TATTOOS

The hospice nurse and I met up with "Christine" in front of the hospital where her father was a patient. Her father, "Tom", had been admitted into the hospital several days prior secondary to a lung infection. Tom lives in a Retirement Center which gives him the full time care that he needs.

Christine's body was full of bright tattoos. She had shorts on with a sleeveless top that said, "I don't wear long pants." Christine had a great sense of humor and laughed so easily. Automatically one can expect a certain personality that goes with how a person looks. Likely all of us are always 100% wrong with those thoughts.

Christine was realistic about her father's recent decline and poor prognosis. Tom also suffered from Alzheimer's Disease and his confusion had recently increased. Christine shared stories about the death of her mother and her two brothers; all within the past six years.

Christine so naturally uses reality as a supportive tool. When I asked her how she copes, she stated, 'You just get on with it." She declined any follow up bereavement support from our hospice. I so know she will be fine. She definitely is a survivor. She is true to who she is; a distinctive personality that is pure and beautiful. There is a phrase that I love because, to me, it is so true; “Be yourself. Everyone else is taken.” Christine is so true to whom she purely is. It so does make her shine.



TATTOOS

We were meeting her outside of the hospital.

COVID-19 precautions were powerfully in charge.

Her father was being discharged home today.

It was time for hospice to step in.

Noticing her walking towards us,

all one could see were her dramatic tattoos;

covering her arms, legs, shoulders and fingers.

Back to back; bright colors galore.

She welcomed us with a lovely smile

while conveying her needs; her wishes.

She was tenderly direct with her words;

making it so clear how we could help.

She so appreciated our understanding

whereas she added, so many have not.

"He's been fighting it a lot.

It is his time to go."

She's had tremendous hard times in her life.

Her two brothers and her mother have all passed.

She is a recovering drug addict.

"Clean and sober three years."

She has never been close to her father.

Their relationship has always been tense.

I praised her for being by his side at this time.

"I may not like him, but I am his daughter."

It is easy to expect a certain personality

when observing how someone looks.

She was so practical and true.

Whatever life throws at her,

she fully accepts whatever it is.

She wants to move out into the country

with her dogs; her chickens; her burros.

I so admired her beautiful heart;

but still will never ever forget Marilou Rennie

that flamboyant mass June 18, 2020

of tattoos.

DAUGHTER-MOM

The hospice nurse and I went out to admit "Kevin" to our hospice program. Kevin, who is only fifty-six, was diagnosed with brain cancer six years ago. Kevin has been married thirty years to his wife, "Pam". Kevin and Pam have two daughters. Their eldest daughter, "Julie" has two daughters also. Julie's daughter are aged eleven and nine years old.

We met with the patient, his wife and two daughters, in the family room. Julie's two daughters were sitting at the kitchen table in the next room. Kevin slept in his recliner chair throughout most of the Admission Visit. Pam shared that Kevin is a strong man and fought his disease so hard. He has outlived his doctor's estimation.

Kevin and the family found out three days ago that there is no further treatment available to help him. It appears that Kevin has started to slowly let go. He has been in a rapid decline these past few days where he is sleeping more, eating less and weaker. His family is appropriately struggling with this rapid decline.

We could see the two granddaughters sitting at the kitchen table from where we were in the family room. Julie frequently would look at her two daughters with such sadness. She left the room a few times to check on her daughters throughout the visit. Julie is struggling with her grief, but is so much more focused on her daughters. She is as much a daughter as she is a Mom.

Grief is so powerful that is hard for any of us to ignore. I am sure Julie was so torn between her grief and her daughter's grief. Julie asked if I could talk with her daughters; which I was honored to do. Her parting words were such a beautiful gift in return. This experience is such an amazing example of why I do what I do. When one gives from the heart, it is so profoundly returned a thousand fold. All I can say is also a quiet, "Thank You."


DAUGHTER/MOM　

She has always been a devoted daughter.
Loving her parents with all of her heart.
Now that her dad is imminent; is dying,
her feelings of loss are so painfully strong.

He's been sick for a long time,
fighting his illness with all that he had.
But now he has told them,
"I am tired. I don't want to get beat up".

They know he is ready to go.
She sees her two young daughters
with tears flowing down their cheeks.
She knows they are grieving "Papa".

Her need to help them remains strong.
I sat down with the two young girls
offering comfort and support.
They stared at me so intently
wanting to know what to do.

'Papa is giving you time to tell him
what you would like for him to hear."
"I would say I love you Papa.
He would always make me laugh."

