levels. Her humor was quite like my humor. She made me laugh so easily. I also understood her anger surrounding her because of her cancer diagnosis.. Anger can often be a major emotion of the grieving process.

Driving away from her home, I felt so blessed and fortunate to not be experiencing the stress and troubles that Patricia was facing. Hospice patients teach me to embrace this moment as that is all that any of us have. No one truly knows when it is their last day here on Earth. I have learned to embrace each and every one. Patricia, like so many of my patients, is my teacher. She is such a strong reminder for all of us to cherish every moment. Thank you Patricia.


LIFE'S JOURNEY　

She was diagnosed just one year ago.
She's been through chemotherapy to no avail.
Her cancer has now spread to other organs.
She came onto hospice services early today.

She is so angry about all of this.
"I didn't smoke; I didn't drink.
I did everything right in my life.
Why is this happening to me?"

Our logical selves want an answer
to which there is not one to give.
She is not being punished; it's not her fault.
It is just a random act without boundaries.

Her humor pulled me in.
It gives her an uplifting view.
"I am trying to see the positive side.
My family is here; so are my friends."

She was straight forward and direct.
She clearly spoke her truth.
She shared stories about her supportive family;
appreciating them all the more.

I connected with her on many levels.
I understood her anger; her frustration about it all.
How she so easily used her humor to cope.
In so much of her, I so subtlety saw me.

I was born three days before her.
It stopped me in my tracks.
How blessed I am to have good health;
as it so easily
          could of been me.

　 

TO ACCEPT

"Marjorie", sixty-eight, was diagnosed with lung cancer two months ago. Marjorie tried chemotherapy for only a few sessions, but it left her so weak and sick. It was then that Marjorie knew she wanted quality of life and not quantity.

Marjorie so welcomed the hospice nurse and myself into her home. She was so appreciative that we were there. I informed her all about hospice's philosophy and supports along with adding that we do not come in and take over. I let Marjorie know she was in charge on how she wanted to do things. It helps hospice so much when patients and families are able to keep us in their loop by letting us know how they want things to flow.

I was so amazed by Marjorie's beautiful, positive attitude about life. She grew up in a very supportive and loving family which I know helped her see life the way she celebrates her life. Marjorie is so positive about it all. She shared some beautiful and funny family stories; while laughing so easily.

Marjorie will handle her cancer the way she has handled other things in her life. She will look realistically at what is going on with such a positive twist. That is one thing that will truly help her accept and cope with whatever comes her way.


TO ACCEPT

She has a positive outlook on things.
She's been that way her entire life.
Whether the good or the bad come along,
she has learned to accept what is.

She has a recent diagnosis of cancer.
Somehow she knew before she was told.
She's been weaker; more short of breath.
Tasks have been slowly getting a bit harder.

She wants to be able to stay in her own home,
but knows that may not be a workable plan.
All family live out of state many miles away,
with only a few close friends around.

Her eldest son died six months ago in a car crash.
"Oh my gosh! What helps you cope?"
"It was a swift and major car crash. He didn't know he would die.
That alone helps me to accept it. It gives me some peace."

There are always positives in every tough situation,
but often they can be so difficult to see.
She naturally will view all moments in an optimistic way.
It helps her manage and cope with the not so good.

She is adjusting to her status and terminal prognosis.
Slowly losing her independence is not easy for her.
But she so sincerely summed it all up by amazingly sharing,
         "It will be what it will be.
                  I am learning to accept my destiny".

WHAT THEY NEED

"Katherine", eighty years old, was diagnosed with cancer two years ago. She had been living her life fairly well until one week ago. It happened suddenly as she became so weak and had difficulty walking without support. She shared that she spends most of her days now in bed as it is where she is most comfortable.

Katherine was widowed two years ago. Her husband suffered from Alzheimer's Disease for many years. Katherine easily spoke about her husband and knows that he is doing well as she has a strong Christian belief about God and the afterlife. Nine months ago, Katherine moved into a new home with a dear friend. The two of them decorated it so beautifully. Katherine shed a few quiet tears during out visit while stating, "I thought I would have more time to enjoy my new home".

Katherine's two daughters live nearby. The two girls; "Jennie" and "Shelly", spoke about their two cousins and an uncle who all had passed away within the past six months. Katherine and her daughters easily verbalized the reality of those losses. Their humor poked through now and then as it helped take the edge off the sadness.

This is an amazing family as they have so learned through hard times that the best gift of all is love. One could feel so strongly the powerful unconditional love that was present. This family is a pure example of naturally being able to give each other that best gift of all.



WHAT THEY NEED　

What they deeply need
is to take care of their mother.
It gives them comfort;
          it soothes their souls.

The family has had so many losses.
More than most of us could ever bear.
All of them face reality head on;
leaning on each other for loving support.

Her two daughters are right by her side
with such strong desires to just be there.
One daughter was widowed only two years ago;
while the other's husband is terminal too.

"How do you both cope with so many losses?
It has to be so overwhelming and intense."
With a soft and loveable smile she shared,
"We rotate in our weak moments."

What is necessary is so what they have.
Loving and supportive family members
who care so deeply for their mother.
They all are truly receiving exactly what they need.

Mom has no fears about dying.
Her strong Christian faith helps her cope.
"I know it will be my time when Jesus calls.
          I will then be ready to go."

She has taught her children about loss.
She has taught her children about love.
Knowing that they will be okay after she is gone
is truly the number one thing that she now
          so deeply needs.