When asked do you have any concerns,
her younger sister, wise beyond her nine years,
with tears slowly flowing down said,
"I don't want him in any pain."

I listened; I normalized; I validated.
I so hoped I helped them both.
Their Mother, also a daughter,
is primarily focused on caring for them.

As I was walking out the front door,
Mom looked at me so kindly.
With a soft voice from deep in her heart
she quietly said, in such a profound way,
          "Thank you."     

　

　

　

HER TIME

We admitted “Martha” to our hospice program today. Martha suffers from Alzheimer’s Disease and needs continual help and support. Two years ago, she was moved into a Memory Care Unit of a large Residential Care Facility. Martha has been in a recent decline to where she is eating less, becoming weaker and getting a bit more confused.

I met Martha’s son, “Bill”, outside of the facility near the front entrance. Due to the COVID-19 virus, no visitors are allowed. Only the hospice nurse was able to enter the building to assess the patient.

Bill was so gentle and kind. One could see his large, caring heart. He lived nearby and was very involved in his mother’s care and needs. Due to the virus, he has not been able to visit her for three months. He has seen her a few times using Face Time. Bill shared many stories about his mother and her strong nature to always be in charge and have things done her way. When he shared these moments, his tone was very soft and matter of fact.

You know he loves her, but he, too, is getting tired. It is a challenge for him with her “feisty” and stubborn personality. When I asked him how he is coping with it all, he took out his wallet and showed me photos of his grandchildren. One he especially admired was the photo of his four month old grandson. He was so proud to share those pictures.

Due to his mother’s dementia, he has been slowly losing her over several years. The mother he knew and loved is no longer fully there. I know he grieves that loss. His mother’s primary focus now is to be in charge, which causes him frustration. He knows that she likely is not fully embracing her life as well.

I always have said that I want to die the day before I become independent. This is a prime example of why I feel so strongly that way. My heart goes out to you Bill. I wish you well.


HER TIME　

She turned 100 years old last Fall.
A milestone most of us will never see.
She has a very strong personality
and has always done things her way.

She lives in a Memory Care Unit
which gives twenty-four hour support,
but she'll refuse medication or help
wanting to always be the one in charge.

He lives nearby and does what he can,
but gets so frustrated with her stubbornness.
Trying to explain reasons why to her,
makes her obstinate all the more.

She is trying to control her life; her time.
“Mom has always been that way.
You have to just go along to have peace.
I know some things will never change.”

When I asked how he was coping;
to my surprise he gently said;
“I always try to do my best,
but I never thought she would live this long.
It is definitely her time to go.
          It is her time.”
 

PURE HEART

I spoke with "Charlie" today to introduce myself and to describe our Social Work support for hospice patients and families. Charlie and "Katie" have been married almost sixty-four years. They have two children who live nearby and are very involved and supportive.

Moments after I said hello, Charlie's humor lovingly jumped into our conversation. Charlie had me laughing from the start. He has such a dry humor that one could not help but immediately laugh. He shared so many stories about he and his wife's life using humor all the while.

His humor helps him cope while he is trying to come to terms with his wife's terminal illness. His humor blends so beautifully with his pure love for his wife. One knows he has used that same dry humor his entire life. He was a joy to talk to as he so cared for his wife. She has dementia and he slowly is losing her day by day. Her confusion and forgetfulness makes him love her even more. He so cherishes their time together.

Love and humor works so well together. Charlie is the master of blending the two together in the most beautiful and wonderful way. I would love for our paths to cross again in the near future. I have a smile while I am typing this as just thinking of Charlie melts my heart. He is what life is all about.


PURE HEART

They've been married over sixty years.
It was true love from the start.
She's been sick for such a long time,
with his pure heart never far away.

She's been declining these recent months;
becoming fatigued and more frail.
He's hired a caregiver five days a week
helping him to manage it all.

Shortly after I said "Hello"
his dry humor triggered into gear.
He is realistic about her poor prognosis,
but he will never let it get him down.

With a lighthearted giggle he shared,
"I was in the Army during the Korean War.
You must always respect me though,
as I was a Corporal while I served."

His big heart mixed with humor
radiates his love and his joy for her.
She is so forgetful and often confused,
but he so loves her all the more.

"We met because of music.
We will say goodbye with music as well.
Each night we have our concerts
playing an hour of classical side by side."

When I asked him about final arrangements,
his humor was so naturally there.
"I told her she had to die on a Tuesday
          so we can get the Senior discount."

His heart is breaking;
that is something he cannot hide.
He uses dry humor to help him cope,
but it never will hide his beautiful;
          his remarkable
                   pure heart.